A/N: Wow, I am sincerely sorry for the lack of updates these past six weeks. Things are getting so crazy as I prepare for university that this story was put on the backburner. I hope the drama in this chapter makes up for the wait! I suppose it could have been longer, but I decided in the end that I didn't want everything to happen right away. Anyways, enough of my blabbering and excuses; enjoy chapter 12!
Chapter 12: Intensity
For the first time all summer, I've woken up late. I groggily stretch and look down at the floor, but the only thing I see are James' crumpled blankets. I sit up with my stomach growling, and notice that James and Mrs. Potter are sitting at the table. I groan and slump back down, trying to decide if I'm more tired than I am hungry. I close my eyes, but my stomach growls again, and my hunger wins out.
I throw off my blankets and smooth down my undoubtedly disgusting hair, and walk the short distance to the kitchen.
"Good morning," says Mrs. Potter cheerfully as I grab a bowl and sit down at the small table. James doesn't look up from his meal.
"Good morning," I reply, somewhat less cheerfully. "Can you pass the cornflakes?"
There is no reply from James. Mrs. Potter looks between us, and then speaks to her son directly.
"James?"
"Yeah?" he says grumpily, still not looking up.
"Are you going to pass the cornflakes?"
James continues to eat his cereal.
"James?" Mrs. Potter repeats.
"What?" James demands through a mouthful.
"Never mind. I got it," I mumble, reaching for the cereal.
"James!" scolds Mrs. Potter.
"What? She got it, doesn't she?"
"It's okay, Mrs. Potter," I say quietly. "Really."
"It might be 'okay,' but it doesn't mean it wasn't rude," Mrs. Potter scolds.
"It doesn't matter," James snaps, looking up at me for the first time. Our eyes lock. "Lily doesn't like me anyways."
I can't decide whether I want to cry or slap him. I feel my blood boil, and an unexpected rush of hate explodes in my chest. At the same time, I feel something inside of me break, and my stomach seems to have fallen out of my body. What did I ever see in James Potter?
"James!" Mrs. Potter exclaims.
"It's okay, Mrs. Potter," I tell her, without breaking eye contact with James. "James doesn't like me, either."
James slams his spoon down on the wooden table, and I push my uneaten cereal away from me.
"What in Merlin's—"
"Nothing!" James and I both shout, and in unison, we stand and stalk off in opposite directions, leaving Mrs. Potter alone and confused in the tiny kitchen.
Everything in this stupid fucking cottage is boring. There isn't enough room for anybody to be alone. I hate this. I don't want to spend the rest of my life in a box with my least favorite person in the world and his parents. Oh, and not to mention two brothers I barely know, one of whom was sent to the hospital because of my actions. There's nothing to do. How did I survive the summer before this?
Right, I remind myself bitterly. I survived because James and I were on speaking terms.
"Hey, Lily, how're you doing?" Gideon sits down on the couch next to me. It's been two days since James and my little breakfast altercation, and we haven't spoken since.
"Not too bad," I reply, not sure if I'm lying or not. "And yourself?"
"Better," he says, yawning. "The Healers still have no idea what curse I got hit with, but as long as I don't get hit with it again, I can't say I care."
"Sounds good to me," I say, trying to crack a smile, but I'm pretty sure it just comes off as some kind of creepy leer. "Sorry about that, by the way."
"Why are you apologizing?" Gideon laughs. "You didn't attack me."
"Yeah, but I still feel responsible," I shrug guiltily. "At any rate, I'm sorry it happened at all."
"Don't worry about it. I've had worse injuries."
"Like what?"
Gideon thinks for a moment.
"No, I'm lying," he says. "This is the worst injury I've ever had. But I figure I got off easy."
"How do you figure that?"
Gideon looks around as though expecting someone to be spying on us, and leans in closer to me. "You know Mad-Eye Moody? The man with bits of his face missing?"
"Yeah," I reply, finally attaching a name to the face of the scarred man.
Gideon's voice is lower now. "He's had the Cruciatus Curse put on him. More than once."
I shudder at the thought.
"Wow. Well, by those standards, you got off scot free."
"I don't mind, though," Gideon assures me. "I'd take a hit like that any day if it would help end this war." I say nothing, impressed by his bravery. He goes on: "I got what I signed up for. We all have. I'm lucky…I really thought I'd be dead by now, to be honest with you." The honesty and reality of his words chill me, and I resist the urge to shudder.
"I can't decide if you're really brave, or just really stupid," I say, shaking my head.
