Five Days Later
There was a loud slam of the door, a drop of a heavy backpack on the kitchen counter and the sound of a coat being slung over the back of the sofa. Then the fridge opened, a lot of rustling around, searching for something. Tony jolted awake from the door, listening from the bathroom. The fridge door slammed closed and then it opened only to be slammed closed again. A thump of the wall, a kick of the door frame, a shuffle to the seat. Tony slowly stood up, opening the door cautiously and peering into the dark corridor. He crept down into it, looking for the mystery noise producer. It was Loki, obviously. Curled into a ball on the couch, a jacket entangled in his arms. He had stubble for once, upsetting the normally smooth face.
"Loki?"
Loki sniffled, not turning his head towards Stark.
"If you don't mind, I'd like to just…" He didn't finish his sentence, only croaked out as much as he could. Tony knew what he meant, but he felt selfish. He didn't want to tell Loki, of course, but still it'd be nice to have someone there again. He sat underneath him, lying against the front of the couch. Loki punched his head gently, making Tony's head sway slightly. He sighed into the coat, it was Steve's. Tony wanted to joke but neither of them felt like it.
"What happened?" Tony moved his head back, looking up at him, eyebrows up. He closed his eyes, there was a tear under his lash. It had been three weeks, but he supposed that for Loki, since it had been a year… and there hadn't been a day they weren't together for the last three weeks. How had it taken him this long to break it up with Steve? Had Thor not made his point clear to him when he said stay away? But he had been ignoring him… he hadn't seen Loki around the house this much in ages…Tony reached for Loki's hand, squeezing it. It was so dark in here, he thought about putting the light on, but he didn't want to disturb him.
"I... um… I don't know really. I suppose… I supposed he just became bored or something…" Even though he knew what he was talking about, he had to act surprised. He squeezed his hand encouragingly, waiting patiently.
"I went round, today, we were supposed to meet up. But, he never showed up. I waited for a while, then I just, I just got annoyed and cooled off in the library for a while, but when he didn't even text… well I went round to his apartment, knocked on his door…" Loki sighed, rubbing his forehead, thankful for Tony's hand. "I knew he was in, I could hear before I knocked on the door. And when I did, he knew it was me… a-and I didn't know what to do, because he just ignored me. Eventually… though… he came out. He seemed paranoid, looking on either side of the corridor, as if someone was going to… no I don't know he was always a bit paranoid. Anyway, he just looked at me, like he was disgusted that I dare knock on his door. And he just s-said… W-who are you? Stop knocking on my door, he said. He called me a freak… I tried to understand, maybe it was a distress signal. But he grabbed my jacket, and told me to clear off, I won't repeat the profanities. He said he'd call campus security… I don't know I was so confused I just took a step back, I… I couldn't bring myself to even look at him… so I just… I just left…"
Tony had just noticed that Loki had been shivering all the time, violently. He turned around and crouched on his feet, taking in Loki's form. He was soaked from head to toe, his white shirt was grey, his jeans three times darker.
"I don't mean to be a pain but…could you turn the heat up it's a bit cold don't you think?" Loki stirred, looking up from the jacket and transferring his gaze to the wall in front of him. Tony put his hand up to Loki's head, feeling the heat radiating beneath it. He was burning up, he must have caught something. Where had he been?
"Are you sure? You're life a furnace… Take a shower. You're freezing, soaked, the hot water will help. C'mon you've got to get out of those clothes." Tony took Loki's two hands, bringing him slowly to a stance. The jacket dropped to the floor. Tony let go of his hands, picking it up. He rubbed the back of his head. Loki stared at it for a while, and without thinking he grabbed violently, ripping the arm. He smiled a little, then frowned, letting it drop to the floor again. He trampled over it, making his way to the bathroom.
Loki let the water fall, standing in the shower fully clothed, it washed over him. He took each item of clothing off individually, basking in the steam and heat. He thought over everything, the last month, Steve, being so happy, and now this. That night, last Wednesday. Over a week ago now, it had been so sudden, out of nowhere, that he had managed to blurt it out. He'd told him when he was in his arms, bare to the skin, Steve's bedroom, that he loved him. There had been a minute of silence, before Steve stirred. He rose from underneath the sheets, propping himself on one elbow, looking at Loki. He said nothing, he only smiled kindly, not moving his eyes away from Loki's. Eventually, after enough time had passed, he leant down and kissed Loki tenderly, but still… said nothing. He had no idea what to do, he just let Steve fall back under the sheets and that was it. He didn't even mention it afterwards, not even on Saturday night… when Tony had proposed he thought it might have sparked something. But when he asked he seemed angered. Loki tried to remind himself that was one little thing. He'd told many he had loved them before. But not like Steve… And the anger, the anger that coloured his face that night… And then the coldness afterwards. No calls, no texts, nothing. Every attempt he had made to re-communicate, there was an empty desert to answer him. The last month had been wonderful, bliss. He hadn't felt that way in so long, all he could feel was the constant stab of hurt in his chest, making him want to fall down and just let everything out. But this was Loki, and Loki didn't do that sort of thing, he was the strong, calm, collected one in times like this… most of the time. However this time, he couldn't care less about what was expected of him from himself. So he did fall to the floor of the shower, and grabbing his head in his hands he just let go, crying along with the shower. Why on earth he had ever allowed himself to believe that he could find happiness was beyond him, and it was his fault wasn't it? If he had of waited, it had been three weeks for goodness sake. And he had just spoke of something as big as love! He had been scared away, oh how he wanted to run over to Steve's now and explain everything. Wait, what was everything? He had meant everything, perhaps that was why his heart was burning like the melted wax that dribbled so slowly down the candle's. Steve didn't want in, he wanted as far away as possible. And he couldn't blame him, because it was his fault.
