The characters of the CSI universe are not mine. The characters that you don't recognize are all mine.
Thank you so much for the kind reviews. They are all special and greatly appreciated. It's what s keep me writing.

Thanks to cathandsaraforever55 for trying to make sense of my writing, any remaining mistakes are all mine.

I thought that I couldn't write fiction and here I am with more than 35000 words and more to come.


Chapter 12

Since the brunette had given Catherine a second chance it hadn't bothered the older woman as much when Sara withdrew. Not to say that the blonde was thrilled when it happened, but the older woman accepted that Sara needed some distance to protect herself. Catherine was hoping that if she kept her temper in check it would change. The brunette would feel comfortable enough in the older CSI's presence not to need the protective walls.

Catherine was trying her damndest to be Sara's friend. Sometimes it seemed like it was working; Catherine noticed the younger woman was more welcoming in her demeanor. They had, had some fun talks when they were together or out with the guys. During those times Catherine could easily see the attraction that her daughter had to the brunette. If the blonde was honest with herself she would even notice her own attraction to the younger woman.

Then there were the other times, where the brunette reverted back to her earlier behavior such as when she arrived in Vegas. The most frustrating part of that was that the older woman didn't know what caused these setbacks. Catherine knew that at some point she would blow up if this emotional rollercoaster with the brunette kept up. One day they would be joking and Sara wouldn't mind any closeness. Then on other days the brunette would recoil if Catherine even came close.

The main problem was that the blonde hadn't figured out how to handle her feelings concerning Sara's lack of trust. Why was it so important that Sara trusted her?Catherine tried to convince herself that it was because the younger woman was the only one that Lindsey reacted positively to. The older CSI was left with this nagging feeling in the back of her mind, that didn't want to leave her alone. Catherine wasn't quite ready to face this feeling and chose instead to ignore it. At least she tried to ignore it.

Catherine was getting frustrated and she really didn't know how to constructively handle that feeling.

The blonde knew that there was more to Sara than the younger woman was willing to share. Every time the blonde told another personal story and Sara didn't reciprocated, Catherine felt like a joke. The younger CSI would change the topic or refuse to continue any conversation if the brunette's private life came up. Which was rarely, because Sara was extremely good at removing focus from herself. It had taken Catherine some time to notice this.

Lately Catherine had realized that if Sara didn't want to open up among other things, that the blonde might not be able to continue their friendship.

After 2 more months of this Catherine was getting to a point where she was avoiding Sara. The blonde would avoid their breakfast arrangements. She even turned down Sara's offers for coffee. It was tearing the blonde apart not being able to spend time with the younger woman, but Catherine didn't know what to talk to Sara about outside of work.

Helplessness was slowly creeping into Catherine and the only way the blonde knew how to handle that was usually to blow up at Sara. The brunette had always been the older woman's favorite sparring partner.

The hard part for Catherine was that she enjoyed the time she spent with Sara. Her solution to this was avoiding Sara. The only thing that seemed to accomplish was making her extremely cranky and bitchy. For the first time after Sara had arrived in Vegas, Catherine wasn't taking her bitchiness out on the brunette, but on everybody else.

The blonde was as confused as all hell. Snapping at the lab techs or the other CSIs wasn't helping. None of them were able to get her frustration out like fighting with Sara. Maybe that was the answer to the older woman's problems; she missed her sparring partner.

The blonde would have to get Sara engaged in a fight and everything would go back to normal. The older woman instinctively knew that it would cause Sara to withdraw even more again and consequently ruin their friendship.

Later at the lab

Sara was coming back from a scene weighted down by copious amounts of evidence. The brunette was hardly able to open the door. As the CSI stepped in the lobby of the building, Judy came up to her.

"Miss Sidle, you have a message. She said it was important that you get it right away."

"Thank you Judy. Can you put it in my pocket? I'm fresh out of hands."

Heading back through the lab, Sara dropped off her evidence at the relevant labs. After depositing the last item and putting the rest in the evidence lockup the brunette went to get a cup of coffee. On the way she started reading Judy's massage.

Margrethe Carpenter, DCSF. Concerning Samantha and Emily Johnson. Important that you come by or call today.

Sara was walking through the hall and into the break room without taking her eyes of the note. She suddenly walked into a soft wall and ended up on the floor.

"What do you think you are doing? You are supposed to look where you're going." Catherine hissed even before Sara could look up.

Sara just looked at her without seeing her and couldn't quite comprehend that Catherine was talking to her.

This just pissed Catherine off even more than she already was and she saw her chance of venting and drawing Sara into a much needed fight.

"Are you so dense that you don't even understand normal words?"

Sara interrupted her without thought, "I gotta go."

Sara quickly left a baffled and steaming Catherine. It took her a couple seconds before Catherine could get her head around what happened. She turned around and tried to catch up with Sara to get her to fight no matter what.

