Daryl sped off into the darkness. But he only made it a short ways before he pulled over to the side of the road. He sat there for a long time, forehead pressed down onto the steering wheel, struggling to understand the events that had just transpired with Beth. He felt like the weight of the world had come crashing down on him. And he had no idea how to feel – almost every emotion imaginable was converging on him in that moment.
More than anything Daryl felt hurt and a devastating sense of loss. He'd known something like this would happen eventually, he'd reminded himself. Every good thing he ever had in his life hadn't lasted very long. He'd reminded himself of that on Wednesday night after he and Beth had stayed up late talking. He'd gone to bed with this overwhelming sense of happiness and peace. But in the darkness of the night, as he'd laid quietly in his bed thinking about Beth, his demons from the past crept in – reminding him that he'd never had anyone truly good in his life for too long – they'd either realized how broken and flawed he was, or he'd done something to push them away. He'd tried to convince himself that this was different, that Beth knew how broken he was, but that it didn't matter to her, and that she wanted to be the one to help him knit himself back together piece by piece.
But Beth had hurt him. And while he knew he shouldn't have gotten his hopes up about things with her, he couldn't help himself. Something had been different with her – he couldn't quite put his finger on it or explain it, but it was just a feeling he got about it, about her. He couldn't have been more wrong though, and he was realizing that now, although that realization hit him like a Mack truck. He had fooled himself into thinking she actually cared about him and her words echoed in his mind over and over again.
'This shouldn't have happened. It was a mistake.'
Daryl knew that the events of the night had come a bit out of left field. At least for Beth. For him, it had seemed that way at first, but he'd realized over the course of the night that he'd had those types of feelings for her since the moment that they met – and he'd just been repressing them, trying to make responsible decisions, trying not to jump straight back into a relationship after being hurt by Andrea. But once it was all happening, once Beth was in his arms, sharing intimate kisses and touches with him, he couldn't stop himself. And he hadn't wanted to, and still didn't regret it. And that's why Beth's words haunted him so badly – she'd thought it was a mistake, but he didn't, he couldn't. It was too right to him to be a mistake. It wasn't just some random hookup to him – it really meant something. For Daryl, the intimacy between them had been an expression of how he was feeling, his emotions about Beth and his desires to get closer to her, to get to know her in every possible way.
Beth obviously hadn't felt that way, though. Her statements had made that particularly evident – it seemed that she'd just gotten swept up with how good the physical part of the situation felt and once her brain caught up, she realized her heart and her body weren't on the same page. Daryl would never ask her to do something she wasn't comfortable with, but he almost felt tricked. He'd really thought they had something, something deeper – but it was too good to be true. And now, he knew, there was no going back to what they'd had before. It was too awkward of a situation and he'd have to face the reality that Beth probably wouldn't be in his life anymore. He was sure she wouldn't want to face him – and he wasn't sure how he could face her either, knowing that he'd put himself out there for her, only to be rejected. She didn't see him the way he saw her – she just saw him as a mistake.
'It was a mistake'.
Daryl wished the memory of those words didn't cause him so much pain. And he wished that he could just forget them, instead of them playing continually like a broken record through his mind.
And that desire to forget was what led him to Walmart, before he'd really even realized it. It was one of the few places on the island that never closed and even though Daryl hadn't made the conscious decision to go there, he found himself there anyway, in the beer and wine aisle, subconsciously being driven to find something that would help him forget, something that would numb the pain, especially the hurt that was currently radiating in his heart. He realized that the pain he was feeling was actually physical, that there was a strong ache in his chest that was so deep that he didn't know how or when it would go away. And he felt so incredibly stupid for feeling that way, for having all of these intense, yet unrequited feelings for Beth, especially since he knew he'd really only known her for a week. How could he have misread the situation so badly? How had he allowed his emotions to get so out of control, especially with someone that obviously didn't feel the same way about him? How could he have mistaken her good deeds towards his as something other than her simple drive to help others? And how in the world had he fooled himself into thinking that her actions that evening had anything to do with her feelings towards him, instead of her simply wanting to help him make Andrea jealous and then getting swept up in how good it all felt?
