Thank you to the few reviewers who read the last chapter. I hope to get a little more reviews than last time and lots of feedback would be very encouraging. Please pardon my late posting but enjoy!
Chapter 12: Acceptance
Raquél
This is bad—this is so bad! Oh my God, she knows! She knows! rambled my thoughts as my mother and I approached Troy's car.
Despite my efforts to keep evidence of my sexual encounter a well-hidden secret, it was inevitable that she would find out about my stolen innocence. If evidence of my attempted suicide was not enough to arouse her suspicions, my sudden request to use tampons the other night certainly tipped her off. After nearly two weeks of fear and uncertainty, I was glad to have my period.
What was I going to do? What explanation could I possibly conjure up to reduce the definite life sentence that I had yet to serve under her roof? In the back of my mind I was convinced that I was going to receive a punishment worse than a grounding. I felt like a criminal for committing the ultimate crime of her trust.
A crippling chill forced my paces quicker once I felt her fingers curl around the base of my neck from behind; its vice-like reminding me of a pair of cuffs in which I could not escape.
Then in a low, dangerous voice she ordered, "In the car… now."
Intimidation shrunk me into the backseat of the SUV, where my brother and sister sat asleep in their car seats. Her lips instinctively curved into a grin once she came face-to-face with Troy. Their lips met in a chaste peck before he cast a glance over his shoulder.
"Hey there, Raquél. How was school?"
Since I still had not gotten used to the foreign idea of my mother's boyfriend, answering to him continued to make me feel awkward.
"I-I'm okay," I replied meekly.
In response he only chuckled, gave me a pat on the hand and turned back to my mother. Besides knowing nothing about this man who seemingly cared about me and my siblings, at least I could rely on the fact that someone bothered to show compassion. At the moment, my mother had no compassion for me.
~RMCR~
Whenever my mother wanted to speak to me and only me about a serious matter, she would send my sisters to stay at my Aunt's house for the night. There was no question that I would spend the rest of my evening listening to her screaming at me from the couch. By that time, Troy had sped out of sight from the parking lot, my green irises burned with fearful tears. But instead of sympathizing with me, she huffed at my anxiety as I miserably plodded behind her.
"I can't believe you… And after all I've done," she muttered, while hastily twisting her keys into the bolt of the door.
As if I had not already felt worse than before, my mother pinched the sleeve of my jacket between her fingers and forcefully guided me over the threshold. I kept my distance, brushing away my tears behind her back. Before she could turn to me with a menacing glance, I rushed into the family room and took my place on the couch. She began her statement by throwing up both arms in incredulity.
"What can I say? All I know is that I overheard Maya talking about you having sex with some boy at school. Now, I am not fully sure if it was true or not, but it's starting to look like they knew what they were talking about. Would you care to explain?"
My chest grew heavy beneath the pressure of her stony gaze; and instead of defending my actions, I broke into heaving sobs.
"I'm so sorry, Mami! Please don't be upset with me; I get scared when you're angry! I-I didn't mean to…"
She raised her palm outwards as if to stop an oncoming tirade in its tracks.
"Okay, before I end up overreacting, just tell me how this all started and I'll… try not to get angry," she calmly proposed.
Supporting up my chin on the heel of my palm, I nervously contemplated how I would explain the deception that led me to blind romance then heartbreak. Hopefully, she would then understand why I tried to commit suicide.
"Well… do you remember that morning a few weeks ago, when I decided to wear those new clothes? Um, once I got to school, this guy named Carlos started to talk to me. He usually hangs out with Maya, so I was skeptical when he told me that I was beautiful. Anyway instead of backing up Maya when she started to tease me, he stood up for me and he said that he liked me. So we started going out for a couple of days, but that turned into two weeks then three weeks. Even though I wasn't really sure if this was going to get serious, I almost started to trust him."
As my explanation began to grow much clearer to my mother, she took a seat beside me and grasped my hand to lend support.
"So, what happened?"
"On Wednesday of the third week, we were just walking to our lockers and talking because he didn't have basketball practice that afternoon. But then he started to lead me towards the gym. Since it was after school and no one was around, of course I was scared. H-he just started kissing me and telling me that I was the only girl for him. He wanted to have sex and I wasn't ready for it—"
"Wait a minute... did he force you?" she questioned. "Because if he did—"
"No, no… he never forced me into anything. I came to a decision myself. It's just that being with Carlos made me feel like someone cared about me. It was kind of like a 'now or never' type of thing; I thought that if I didn't lose my virginity then that, I'd never have the chance to experience it… s-so we ended up having sex behind the bleachers. I didn't think that there was anything wrong with that, but as soon as it was over with I immediately felt guilty. Mostly because I lied to you about being at the library," I confessed, bracing myself for another surge of tears.
