Maura does not care for Halloween.
She was eleven and living in New York when her first chance to celebrate the holiday had presented itself. She can still remember the layout of the classroom she had been in when she'd first been introduced to the idea of trick or treating, of carving pumpkins and dressing up in a costume.
She'd gone straight home and read up on it, her excitement mounting as she tried to decide who she would dress up like. What she would do with the candy she got from trick or treating.
She imagined herself sitting with the popular children at school the next day, trading butterfingers for kit kats and hershey's bars. Laughing with her new friends.
And so two nights before Halloween, she'd gotten up the courage to ask her mother to take her out for a costume.
Constance Isles was in her study, working on her latest grant, and when Maura had knocked, she hadn't even looked up.
"Mother?"
"Yes darling," distracted. Constance was always distracted.
"I wanted to ask you…"
"Maura, honey, stand up straight. You don't want to get scoliosis."
Maura had straightened and tried again. "Mother, will you take me to get a costume tomorrow?"
Her mother had put down her pen and taken off her glasses, looking at Maura like she was a stranger. "A costume?"
Maura fidgeted with the pleat of her skirt. "Yes, mother. Halloween is come-"
But Constance had laughed, turning back to her work. "Halloween," she said chuckling. "What a silly holiday. No, sweetheart, I refused to participate in anyway. If you want to, you shall have to do it yourself." And Maura had understood herself to be dismissed.
But she had done it herself. The image of new friends and a place to sit in the cafeteria had been too strong of a pull to turn down, and she had gone back to her room and opened her wardrobe, intent on using anything at her disposal to make herself a costume.
She had pulled out the gown she'd worn to her mother's second wedding, the wedding that had landed them here, and she had held it up to herself in the mirror.
"There," she'd said quietly to herself. "I'm a princess."
And for at least the first half hour after she'd stepped out into the street, clutching her Prada handbag and imagining it full of candy…
She had been.
…..
After that year, she stopped celebrating it. Of course she did. She didn't tell anyone what happened, and the next three days she took off of school went unnoticed by her mother and her teachers alike.
She stopped celebrating and each year when the end of October rolled around, she would find a project to engross herself in. She would devote herself to learning all the countries in Africa, their capitals and their populations. She would learn the periodic table of elements, studying and studying until she could create the chart – in its entirety – from memory. She would read and read about human anatomy, until when she closed her eyes, she could watch the bones of a skeleton clicking together, a movie of her own making in her head.
For four years, Maura ignored the shouts and squeals of the other children as they ran to and fro beneath her bedroom window, calling out to each other. She ignored it, and told herself that they were foolish to waste their time gathering candy that would lead to tooth decay, and forging friendships that, according to her research, were unlikely to last into high school.
Four years, and by the last one, she had almost succeeded in convincing herself that she didn't care, that the month she spent buried, filling her mind with any and all information she could get her hands on was much more valuable than whatever she might have learned roaming the streets dressed like a witch or a ghoul.
Four years. And she was erudite and impenetrable.
And then her family moved back to Europe, and she hadn't had to think about Halloween anymore.
But now, with two little girls in the house, the approaching holiday is welcomed with open arms and furious debates about costumes. Zoe wants to be a bear. She announces this at the breakfast table one morning, so excited that she puts her elbow into her bowl of cheerios.
"What kind of bear, little b?" Jane asks, smiling as Maura lifts Zoe's dripping arm to wipe it with a napkin.
Zoe giggles, leaning towards Maura, "Big grumbly," she says trying to make a fearsome face that just ends up making Maura swoon a little bit. "rawrrawr!" She curls her little hands like claws. "Rawrrr," she says again, and Jane shakes her head, chuckling.
"Got it," she says "I'll see what they have at the party warehouse. What about you, Maya? What would you like to be for Halloween?"
Maya doesn't look up from her plate. Although she hasn't had an outburst like the one a couple weeks ago, she is much more standoffish than she used to be. She no longer clamors to sit next to Maura at the table, and the doctor knows that Maya has been sleeping in Jane's bed almost every night since.
