Chapter eleven:
We were late that morning but I didn't really care. Vaughn had spent the night in my apartment and though he probably had copied some files from my laptop while I was asleep, all I could feel was a deep sense of relief and something close enough to happiness for having him back in my life. Since the weekend we spent in Fleury, almost three months before, not even a shadow of regret had crossed my mind, and although the idea of Lauren Reed would eventually come haunting me, she wasn't more than a name, than a concept to me. I needed Vaughn for as long as I could have him, however I could have him and I had decided to enjoy our time together the best I could.
Having him by my side made everything better. My missions went smoothly, Kendall was happier about my work, I felt more confident. I felt ready to face the world again. Vaughn was a shield against the evil and the madness that surrounded me and a shelter from the darkness and the sadness that threatened to drown me. He made me stronger and he made me happy.
Even Hannah, who had been so skeptical about that pretense of a relationship, had to admit that Vaughn was doing me some good (even if he wasn't exactly Vaughn and I wasn't exactly me), and after meeting him for the first time she let her defenses down for good. I introduced them soon after we came back from Fleury. She made dinner for us in my apartment one evening and for a week I heard compliments to her kindness and to her food from him and got understanding smiles from her.
In theory, our blossoming relationship might have been a façade, but it brought so much joy to my life that I actually didn't care. The emptiness I constantly felt was gone, my lonely sad days and nights were over. And for the time being, that was enough.
Leonid, though, didn't have such a lifted spirit when I entered the office that morning. He grunted in response to my greeting and looked at me with some kind of ill expression. It worried me; I had actually come to like him over those last few months: he had a dry and sarcastic personality that reminded me of my father in some way. I had also learned that it didn't prevent him from caring about me. We ended up becoming sort of friends and at that point I felt that I knew him quite well. That's why I immediately intuited what had happened; there was only one thing that could make him look so miserable: talking to Kendall. They didn't interact much, I usually acted as Leonid's contact to the CIA, but apparently something was going on. So I told Leonid to accompany me to the archives while Vaughn and Weiss finished a report.
We walked down the long hallway leading to the back of the building and entered a dusty room full of old KGB files about Rambaldi and his followers. I closed the door behind me and set the eavesdrop device in my watch (another gift Marshall had made for "Kendall's secret agent").
"We have ninety seconds, Leonid. Has Director Kendall contacted you?"
"Unfortunately" he grunted "He had a message for you and couldn't contact you directly because you were with Chris. Anyway, he needs to meet with you today, by noon, at the church."
"Did he tell you what this is about?"
"Sydney… Director Kendall might be nice towards you, but the man treats me like scum. Of course he didn't tell me anything."
"Sorry, Leonid. Thanks for the message. We should go back."
……………………………………………………...
I really didn't want to see Kendall that day. Leonid wasn't wrong, he was nice to me, but he was still Kendall… He had sent me a message through Leonid, though, which wasn't routine, and it wasn't like I would say to my handler: "No, I won't see you today, I'm not in the mood". So I left the office right in the middle of the day, saying I had to run some errands.
"Right now?" – Vaughn asked with his brow furrowed – "I thought we were having lunch together." He seemed truly upset and not worried to show it at all.
Watching his reaction, I wondered whether he was actually growing attached to Julia, and, though I was sure this wasn't a good thing thinking long term (I didn't and don't want him to be in pain from missing me when this is over), the possibility made me selfishly very happy. For a second, I considered standing Kendall up, but Leonid gave me such a glare that I quickly apologized to Vaughn saying that I had some urgent things to do. He nodded his head begrudgingly, probably not understanding his own reason for getting so upset with my absence at lunch. I left silently cursing Kendall.
He really had a reason to call that meeting, though, and it wasn't good news at all. Sloane's trial, that after two years of wait had finally been going on for two months already – not surprisingly, considered the amount and the enormity of his crimes – was taking an unexpected turn: it seemed that the NSC was willing to grant the bastard a pardon agreement in exchange for his cooperation. I heard that in shock and even Kendall seemed really furious. Those days, the NSC seemed to be a much bigger problem in my life than the Covenant: they put my father in jail for something he only did because he loved me; Lauren Reed worked for them and that was how she got to Vaughn; and now they were considering to set free a horrible man who had betrayed his country and good people who thought they were working for its safety; a man who had destroyed lives and families, who had taken so much from me.
