A/N: I'm back! And better than ever! Not… Well, I didn't get it done before school got out… BUT! (There's always a but!) It was out of my control! 'La computadora de mi madre' (I love Spanish!) broke… I KNOW! It was absolute torture… not being able to read, wait! I mean WRITE fanfiction… Well, she had to send it in to get fixed, and then, THEY FORGOT TO PUT INTERNET BACK ON IT! So I couldn't put the chapter online… but it's all better now, so I hope to update A LOT more often…

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Disclaimer: Do I look awesome? Oh, wait… you can't see me… I'll save you the horror… I'm not awesome, nor do I look it… Therefore, I AM NOT J.K. ROWLING! Love you!

Chapter 12: Realizations


Dearest and most pleasurable diary…

First of all, I want to get this out there. I DO NOT TALK TO MYSELF! A First Year Hufflepuff just came up to me and asked me if I talk to myself. Stupid little eleven year old.

Wait, is writing in a diary considered talking to myself? Now that little hufflepuff has gotten me thinking I'm insane! I'm going to give her a detention next time I see her. Ugh.

After those first few extremely hectic days, the rest of September flew by like hell was chasing after it. Not a lot happened over the course of the month.

The first thing was that I proceeded to ignore James, the seducer, Potter unless I was required to talk to him, Head Duties and such. We continued our work on the talent show. We had a few requirements:

1.) Only 1 team per dormitory

2.) Only students Year 5 and up can participate (we changed it, as it would take way too long for that many kids.)

3.) Only vocal acts

4.) You must have at least 1 song with all the members, and at least 1 solo song (aka, a minimum of 2 songs.)

5.) A limit to 3 songs per group

6.) All songs must be approved by either the Head Boy or Girl

7.) No vulgar or inappropriate moves or songs

As I said, very few. NOT! He insists on having all these rules! I hate it!

The second; Alice, sweet dear Alice, confessed her dying love of Frank Longbottom (who dorms with the Marauders) to me, that dreadful Sunday September 4th.

~Flashback~

"Frank!" I called. "Hey! Frank, wait up!" He turned and smiled at me.

"Oh, hey Lily. How are you doing?"

"Good. Yourself?"

"Okay."

"So," I asked him, "Are you crushing on anyone?"

He blushed "Why do you ask? Because, Lily, I think of you as a sister."

"It's not about me, you dimwit. Please, will you tell me who you like? I promise I won't tell anyone!"

"Why do you want to know?"

"Because one of my friends kinda likes you… so…"

"Is it, maybe, possibly, Alice?"

"I have no idea what you're talking about." I said sweetly.

"Really?"

"Sure, why not?"

~End of Flashback~

Needless to say, they are dating now.

The last thing that happened was; Sara got on the Gryffindor Quidditch team! HELL YEAH! We're all so proud of her. Although, I kinda feel sorry for her. She has to deal with Black harassing her 3 times a week. But, she deserves it, for being so athletic.

Oh, and I almost forgot. Rudolf? Remember him? Yeah. He got expelled. That was the single best day of my life… Yep. The good little Lily Evans is taking pleasure in another student being suspended.

I know. The world is going to end. Oh well. At least then I don't have to deal with ignoring James in hope that my feelings for him will go away. I honestly hope they will, because then I wouldn't have to worry about my feelings getting out. Then the gossip chain that is Hogwarts (Because, really that is what it really is, no one really cares about the magic. They only care about the gossip.) And then I'll be soooo embarrassed and be forced to go into exile. Yep. That is what would happen.

Maybe.

Well, I have to go.


I had been slowly walking to History of Magic in the first week of October when I heard someone walk up behind me. Which was weird, because I use a long way that is very out of the way. I've never seen anyone else use it.

"Hey Evans, can I talk to you?"

"What do you want, Black?"

"I have a first name you know."

"What do you want, Sirius?"

"What the hell is your problem?"

"Excuse me?"

"You lead Prongs on, and then you suddenly ignore him, Evans. You're a bitch, and an idiot."

"I'm an idiot?" I walked up to him. "You're the one who refuses to accept your feelings for Sara. Oh, and by the way, I have a first name too!"

"Have you looked at yourself in the mirror lately, Lily?" We were inches away from each other now. I could feel his breath on my nose, he was taller than me. I stepped back, needing some space.

"Sirius, the reason I'm not talking to James," I heard him snort at my use of his best friend's first name. I ignored him. "The reason I'm not talking to James is because — because I have accepted my feelings."

He just stared at me in shock. I turned and walked away. "Oh, and Sirius? If a single word of this gets out, I will let the whole school know about your little crush on Sara." I said without turning around.

He was still standing in the same spot when I turned a corner.


That little 'discussion' with Sirius Black was like a slap in the face. I mean, how would you react if the best friend of the guy you like came and started yelling at you? All those romance books where they talk about having those 'rude-awakening,' I guess this is mine.