"Probably the latter," Gideon chuckles a bit. I can tell he's trying to lighten the mood, but now that we have broached the subject, I want to keep talking. As morbid as it is, I can't help but ask my next question.
"Aren't you…aren't you afraid to die?"
I say it so quietly that I almost think he didn't hear me. He isn't laughing anymore, and he runs a hand through his hair. His face is serious and his eyes are dark as he replies.
"I am afraid to die," he says gravely, his voice dangerously close to cracking. "I'm afraid of a lot of things. But I've found that bravery isn't about not being afraid of something. It's about being scared shitless and doing it anyways."
The Order, especially Mad-Eye Moody, often pop in and out of the little cottage. Each time, they bring snippets of information from the outside world. Mr. and Mrs. Potter don't seem to care whether or not James and I hear anything anymore—the space is too small to stop anybody from hearing anything.
"We still have Avery in custody, but Crouch won't hear the case for another month."
"Eight Muggles murdered in Pembrookshire this morning. Eight! And in broad daylight, too. The nerve…"
"The Lovegoods fled late last night, and with good reason, too. Xenophilius and his stupid little pamphlet are more trouble than it's worth."
"He's getting stronger. There's no denying it. We have to prepare ourselves for the worst."
At first, I tried to hear as much news as possible, but as the days and weeks wore on, I found that I was happier not knowing about every single innocent death and tragedy that was striking the world.
"What's it like?" I ask Fabian one morning.
"What's what like?"
"Being in the Order."
We're sitting outside, watching the sun rise. Fabian is an early riser, like me.
"I dunno," Fabian shrugged, absently pulling some weeds from the grass. "It's okay."
"Come on, Fabian," I say impatiently. "What's it really like?"
"What do you think it's like? It's fucking scary, that's what it's like," Fabian replies. "Everyone dying everywhere…not being able to see your friends…putting your own family in danger…it takes some…adjusting to."
Neither of us look at each other. The sun is almost halfway over the horizon, and I try not to look directly at it. It's so beautiful, but it hurts my eyes to stare.
"If it's so scary, then why are you in it?" I ask him after a while.
"Because," Fabian says slowly, "as scary as it is to be in the Order, I can't imagine how scary it would be to live like this forever. This has to change, you know? And nothing's going to change unless we fight."
I nod, but don't respond. I admire the Prewett brothers for their bravery. They are true Gryffindors, I think to myself. They exemplify what our House stands for: loyalty and selflessness. Putting yourself in danger to help others. They're incredible. How can I possibly compare?
"I want to join, when I'm of age," I tell Fabian. I'm not sure why I say it, but I feel like I have to.
"I know you do."
"I'm seventeen in January. I want to fight. But I'm scared."
I hear Fabian take a breath beside me, but I don't look at him. I don't want him to see the shame in my eyes.
"We're all scared. Everyone is. Me, Gideon, Mr. Potter…even Mad-Eye, though he'll never tell you so. Being scared's part of the deal."
"Do you think…do you think I'll be ready?" I ask tentatively, finally turning to look at Fabian. His eyes are full of sincerity when he replies, "There's no doubt in my mind."
James and I wake up at the same time the next morning. Just my luck. I try to fall back to sleep, but James makes eye contact with me and I know he knows I'm awake.
"'Morning," I grumble. James ignores me, so I slump back down onto my pillow. I can't sleep.
"James," I whisper after a while. He doesn't respond, but I know he can hear me. "James, why won't you listen to me?"
I wait for his reply anxiously, my heart pounding in my ears. I want so badly for him to turn to me and promise that he will listen until I'm finished explaining myself. I want to tell him about how confused I am, about how I loved him…or do I still love him? I want to tell him that I loved him for sure when he asked me, and that I wanted to tell him right then…but when he yelled at me and reverted back to how we were at the beginning of the summer, something changed. I want to tell him that I feel like it could go either way at this point. I want him to change my mind.
"Please, James." I'm almost pleading now; all my self-respect has gone out the window. "Please."
I hear James' blankets shifting as he turns away from me.
"I know you can hear me," I tell him.
"Yeah, I can hear you," James grumbles. "Will you shut up? I'm tired, I'm trying to sleep, and I don't want to hear it."
That is the last thing I want to hear.
"What is your problem?" I exclaim, throwing off my blanket and standing up.
"My problem? What's my problem?" James stands, too. He towers over me. "My problem is you."
"You're so god damn self-centered," I spit. "If you took two seconds to listen to me, then you would know—"
"—that you think I'm an arrogant prick?" James interrupts. "That I'm a 'bullying toerag?' That I'm selfish, dirty, horrid, and your least favorite person in the entire world, including Lord Voldemort?"