"Maya," Jane prompts gently. Maura's heard them talking, has heard Jane be both reassuring and gentle, and firm and no-nonsense. Neither have seemed to have a huge effect when it comes to the way she interacts with Maura.
Maya looks up at her mother, and then across the table. "I want to be a 'tographer," she says steadily.
Maura feels herself stiffen and she looks at Jane, to see how she's taking the news. If this declaration bothers her, the brunette is hiding it well.
"Okay," she says casually, "what do photographers wear?"
Maya seems brought up short by her mother's tacit approval of her choice. She thinks for a moment. "Camera," she says final. "and a t-shirt and leggings."
Jane nods, and although her face doesn't betray her, her hand shakes almost imperceptibly as she lifts her coffee. "Okay," she says "I bet I could find you one of mommy's light shades. Or we could make one out of cardboard. Would you like that?"
Maya doesn't smile, but she nods without hesitation. "Can I watch cartoons?" she asks after a moment.
Jane glances at her plate. "What do you say?"
Maya looks at Maura, "thank you for breakfast. Can I be 'scused?"
Maura smiles and nods, and the little girl slips from the table, heading towards the living room. Jane reaches out and pulls her back at the last minute, wrapping her in a one armed hug, kissing the side of her head.
"Love you, bug," she says quietly, and when she releases her daughter, Maura can see a little smile tugging at the corners of her mouth.
Jane watches her go and then turns back to Maura. "Alright?" she asks, and Maura understands that she is asking if it's alright that Maya is still rebelling, if Maura still wants to come pumpkin picking with them that afternoon, if they are all still on for carving tonight.
Maura smiles, nodding. "Yes," she says quickly, leaning back as Zoe climbs monkey-like, in to her lap. "Yes."
…
They pick three, large, round pumpkins from a place outside of Revere, and lug them home, the girl's faces rosy from running around in the chilly fall air.
Maura watches Jane unloading the pumpkins from the car and feels a rush of arousal sweep through her as she flexes to carry them into the house.
"when was the last time you carved a pumpkin?" Jane says, thudding the last one down on the kitchen counter.
Maura pulls up two stools for the girls. "Oh Goodness, she says, bending to pick Maya up and set her on one, "it's been forever."
Jane helps Maura up beside them and the three of them set to work opening up the tops of the pumpkins and scooping out their insides.
"Oh My GOSH GROSS!" Maya says happily, plunging her hands into her pumpkin. Maura wrinkles her nose, laughing, and Maya shoots her a glare.
"little b," Jane says as Zoe tugs at the juice her mother has just set down in front of her, "be care-" but it's too late. The entire cup overturns, all down Zoe's front.
The toddler squawks unhappily and then bursts into tears.
"Aww, bug," Jane says sighing, moving around Maura to scoop her up. "Alright," she says sighing again as Zoe clings to her, getting her wet too. "Alright," she glances at Maura, "Let's go change. "You alright, smalls?"
Maya nods, not looking up from her pumpkin, And Jane shoots a meaningful glance at Maura before disappearing down the hall with her wailing daughter.
The doctor is left alone with Maya. She feels irrationally nervous.
Maya doesn't look at her.
"I think your costume is going to be great," Maura says more to break the silence than anything, and the little girl looks up at her, light blue eyes flashing with something that is more fearful than anger.
"I want to be one," she says a little fiercely.
Maura nods, willing herself to be steady, the way Jane was this morning. "Yes," she says, "It's going to be-"
"No," Maura interrupts. "I want to be one for real life."
Maura raises her eyebrows, understanding. "Oh, you mean you want to be a photographer when you grow up? As a career?"
Maya nods, looking back down at her pumpkin. She starts to color it yellow. Maura considers her for a moment before speaking again.
"Would you like to be a photographer because your mother was a photographer?"
Maya frowns, reaching deep down into her pumpkin and pulling out a handful of pulp and seeds. She looks at the insides of the pumpkin, and her lower lip quivers a little. "She let me keep her trophies in my room," she says quietly. Maura doesn't respond, but she sets the spoon she's been using to clean out her pumpkin down.