Anyway, Kendall thought I deserved to be aware of what was going on, as I had worked so hard and for so long fighting the Alliance and Sloane. He also wanted some information that he couldn't find on mine or Vaughn's archives on SD-6 that might help the prosecution. I told him what he wanted to know, asked about Dixon and Marshall – who was about to become a dad – and went back to the office.
Vaughn was alone in the room working at his desk when I arrived. I stopped at the doorframe and just watched him. Seeing him there I felt how unfair it would be if Sloane got free with everything he had done. The two of us had gone through so much to bring him to Justice, and he would be all nice and dandy while we were stuck in there, pretending to be other people, lives on halt, and for what? Maybe we would succeed in taking the Covenant down just like we did the Alliance; maybe we would bring McKennas Cole to Justice like we did Sloane, but then what? Would he get a pardon agreement too? Then why were we sabotaging missions, running counter-missions, lying to each other, risking our lives on a daily basis? As soon as that though crossed my mind I reprimanded myself, though: I was doing all that because it meant saving lives, it meant making the world a safer place. And that had to be enough. As Vaughn had said to me years ago, talking about a similar situation – only then the traitor who had been granted a pardon agreement was my mother – one who joins the CIA shouldn't do it expecting fairness.
"Do you think we could still have lunch?" I asked from the door.
He turned to me with a big grin, got his wallet and car keys. "Of course." he said walking towards me. As we walked out of the building, I slid my hand into his and held it tightly. We were losing our battle against Sloane and I needed to know that somehow I still had my ally by my side.
………………………………………………………..
A week later I was on my way to work when my cell rang. "He got it." – was all Kendall said and the line went dead. I felt so frustrated and so angry… I parked my car at the parking garage level of the Covenant headquarters but couldn't build enough courage to go up to the office. I had been sitting in the car for about ten minutes when I heard another car pull over and two doors be roughly shut. At the rearview mirror I could see Vaughn's and Weiss's reflections. They seemed to be arguing about something. I slid down in the car seat so they couldn't see me on the way to the elevator.
"I can't believe that bastard got a pardon agreement! The world is turned upside-down!" – that was Weiss.
"Lauren thinks he could be useful." Vaughn answered.
"Laur–Lauren?!? You mean Lauren your girlfriend?!?"
"She is part of the team setting the agreement. And she will be Sloane's contact."
"No way! Do you agree with her? Do you think Sloane should be pardoned?"
Vaughn didn't answer immediately and I was about to get out of my car, blow my cover and yell at him: that he had been the best handler in the world just to betray his asset when she needed him the most; that he had abandoned me to be with a stupid woman who was helping Sloane get free; that I hated myself for loving him so much when he clearly didn't love me back and probably never had. My fingers were already touching the doorknob when I heard him again.
"No, Eric, of course I don't." His tone was completely different from the beginning of the conversation. "Sydney fought so much to bring SD-6 down, to destroy Sloane… She lost her life for that…"
"Not exactly…"
"Julia is not Sydney." he said with the determination of one who tried to convince himself.
"Well…"
"No! Julia is not Sydney! Julia is a terrorist and a cold-blooded killer! Julia is NOT Sydney." – he made a pause – "and for the first time I'm thankful for that. I'm relieved that Sydney can't see what we let happen after she died. She was so strong, she never gave up, she was the best of us all, and she made all of us better than we could possibly be. And after she dies the NSC throws her father in jail and no one gives a damn, the CIA is willing to pardon Arvin Sloane and take him as a consultant, and her former handler who became her boyfriend is dating the woman who set this agreement… You want to know how I feel about this, Eric? I am ashamed. And I finally understand the reason why I lost her: I didn't deserve her; none of us did." His voice was so strained in the end that I could barely understand the last words.
"Okay…" Eric said very slowly. "Since the wound is open and after months I recognize you again, may I ask how your relationship with Julia comes into the puzzle?"
"I don't have an answer to that." He answered after a short silence. "I don't want to think about Julia. She is my assignment. Christopher is in a relationship with her; I'm not. Lauren is my girlfriend. And I may not share her opinion about Sloane, but she is only doing her job. It would be unfair for me to be mad at her. She can't possibly understand anything about Sydney and me, what we did, what we had, what we were. She is not betraying Sydney."
"And you… are not?" Weiss asked.
"I'm not the man she loved anymore. She wouldn't love the man I am now." Vaughn said quietly.
'You're so wrong…' I murmured inside my car.