I was sitting in the library doing my Transfiguration homework about a week after the 'incident' with Sirius, as I'd so named it. Someone came in and sat down in the seat right next to mine, interrupting my internal monolog.

"Hey Evans." I looked over and saw James staring at me.

"I, uhm, I gotta go—" I started to stand up.

"Oh, no you don't." He grabbed my wrist and pulled me back down. "You're going to sit here, and tell me, why the hell you've been ignoring me for the past month." He looked at me expectantly. I looked behind him and saw Madam Pince glaring at us.

"The librarian is glaring at us. Can we just go back to the Dorm to talk?"

"Why? Is it that bad?"

"Yes." I stated simply. I got up and walked out of the Library. I did not want a public audience when I told him. I mean, I could barely tell Alice or Sirius when I was alone with either of them. How the hell am I gonna tell the guy I like that, well, I like him, in a room full of people? This is going to be a lot harder than I had previously hoped.

After walking through the doors to the library, I made an impromptu decision; I walked into an abandoned classroom across the hallway. I needed to think, before I went and did something completely stupid, and utterly embarrassed myself.

UGH! Why did I have to fall for HIM? He's James fucking Potter for crying out loud!

"Shit," I heard someone out in the hallway mutter. Casting a one-way glass spell on the door, I saw James franticly looking around, "Damnit! I lost her." It took all my willpower no to snigger at this. You'll always lose me you arrogant toe-rag! Hmmm, now I'm slipping into old territory with him. I don't know which one I liked better…

"James? Is that you?" I heard a prissy voice call from down the hall. James' face brightened slightly at the sound. Who the hell could that be?

"Oh, Rose." I could tell that he was still upset. He deserved it. I think. "How've you been? I haven't seen you in what? Two hours?"

Rose Harper came into view. With her platinum blonde hair, and green/gold eyes, she was very… popular with the guys at Hogwarts. She was otherwise known as; The School Slut, and The Queen Gossip. She made me, with my unruly mass of Red hair, freckles and green eyes look hideous. She made most of the girls in the school feel hideous. The only one in the school considered more beautiful than Rose is Sara. Sara, with her light green eyes and perfect complexion, has a natural beauty that Rose will never have.

"Three. I've missed you." The slut, I love that nickname for her, it's so fitting, reached up and pulled James down to kiss him. I gagged silently as the couple was lip-locked for quite a few minutes. I was just waiting, hoping really, for someone to walk out of the library and see the two right there, and spread a rumor about it. It would just make my day. Maybe.

Seeing them like that gave me an unfamiliar feeling in the bottom of my stomach. It was like something inside me was getting ripped apart. I think I'm jealous. Not only of the fact that it's her out there kissing James, but because of what they have together. The fact that no matter what happens to you during school, you'll always have someone willing to snog you senseless, is well, appealing.

"James," Rose breathed as the two broke apart. "Who did you lose? I mean, right before I walked up."

"I was looking for Lily, we needed to have a Head Meeting."

"Liar," I whispered, before I realized what I was doing. Quickly, I clamped a hand over my mouth. Luckily, it seemed like neither of them heard me.

"So, you were looking for her? To have a Head Meeting? And you were cussing because you couldn't find her?" Maybe I like this girl after all. She's putting James right on the spot.

"We have a deadline coming up in the next few days. We really have to figure some things out." LIAR! Our next deadline isn't for another two weeks!

"Okay, I believe you. It just makes me mad that you have to spend so much time with that whore." When was the last time you looked in the mirror, Bitch? With the amount of make-up you have on, I wouldn't be surprised if you haven't taken any off in the past three years.

"Don't call her that. It's not like either one of us enjoys each other's company." Then why the hell did you ask me why I was mad at you? You're giving me mixed signals here, James Potter! "I only tolerate her presence because I have to. I'd get my badge taken away otherwise."

"And would that be such a bad thing? I mean, really, who cares that you're Head Boy? Everyone listens to you just as much now, as they did last year when you were just Quidditch Captain." Yeah, listen to your little girlfriend! I don't want to have to talk to you at all! And would you two just go away? I'm trying to leave so I can get some work done!

"Rose, this means a lot to me. I feel like I'm actually making a difference. All those years I spent making fun and teasing other kids, I felt like I needed to prove something. I needed to prove that I wasn't just like my dad. Now, I feel like to prove that I'm not like him; I have to be better than him. In everything that I do. Everything. Quidditch, music, classes, standing, social status. Everything. I hope you realize that." He sighed deeply, grabbed her hand and dragged her away.

Did I just hear what I thought I just heard?


"Lily! Come on! We're going to be late to dinner!" I was currently sitting in my Heads Dorm later that day, writing an essay for Potions. Well, I was trying to write any essay for Potions. Alice, Kali, and Sara were buzzing around the room. Well, Kali was reading one of the many Wizard history books stacked on the shelves around the room and Alice and Sara were buzzing around.