"She would make me books to read from some of her pictures." Maya looks up at her. "She said really seeing is the most important thing in the world…really seeing something."
Maura smiles, "You mother says you are just like her," she says quietly, watching as Maya tries to hide her smile. "You will be a wonderful photographer."
But the little girl's pleasure vanishes immediately, and is replaced by misery. "I won't be as good as her."
Maura wipes her hand on her scrubs, frowning. "Maya," she says firmly, "I want to tell you something." Maya blinks at her. "But it is very important," Maura continues, "So I need you to come around here and sit next to me."
Much to Maura's surprise, Maya comes without hesitation, climbing up onto the stool next to her, and looking up into the doctor's face.
"Do you know why I'm a doctor?" she asks quietly, sitting down too. Maya shakes her head, and Maura swallows, preparing herself. "My father was a doctor," she says quietly. "He was a doctor for little kids, like you." Maya's eyes widen a little, and Maura smiles. "I was so proud of him. I thought he was the best doctor that anyone ever had…I used to tell everyone that he was a doctor and that no one could compare to him."
Maya bites her lip, "My mommy was the best 'tographer in the nation. There was even a magazine that said so."
Maura nods. "Yes, magazines wrote about my father too. And I was so happy that he was my father, the same way that you were happy that your mommy was yours. And he and I were very happy. We had lots of fun together, and I always felt safe and loved when I was with him." Maura tries to keep the tremor out of her voice, and then gives up, thinking that if Maya hears it, she will know that the doctor is sincere.
"But then something bad happened," Maura says quietly and the little girl puts her hand out, grasping the doctor's fingers. The sudden contact, in addition to the subject matter, bring tears to Maura's eyes.
"I know what happened," Maya says quietly. "Your daddy went to heaven."
Maura swallows again, but nods. "Yes," she says.
"Did a bad man come and take him away from you?"
Maura shakes her head. "No…he got very sick…and he couldn't get better."
Maya looks sincerely sorry. "Oh no," she breathes, and her hand squeezes Maura's fingers. "Oh no."
The doctor shakes her head, trying to keep her focus. There is a point to this story. "Yes. I was very, very sad for a very long time. Sometimes I still get sad. And I decided that I would be a doctor, because my father was a doctor, and I would find a cure for the thing that took him away. I wanted to make him proud, just like you want to make your mommy proud."
Maya's eyes are fixed on Maura's face, her features screwed up in concentration, and Maura chances reaching out and pushing the little girl's hair behind her ear. "But honey, your mommy is going to be proud of you no matter what you do. If you grow up to be a photographer or a lawyer or a…teacher. She's going to be so, so proud of you because you're hers. And she loves you." Maya's eyes get wet instantly, and Maura catches a tear with the pad of her thumb, her fear giving way to something else. Something warm and full in her chest. "She loves you so much, no matter what you decide to become…No matter what you are for Halloween."
Maya leans into her hand, sniffing once, and Maura doesn't speak again, she doesn't think she could even if she knew what more she could say.
"Maura?" Maya's voice is shaking.
"Yes, darling." So is Maura's
"Can I go outside and swing on the swings?"
Maura smiles at the abrupt change of subject. It is so Jane. "Yes," she says, "wear your coat." And Maya slips down of the stool, heading towards the back door. But before she pulls it open, she turns and looks back, her face irresolute.
"What is it, darling?" Maura asks gently.
Maya takes a deep breath. "Your daddy is proud too," she says quickly, "and can you tell mama I want to be a princess?"
…
…
Angela Rizzol shows up at dusk three days later, Halloween. Maura opens the door for her and beckons her in, smiling at the pointed witch's hat that is perched on her head. They round the corner into the living room where Jane is trying to get both girls to hold still and look at the camera.
"Gramma!" both girls wiggle of the couch where Jane has positioned them, and the brunette lets out a frustrated sigh as the girls run towards her mother.
"Well, that's a Kodak moment ruined," she says smiling as Maya practically jumps into Angela's arms. "Hey, Ma."