Sara was almost in her car before Catherine caught up with her. She hadn't registered that Catherine had yelled at her to stop several times.

"SARA would you stop!! Nobody turns their back on me and just walks away and you are no exception."

This finally snapped Sara out of her bubble.

"Catherine, I don't have time to talk to you now. I have to find out about Sam and Em so excuse me, but I don't have time to worry about your feelings."

As she said this she was already on her way into the car and by the time she had finished she slammed the door and drove out of the parking lot. Leaving Catherine to look at the empty space where the car had been.

The blonde was confused and surprised. Not even when they used to fight regularly did Sara turn her back on a fight. If anything the brunette stayed and fought back as if her life depended on it.

What the fuck just happened? Who is this Sam, and why has he got Sara so worried that she snapped like that.

Catherine was still confused, but also pissed, and with no real way of venting she didn't want to pick up Lindsey and end up yelling at her for no good reason. It was far better to yell at the lab techs instead. Most of them thought of her as a bitch anyway so this wouldn't change anything on that point. Yelling at the lab techs wouldn't diffuse the blonde's anger and frustrations. They were all too afraid to fight back. It had to be Sara.

Sara was on her way to DCSF to meet with Margrethe Carpenter and was desperately trying to keep her brain from conjuring up all these horrible explanations to the message she had received.

Thinking about Sam and Emily would only a year ago have been equally painful, and she would have only remembered the bad times. Now she was able to remember the great times they had.

Sara had met Sam one of those rare times she actually let her friends talk her into going to a club with them. It was not like she worked all the time like she did in Vegas. She didn't much like to spend time in a club where she could hardly hear what her friends said, and where they wanted and pressured her to met and preferably flirt with someone she never met. That was just not her style, and to be honest she still had some trust issues from when she was younger. They all knew, but it didn't keep them from badgering her into introducing herself to a girl at the bar.

That had been a total bust, but that night had ended being the best night. They hadn't ended in the best terms. Though the brunette had reached a point where she didn't regret anything, but the fact that she had a hard time keeping in contact with Emily the first 2 years after she moved to Las Vegas.

The woman, her friends wanted her to talk to turned out to be straight and she wouldn't even accept a drink from Sara, and quickly left the bar to find somebody to dance with. Sara thought she might as well stay at the bar for a little while and avoid most of the teasing remarks she knew her friends would make. They were all really great and she wouldn't want them to change. Sometimes the badgering to find someone and their teasing was hard, because she was painfully shy, when it came to anything besides science and her work.

As she was sitting there lost in thoughts she didn't notice that a woman had come up and sat on stool beside her.

"Hi, I'm Sam and you look like you could use some company to go with that heavy thinking."

At this Sara looked up and was met by smiling green eyes framed by blonde hair looking at her. She had no idea what to say, but finally got her mouth to cooperate somewhat as she stammered out her name and a greeting.

Luckily for Sara, Samantha wasn't that easy to get rid of. The blonde wasn't put off by the bizarre comments that Sara couldn't keep from making at the most inopportune moments, which clearly showed the world that she indeed was a nerd.

At some point during the night Sara got more comfortable and the geeky remarks dwindled, but every once in a while she would say something to classify her as a nerd once more. They had been talking for an hour when Sam suggested that they continued their talk somewhere where they could have coffee and pie, because she was in the mood for pie.

Sara readily agreed because she hadn't talked to someone that beautiful and this easily in a long time and didn't want the night to end. It was hard to hear what was being said, or to get your thoughts together in the bar.

"Why did you introduce yourself as Sam when you have such a beautiful name as Samantha?"

Sara grinned at her and at the amount of crème and sugar she put in her coffee. "You know if you put anymore sweeteners in, there won't be room for any actual coffee."

Sara had finally loosened up and was having a great time.

"Nobody but my parents call me Samantha and my mom only uses it when I'm in trouble."

At some point during stuffing pie into her mouth Sam talked about her daughter Emily.

At the first mention of Emily, Sara almost jumped out of her skin and she was ready to bolt from the all night diner. Before the brunette could do that Sam had continued her story about her ex boyfriend she only had, because she was too afraid to come out to her family. So when she had gotten pregnant she had for some time clung to the fantasy of being the all American family.

Somehow during a time where her hormones were running wild she had gotten the courage to not only end a bad relationship, but also to come out to her parents. To her surprise they had been nothing but supportive and they didn't want their baby girl living a lie just to please someone else.

At this point in Sam's story, Sara had calmed down considerately, but she was nowhere near as comfortable as before Sam had mentioned her daughter.

"I know you're freaked," Sara was about to protest, what she knew was a fact, mostly for appearance sake when Sam continued. "I can see it in your eyes."

"I don't expect anything of you, but I would love to have at least a friend, especially one that I can have as much fun with and talk to as we have. Just give it some thought before you dismiss it, please Sara."

At this the blonde scribbled a note and gave it to Sara before slipping out of the booth and gave the CSI a kiss on the check before she left.