It was Sara who had interrupted my writing this time. I looked up to see Kali with her eyebrows elevated, Alice looking positively bored, and Sara glaring at me. Sighing dramatically, I very slowly picked up my stuff, taking extra care to dry off my essay so that it didn't smear. I closed my ink bottle in 3 times the amount of time it normally takes and I did the whole thing whistling softly. I knew it was complete agony for Sara to be late for dinner. Especially since she had an extremely small lunch due to a stomach ache.

"Now you're just being mean Lils. Stop taking so long." She narrowed her eyes at me.

"I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about, Sar!" I laughed. I was toying with her now.

Thinking back on previous events of the day, I lost all energy to play with Sara. "Lil? Are you okay?" She sat down next to me on the couch. I looked up at her through the tears that unwillingly brought themselves into my eyes. Slowly, I shook my head, no. She put her arm around me a rested my head on her shoulder. "What's going on?" She asked me as she pressed a kiss into my hair.

"Is this about James?" Alice asked, dear sweet Alice. Is this about James? Or is this about everything that I heard today?

"I—I don't know." I whispered, barely audible, even to me. I was amazed that all three of them heard me.

"I'm lost, how did James come into this?" Sara asked me and Alice at the same time.

I looked at her, and I mean really looked at her, deep in her eyes. I hoped she saw the pain in my eyes that I saw in hers. She's hiding something too, but now's not the time to press that issue. "Lils, what's wrong? Do you like James? Is that what this is about?"

"I think—I think I might like him. But that's not all of it."

Sara jumped up in excitement. "It's about bloody time you took a fancy to the bloke!" she hugged me enthusiastically.

"Sara, I don't think she's done." Kali interrupted Sara's rants and hyper gyrations.

I could feel all three of them boring holes into my head. I wouldn't face them. I couldn't face them. A sob escaped my lips. Kali knelt in front of me, and lifted my chin so that she was looking straight into my eyes. I tried to turn away, but she held strong. "Lily, you can tell us anything. You know that right? Anything you tell us, we won't judge you." I stayed silent for a long time. "If you don't trust us, fine, we'll leave."

"It's not something I did." I muttered, frustrated. Why were they acting like I did something wrong? I closed my eyes and looked down. "It's Rose."

"As in Rose Harper?" Sara sneered. "The Bitch who stole the only guy who I ever cared about?"

We all looked at her, she glared at Alice and Kali until they turned their attention back to me. "What about Rose?" Alice asked.

"She's James' girlfriend."

"Oh, holy mother of God." Sara swore. "That Bitch gets around doesn't she?"

"That's not even the worst part about it."

Slowly, I relinquished the entire story. From the encounter with Sirius (I left out the comments about Sara) to James' realization when it comes to his dad. They just sat there. Saying nothing, asking no questions.

After I was finished, we all sat in silence. Then suddenly we all started talking at once:

Kali: "Well, it sounds like James is acting like a total asshole right now."

Sara: "I think you were right to ignore that son of a bitch, Lils."

Alice: "I supposed this is all Rose's fault."

Me: "I'm hopeless when it comes to relationships."

Somehow, out of all that, we all only heard Alice's comment. "What do you mean, Al?" Kali asked her.

"I mean, it sounds to me, that if Rose hadn't come around and been such a bitch, you would've confessed your undying love to James, and you two would be together right now." She stated wisely.

"Alice, it's not as if they just got together right now, today. It seems like they've been together for a while." I muttered.

"No, Lils, Rose doesn't stay with guys for a while. She gets together with them for the sex, if they don't give it to her, or she gets bored (which happens often) she just moves on." I looked at her skeptically, remembering everything I'd seen today. "Listen to me. SHE. DOESN'T. HAVE. BOYFRIENDS. She has trends. They're in and out with the fashion. It won't be long until she dumps Potter on his ass where he belongs." She shook her head, as if to rid herself of unwanted thoughts, straightened her back and walked out of the Heads Dorm.]

"Why do I get the feeling that there's more to that girl than meets the eye?" Kali asked.

"Oh, I don't know what's going on inside her head. Part of me doesn't want to know. But the other part wants her to get it out of her, before she explodes." I said. "She's hurting inside, more than we could ever know. And she won't let us help her. I'm afraid she's going to dig herself into a hole that she won't be able to dig out of." I looked at my friends and saw the same looks of concern mirrored on their faces. This was going to be a long year. All I can do is hope to get through it with at least a small shred of sanity left.


A/N: Thanks to everyone who reviewed last chapter… I think we had some newbies who'd never reviewed WLCFH (My new acronym for When Love Comes From Hate… so if you see it, know that that's what I'm talking about ) before—Round of applause to you guys! (Thebiggestpotterfreak & InfectedWithNargles)

I'm DEEPLY sorry (Again… more apologies ) for not updating! You know my reasons!

I love you guys! Please, please, PLEASE REVIEW! I know that I haven't been a good updater, but I promise that I'll try harder!