I couldn't wait to get home.
To face Eric and Mike and Jessica…
On second thought I could wait.
I could gladly wait.
So I took my good old time cleaning and re-cleaning the kitchen just for the joy of it.
And I checked and double checked the locks on my way out.
And when I finally got in the car I purposely turned the wrong way just to see where it would take me.
*
Sometime after 11 o'clock I sauntered through the front door of the house.
I held a large pepperoni pizza in my hands.
My only defense for being home so late.
The sound of the TV mixed with tipsy conversation greeted me.
"There she is!" Mike exclaimed.
He sat in the loveseat with Jessica curled up to his side.
She grinned demonically, "Hey Bella."
"Hey Jess."
"Where were you?" Eric asked from his lonely seat on the opposite couch.
He didn't sound very pleased.
I shrugged, "I got caught up."
That was a line I'd stolen right from his mouth.
And he knew it.
"But don't be too angry with me," I said, "I come bearing pizza."
I held the cardboard box out like a sacred delicacy and dramatically placed it on the coffee table as if it were an offering.
My audience laughed.
And I knew I was forgiven.
I took my seat beside Eric.
He loped an arm easily around me.
Funny how something that used to be completely natural now made me uncomfortable.
It shouldn't have.
He was my husband and it shouldn't have.
And yet it did.
It seemed like guiltiness had embodied itself into a nagging third wheel in our relationship.
But I could see Jessica out of the corner of my eye.
Watching me.
Waiting for some sign of that guilt.
Waiting for me to give in to that discomfort.
And so I couldn't.
I had to prove her wrong.
Show her I was perfectly happy with Eric.
Even if she was dead on and I was anything but happy with him.
I forced myself to snuggle in closer to him.
That seemed to satisfy her.
And she turned her attention to the pizza, plucking a slice.
The scent of alcohol reached my nose.
I glanced at the beer in Eric's other hand before scrutinizing his face.
His eyes were slightly glassy.
He smiled sheepishly at me.
"You're going to pay for that in the morning," I warned.
Shooting looks at Mike and Jessica I amended, "You all are."
"It doesn't matter," Mike said lazily, "We're all taking off the rest of the week."
I turned back to Eric stunned, "You took time off?"
Eric started to answer but, just like I knew he would, Mike jumped in and answered for him.
"'Course he did. We need someone to outsmart the cops."
He laughed and the other two joined in.
I didn't.
"Where exactly are you going?"
I was leery.
And, even though I was clearly speaking to Eric, Mike jumped in again.
"Camping at Goat Rocks."
"Yeah," Jessica piped up, "You should come with us."
She started at me, expectant.
I wanted to hit her.
"I can't," I said flatly.
"Oh, that's right," she pretended to suddenly remember, "You're meeting with the Mason's again, aren't you?"
"The Mason's," Mike muttered shaking his head, "Filthy rich assholes."
"Or are they?" Jess feigned curiosity, making sure she had control of the conversation.
I thought of your mother.
One of the nicest people I'd ever known.
"Not even close."
Jessica shrugged, "You would know, I guess. You spend hours on the phone with them everyday."
Did I mention how much I hate Jessica?
If not I'll just tell you now:
A lot.
"Hours?" Eric questioned.
"They're very particular."
"I'll say," Devil Woman smiled, "Especially the boy…What's his name?"
She just had to make me say it.
"Edward."
"How particular is he?"
I felt like I was a defendant being interrogated by a prosecutor and Mike and Eric were the jury.
I didn't have a lawyer to object for me.
But I did have a cell phone in my pocket.
And, praise God, it chose that moment to ring.
Jessica, though, had to get one last jab in.
"You better get that," she advised, "It might be Edward."
I checked the number with the beat of a drum in my chest.
Was it you?
No.
Just my mom.
And I should have been glad that was the case.
If it had been you it certainly wouldn't have helped me.
But I was disappointed anyway.
I rolled my eyes, "It's Renee."
"Hi Mom," I said into the phone.
And made my escape.
*
I already spent hours on the phone with you, so why not Renee? She just wanted to catch up, it was nothing vital, but the longer I could keep her talking the longer I could avoid Jessica's questions.
And that was definitely worth a pair of throbbing ears.
So I let her tell me about everything under the sun of Florida.
And I "hummed" and "hmmed" and "uh huhed" until I saw Mike and Jessica getting their coats.
Finally.
But I still wasn't taking any chances.
I made sure they were out the door before I hung up.
And then I went to clean up the pizza.
I found Eric in the kitchen.
"What time are you leaving tomorrow?" I asked as I put the leftovers in the fridge.
"Around seven or so. We won't be back until Sunday. Do you think you could drive up for the weekend?"
Wow.
He wanted me there.
How flattering.
"The party's this weekend. I have to be there."
I only fully realized this fact as I said it.
The party, your party, was this weekend.
The whole reason our lives had become entangled in the first place was this weekend.
And after this weekend that entanglement would be over.
And then what?
I didn't know.
And that terrified me.
"Even if I could come, I wouldn't. Goat Rocks is awful for camping," I said to distract myself.
"That's what I said," Eric agreed, "But Mike thinks the bears will make it interesting."
The mental picture of Mike being eaten by a bear made me smile.
I began to imagine Jessica in a similar situation, but thought a bear would be too good for her.
No, Jessica deserved something much, much worse.
I hoped the world's most dangerous predator would find her and slowly suck the life from her putrid corpse.
"I should make sure everything's squared away before I start packing," Eric said partly to himself and started to head for his office.
But I wasn't having any of that.
"You take time off when Mike wants you to."
He stopped mid-step.
"How many times have I asked you to take time off for me? How many vacations have I tried to get you to go on?"
Eric sighed, turning around as he did.
"We never went on any of them. But when Mike, the king of all that is holy, decides to grace you with an invite to his precious camping trip from above, you sure do clear your schedule fast, don't you?"
"It's not like that, Bella. It just happened to be good timing. That's all," he responded gently.
I didn't say anything for a moment.
And he tried to walk away again.
"That's right," I said, "Go back to that damn computer. It's more important to you than I am."
He whirled around, "What's with you?" he demanded.
"I'm tired of always coming in last to your job and your friends. It would be nice to be a priority sometime."
An eye roll, "You're not last."
"Really? I'm not? You would drop a dinner with Mike and Tyler to eat with me, then? You would go out and celebrate with me on the weekend instead of working overtime?"
The eye rolling ceased.
I'd been needing to get this off my chest for awhile now. It was amazing how wonderful it felt to say it. There was more between us than guilt.
Suddenly he was on the defensive, "Well you're one to talk. You just told me you couldn't go camping because you had to work."
"Maybe I wanted you to see how it felt."
He threw his hands up.
"What do you want me to do?" he asked.
And at that moment, I knew exactly what I wanted.
Because I knew that I was very close to crossing another line I shouldn't cross.
Yes, I was entangled with you.
But that entanglement could still be undone without much harm.
We could go our separate ways after that party.
And you would remain a dream in my subconscious, more fantasy than reality.
Something I would look back on for the rest of my days with a bittersweet mix of memory and regret.
And I would be able to live with that.
What I wanted was for Eric to pull me back from the edge.
To keep me from plunging past the point of no return.
A point I knew I was going to cross before he came back from Goat Rocks.
"Say something," I said.
Please.
Please say something.
Please stop me before it's too late.
He could have apologized for putting me last.
Took me in his arms and promised never to do it again.
Told me he wasn't going to go camping.
Or just said he loved me.
But he said, "I don't know what to say."
And I knew he wasn't going to pull me back.
He was going to let me jump.
Let me jump headfirst.
Headfirst into you.