"No! Just shut up and let me—"
"You know what, Lily? I don't know what I ever saw in you," James cuts over me again. "I can't believe I ever thought I was in love with you. Sirius was right; you aren't worth my time."
It happens so suddenly that I can't process what has happened until it's over. James might as well have just punched me in the stomach, because that's just what it feels like right now. It feels like my chest has been ripped open. It feels like my heart has died.
"You…" But I can't think of anything else to say. I feel like I'm going to be sick, so I wrap my blanket around my shoulders and run out the door.
Well, at any rate, he did what I wanted; he changed my mind.
I expected to cry once I got outside, but I'm too angry to do anything except mutter under my breath. What the fuck was I thinking? How could I possibly ever believe that I was in love with James Potter? I actually pursued him. What is wrong with me?
He's so fucking inconsistent. That's the problem; one moment, he's kind and wonderful, and the next, he's showing his true colors. It's as if his life's goal is to make me miserable. I can't believe that after all this time, after all we have been through together, he says things like that. If he can't see that I care about him, then why should I even bother—
"OOF!"
"Lily! You ought to watch where you're going," says Fabian, laughing at me sprawled on the ground. He extends a hand to help me up, and I accept it.
"Sorry," I snap.
"Whoa, hey, calm down," Fabian says, holding up his hands as though in surrender. "Whatever it is I did, I didn't mean—"
"You didn't do anything," I tell him, trying to keep the bite in my voice to a minimum.
"Oh. Well, then what seems to be the problem?"
"Nothing."
Fabian laughs. "So it's James, then." He sits down and pats the grass next to him. "Take a seat."
"No, thank you." I try to stalk off, but Fabian grabs the sleeve of my sweater and drags me back.
"Not so fast."
"This is assault, you know," I snap as Fabian jerks me down next to him.
"I'm just trying to help you out," Fabian says reasonably. "You've got no friends."
"Wow, thanks, you ARE a big help."
"You know what I mean. I'm all you have right now. Come on. Lay it on me."
I pause and look at Fabian. He's looking at me with a concerned, yet amused expression on his face, and I sigh, taking a few deep breaths before trusting myself to speak.
"Do you ever hate someone so much that you wish they would throw up all their guts and die inside-out?"
Fabian laughs. "I knew it was about James."
"I never said—"
"Shut up, Lily," Fabian interrupts. "Come on. Cut the bullshit."
I shift uncomfortably and wrap my blanket tighter around myself, even though there is no breeze. "Fine. It's about sodding James, alright?"
"There we go. Now, are you going to finally tell me why you two have been at each other's throats these past three weeks?"
"It's because he's so fucking stubborn," I say harshly. "He won't listen to me. I keep trying to talk to him, but he won't hear it. And if he just took five seconds to hear me out, then he'd know that—"
"—you're madly in love with him?"
I look out over the hill. "I hate him."
Fabian puts an arm around me, and we watch the sun rise even higher in the sky.
"I don't know what's happened between you two," Fabian says, surprising me by breaking the silence. "But I have never seen two people more meant for each other than you and James Potter."
I don't say anything. Instead, I look down at my feet and curl my toes in the grass.
"What if he never talks to me again?" I say quietly, finally voicing my biggest fear. Fabian squeezes my shoulders in comfort.
"You know James…he's a bit of an idiot. But he'll come around. I promise."
I'm still doubtful, but I nod anyways. Fabian gives me one more squeeze before walking back up to the cottage, leaving me alone again. If Fabian thought our little talk was going to make things more clear, he was wrong.
Dinner that night is a very tense affair. Gideon and Fabian are trying to lighten the mood by making jokes, but not even the sounds of polite laughter can drown out the tense silence.
"Lily, what have you been up to, lately?" asks Mrs. Potter suddenly. "I barely see you around the house."
I shrug, surprised that she is addressing me. "Nothing much." Just avoiding your son at all costs, I think to myself. James catches my eye, and I know that he knows what I'm thinking. He smirks, and I drop my head.
"You haven't spoken much. Are you sure you're alright?"
"Yes," I say, in what I hope is a convincing tone. I flash a quick smile, and then look down at my meal again.
"Are you making progress with your Defense studies?" Mr. Potter asks me. Defense studies. Crap. Ironically, I have completely forgotten about them since our little run-in with Avery.
"I—was," I say carefully. "But since I've been here…"
"That's alright," Mr. Potter says. "Not to worry. Do I daresay you were working hard before the attack?"
