FINALLY! This chapter was very very hard to write even though it is kinda short. This is probably one of the most emotional chapters i will write in this story. Please review and enjoy! (i swear to god the review button will not hurt you. trust me, i've clicked it multiple times and i come out whole.)
Blood On the Hands
BPOV
He what? Wants me to kill my baby? That is completely senile! What makes him think that I can't make it? Shows how much faith he has.
"No." I said flatly.
Edward looked so pained. "It's the only way Bella. Either both of you die or you live to try again. Carlisle says he is one hundred percent certain that you will not live to see the end of the pregnancy. He said this has gone on too long and that in order for you to live, you need a bone marrow transplant." His hands were holding mine tightly…they were shaking with force.
I didn't know what to say to Carlisle's expertise and his guess of how long I can stick it out. To me, it sounded like he was telling me to commit murder. Could I kill my baby? If I go down I take the baby with me. That's not fair. He/she deserves to have a chance at life. It wouldn't be fair to end it so fast.
"Bella?" His voice was shaking and concerned by my silence.
I swallowed hard. "You want me to kill our baby, so I can live?" They were hard words to say. It seemed so selfish to want to do this.
"Anything is going to sound bad when you say it that way," he murmured. He lifted my hands to his face and placed a gentle kiss on each one. "I know this doesn't seem fair, and it's not." He conceded. "But in order to get something out of this, abortion is the only way," his tone went real quiet at the end. He hated this as much as I did. I leaned forward and put my head in his lap. The tears came quicker now.
"So you are saying there is no chance of me or my baby pulling through this?" If it was a month premature, then it would live. And if I died shortly after? That doesn't matter. As long as my baby has a chance at life.
His words came out strained. "There is no chance whatsoever." My breath hitched at his words, and my tears turned into sobs. They were broken and choppy sobs. I couldn't breath, and my back was killing me from leaning over. I wasn't sure what I was crying for, the pain of his words, or the pain in my back.
Edward brushed my hair and rubbed circles on my back while I continued to sob with no sign of stopping. He planted a few kisses on the back of my head. I wrapped my arms around his waist, hoping that somehow this would all go away.
My sobs finally slowed and I began trying to catch my lost breath. Edward held me in his arms, while I held him in mine. It would've been a picture perfect moment if it wasn't filled with so much misery. I could imagine the developed film: Edwards eyes clenched shut, mouth in a frown, while I had tear stains down my face, disheveled hair, and puffy red eyes from all the tears.
"What do you want to do, Love?" He whispered to me in the calm silence.
"I need to see Carlisle." I started to sit up. I moved slowly, but it still hurt. A small whimper of pain escaped my lips. It hurt so bad. I held my breath and sat up all the way. I felt Edward grab my arm as I stood up. It was a good thing too. My blood sugar levels were at rock bottom.
I hugged myself closer to him, feeling very insecure about what I was about to do. He gave a supportive squeeze. I didn't want to look up at him, I didn't know how bad I looked. And if there was as much pain in my eyes as in my entire body, I knew it would crush him. I wanted to show him that it was going to be okay.
Carlisle was still in his office. Had he left it at all today? Edward sat down in one of the leather chairs, and I sat down on his lap. He took my left hand and kissed my wedding band that hung loosely on my ring finger. I smiled weakly at Edward, and he strained a smile back.
I focused my attention on Carlisle. He was leaning comfortably back in his big leather chair. In front of him was the book that screwed me over. I scowled at it and Carlisle actually laughed a little bit.
He stopped to ask me a question. "I assume that Edward has spoken with you?" I nodded. I didn't trust my voice to say anything. "Have you decided?" He said quietly and as gently as possible.
I hesitated. Did I really want to do this? Better yet, did I have a choice? My mouth opened, but nothing came out. I wanted to say no more than anything. I wanted to say "I'm going to die to try what can't be done and go through with this pregnancy" but that would kill Edward. If nothing good came out of this, I'm positive Edward would be dead within twenty-four hours.
Edward squeezed my hand and I squeezed back. I took courage from that and managed a nod. "I want…I want an abortion." It was difficult for Carlisle to hear me, because he had to lean forward to catch what I was saying. I rested my forehead on Edward's shoulder and clenched my eyes shut so that no tears would escape. I was surprised I had any left. At this rate, I was going to dehydrate myself and cause more health problems.