The resurfacing pain from that moment triggered a second bout of excruciating sobs from my chest. My mother compassionately guided my head into the crook of her neck, pressing gentle kisses to my forehead.
"And the worst part is, it didn't take that much longer to realize that he'd taken advantage of me," I whimpered, hiding my face between my palms in shame. "I was so stupid to think that he actually cared about me. Why would he care anyway? Carlos and Maya make my life a living hell, basically! And just when I thought it couldn't get any worse… on Friday he finally told me that it was all part of a bet to get $300 if he could convince me to have sex with him."
"No, no, you're not stupid at all. That bastard played with your emotions when he knew that you already had enough to deal with as it is… It's not your fault, baby," she encouraged silently.
"Y-yeah, I know. But then he decided to kick me while I was down and tell me that I was a good lay and sex was all I was ever good for. When that wasn't enough, Maya told me to drop dead. They were so cruel. So that was it for me… if no one liked me anyway, then it was probably best not to bother them. That was why I tried to kill myself."
By the end of my emotional confession, my mother had been reduced to tears.
"Oh, baby…" she breathed in astonishment. "I-I had no idea. Why didn't you tell me as soon as it happened?"
"Because you have enough weight on your shoulders as it is. I didn't want to be another burden; I didn't want you to think that my suicide attempt was something to make you feel guilty. I just overreacted, I guess," I concluded, blinking back the fresh stream of tears before they could fall.
My mother lifted my chin in encouragement, directing my gaze into hers.
"No. You're never a burden to me, Raquél; you didn't overreact. What they did to you was undignified and heartless… I mean, how someone could tell you to drop dead—that's terrible!"
"But the things they said were the things that hurt me the most. As if I wasn't already aware that I was unattractive, Carlos just… he killed any ounce of dignity I had left. I-I can't even look at myself in the mirror anymore," I sighed aloud.
"Unattractive? Raquél, you're far from anything those kids tell you. You're beautiful; very beautiful! And you shouldn't let those comments get to you, especially if you know that they're not true… Your sisters—they look up to you as a role model. They tell me that they want to be brave and smart like you. There is absolutely nothing unattractive about you. You should have faith in yourself."
Casting a downward grimace at my feet, I apprehensively shrugged my shoulders as she caressed my face in her hands.
"How can they think that I'm a role model? I'm not confident, I don't have any friends, and I nearly ended up pregnant. I'm not, by the way; which was why I asked you for tampons the other day," I added quickly, hoping to ease the paling color in her cheeks.
My mother wrapped her arms around me, and rubbed my back in slow circles.
"Thank God. I could never imagine how broken you might've been to find out that you were carrying the child of a bully… Tell you what: let's go to the bathroom. I have an idea."
Before knowing what my mother had planned to do, I obediently followed her into the bathroom. I was caught off guard when she spun me around to face the full-length mirror. I almost did not want to look at the reflection glancing back at me; but as I slowly locked my gaze I realized that there was nothing to be afraid of.
"Okay, disregard that I spent my afternoon watching the Tyra Show, but I remember her giving a guest a challenge that I think might work, only if you're willing to try it," my mother proposed over my shoulder.
"What is it?"
"Well, since you feel that you're not entirely comfortable in your own skin, I want you to look in the mirror every day, whether it's in the morning or the evening, and find one feature about yourself that you think is beautiful. It can be anything from your lips to your legs; not only the physical aspects but personality wise. With each day, you add a different feature every day until you've covered all the things you love about yourself. Just as long as you learn to love yourself and you can proudly say, 'I'm beautiful.'"
"Um, o-okay," I stammered unsure what to fathom of this new and daunting challenge.
She gently guided my face closer to the mirror, resting both hands on my shoulders.
"Why don't we start today? Look at yourself… What do you see that you like about yourself?" she questioned.
Focusing my eyes toward the reflection in the mirror, I scanned every inch of my features with a cringe of uncertainty. Finding nothing attractive about my short, muscular legs, wide hips and unusually small waist, I searched my face instead.
"I… I like my eyes," I murmured.
