Characters belong to Shonda. The rest is mine.
One More Try: Chapter Twelve
ARIZONA'S POV
God, I'm so nervous right now. I don't know why…Eliza is happy to come over tonight. I just feel like I'm going to mess this up. I said some things last night that I don't think she was very happy with, but I was just trying to be honest with her. I mean, it is how I feel. I do think that one day she will drop me and find someone new. That isn't a criticism about her, though…it's just how I expect it to be. I mean, I'm eleven years older than her. In ten or so years time, she will be who I am now, and she will probably find other women attractive. Other women her age. It's only normal. It's only natural. When that day comes, how am I supposed to compete with some hot twenty-something? How am I supposed to keep a hold of Eliza when it is her natural reaction to find other women attractive? Like, I'll be over forty, and she will have only just hit thirty. I may be thinking way too much into it right now, but yeah…it's what I fully expect will happen. I wouldn't ever expect her to stay with me if and when that time comes, but I'm struggling with the idea of it happening. I want to go all in where she is concerned, but I'm scared. I'm scared of having my heart broken all over again. It hurts too much. It hurt enough when my ex-wife cheated, and I already have pretty strong feelings for Eliza, so imagine how much that will hurt. Imagine how heartbreaking it will be if she ever decides that she doesn't want to be with me?
I probably shouldn't worry about it too much right now, but it's all I've thought about today. It was all I thought about last night as I climbed into bed alone, and yeah…it's still firmly on my mind right now. I don't think the fact that I haven't seen her today is helping much, but she is due here in the next twenty minutes, and I'm worried that this dinner won't go how I'd like it to. I'm worried that she is going to come here and say some things I don't want to hear, and then all this worry I have will be for nothing anyway because she is probably going to tell me that she doesn't want to do this. Us. I'd understand, but it would be a little painful. I know it would. Right now, though, I'm trying to push it from my mind. I'm trying, but I'm failing fucking miserably. I just want tonight to be perfect. Beautiful, even. I want us to enjoy dinner and talk about the most random stuff. I want her to feel safe and comfortable with me. I just want Eliza to be happy, but I don't think she is very happy with me.
I guess she has every right to be pissed. I don't know how I manage to do it, but it seems my words get tangled when I'm trying to explain how I feel. Like, I know what I want to say in my head…but they fall from my mouth totally differently. I don't want her to think that I'm not all in because honestly, I'm trying so hard to be. I'm trying to be the person I want to be, but Abbie and her actions are constantly in the back of my mind. Every time I sit and imagine how happy Eliza makes me feel…that sinking feeling settles within me and that idea of happiness disappears. I mean, why did she cheat on me? Was I not making her happy? Was I not good enough for her? Was the sex bad or not often enough? I don't know, but I feel like I need to find out her reasons for doing what she did. She's never actually told me why she did it, and it's constantly on my mind. So much so, that it is affecting my new relationship. It's affecting my ability to totally give myself to Eliza. If her cheating was because of something I did, I need to know so I can fix it and prevent it from happening again.
I don't feel like I did anything wrong in our relationship, but I also can't be sure that I haven't. Sometimes things happen when you don't realize it or you think nothing of it. Maybe I hurt Abbie in some way and it was her way of retaliating. I don't know. I'd like to discuss it with Eliza, but I'm not sure it's a good idea. I'm not sure anything regarding my ex-wife is a good topic of conversation. The last time I spoke about it, she kicked me out of her apartment and we spent the next month avoiding each other. Sure, it was a mix up in communication, or the lack of, even, but still…she didn't want to hear anything about it. About her. I totally understand why she wouldn't want to discuss my marriage with me, but I need to talk about it with someone. I need to figure out how I can be a better person, a better girlfriend…when that time comes. I need to know how to not mess this up because the thought of Eliza not being in my life absolutely kills me inside.
Grabbing my cell from the counter, I glance at the time and it's almost 5:45 in the afternoon. I've asked Eliza to be here for six, and honestly, I'd hoped she would be here sooner. I'd hoped she would come straight from campus but she must be busy. Either that, or she really is so mad at me that she doesn't want to be here any longer than she has to. Probably the latter. Hitting a familiar number, my anxiety levels rise a little and I try to settle myself a little.
"Sup, Robbins?"
"Alex, thank god you answered." I breathe out. "I just…tell me I'm doing the right thing. I mean, with Eliza. Tell me I'm doing the right thing, please?"