Edwards arms wrapped around me and I tried taking deep breaths. Carlisle spoke in a calm and doctor like mannor.
"I would recommend getting this done as soon as possible. It's dangerous to put this off any more. You need that BMT more than anything right now. Maybe a few rounds of chemotherapy. We will have to go from there." He folded his hands on top of his desk.
"Bella, love, this has to be done soon." Edward said carefully, trying not to push too hard. I could also feel him trying to suppress his on-coming panic.
I was defeated. There was no way to get out of this. I hated postponing the inevitable. "I'll go with Alice tomorrow." I said hardly above a whisper. Edward continued rubbing my back.
"Alright Love. I'll make sure it's taken care of." I nodded weakly. I felt like the life had been taken from me. I felt so guilty and defeated. A flashback of my early kindergarden days flashed in my mind. A hot shot boy was picking on another boy about how he was such a looser with no friends. I pushed him back onto the spinner and told him to go cry in a corner with his cabbage patch kids doll. Well, that's exactly what I felt like doing right now.
I got up and saw the Roman numeral clock on the wall. It was ten o'clock. I wanted to talk with Alice.
"I'm going to see Alice," I told Edward, walking towards the door.
I walked down the hall in a trance-like state. I let my legs carry me to my destination. My feet shuffled on the carpeted floor as I made my way towards Alice and Jasper's room.
She opened the door before I knocked. She gave me a small smile. "Come on in Bella." She took my hand and guided me into her room.
It looked like something you'd see in France. I guess you'd call it French provincial. The classic white bed frame, the faded white armoire, and she had a birdcage in the corner for decoration.
I sat down on her snow-white bed. She sat down next to me and put both of my hands in hers.
"I will go with you tomorrow Bella," she must've had a vision. "I'm sorry you have to go through with this. It's not fair." I looked into her brilliant topaz eyes, they were filled with sympathy and sadness. Her mouth in a frown that resembled Edward's. It would be awkward if I showed up to get an abortion with Edward, and I was closest to Alice. I knew she would be there for me.
"Thanks Alice." I whispered to her. My voice didn't have the strength today. All my strength was gone. I felt as weak and feeble as ever. "I would just feel more comfortable if you came instead of Edward. I just don't want eyes on me like that."
She rubbed my arm. "Hey, once you get better you can try again. I'm no Carlisle, but bone marrow transplants are very effective. It might put you into remission. It should take a while, but it will happen. Have patience. Good things come to those who wait," she said as brightly as the moment allowed.
I smile a little bit. "You sound like a total cliché right now, you know that right?" she giggled a little bit.
"Yes, but I'm a strong believer in it. You should be too." She gave me a gentle nudge.
"Why? I waited to tell all of you and look what has happened. I have to commit murder and go through intense chemo. Not including the bone marrow transplant. Me waiting has brought nothing good." I didn't mean to be a downer, but I just couldn't see the good side in this.
Alice frowned. "Bella, anything is going to sound bad when you put it that way." I laughed and she raised her eyebrows.
"Edward said the same thing," I explained. She smiled back.
"You should go to bed. You have a big day tomorrow," she cooed. I just nodded and stood up. I found Edward waiting for me when I walked out of Alice's room. He must have heard what Alice was thinking.
"Hey," I gave him the best smile I could offer, but it felt strained.
"Hello, love." I walked over to him and gave him a hug. I closed my eyes and nearly fell asleep instantly. He seemed to notice this too.
He gently lifted me into his arms and started carrying me away.
"Good night Alice," I said it into Edward's sweater, but I knew she heard me.
"See you tomorrow Bella," I hope.
I heard Edward close our bedroom door behind him. I counted the steps to the bed. He was very careful to sway as little as possible so he wouldn't hurt me. It didn't matter. Everything made me hurt now. I felt him lower me to the bed (my new best friend) and pull the covers over me. Knives poked me in the back, but I bit back the cries. I heard his footsteps grow faint.
"Don't go." I cried in panic. "Please don't leave me Edward." The last thing I wanted right now was to be alone.
