CHAPTER TWELVE: A New Start
Hah, hah, sorry for the long wait. I've been...procrastinating this last chapter a little. A bit sad to see it end. But I'm also excited to work on something new! Yay! Also I was busy with my tonsil stuff (YUK!) So I guess that could be my excuse too...anyways!
Enjoy the last chapter, and I hope to see you all on here! Around! Writing! Etc...doing whatevs. Just hope to see some of you active on here!
Have fun!
Claire's POV:
We arrived at home in about twenty minutes. I opened the door to the back and Luke jumped out. He ran into the house to avoid the still pounding rain. Alex and Hayley had fallen asleep, Alex leaning on Hayley's shoulder, Hayley's head on top of Alex's. It was so cute.
I gently shook Alex's shoulder, and Hayley's leg. They both woke up, Hayley more awake than Alex.
"Come on guys, we're home." I smiled. The sisters got out of the car and jogged slowly to the house. It didn't matter, Alex and I were still soaked.
I walked inside. Phil was heating up the salmon we hadn't eaten yet, and Luke was grabbing blankets from upstairs. Hayley and Alex looked over movies.
I smiled and hugged Phil. We were back together as a family again, and strong as ever. It was glorious.
"Hey honey! Would you mind helping me clean up?" Phil asked. I nodded and we wiped up the kitchen as the salmon heated. Finally, it was done.
"KIDS! TIME TO EAT!" I yelled. Everyone walked into the kitchen and sat down. Hayley and Alex were laughing about something, and Luke and Phil were playing Mario Kart on Luke's DS. Everything was almost back to normal.
"Phil! Luke! No toys at the table, Hayley! Put your phone away!" I scolded. They all listened and soon we were quiet again.
I passed the salmon to Alex, who passed it onto Hayley without getting anything.
"Sweetie, aren't you hungry?" I asked.
"No, I'm fine!" Alex responded. I nodded slowly.
"Are you sure?" I wanted to make sure.
"Yeah, I'm cool. I'm just not very hungry." She smiled at me and continued to pass along everything that came to her. I would have to look into that later.
Soon the whole family was lying in front of the couch, watching The Avengers, again. Alex claimed it was because she didn't get to see the ending, but she fell asleep halfway through it anyways. Phil and Luke still cracked up throughout the film, and Hayley, well, she was on her phone.
I smiled as I cleaned up the dishes from our late dinner. I was about to put them away when I noticed a packet of papers on the island.
When did that get there? I asked myself. I picked it up and sat on one of the stools. I noticed the note on top;
Mom,
I'm so sorry to have to do this to you, but I couldn't bear to stay. Not now, since you know the truth. I wanted you to have this. These are all the pages from my journal of moments, and times when I would….you know. It's mainly so that you can understand, and realize why. Again, I'm sorry.
-Alex
I felt a few tears come to my eyes. This must have been before she left, I realized. I hadn't seen it in my panic, and I now ripped off the note, and looked at the journal pages. There were three, three long pages of writing. I glanced at the rest of my family, who was cuddled on the floor next to the couch. Alex still sleeping, Phil and Luke still very much intrigued by the film, and Hayley still chatting away on her phone. I smiled and turned back to the pages. It was time.
-Why? Why must she do this? Why must she keep bullying me all the time? What did I do to her? What did I do to deserve this? I still can't figure out, and it's been almost a whole year. We only have two weeks of school left, but she continues to taunt me. Why? I am afraid I will never find out. But at least so far, it hasn't been physical. I don't know how Mom would react if I came home with bruises, or a black eye. At least with verbal, it's easier to hide. Except for the scabs. They're still there, and are always there. Because after every day of torture, and every day of pain, I can't take it. I used to think I could just read a book and forget about everything, but that is untrue. I am not able to just read and everything will go away. I've kept it bottled up all year, this is the only way release the pain and sorrow. Through harm. But not harm to others, that would be unfair. Harm to myself. With every swipe, every cut, more and more pain is released, and I can finally relax and feel at peace. It is comforting, in an odd way. However, I will not be able to hide them for long. Soon, they will find out. I dread that day. Hayley keeps trying to talk to me, trying to ask me stuff. However I cannot answer, and so I do not. It would be too hard for her to understand. She cannot know. I know this is not the right thing to do. I could do so much else, but it's too hard. I just can't take it anymore. I don't want to end my life, though it's been on my mind for a while. How easy would it be, just to die? I could get it all over with, and not have to deal with anything anymore. It sounds…pleasant. I think about it every day. Every time, I question my will to live. But still. It would be unfair to my family. I couldn't bear to disappoint them to that point. So I stick to this cutting. It is what keeps me alive every day. Because if I didn't have a method of pain release, I would probably end up killing myself. But that wouldn't be great. So I do this. I just hope one day Mom will understand.