"Um, you're doing the right thing…" He mumbles.
"You could sound a little more enthusiastic." I scoff.
"Sorry, dude. I don't know what you want me to say." He admits. "She doesn't stop freaking talking about you, though. I know that much."
"She doesn't?" I furrow my brow.
"No. She's just been here, too. Wanted one of my awesome coffees."
"And…" I draw out.
"And she had some weird grin on her face." He laughs. "Kinda creeped me out, to be honest."
"Weird grin like how?" I ask. "Like a happy weird grin or a nervous weird grin?"
"I don't know, and I also don't have time for twenty questions, Robbins. You guys are good together…if that's what you're asking?"
"It wasn't actually, but thanks." I sigh. "Do you think she will do what Abbie did?" I ask.
"You mean turn into a fucking whore?" He scoffs. "No, Minnick isn't into that."
"How would you know?"
"Because she's my friend." He perks up. "You aren't my only one, you know!"
"Jeez, thanks." I spit. "Somehow you make me feel better and worse all at the same time. Asshole."
"It's what I'm here for." He laughs. "I gotta go. I have a business to run. Be good, Robbins. Or be careful…whatever." The call abruptly ending, I glance down at the screen and furrow my brow. Well, that was just rude. Shaking my head, I throw my cell down on the kitchen counter and sigh. I need to calm down. I need this night to be good. I guess some of my anxiety is the fact that I haven't dated since I was in college, but things can't have changed that much, right? Like, people still want romance and candles and shit, right? God, I hope they do because it's all I've got right now.
The sound of movement outside my door pulling me from my thoughts, my heart sinks into my stomach and I close my eyes. "Come on, Robbins. You've got this." Mumbling to myself as I cross the room, I glance down and realize that I haven't even had time to change yet. Fucking great. Now it will look like I've put zero effort in. A light knocking sound catching my attention, I release a deep breath and pull my door open. "H-Hey…" I breathe out. "You look beautiful." My eyes fixed on Eliza's cleavage, I try to remove the thoughts I'm having right now from my head and step aside.
"Thanks." She brushes past me and her scent almost knocks me off of my feet. "I didn't know which you preferred so I brought both." Setting two bottles of wine down on the kitchen counter, I give her a thankful smile and she leans back, her hands shoved in the pockets of her jeans. "Good day?" She asks.
"Yeah." I run my fingers through my hair and close the distance between us. "Busy, but okay."
"I was going to drop by and see you but I figured it would be best if I didn't." She gives me a sad smile. "I wanted to, though."
"It would have been nice to see you," I admit as I step past her. Stopped in my tracks when she grips my wrist, she pulls my body into her own and furrows her brow.
"No kiss?" Giving her a sad smile, I lean in and capture her lips. "That's better." She breathes against my mouth.
"Sorry, just I've been going out of my mind all day." She takes my hand in her own. "I wasn't sure you would even show this evening."
"I said I would." She replies.
"I know, I just wasn't sure if we were okay or not." I shrug. "You didn't say much about last night and then I haven't really heard from you today so I figured I'd said some stuff last night that you didn't want to hear."
"No." She shakes her head. "I appreciate your honesty. It means I can try to show you that I want you because you clearly seem to think that it won't always be the case."
"No, I just…I don't know where I went wrong last time so I have to get it right this time. It's not important right now, though, so can we just share dinner and spend some time together before you have to leave?"
"Sure." She nods, giving me a slight smile. "Maybe we can talk during dinner?"
"I don't know." I sigh. "I don't want to say anything that may hurt you or upset you. I just want a nice evening with you…"
"But I want to hear about what's going on in that head of yours." She runs her thumb across my bottom lip. "It's important to me." Wow, for someone so young…she's certainly mature. "Please?" She dips her head and presses her lips to mine.
"Okay." I agree. "Just see how things go, okay?"
"Sounds good to me."
Settled at my dining table, fresh wine has been poured and Eliza hasn't spoken since her plate was placed in front of her. She seems to be enjoying her food, but I can't be sure that her silence isn't because she is thinking things over. I'm sure she's not and she is simply appreciating the food I've cooked, but I feel like my own mood is affecting my ability to really enjoy myself tonight. She wants to talk about us, but I'm not sure what she wants me to say. That I'm an insecure bitch because of my ex-wife? That I don't feel good enough? I really don't know how to begin the conversation, and honestly, I'm hoping it doesn't come. I'm hoping it can all be forgotten about right now and this evening can be glitch free. "Is your food okay?" I ask, sipping on my glass of red.