The corners of my mouth curved into a slight grin as my mother tucked a stray curl behind my ear.
"Why?"
"Because—I don't know… They're different, and not much people have green eyes; especially emerald-colored," I replied.
"You do have beautiful eyes, sweetie. And do you know what else I think is beautiful about you? Your smile and your personality just lights the room up when you laugh… you have that adorable squeak just like me. I'd love to see you smile more. Also, you have amazing curls that reach all the way down your back. You not only have beautiful aspects on the outside, but on the inside, too," she pointed out.
What? Besides being a total nerd? I nearly scowled.
"I'm so proud to know that you've inherited my thirst for knowledge and made so many special achievements out of it. And you have a big heart for such a petite girl… putting yourself before others when only you deserve to be put first. Now, that wasn't so hard, was it?"
"No, not really," I said as I bit my bottom lip, fighting off hints of optimism. I hated to think that she was right.
"I would like you to repeat this method tomorrow like I instructed you, okay? Just be aware that until you get through this challenge, you won't feel the changes within yourself unless you admit to yourself that you are confident and beautiful. Not in your head, but aloud. And when you're ready, hold your head up high and say, 'I'm beautiful,'" my mother reminded me.
As I stole another glance at the mirror, I was nearly overcome with desperation. In my eyes, it was becoming a difficult challenge once I saw that I did not have much to work with.
Perhaps a long, reflective sleep would be enough to convince me otherwise, if not for the pang of anxiety I felt about putting my grievances to rest. Learning to love myself was going to be a lengthy journey, but at least I had my mother to join me for the ride.
~RMCR~
Sanchez
Yet another week had drifted by and still, nothing significant had happened between Raquél and I. If anything, I'd only made things even more awkward by convincing her to dance against her wishes. I had come so close to finding the Raquél that I desperately wanted to know. Any closer and I would have kissed her.
Even the few days following the afternoon we danced, my palms continued to tingle at the memory of the smooth curvatures of her waist; its shape putting a permanent dent into my mind. I could never forget the beautiful sway of her hips as we stepped in unison to the music. A bundle of curls gently whipped against my body whenever I spun her around, which would release that knee-buckling Lavender scent. When our eyes would connect, I watched in awe as the infinitesimal flecks of gold melted against mesmerizing canvases of Emerald.
The girl was nothing short of a goddess. I had to have her!
There just had to be a way that I could break down the wall she kept up around me. Finding my way to the very core of her soul was the goal I had set for myself, even if that meant reducing her to tears. At our next tutoring session, I intended to do exactly that.
~RMCR~
Raquél
At lunchtime I sat at my usual table of seclusion, silently contemplating the challenge my mother had set before me last night. Before heading to school that morning, I bravely confronted my reflection in the mirror and added a second feature that I liked about myself.
I had never noticed how much longer my hair became when I used a flat iron to straighten my curls. Out of all the girls whom I attended school with, my hair was the longest.
Having never worn my curls straightened, I decided to take the challenge to the next level by putting my fears aside and brave the certain stares I would receive at school. Instead of wearing my hair in its usual messy bun, I let it cascade down my back. Just as I had predicted, my new appearance seemed to stop the very fabric of time as I shuffled through the crowded hallways. To my surprise I had also received many positive compliments, along with a bone-crushing hug courtesy of Eva.
Although she first came across to me as slightly obsessive, meeting someone who actually wanted to become friends with me was starting to sound better than ever.
Once she spotted me across the basketball court in gym class, nearby students reeled back as she let out a piercing scream. Her arms extended open, Eva approached me full throttle and nearly knocked me to the floor.
"Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God! Your hair—it's gorgeous!" she exclaimed, then questioned me about my absences at lunchtime the week before.
I didn't want to tell her that I had spent the last few days hiding out in the guidance counselor's office. But after the run-in I had with Eva, I realized that I could learn to accept her.
That day, I had no worries about being alone. Not a moment after I made a cautious path towards the table in a corner, Felicia began her approach, followed by a giddy Eva.
"Hi, Raquél!" they both greeted me for what seemed like the millionth time, but my day was starting to get better.
"Hey."
Meanwhile, I stole a glance at towards the adjacent Superior table, where I found Maya cocking an eyebrow in amusement. I slowly sunk into my chair as my insecurities resurfaced. As much as I wanted to relish in their company, gaining unwanted attention quickly had me trying to convince them otherwise.