As soon as the words left my mouth, he was there. His arms were wrapped around me gently, giving my forehead little pecks of kisses, and telling me he was never, ever going to leave me again.
I took in a deep breath. "I know your not going to leave me Edward," there was a little more bite in my tone than I intended. I said softer, "it's just that I've kept quiet with no one to turn to until I told Alice. But by then I had already been dealing with it for over a month. I take comfort in having you near me is all," I yawned and heard him whisper "I love you, so much Bella," before sinking into the darkest sleep.
I knew I was awake, I just didn't want to get up. Getting up would force me to do something terrible, that should never be done. I kept my eyes tightly shut so that there was no chance of them opening. My head was resting on something hard: Edward, I realized. He kept his word and didn't leave me. My eyes clenched tighter to fight the intense temptation to look at my beautiful husband.
"Bella, love, I know you don't want to get up. I'm sorry you have to do this, but Alice is waiting very impatiently outside our bedroom door waiting to get you dressed and ready to…go," he said carefully. It was his sad, and sympathetic, almost guilty tone. I ruefully gave into his pleads and slowly opened my eyes.
His deep topaz eyes were boring into my brown ones with a fierce intensity. I closed my eyes and sighed. "You can let Alice in. There's no point," Edward finished the sentence for me.
"…in avoiding the inevitable. I know," he gave me a weak smile. I tried to smile back, but it felt contorted and wrong. His cool hands brushed a lock of hair behind my ear and kissed me with a gentle passion. Only Edward could pull that off.
Alice was immediately at my bedside, gently tapping me to get up.
"Seriously, Bella. We have to go. The a~pointment is at nine and it's already eight," smooth I thought. I knew what word she was going to say before it formed on her own lips. Abortion. She wasn't terribly rushy like she usually was. She gently guided me through the motions of getting dressed, put on a little bit of make-up (after much protest on my part) and gave me a couple of pain killers for my sore back.
I didn't see Edward until a moment before we left. When I got to Alice's pretty little Porche, I felt his cool arms wrap around me and his chin on my shoulders.
"I'm so sorry Bella," his voice was broken. It was choked up, like Charlie at the wedding. Suppressing my tears, I turned around and gave him a passionate kiss. Seeing him torn up like this wasn't helping my attitude at all, but even vampires need to have a let-go every once in a while.
"Don't be. It's my own damn fault for being an idiot and waiting so long. Don't worry about it Edward. None of this is your fault." I spoke in whispers. The tension made any other volume sound to loud. He was about to protest, but I turned around and got into Alice's car. I didn't look back at Edward as we drove off; I was scared that his expression was the same as mine.
The ride was short (mostly because of the insane Cullen driving habits) and Alice didn't really say much. I hated small talk and she knew it. About half way there she stop talking all together.
Sitting in a doctor's office isn't fun. Your insides are always racked with anxiety and you bounce your legs up and down because of nervous habit. Alice rested her hand on my knee as a subtle way of telling me to calm down, but there was only one person who had the touch to quiet me. I stopped fidgeting to please Alice: instead I just wrapped my arms around my stomach and tried to stop a threatening tear flow.
I must have zoned out because when Alice tapped me tenderly on the arm, I jumped. "They called your name," she explained softly. Fear shot through me like a bullet. I felt my eyes widen. Alice looked pained. I reigned my bulging eyes back into my sockets and settled on a frown for an expression. I looked down at my too-flat stomach, but Alice drew my attention back up when she started tugging on my arm. I surrendered to her and she took my hand.
When we walked into the room, where the doctor was seated properly at his desk, I saw the door to the other room. I was glad Alice did all the talking for me; I was too traumatized and distraught to form a word. I stared at my clothing: a white silk dress that went down to my knees, a white cashmere cover-up over it, and white, patent leather ballet flats. When Alice asked me why I was wearing all white, I told her it was because white is the traditional color of death. She didn't utter another word on my outfit. After she got me dressed, she quickly changed into a white blouse, white slacks, and white, satin heels that gave her the height that she desperately needed to look remotely her age.