"Yes, sir," I reply.
"What do you say, James? How's our girl doing?" Mr. Potter turns to his son. Oh, no. My heart drops out of my stomach; I had forgotten he was supposed to be helping me. I look up at him, and our eyes meet again. Lie for me, I telepathically implore him. Please. Don't make a scene.
"I don't know," James says, not taking his eyes off me. I see a hint of a smirk on his face, and I suppress the urge to put my face in my hands. He's going to make a scene. "She doesn't want my help."
"Melina?" Mr. Potter addresses me.
"No," I correct my "brother." "James doesn't want to help me."
"Guilty as charged," says James, smiling sarcastically at me and putting another mouthful of potatoes into his mouth.
"Wow, it's getting late," Fabian says, faking a yawn. "I'm off to bed…"
"Yeah…me too," Gideon adds, taking his brother's hint. No one really pays them any attention as they get up and leave.
"You mean to say that you haven't been working with Melina?" says Mr. Potter, slowly putting down his spoon.
"What is wrong with you?" I shout at James, surprising everyone at the table, including myself.
"I'm sure you already have an extensive list," James says acidly.
"Everyone, calm down," Mrs. Potter says, but everyone ignores her.
"Why do you always try to make things harder?" I exclaim. "Why do you have to pick a fight at every available moment?"
"You were supposed to be training her!" Mr. Potter yells at James. "How is she going to protect herself now?"
"I don't need any help from a pompous, arrogant git," I tell Mr. Potter darkly.
"Yes," agrees James sarcastically, "and it's not easy to train a stubborn tease anyways!"
"That is unaccept—" Mr. Potter begins, but I cut him off.
"Excuse me? If you would take five seconds to TALK to me, I might have a chance to explain myself!"
"I don't want to hear it anymore!"
"I hate you!" I scream, tears springing to my eyes. I feel like I'm five years old. I'm so frustrated that all I want to do is scream, stamp my feet, and throw a tantrum.
"Right back at you!"
"What the sodding hell is the problem with you two?" Mrs. Potter suddenly bellows. Even Mr. Potter jumps a little in his chair, gaping at his tiny, well-mannered wife. "Every single time you two are in the same room together, you end up shouting!"
"He's such a—"
"She always—"
"Enough shouting!" Mrs. Potter shouts. "Out! Both of you!" She starts shoving James and I towards the door.
"Mum, are you seriously kicking me out?" James yelps.
"You two aren't allowed to come back inside until you can learn to be civil!"
"See you never!" James yells childishly, as Mrs. Potter slams the door behind us.
I hear the lock click. James and I stare at each other , fuming.
"Now look what you've done!" I say, mustering up my "Prefect glare." James is less than intimidated. On the contrary, he's furious.
"That is so like you!" James bellows. "You're so damn perfect. Nothing is ever your fault, is it?"
"Go to hell."
"I wouldn't want to risk running into you!"
"I never want to speak to you ever again!" I scream, losing all control.
"Fine by me!" James shouts. He picks up a stick and draws a line in the grass. "That's your side; this is mine. Stay on your side of the line."
I resist the urge to hit James with the stick he just used to draw our dividing line and stomp to the side of the house, where I am unable to hold back tears any longer.
A/N: And there you have it! Chapter 13 will be up sooner than this, I promise! I just want to take a second to thank all of the 43 reviewers who commented on the last chapter! Wondering Hail, xLycheeRAiN, Angel.x, movinggirl, TheOneBehindItAll, Tarantallegra27 (you ALWAYS leave me the most amazing reviews-is it weird to say that I love you?), LanaDeLuca, buddygirl1004, , djsrocks, thePhonyOversized, Shhay-j11, , Oriel Subtle, sugarquills-and-lillies, Scribbles In A Notebook, pigckle8, Fangalitious, okok123, xxcookiesxx123, sugarquills007, aspentree11, DarlingILoveYou, parisFish, MoonLightnBlackFlame, TeenTypist (THANK YOU for the constructive criticism! I appreciate it so much.), i guess i'm going under again, weasleytwins12, i love puffy stickers, AMessofPickles, you get on with that shit, snarky sidekick, Sarah Wesley Potter Black, Alex reviews, starlight564, Meguxa, EdernaW, The Scarlett Letter, Chloe Barby, Nobody, and .-you are all wonderful, amazing people. I'm buying you all unicorns. You guys are so amazing. I read and appreciate every single thing you send me! I try to reply to everyone personally, but I have been doing a TERRIBLE job of it lately.
Anyways, please shoot me a review, and tune in for the next chapter!