"You know, y-you girls don't have to sit with me if you don't really want to…"
"But we do want to sit with you, Raquél. You're pretty cool," Eva insisted while taking a seat on the opposite side of the table.
Unsure whether the statement was meant to be directed towards me, I glanced at the wall over my shoulder and turned back to her.
"Were you talking to me?" I questioned in disbelief.
"Of course. Who else could I be talking to?" she giggled.
If being the geeky, bully victim was their definition of cool, I couldn't imagine how they felt about an actual Somebody.
"You think I'm cool?"
"Totally. I mean, I've never really gotten to know you before Eva moved here but now that I have, I'm glad that she introduced me to you," Felicia said, the corners of her mouth rising to a warm smile.
"Oh… okay."
Uncomfortably, I raked my fingers through my hair when curiosity of Sanchez's absence got the better of me. When I asked the girls about him, they exchanged repressed gazes as if trying to fight off grins.
"No, he wasn't here this morning. He had a physical at the doctor's, but… Ohh—it looks like he's on his way right now," Felicia replied before pointing past my shoulder.
Hoping to avoid blushing in the presence of my newfound crush, I kept my eyes focused on the novel beside my lunch. The girls rose from their chairs to exchange hugs with Sanchez, while I attempted to remain as obscure as possible.
Butterflies tickled the inside of my stomach once the atmosphere around me vibrated with anticipation. I sensed his eyes burning through the back of my head, which had my heart skipping a few lifesaving beats.
"Who's this?" he questioned, unable to identify me from behind.
Eva circled the table to return to her seat with a short, incredulous laugh.
"I can't believe that you wouldn't know of all people! You seriously don't know who this is?"
As he sat beside me to get a closer look, I shyly tucked a strand of hair behind my ear, revealing myself to him.
"Raquél!" he exclaimed softly, followed by an anxious stammer. "Wow! I-I didn't recognize you… Y-you look great."
He was nervous! It had to mean something more.
Fighting off the urge to smile, I bit the corner of my bottom lip and said, "Um, thank you."
In a daring exchange, I cast another gaze towards Maya, who now appeared as if she wanted to kill me for talking to one of her former Superior drones. Fear coursed through my veins at the thought of the possible consequences I would have to suffer for my "forbidden" contact with Sanchez.
"So, how have you been since you left gym the other day?"
"O-okay, I guess," I also stammered, then took a bite of food to cover up the rising heat in my cheeks.
"Why did you have to leave so early?" Felicia asked while poking at her food.
"I had to go home for… something."
Since I had not become fully acquainted with Sanchez and his cousins, there was no way that I would bring up the reason for my dismissal.
"Who was that girl that came to pick you up?"
"Yeah, you look just like her. Was she your sister?" Eva chimed in curiously.
I glanced around the table in hesitance, wondering if I should tell the truth about my young mother. I feared that they would criticize me, but the collective glimmers of acceptance I found in their eyes gave me the confidence I desperately needed.
"No, she wasn't my sister. That girl was… my mom," I mumbled at the tabletop.
To my utter dread, the group around me erupted in gasps. I wanted to shut my eyes and disappear as I predicted the next prying question to come my way.
"Your mom? Well, she looks so young! How old is she?" one of the girls asked.
"She just made 29. She had me when she was my age—but I-I'm not really comfortable talking about it."
Immediate regret at my confession washed over Sanchez's charming features, and he reached over the table to touch my hand.
"Hey, it's okay… You don't have to talk about it. We understand," he reassured gently.
His brown eyes seemed to melt as a grin instinctively crept onto my lips. Suddenly, the blurred cluster of tables over his left shoulder disappeared from the corner of my vision. The only person I had in my sights was Sanchez. The alluring sparkle in his eyes struck me as an incredible marvel that I had never experienced; which quickly brought me to the realization that he did indeed have feelings for me. Goosebumps swelled like a wave down my back as the crooked smile rose onto his features.
All the confounding feelings I'd been experiencing soon began to make sense… the sparks I felt when we touched; the wild butterflies that fluttered in my stomach; the skipping beats that always threatened to stop my heart. I had begun to fall hard for Sanchez, and this time I was positive that he would catch me.
Seconds continued to tick by like hours as my palm remained tucked beneath his. Then, reality struck with a vengeance. In the blink of an eye I was back in the cafeteria, where our trances had caught the attentions of students around us. I did not dare steal a glance at the unquestionably seething Superior table.