"Mm…" She nods and places her hand in front of her mouth. "Amazing."
"Good." I breathe out. "I wasn't sure what you liked or disliked…"
"There isn't a lot that I don't like." She swallows her food and gives me a slight shrug. "I'll try anything, but this chicken is to die for."
"I'm glad you like it…"
"Hoping for much more of this." She admits, glancing up at me a little. "You know, in the future?"
"Yeah?" My body relaxes a little at her words and she gives me a nod. "You can have all the food you want."
"This is nice." She says, referring to the setting I've created around us. It's just a few candles and some low music, but I wasn't sure what else to do. I mean, simplicity is best sometimes in my opinion, and I hoped she would be okay with it. I didn't want to look like I was trying too hard. "Nobody has ever done this for me before…" She admits.
"No?" I raise an eyebrow. "That's a shame."
"Not really." She shrugs. "It's nice that you're the first. Means so much more to me this way." Her words causing me to smile, my nerves settle a little. I don't know why I'm feeling so anxious tonight, but it's really beginning to piss me off. I mean, she's here and she is saying all of the right things, so why can't I just accept that? Why can't I just let go of all of my unnecessary thoughts and just be with her? Sometimes my mind can be my own worst enemy, but this has to stop. It's going to pull us apart if I'm not careful. "Stop thinking so hard…"
"I wasn't." I clear my throat and fix my eyes on the food in front of me.
"Do you see a future with me, Arizona?" Her words catching me off guard, my eyes shoot up and meet her own. "Do you see us doing this in five years time?"
"I do," I admit. "But then other things come into play and those thoughts stop as soon as they start."
"So, talk to me?" She raises her eyebrow. "Tell me what other things are on your mind."
"Just, a lot." I give her a sad smile. "Just my own worries."
"About me?" She furrows her brow.
Dropping my fork to my plate, I shake my head and take her hand in my own. "No, Eliza. Just about me." Running my thumb across her knuckles, she sets her own fork down and pushes her almost empty plate away before resting her chin on her hand, her elbow propping her up. "You aren't who I worry about, I promise."
"It's her isn't it?" She sighs. "She is on your mind."
"Yes, but not in the way that you think," I state. "I want to say some stuff to you and I want you to know that I'm trying, but after last time, I don't think you are the person I should be discussing it with. It didn't work last time, so I don't expect it to work this time around."
"Say it." She smiles a half smile. "Whatever you have to say…please, just say it."
"I don't know where I went wrong with her." I sigh.
"Why do you assume that you went wrong?" She furrows her brow. "Why do you have to be to blame?"
"Because she cheated." I shrug. "I must have done something to make her do that to me. You know, like she was hurting me back for something. I just…I don't know what."
"Have you ever thought that maybe she just couldn't keep her hands to herself?" She asks, her eyebrow slightly raised. "Have you ever thought that maybe she is just that kind of person?"
"N-No." I stutter. "Why would she do that? I mean, why would you hurt someone for no reason?"
"Because, Arizona…" She shifts her seat a little closer to my own and rests her free hand over the ones we already have laced together. "Some women don't know a good thing when they have it. Some women don't know what they've got until it's gone."
"You think it could be that?" I ask, genuinely curious. "You think maybe I didn't go wrong somewhere?"
"No, I know it." She states. "Why anyone would hurt you in that way is beyond me. Why anyone would ever risk losing you is a little hard for me to understand."
"Maybe I'm just not as loveable I as thought I was." I sigh. "But so long as people can be honest with me, I'm okay with that."
"That's not true." She shakes her head and pushes her seat back a little. "You are probably the most loveable person I've ever met." Okay, I don't know what she is saying, but it's nice to know that she thinks that. "I wish she hadn't hurt you the way that she did, but I'm glad she's not in your life anymore. That may be super selfish of me, but I don't care. It means I get to have you…"
"You're just saying that because you think you have to." I blush.
"No, I'm saying it because it's true." She counters. "You are beautiful and you are incredible, but you cannot allow what she did to you to ruin your future relationships. I don't know why she did what she did, but I know it wasn't because of you. I know you didn't make her unhappy. Some people just cannot be kind and loving like you are. I mean, I don't know her, and I'm sure it was amazing at some point, but nobody should ever come home to their wife to discover what you did. Nobody."
