Auto-injector Dart Gun: From Nikki Little's "Not American McGee's Alice" Chapter 29

Fifteen minutes later our furry little heroes came out with another five Red Chess Pieces. The two White Knights did their duty, our heroes did their victory dance, and back they went for more Red Chess Piece booty. The next time they came out, our heroes said that the rest was up to me.

"We've cleaned out all the Red Chess pieces except the Queen. We think we've tripped all the booby traps, but we still think you should jackbomb any room you enter as a precaution. The tripwires are thin thread just strong enough not to break. One jackbomb would break all the threads in a small room. In a larger room, you'd have to toss the device in multiple times to be safe. It's all up to you now. We can't get close to the Red Queen because of those little gobs of explosive she kept tossing at us. Our little legs can't run fast enough to dodge those things. You can dodge them, though. You're a lot faster than us!"

The Gnomes immediately started snickering at the idea that I could still run faster than the Hamsters. I was irritated at their apparent conception that I was a blimp. Since when is a 33-inch waist a blimp? Just because I had some heft on the hips and butt didn't mean I couldn't run. I felt Cheshire rub against my leg, but I couldn't see him. Apparently Cheshire had recovered from his faint and felt obligated to accompany me for another battle with another Red Queen. I winced when I remembered what happened the last time. I crossed the drawbridge and headed in the front door, and Cheshire rubbed my leg again to let me know he was there. Staying invisible. Good idea.

I jackbombed each room before entering and saw utter waste after entering. Far more damage than my jackbombs could have caused. The Hamsters had caused the Red Chess pieces to destroy just about everything in an attempt to drive them out. After jackbombing several more rooms, I entered a room where the now solitary Red Queen was sitting in a throne chair waiting for me. I felt Cheshire rub against my leg.

The Red Queen stood up and tossed a gob of explosive at me. I dodged to the left, and she suddenly grabbed at her face. Cheshire became visible and hopped down from her shoulder with his legs spinning before he landed. The Red Queen screeched like she been scalded with her hands on her eyes.

"This is too easy," I thought, and pulled my autoinjector dart gun out of my backpack. I loaded a dark orange mushroom extract bullet into the chamber and aimed leisurely while the Red Queen howled. She couldn't see me or anything else at all. Blam! One dart in. The Red Queen screeched and yanked the dart out, but the damage was done. All the extract had been injected. I loaded a second dart, and fired. The Red Queen screeched again and yanked the dart out only after it had injected its contents. I fired a third dart, and witnessed a funny expression on the Red Queen's face. She put her hand on her chest. Time to run!

I turned tail and ran as I heard a tidal wave of boobage hit the floor behind me. I leapt over rubbage, over half-destroyed chairs, over broken pieces of furniture, over broken door frames, and raced for the Castle door. The tidal wave of boobage behind me sounded closer than ever. I raced for the drawbridge and felt a rush of wind behind me. I leapt over the end of the drawbridge and kept on running past the Gnomes who signalled that I was safe. The Red Queen's expanded boobage had dropped into the moat and stalled. It rose up high into the air and quivered like a mountain of jello. Surely she would suffocate in a few moments entombed in all that boobage.

One Gnome looked at me and laughed.

"I didn't think you could run that fast with a caboose that big!"

I searched for Cheshire. I had to ask what he had done to the Red Queen.

"I peed in her eyes. Blinds Chess Pieces immediately. Maybe other Wonderland creatures, as well."

I fell backwards on my caboose. Cheshire laughed.

"Comfy landing, I presume?

"Oh, yes. Very comfy."

"Only Caterpillar and Humpty knew about cat piss as a weapon. And me, of course!"