Tony ran around the kitchen, burning himself more than once. He had decided to make some cheese on toast, one of Loki's favourites. He had added some tomatoes and scallions, plating it up with a big mug of hot chocolate with marshmallows. It was the only meal Tony was able and allowed to make. It was nothing new, Tony was horrific in the kitchen. Loki came out in some sweats and a black skin tight t-shirt, smiling at Tony's food gesture. He picked up a slice, wolfing it down in a matter of seconds. He hadn't eaten all day, and he was still freezing. Tony had also left his duvet on the couch, which he did on very rare occasions. He was obsessed with cleanliness and would probably sterilise the hell out of it when Loki was done. It was much appreciated, Loki wrapped himself inside it, holding the cup steadily between toast bites.
Tony sat down beside him, feeling his forehead again. His temperature had retracted, of only just a little. He gave him a worried look, Loki didn't even bother to recognise it.
"Stop it." He spoke through crunches.
"Mmmm… I'm just worried, that's all. If it helps… I'm glad you're back…" Tony blushed, looking down at his knees which were crossed on the couch. Loki still didn't look at him, but instead put down his mug and toast. He sighed, pulling the clothes in tighter, then smiled, punching him lightly in the arm.
"It's nice… If it's all the same, I missed you too…" Loki held his hand for a second, closing his mouth and looking away again. Tony looked back up, his mouth open a little while he stared at Loki. He missed me too? Oh my dear Lord Tony you are not sixteen. He shut it again in a matter of seconds, smiling quickly and squeezing his hand. He felt so weird, so fluttery… this wasn't good.
"You've improved, however I can't say much about the broodiness. Still pretending you're alright? Pepper said… said you were worried about me."
Tony tensed up. He had tried to avoid this topic altogether. He looked at him, flashed a smile and kept his gaze.
"Sure… how could I not be? You cried along with finding nemo. Anyway, I think you should be focusing your mind on more constructive things than Steve Rodgers." Wow I am a good liar, he thought. Loki smiled, but it made Tony feel like dirt. Lying to him felt sleazy, detestable. But he wanted to protect him just as much as Thor, even if he felt he could tell him of his grim, dark even secrets, this was one he could not and would not share.
"You shaved." Tony said, in a weak effort to break the silence. He couldn't lie, Loki's steady breathing in the continuing silence was turning him on. God how bad did I get? Getting turned on by respiration… Loki turned, his head held high but his eyes looking at Tony's feet, lashes pointing down. Fuck sake I really want to kiss you… shit what am I doing.
"Yeah… I guess it helped, in a way. It was only him that liked it." Tony jumped slightly at the sound. Oops… "You know… it was my fault. Really… I should have waited… oh God." Loki put his hand in his head, 'here comes the train again, right into my heart' Tony put an arm around him. 'The lights burning straight through the blood'
"No. No no no no no, none of this is your fault, Loki. No. Okay? Look, whatever was said, whatever was done, trust me, this is not on you."
"No… it wasn't just like… like you and Pepper. Alright, Tony? I told him something… something so stupid. So rash. I can't…"
"What? Loki, c'mon. I'm not saying… well… whatever, that's behind me now. But you and him, it was his fault."
"Tony. I told him, that I…I…" Loki looked at Tony, their faces an inch apart. Their eyes bore into each-others. There was no space to move. It took few minutes for Tony to finish the sentence Loki was trembling over uttering.
"Loved him…" Tony didn't drop his gaze as he spoke, Loki was barely breathing. He let a tear fall, silently. It rolled down his face and dropped off his chin, falling on Tony's hand. This was too tense for Loki. He cleared his throat, giving Tony his cue to move back a little. He needed some space to think.
"I'm gonna… gonna go to bed. Um… night." Loki kneeled forward, on the seat, gracefully standing up and leaving the duvet on the couch. He turned, smiling at Tony.
"Uh, yeah. Sure, night." Tony smiled back, taking the duvet in his hands. Loki nodded his head, leaving the room and going to his own. Tony felt strangely alone in the room. The kitchen light was on, but he was too lazy to get up and turn it out. Instead he snuggled up on the couch, pulling the blanket over him, and slept. Things were beginning to get a little heated around here.