I felt myself start to sob, so I walked into the bathroom. The family didn't seem to notice, which is good. I couldn't believe Alex thought about ending her life. It's one of the worst things I could possibly imagine. My sweet, innocent Alex; constantly thinking about suicide. It was unbelievable. I wiped my eyes and started to read the next page.
- I can't believe it. She did it. She took things physical. My side and back hurt, everything hurts. I hate her, I really do. And I try not to hate many people. It's so hard. To act like everything is fine. When in reality, it's not. I hate it. Someday Mom is going to find out. I really dread that day. I can see it now, her looking down on me with disgust, and hatred. That's why today I made this awesome bag. It's full of stuff I'd need if I were to run away. Cool right? I thought so. The scabs were healing, but now….it's just too much stress. I can't help it. Hayley and Mom got close to finding out about the cutting once. Hayley had screamed more mean stuff at me and so I went into the bathroom. I was going to do it, and I did, but then Mom and Hayley got all worried and they came in. I was able to put away everything, but it was close. Then, later, as I was talking to Mom, Luke noticed some of the blood on my hand. Luckily he didn't tattle, or they would have found out. I'm so glad. I think Mom knows something's up though, even if she doesn't know what. I walked out of the bathroom after washing away the blood, and Mom looked at me funny. I don't know why. I'm just worried. Overstressed. Pressured. Anything like that really. I'm just done. Hopefully it can all end soon, I don't know how much more of this I can take.
I flipped to the next page. It was all so intense, so horrid. I couldn't bear to think of Alex going through all this, and without ever talking to any of us! It's insane! I set that page on the floor and glanced at the last one. It was the shortest, but it was probably the most interesting of them all. Mostly because of some things that happened without me knowing…
Tonight was the worst night of my life. Peg, my arch enemy actually came to our house tonight. She knows where I live. And what's worse, she knows about the cuts. I want to keep things from the family for as long as possible, but I don't think I can anymore. First, with Peg coming. Luckily mom and dad were still asleep, but I Hayley wasn't. Hayley knows, I know she does. I worry that she's going to tell mom, and what will happen. I'll probably run away. I don't want to, but I don't really have a choice. It's either that, or living with a family who's always judging me, looking at me with hate, and disgust. I don't want that to happen. I also think I figured out Peg's note. She wants revenge, that's clear, and I think this is how she's going to get it. She's going to spill my secrets to my family, and force me to leave them. Putting me alone, and unloved is what would make her leap with joy, I just know it. And as much as I want to prove her wrong, I don't have a choice. It's what I have to do, she knew that. I just hope my family will understand when it comes time for me to return. Hopefully. I don't think I could stand to have to come back to a family that still hates you. Then I would really end myself. No lie. I've even memorized the route from the bus stop to the nearest bridge. All I'd have to do is jump. And if I can't bring myself to do that, I know of many other ways that might be easier, and less painful. It would be for the better. But not now, not yet. I hope not ever, but I don't know. I guess I would just rather be dead, than to be hated by my family, and alone.
A small bead of water rolled down the page, smearing some of the words. I felt a harsh sob escape from my chest and I pulled the papers close to me. My sweet daughter, my sweet child. If only I had known sooner, then I could've done something. To think that she thought all of those things just breaks my heart. I started to sob even more, but then I remembered.