Sara had kept the note until it fell apart, and she still remembered what it had said. When you get that big brain of yours around this give me a call. Sam.

It has taken Sara a week to get up the courage to call Sam, she had only needed that night to figure out she definitely wanted to.

When she finally called the first thing she said even before introducing herself was, "I'm not good with kids. I don't know what to do when they are around."

Sam had laughed at that greeting when she answered her phone before saying. "That's okay Sara; I avoided kids at all cost before I had Emily."

That had been the beginning of their friendship, which had evolved into a love that Sara had only dreamt of, but never truly believed she deserved even if Carolyn had told her time and time again.

Emily had had this amazing ability. Sara's awkwardness didn't affect her. That's what the brunette thought. Everyone that had ever seen the CSI near a child knew differently.

Sam said that Emily had seen right through Sara's armor, and seen the brunette's big heart that first day Sara had spent with the both of them. There was no turning back after that day; Sara was enamored with the beautiful little girl after only spending a day with her.

Emily had started calling Sara mama at the same time that she started saying that to Sam. The CSI had for a while kept saying Sara to get Emily to call her that and keep mama for her mom. But at no point did Emily get persuaded by that tactic. When the girl got older she corrected Sara whenever the brunette would say Sara about herself. Even when she switched to calling Sam mommy, Sara had stayed mama. The blonde child never did let anybody tell her any differently.

Sara never would forget the look on Emily's face the day that she moved out. When Sara got sent home from work early one day because she was getting sick the CSI had found Sam in bed with someone else. This discovery had broken Sara to the core and it brought up all her insecurities the brunette had fought so hard for so long to overcome.

The worst part of the ugly breakup was that Sara lost her daughter. Sam didn't take the breakup well, and she had refused to let Sara anywhere near Emily. Even when the brunette had begged and pleaded, and the little girl had cried and called for her mama.

That all changed when Sam lost her parents 2 years after Sara had gone to Las Vegas. Sam had lost the last family she had and that had given the blonde the needed courage to contact Sara again.

In the years where Sara hadn't seen Emily she had still put money into Emily's college fund. The brunette knew that Sam wouldn't refuse them as the blonde would have if the money had been sent to her directly. Sara had also sent cards regularly and presents for Em's birthday and for Christmas. She knew that Em had gotten the cards and presents, because every once in a while Sara got a note saying thank you from the girl's grandparents. The CSI knew that Sam wouldn't contact her before the blonde was ready to admit that she wanted Sara in her daughter's life. To let Sara back in was to give the brunette the power to hurt her again. Sara hadn't been the only one with trust issues in the relationship.

In the end it had been made easier by Emily talking about her mama. That had made Sam finally make the call. They had called Sara together and Emily had hardly been able to contain herself she was so excited to talk to the brunette again, and her mom had promised that she could see her mama again.

The first 5 minutes of that phone call had been excruciating. By the end of the hour long conversation, where Sara talked to both Sam and Emily, they were all a lot more comfortable and the CSI had suggested that she use some of her vacation time and visit them in San Francisco. This of course had made Emily so excited that the child had screeched so loudly into the phone that Sara had a hard time hearing anything on that ear for the rest of the day, but it was all worth it.

That first vacation had been awkward to say the least. Both Sam and Sara had been determined to give Emily that family she had been missing out on these past 2 years. After that trip Sara had actually used not all but at least a good part of her vacation time and overtime, much to Grissom's surprise. Sara had gone to San Francisco sometimes, but Emily had spent a week of her last summer vacation with Sara in Las Vegas.

They had, had the best time and had decorated Sara's guest room to Emily's liking. Greg had even helped with the painting, and the little girl had had a great time with the goofy guy.

Pulling up in front of DCSF's building Sara pushed all her memories to the back of her mind and tried to steal herself for the bad news she was expecting. Whenever something good happened to her there would always be some horrible experience to keep her from being happy. The brunette was sure of that, because Sara was still under the misconception that she didn't deserve happiness.

If you were told something enough times, at some point you would come to believe that as the truth. Especially if you were a kid at the time and it was your parents telling you. Carolyn had tried hard to counteract what Sara's parents had spent the first 13 years of the brunette's life telling her but it was a lesson that wasn't easy to unlearn.

Standing in front of DCFS and looking up at the building, Sara was desperately trying to gather her courage to walk inside.

The receptionist looked up as Sara came closer.

"How may I help you?"

"A Margrethe Carpenter called and left a message to come by and talk to her."

"Ah, you must be Ms. Sidle, just take a seat right over there and I'll call her for you."

Sara sat down and nervously looked around trying not to fidget too much. That really wasn't a battle she would win this particular time.

"Ms. Sidle, my name is Margrethe Carpenter, if you would come this way I'll explain why I left that message."

Sara was startled out of her thoughts by the soft voice of the older woman, but quickly got up and followed the other woman to her office.


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