"Hi Janie," Angela says, hugging Maya tightly. Zoe waddles towards her grandmother as fast as she can, but her bear suit makes in hard for her to go as fast as she would like. Maura feels full herself get teary just looking at the toddler. Zoe is wearing a bear suit, fuzzy and brown, a little too big for her, and only her face is peeking out from the top, a little hood coming up to cover her head with fuzzy bear ears.
"Gam!" she says. "Look! Rawr!" She holds up her hands, incased in fuzzy bear paws.
Maura lets out a noise that is somewhere between a cry and a laugh. The preparation for the night has been both exciting and terrifying. Maya has been wearing her princess costume all day, and after dinner she is finally allowed to put the sparkly pointed hat on, and is given the plastic scepter that came with the dress.
She'd skipped around the house, pretending that everything, from the sofa to the ornamental vase in the hallway was her courtier.
Maura watched her, smiling as she'd deemed the couch "a worthy knight."
"She's not lacking for imagination, at least." Jane had come up behind her, making her jump. "God I used to love Halloween when I was a kid," she'd smiled at Maura. "Didn't you?"
Maura felt like something cold had slipped into her stomach. "Oh..no…I didn't care for it."
And the brunette had looked incredulous. "You what? How is that possible."
Maura had shaken her head, trying to sound disinterested. "We traveled a lot…It wasn't always popular where I was…I never got into the habit…"
And Jane, mercifully, had let the matter rest.
Now, Angela puts her hand over her heart, but she doesn't as scared as she does overwhelmed. "You both look so…adorable," she says to the girls. "I…" she looks at Jane, tears in her eyes. "I'm so glad I get to go trick or treating with you."
It's a thank you, Maura hears it, and Jane hears it too. She smiles grabbing two pillow cases off the couch. "Okay, okay," she says "What are we just standing around here for!"
The girls give excited shrieks, and charge towards the door. Angela smiles at Maura and then at Jane before turning to follow them. "You wearing a coat Jane?" she calls over her shoulder.
"I'll be alright, Ma," Jane says rolling her eyes at Maura.
"It's supposed to be chilly tonight. Can Maya just be out in that thin little dress?"
"It's got fleece inside it, Ma," Jane says, and she holds the door open for Maura, her hand brushing the small of the doctor's back as she crosses the threshold.
Maura feels her stomach flip over with nerves. She has not been out on Halloween for almost twenty years. But Jane flashes a grin at her as they start down the walk.
And Maura recommits herself to the evening.
.
It happens when Maya runs off.
There is a sign for a haunted house three blocks over, and Maya sounds the words out without any help from a grown up, and takes off while Angela and Jane are bickering over letting Zoe eat taffy.
Jane and Maura turn around to see the flicker of her princess dress as she rounds a corner.
"Son of a-" Jane says, starting after her, but at that moment, Zoe lets out a wail as Angela pulls the taffy out of her hands.
"Ma!" Jane says, frustrated, and Maura puts her hand out.
"It's alright, Jane," she says quickly, already heading after the runaway princess. "I'll catch up to her."
And Jane gives her a grateful look, before turning back to her mother.
"Ma," she hears Jane say, "It's Halloween. If the kid wants taffy. Give her the taffy."
She hurries after Maya around the corner, looking this way and that among the groups of kids roaming the streets, searching for a glimmer of pink or purple among the groups.
And then she sees her, up ahead about 100 feet, and her heart stands still, though she can feel herself starting to run.
Maya stands, her little face scrunched up and wet with tears, surrounded by a pack of older kids, and one of them is holding her pillowcase full of candy.
.
"Give it back," She is aware that she is yelling, aware that she has snatched the bag back without giving the boy time to obey. He is tall, as tall as her, and his face is painted as though he's trying to camouflage himself.
"Hey, lady," he says, and his breath smells like smoke. "There's a toll for the haunted house."
And she steps right up to him, without realizing she is doing so. "She's eleven!" she says, and something in the back of her mind pokes at her…correcting her. "Six," she says again…for the first time? "She six. Get the hell away."
And the boy looks unnerved as he steps away, beckoning to his crew. He tosses an expletive over his shoulder as they head off. Maura doesn't hear it.