He had known better, hadn't he? Known from the moment that they met that she was too good for someone like him. Beth was the most beautiful woman he'd ever known, both inside and out, and he'd known deep down that his feelings for her would probably go unanswered. Why would she want to be with someone like him – someone that had a broken past, who never went to college or fully applied himself to much in life, someone who had problems trusting others because he'd been let down by every single person he'd ever loved or relied on.
By the time he'd gotten back to his apartment, which was only about a 5 minute drive, he'd already downed two beers from the two cases he'd bought at the store. He wasn't really sure why he'd bought what he had, but he'd just grabbed whatever he could carry and taken it to the register. And he knew he shouldn't drink while driving, but in that moment, that wasn't his concern. He was hurting and he wanted to numb the pain, through whatever means necessary.
Daryl lugged the cases of beer up the stairs to his garage apartment, his new home. He had only spent a short amount of time there so far, since he'd only been able to move in the previous afternoon. Late Friday afternoon, he'd moved in his few belongings after he'd gotten home from picking up the key from Carol and getting his hair cut. He'd only had a little bit of time to get ready before he had to pick Beth up for dinner, so he hadn't unpacked much, knowing he'd have plenty of time over the weekend to get settled. As he continued drinking, downing beer after beer, he looked around his new home. He'd loved this place when he and Beth had first seen it that Monday – it was small and simple, and he'd felt like it really suited him. But now, looking around, he didn't feel that way anymore. Instead, all he could think about was how he'd picked this place out with Beth. And how she'd excitedly planned to go with him on Sunday to buy the things he still needed for the place. She'd made a list over the last few days, continually adding to it as she thought of things he would need. He'd told her that he didn't need some of those things – they weren't things he'd ever had, or really thought of, for that matter – but she'd insisted on putting them on the list and she was so cute about it all that he just couldn't tell her no. He'd loved how excited she'd been about helping him get what he needed for his new place and he realized now that it had made him feel closer to her, knowing that she wanted to be part of all these little parts of his life.
Daryl knew now what people meant when they said they felt "at home" somewhere, and with someone. He'd felt that with Beth over the last few days and it had very little to do with her comfortable house and much more to do with Beth herself. And now he was here, in this strangely cold apartment, and he couldn't feel more alone. He missed her already and again, felt stupid because of that. He had planned to go to the beach today and carry them a picnic lunch to share together on her break – he wouldn't have been able to hang out with her the whole day, but he'd at least have been able to be near her and that was enough. He knew he needed to get passed these feelings about her, though in that moment he didn't know how and so, he was content to wallow in his feelings and think about Beth, all the good times they'd had and how much he cared for her, even if it had only been for just a brief time.
As he continued to drink, sinking down onto the couch of his apartment, he couldn't help but think back to the way Beth had looked the night before as they'd hurried home in his truck. He thought about how she'd writhed around under his touch and the look in her eyes as she'd silently pleaded with him for more. And then he thought about her words – the ones that had made him feel weak in the knees.
'Touch me, Daryl. Really touch me'.
He closed his eyes, lying down on his couch now, and savored those thoughts – the memories of her words, and of her half naked body lying before him on her bed – and he wanted to hang onto those memories as tightly as possible because he knew, as painful as it was to admit to himself, he'd never experience that with her again.
Beth stood in the driveway for a long time. She had no sense of time in those moments and the only reason that she went back inside the house was because she saw the sky starting to lighten, signaling to her that the sun would soon come up and that she needed to get ready for work. She didn't want to go – she wanted to hide away at home, letting herself be emotional about what had just happened with Daryl – but she knew she couldn't flake out on work and she figured that she could make it through one shift. Zach had always been very lenient with her, giving her more flexibility and grace than anyone probably deserved; and she didn't want to ruin that by calling out of work last minute or even worse by just simply not showing up. After today, she'd be off until Tuesday, which would give her a couple of days to get things straightened out in her mind and figure out what to do about Daryl.