I remembered the time when her and Luke collected bottles to build a school, or the time she tried to get a guy to kiss her. I remembered the time her and her siblings caught Phil and I….doing stuff, and how they had smiled and nodded as we explained. I remembered the time when Alex had brought home her first boyfriend, and we all thought he was gay. I remember as she stood and gave a speech at graduation, and how she was always such an overachiever, playing lacrosse and the cello.
I smiled warmly at those great memories, and gently curled up the papers. Tossing them into the trash, and burying them with my dirty tissues, I stood up and opened the door. All of that was done, all of that was over, and I was ready to accept it. I walked out of the bathroom, and towards the couch. Alex was sleeping on the floor next to Hayley and Luke. Phil was engrossed in the television as always. I bent down and gently stroked Alex's hair. She stirred, and slowly opened her eyes.
"Hey." She smiled weakly, her eyes glassy.
"Hey honey. Want to go upstairs?" I asked softly. She nodded and grabbed my outstretched hand. I led her upstairs and started to go into her bedroom.
"No," She stopped and looked up at me, her eyes pleading. "Can I sleep with you tonight? Hayley's not coming up, and Dad is sleeping on the couch with Luke so I-"
"Yes. Yes you can." I smiled, tears welling up in my eyes once again. Except these were different. They were tears of joy.
I flipped on the lights and watched as Alex slowly climbed into the bed. As I got dressed into my pajamas, I hopped in next to her. She rolled over and looked at me. Her cheeks were flustered.
"Are you feeling okay sweetie?" I asked. I placed a hand on her forehead.
"Honey! You're burning up!" I explained, shocked. She closed her eyes weakly.
"Uh huh…" She trailed off. I rolled my eyes at her.
"Probably just tired….." She groaned. I smiled and pulled her closer to me, until I could feel her breath on my neck.
"Probably, you've had a tough day today." I whispered in her ear. She looked up at me, and grinned.
"Yeah, I guess I did." She sighed. "I'm sorry."
"It's okay honey. I understand." I replied, as I started to gently ruffle her hair.
"I love you, no matter what." I said truthfully, looking into her half-open eyes. She buried her head in my neck.
"I love you too Mom." She answered after a while. "I promise I won't ever leave again…." She trailed off, and in a few moments she was sound asleep.
"Oh, you will leave again someday…" I said to myself. "But that time, it will be totally different." I smiled. Resting my chin on top of my daughter's warm head, I closed my eyes. Within moments I was asleep. Ready to start a new day, of a new week, of a new life.
Here I am - this is me
I come into this world so wild and free
Here I am - so young and strong
Right here in the place where I belong
It's a new world - it's a new start
It's alive with the beating of a young heart
It's a new day - in a new land
And it's waiting for me
Here I am
Thought this song by Bryan Adams described this last moment wonderfully! It's from the movie Spirit; Stallion of the Cimarron. I DO NOT OWN IT! Though I wishes I did...;D
OMG! IT'S FINALLY DONE! AAAHHHHHH! I seriously can't believe it. I am so amazed I actually got it done. Wow. But seriously, thank you to anyone who's helped me through support, critique, and just for reading! I really appreciate it! If it weren't for you guys, I'd probably still be stuck on Chapter Two. No joke. I have a hard time finishing things.
But yes! Sweet victory I'm done! Now to start another one...yay...no. I'm pretty excited to do another fanfic, probably again for Modern Family, but I don't know who about. Another Alex? That's what my fandom obsessed brain keeps nagging me about, but I don't know. It will probably end up being another Alex thing. Most likely. Well, you guys have that to look forward to!
Any suggestions, or any ideas for other shows or books, let me know! (I'll make sure I've read/watched it first!)
Or if you just want a friend, fangirl, or editor, let me know about that too! PM me with anything! And I will do my best to answer back! Yay!
But thanks for everyone who's helped me through this! I definitely wouldn't be here without you! Thanks!
Keep on writing!
-Renya