She bends down handing the sack of candy back to Maya, and she focuses all her attention on inspecting the child in front of her for injury. Her hands? Her dress? Were those places on the fabric always red like that? Is she bleeding? Maura tries to find rational thought. It does not come.
She is eleven again.
"Maya," she says urgently, trying to keep her own panic at bay. The little girl hiccups, trying to stop crying. "Maya, are you okay?"
"Those big boys took my candy," she says tearfully. "I wann'ed to go to the-the-the hauntedhousssse." This last word comes out like a howl.
Maura wants to cry out too. The adrenaline from stepping into the middle of the altercation is wearing off, and now she just feels weak and shaky.
"No, honey," she says, "Look, I got your candy back, alright? Are you okay? Did they hurt you?"
Rip your dress, push you down, call you names, steal your things? Maura wants to ask all of this, but somewhere in the back of her mind she is aware that these are not relevant to the situation at hand. They are an echo from a long, long time ago.
"I…want. I want. I want Mommy," Maya cries, and she throws herself into Maura's arms.
Jane.
Where is Jane.
Maura nods, trying to balance herself enough to stand up and take Maya's hand. "okay," she says quickly. "Okay…let's find Mama."
And she grips Maya's hand very tightly, because if she lets it go, they will come and grab her. They will rip her candy from her again, and this time they will not stop at that. They will push her down. They will rip her clothes. Their hard souled shoes will crush her fingers and they will kick dirt in her face.
"It's okay," she says, though she can't be sure that she's speaking to Maya or to herself. She is trying to regulate her breathing, trying to walk slowly enough for the little girl to keep up with her, but when she blinks she can see those boys, and the way they'd surrounded Maya, their leering painted faces mean and right up close to hers.
Fury keeps her steady as she rounds the corner and looks around for a sign of Jane or Angela. But fury and terror and panic are also blurring the night with tears, and everything looks shadowy and sinister in the light from the streetlamps.
"Mama!" Maya calls tearfully, and Maura can only hope that the cry means she's seen Jane. The doctor's breathing is too loud in her ears, and the earth has started to move.
Maya looks up at her, says her name, and the little voice reverberates in her ears like they are stuck in a wind tunnel.
"Are you alright?" She asks the child. "Did they hurt you?"
They had hurt her.
Jane would never forgive her.
They had hurt her.
Her mother would never forgive her.
"Maya!" Someone is calling the little girl's name. Maura looks around, towards the voice, and maybe she sees Angela, her face alive with happiness, beckoning them over. Maybe that is Jane, moving towards them, looking angry and then looking concerned.
Maybe that is Jane, saying her name.
But then everything is black. And she cannot be sure.
…
…
"Breathe."
Jane's voice is calm and steady in her ear. Her arms are wrapped firmly around Maura's waist and her lips are close enough that they skim the spot below Maura's ear when she speaks.
"Breath, Maura. You're alright."
"I…" Maura tries to take a breath in, but her chest feels tight and painful. She opens her eyes and the light from her kitchen is too bright. She shies away from it and Jane's arms tighten around her again, pulling the doctor close to her shoulder. Maura tries to replay the previous hour in her mind, to slow it down and make sense of her. But her brain seems intent on focusing on just one thing.
Jane is holding her. Protecting her. Speaking to her with a voice that would force her to sit if she wasn't doing so already.
But then she pulls away, the thought of Jane protecting her triggering a memory from the night that makes her go cold with fear.
"Maya!" she chokes, staggering off her stool. "I was…I had to."
Jane follows her, hands out, and Maura feels the long fingered hand wrap firmly around her upper arm.
"Hey," she says quickly, holding the doctor back. "Hey…she's fine. You saved her candy, and her costume…You pointed her back to my Ma just before you passed out…do you remember?" Jane's dark eyes scan her face, worried, waiting. "Do you remember, Maura?"
The hazy image of Angela Rizzoli, smiling and waving, fuzzy little bear-Paige in her arms, and Maya letting go of her hand, running towards her grandmother…excited.
"Oh," she says quietly. "Oh…so she's alright." She closes her eyes as Jane puts her hands on Maura's shoulders.