Beth told herself that she needed to push all of the thoughts about Daryl, and about that night, out of her mind. At least for the moment she needed to focus – she had to get to work. And she had to keep her mind on her job, she told herself, because if she lost her focus, even for a moment, lives could be at stake. She wouldn't be able to live with herself if something happened to someone and she was lost in her thoughts and wasn't there to help.
She walked back upstairs and into her room. She knew she needed to shower and hopefully the steam would help her clear her mind. She stood looking at her bed, though, at the place where she had been with Daryl not that long ago. She couldn't help but wish that things had gone differently. She didn't regret being honest with Daryl – she hadn't been comfortable with the situation and she knew she would hate herself if she let things go in the direction that Daryl was taking them. But it wasn't because she didn't care about Daryl – no, it was quite the opposite, she thought.
Beth had spent the last few days trying to shake the feelings for Daryl that were growing inside her. She knew they were irrational – they had only just met – but she couldn't shake them, not really. She'd tried though, tried to just push them down, not think about them. She knew he didn't feel the same way – he'd been very clear about that. And she could hear his words from Monday repeated over and over in her mind.
'I need to find a new normal but on my own'.
Daryl wanted to be alone, she'd thought many times, and he'd been very clear about that. And why wouldn't he want that? He'd been hurt, time after time, ever since he was a child, and he'd learned that he couldn't get close to others because they'd eventually always let him down. Beth had learned that about Daryl quickly, and while she felt that they had grown very close, she also sensed that Daryl had put an emotional wall up between them. And while Beth had often thought that their relationship could eventually evolve from friendship into something more significant, she thought that Daryl would never let her get close enough for that.
But that was before what had happened with them that previous night. In those moments she had almost felt like it had been a dream. Throughout the week she couldn't help but feel close to Daryl – they'd spent almost every waking moment together except for the time that they were at work, and even though she wasn't supposed to have her cell phone during work, she'd sneak it out every once in a while to text with him. She'd liked that closeness that they'd shared, but also felt that the emotions blooming inside her were mostly one-sided and so, she was quite shocked to hear Daryl's words to her as they left the bar that night before.
'Who says I'm pretending?'
She'd felt like a school girl, giddy and excited, finally thinking that maybe she didn't have to suppress all those feelings after all, that maybe Daryl returned some of the same affections for her that she had for him. He'd touched her so seductively, and even started calling her "baby", and it had made her heart race and her body yearn to be closer to him. She wanted that intimacy and she wanted it with Daryl.
But it had all happened too fast and when her mind caught up with the situation, she panicked. She had felt as if she was having some sort of anxiety attack, unable to control her breathing or the fear racing through her mind. She wanted to be with Daryl – but she wanted to do it the right way. If they were going to have a relationship, she wanted to approach it cautiously but appropriately – she wanted to protect her own heart, but she also wanted to protect Daryl's. And something about what he'd intended, especially his words, had triggered something in her, telling her that things had gotten way ahead of where they should have been.
'I can't wait to taste you, baby'.
She shuddered thinking about that. And strangely, now that Daryl was gone, it turned her on. A lot. And a war waged in her mind. Had she done the right thing after all? Should she have just gone through with it even when she felt anxious and unprepared in the moment? Did he feel like she had led him on, only to turn around and reject him at the eleventh hour? Would this ruin their relationship forever? Could she even try to face him again?
She wasn't sure about any of it. And as she finally stepped into the shower and started to wash herself off slowly, she couldn't help but think about Daryl's hands on her and hope to God that that wouldn't be the last time she felt them. She would do everything in her power to make sure that it wasn't – the only question was whether it would be enough.