Mortified, I hastily slipped my hand away and placed it in my lap while Sanchez dropped his gaze to the floor, nervously rubbing the back of my neck. Not knowing what to say, awkward silence thickened the air between us. Before I thought that my death would be determined by this irreversible moment of embarrassment, Felicia came to my rescue with a sudden invitation.
"Anyway, Raquél. I know that we don't know much about each other yet but… I'm having a pool party at my house on Saturday. It might be a good chance for us to, you know, hang out and get to know each other better."
In the middle of December? I thought.
"A pool party? Don't you think it'll be cold outside?"
Of course, the possibility of freezing to death at a poolside gathering was not my real concern. The fear of having to wear a swimsuit in front of the people I attended school with was an experience that I was not looking forward to.
Eva let out a childish giggle as she casually waved her hand backwards.
"No, silly! You're so funny. Licia has an indoor pool; and it's heated too," she said.
"Would you like to come? It'll be fun."
I glanced between Eva and Felicia indecisively. The pressure to join them was not a negative pressure, but a pressure of listening to my heart instead of my head. The last time I "listened" to my heart, I ended up getting it broken. Clearly, it was just my head convincing me otherwise. Then again, the thought of being clad in a bikini in Sanchez's presence made my cheeks burn.
"W-well, I don't know… I'm not really used to going to big parties," I stammered, wanting to hit myself in the forehead for sounding so tense.
"Oh, no—don't worry. It's just going to be the three of us… Please come," Eva added quickly, her lips puckering into a beseeching pout.
This was my one chance to make real friends with people who wanted to accept me despite my social status. And if I wanted to get closer to Sanchez, I had to grasp the opportunity while it was being presented to me. Aside from my crippling terror of getting hurt when taking risks, the feelings in my heart were stronger than ever.
"Okay; I guess I can come. I'll just have to ask my mom."
"Awesome! We can exchange cell numbers later and I'll give you the details," Felicia said, while a squealing Eva eagerly jumped up and down in her seat.
Just then, our heads whipped around to the clock as the warning bell began to sound. We rose from our seats to discard the remnants of our devoured meals, when Eva skipped to my side and pulled me into another constricting embrace. I was confident that I would somehow grow used to her energetic positivity, because I felt that she could truly relate to me. For someone who was a former victim of bullying, she seemed like the happiest girl in the world. I had to learn her secret.
"Ahh! This is going to be so much fun—I can't even tell you how freaking excited I am! You know what? Me, you and Felicia should definitely go to the mall and pick out bikinis together. Wouldn't that be awesome? You think that that's awesome, right? 'Cause I think it would be so awesome—!"
"Come on, Speedy Gonzalez, it's time to take your chill pill…" Felicia laughed before guiding Eva away in the midst of her ramble. "See you later, Raquél! Bye, Quique."
As they disappeared into the crowd Eva's head popped up above the students, and she extended her arm with a wave.
"Bye, Raquél!" her cheerful voice faded.
Sanchez and I were left standing alone, silently contemplating the moment we shared minutes ago.
"Well… I have to get to class now. I don't want to be late," I declared quietly, reaching down to gather my book bag.
Before I could attempt to make a quick getaway, his calloused palm gently wound around my upper arm; and he carefully pulled me back. I flinched not because of the sudden contact, but because the sheer delicacy of his grasp commenced the sparks once more.
"Hey. Is it okay if I walk you to class?"
Once again, it was difficult for me to refuse his generous offer as his eyes melted into mine, my knees threatening to buckle.
"Okay, I guess."
No longer worried about getting to class on time, we gradually strolled through the corridors caught up in a friendly conversation; until the crowds had reduced to a few lingering students roaming the halls. The discomfort of receiving criticizing stares had soon subsided once I had arrived at my destination. Not surprisingly, I was reluctant to leave his side. The disappointment of being unable to be with him didn't end there. For the rest of the week we would not have the chance to meet because of his strict football schedule.
Sanchez folded his bulky arms together and leaned against a row of lockers, casting a cheeky, deep-dimpled grin down at me.
Why did I never notice how cute he was before? my thoughts pondered.
"So, I guess we'll see each other again on Saturday?" he repeated, his voice rising with hope.
"Yeah, I… can't wait."
Sanchez began to walk away, leaving me to watch him outside the classroom.
"Bye," I whispered to myself once he spun back around to send me a parting wave.
Saturday. On that day, I knew I would have to let go of my troubling inhibitions and let him see me… the real me.
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