"Yes. She's okay…Are you?"
Maura's breathing is coming easier now, and she takes a couple of deep breaths to make herself feel better.
"Yes…yes." She looks up at Jane, whose eyebrows are creased with worry. Without thinking, Maura reaches up and pushes her first two fingers against the brunettes forehead. "Yes," she says again, and she sounds much more convincing. "Did you…" something occurs from her, "Did you carry me here?"
Jane grins, and her eyes drop down to Maura's body for half a second before she looks back up.
"You're heavier than you look, Dr. Isles," she says quietly. Maura laughs, and her fingers tap against Jane's forehead once, twice, three times, before pulling away.
"Where are the girls?" she asks, turning towards the fridge, thinking about grabbing a bottle of water.
"They're finishing up the neighborhood with my Ma," Jane replies, "I told them I'd come back if you were okay…oh!" Jane chuckles, pulling a mini butterfinger candy bar out of her pocket. "Maya said to give you this to feel better."
Maura smiles, accepting the candy, taking a swig of her water. "sweet heart," she says, more to herself than to Jane, and then a little louder, "you should go back out, Jane. I'm fine. Honestly."
She heads towards the stairs, thinking about lying down. Jane doesn't move.
"Do you want to…talk about what happened?"
Maura freezes, but doesn't turn around. "It was just a panic attack, Jane." She says quietly. "There's nothing to talk about."
She can almost picture the impatient gesture that Jane makes. "I know from panic attacks, Maur. I meant…do you want to talk about what brought it on?"
Maura shakes her head without thinking about it. "No." she says. "I don't."
A pause, and she feels Jane shift behind her. "Okay," the brunette says quietly, and Maura turns to face her, surprised. She'd expected a fight.
Jane smiles faintly, and takes a step towards her. "I'm not gonna force you," she says, and the smile slips from her lips, making her look like Maya. "Hey…look, Maura," Jane knots her hands. "Look, I heard what you said to Maya, the other day…about Kate…and your father."
Maura has to remind herself to breathe. "Oh…" she shakes her head, "I'm so sorry…Jane. I should have come and gotten-"
But Jane is shaking her head. "No…It was beautiful," Jane says quickly. "It was great, Maura, and…I should have thanked you right away."
Maura just stares at her, trying to comprehend what is happening, and Jane rushes on, like she's trying to get the words out before she loses her nerves. "And I get it…if you don't want to talk about what happened tonight…or ever…but you know, if it has to do with what you told Maya…or anything really…I'm here for you…" she looks up into the doctor's eyes. "Okay?"
Maura can only nod.
Jane takes a step closer, and then another, and Maura can't move. She couldn't move if she wanted to. And Jane is close enough that there are inches between them.
"I have to go back out," she says quietly.
Maura nods.
"Are you going to be okay?"
Another nod. She's lost the ability to command her voice. Her hands are shaking.
"Can I ask you something, Maura?"
"Yes," just a whisper. Maura wants to scream. She wants to throw her arms around this woman. She does not.
"I'm going away…for the day…November Ninth," Jane pauses, and for a moment she looks like she's going to reconsider. Then she looks back up, into Maura's eyes, and her confidence returns. "Will you come with me? For the day?"
Maura opens her mouth, but no words come out.
Jane falters a bit. She swallows. "Please?"
She hasn't said where. She hasn't said what time she's leaving or when she'll get back, or what Maura will need to pack, and in any other situation, the doctor would need to know all of that before agreeing. Now she does not even consider it.
"Yes," she says quickly. "Yes, of course."
Jane smiles, and leans in. She presses her lips to the side of Maura's mouth. It's the first time since she's kissed her since the night they spent together almost three weeks ago. The contact makes her lightheaded, and it's not just because it'sJane.
Maura opens her eyes as the brunette pulls away. "You kept your promise," she says quietly.
Jane smiles, and leans in, kissing the base of Maura's ear. "I keep my promises," she whispers.
And then she's released her, is striding to the front door, is gone, without a backwards glance.
And Maura is left in the hall, looking after her, a little dizzy, though it has nothing to do with the fainting spell.