"I don't know what the hell you ever saw in me, but thank you, Eliza." My heart pounding out of my chest, this woman beside me makes me feel more special than Abbie ever did. She's right. We were amazing and we were perfect, but Abbie ruined that. "You know, she was cheating for a year…"
"Wow." She breathes out. "And that just makes me want to kill her even more."
"Maybe she was the problem." I shrug. "Maybe she was always supposed to cheat until I caught her."
"Why?" Eliza furrows her brow.
"Because it led me to you…" I give her my honest answer.
"Y-You really mean that?" Her smile widens. "You really think that we would have ended up together at some point anyway?"
"I do." I nod. "Because even though I was married and in love…it was only a matter of time before my feelings became too strong for you. It would have only been a matter of time before I was the cheat."
"You'd have cheated on her with me?" Her eyes widening, I suspect I shouldn't have said that. Now she will think that I may one day cheat. See? I always say the wrong fucking thing.
"I'd like to believe I wouldn't have, but I can't be sure." I sigh. "I mean, I've never imagined myself doing that, bu-" Cut off when she stands and pushes my own seat back, Eliza straddles my legs and my heart rate picks up. "Eliza, you have to hear me out."
"I'm listening…" She smirks. "Just…hurry up." Okay, not the reaction I expected.
"What I'm saying is…I'd never cheat on you, but yeah…given half the chance, I'd have taken you on the desk in my office."
"I think I should probably stay the night." Her words sending my head into a spin, she runs her tongue up the shell of my ear and breathes hard. "Because if I don't, I'll regret it tomorrow."
"You don't have to stay to make me happy, Eliza. I just want to be honest with you."
"Well, knowing you'd have fucked me while your wife was at home waiting for you…" She tugs on my earlobe. "It's made me a little wet…" Her lips working the skin below my ear, she sinks her teeth into my neck and my own arousal pools between my legs. "...and I don't think I can head home in that state." Oh god. That's hot. So hot that I'm actually holding my breath right now. My stomach is somersaulting and yeah, I could come right now. Hard.
"Eliza…" I breathe out. "A-Are you saying what I think you're saying?" I need to know if this is going to be our night. Or her night, even. I'm okay with simply sleeping beside her, but something tells me that she wants more than that.
"I'm saying that you may have wanted to take me on your desk, Professor Robbins…but you'll have to take me in your bed instead." Professor Robbins? Wow. "There will be plenty of time to make full use of your desk, though. Just…not tonight."
"Oh god." Her center grinding down against my own, I'm not sure what to even do with her words right now. I mean, she may change her mind once the time comes, but right now…she is saying all of the right things. "That's so fucking hot."
"Because you are incredibly hot and I need your hands on my body, Arizona." There is not a single sign of hesitation in her voice right now and it's got me feeling all kinds of ways. "Please, don't push me away."
"I won't." I smile. "I want you, Eliza." Curling my fingers beneath her chin, she forces her body against my own and studies my face. "I said some things last night that may have hurt you, and it wasn't my intention. I know how I feel about you, and I know how real this feels. From this moment on, I'm all in. Every piece of me. I promise you."
"Yeah?" Blinking back the tears that have formed in her eyes, she gives me a sad smile.
"Yes." My dimples pop. "No matter what we have to go through, and no matter what we may face…we can do this. I know we can. We can be happy and amazing together."
"God…" She breathes out.
"I know I've allowed my own worries to get in the way of this moment, but I have to move forward and I have to stop believing that I'm at fault for other people's actions. You and I are all that matters right now. You are my priority…both as my student and as my girlfriend."
"G-Girlfriend?" She stutters as her lips graze my own. "You want me to be your girlfriend?"
"I do." I breathe against her mouth. "I want you to be my girlfriend."
"Well then…" She smirks. "This girlfriend needs to go to bed...with her very hot professor."
"You have to stop doing that." I groan as I squeeze my thighs together. "I'll never be able to look at you in class again."
"That's fine by me Professor Robbins." She runs her tongue across my bottom lip. "So long as you are thinking about how good I fuck you when you aren't able to look at me…I can live with that. I mean…" Her fingertips disappearing up my skirt, my breath catches in my throat and she smiles. "...you will dress like this, and you will make me want you. So, you can deal with the consequences of your very hot actions."
Thanks for reading, guys. Reviews are welcome and appreciated as always. I'll try to get the next chapter out to you tonight but I'm not 100% sure it will be possible. I will try my best, though.
I cut it there because I wanted what happens next to be Eliza's POV.