Alice gave me a gentle squeeze of the hand and I realized I had zoned out again. The doctor guided me to the back room while I was still in a daze. I was only just aware of the white walls and thought, how appropriate. I stared at the operation like table in the room and closed my eyes, hoping it would all disappear. To my intense disappointment, it didn't.
EPOV
Do you think she would be back by now? Jasper asked through his thoughts. In my despair, I didn't know what to do. So Jasper took me hunting. I didn't kill or drink, I just ran alongside Jasper. His 'stamina' wasn't as good as mine.
I sat down on the rock while he finished disposing his doe. I was too numb to feel the blood thirst that was burning in my throat. Feeling that this was all my fault left me this way. Bella hated how I blamed myself for everything bad that happened to her, but if I traced back all the clues and trails, all her problems led to me. I could've caught those distinct bruises on her back if I had been paying attention to more than her face while she was sleeping, or during our intimate moments, but I was too focused on keeping her alive. How ironic.
"I guess I should go and find out," I said standing up. Jasper finished covering up the evidence and started running with me.
Halfway back to the house, his thoughts got louder. You're drowning me with guilt Edward. It's suffocating me. I wanted to apologize, but no words formed on my lips. The numbness had officially taken over my body. Instead, I felt apologetic towards Jasper and saw, out of the corner of my eye, him nod in understanding. For a wild moment, I was sincerely grateful that Jasper came with me instead of Emmett. If you told him to take something seriously, he would drop to the floor in laughter.
We appeared in the driveway, where I saw Alice's car sloppily parked. I slowed my pace and jumped up the porch steps. I was vaguely aware of Jasper's presence behind me, but I was more concerned with where my Bella was. I quietly opened the front door and saw Alice, Rosalie, Esme, Carlisle, and Emmett all seated in the family room with frowns on their faces. Rosalie's expression was more like a glare or scorn. She was just angry that she didn't have her say with Bella. Good.
I heard the shower running upstairs. I caught one of Carlisle's thoughts as I started my way up the stairs.
Be very careful Edward. I've never seen her so fragile. I winced when I saw a picture of Bella, walking into the house, completely dazed and unaware. She didn't blink, she was hardly breathing, and the only thing I saw was Bella's arms wrapped tightly around her stomach. Everyone could tell she was wishing something was in there. I gave a slight nod in his general direction and continued upstairs.
When I opened our Bedroom door, I didn't find the clothing that was usually laid out on the bed before she took a shower. I didn't put much thought into it. The bathroom door was cracked open a couple of inches, where I could see Bella's shoes thrown on the floor.
"Bella?" I called her little quietly and knocked. No answer. I cracked open the door. My silent heart dropped to the floor. On the floor of the shower, in the corner, Bella, in her white silk dress, was curled up into a ball, fully clothed, her arms were wrapped around her legs, and her head rested on her knees. She was shaking madly.
I pushed my legs forward into the shower and sat down next to her. I slipped an arm over her shoulder. I thought she would jump at the touch, but she stayed still. If it weren't for her uncontrollable shaking, I'd have thought that she were in a coma. I wasn't sure if she even noticed my presence.
After a couple moments of silence, I barely heard her whispers. "I feel like there's blood on my hands, Edward. And it's not coming off," she whimpered. I looked at her hands, clenched in the crease under her knees. I gently took hold of one of her goose-bumped arms and pried her hand loose. I kissed it all over, hoping to take the feeling that I knew very well away from her.
"Better?" I whispered against her hand. She gave a weak nod and continued to shiver. "Are you cold?" I tried to get her to talk again, but I only got another weak nod. I reached my hand up to turn the nosel an realized the water was on it's coldest setting. I thought for a short moment, I don't think you can get much more numb than this. She felt nothing before she walked through the front door. I couldn't imagine the pain in her right now. I turned the nosel and turned it on a presumably warm temperature.
"Better?" I whispered again. This time, she threw her arms around me and sobbed. I pulled her into my lap and her arms were tightly wrapped around my neck as she cried into my already soaked shoulder. I didn't say anything, I just rocked her in my lap and let her cry. All the while wishing I could cry with her.
The deed is done! She regretfully got the abortion. I guess she's not one in believing the "no-win scenario" either. and if you think the drama is over, think again! mwhahahahaha.
Review if you want to make me smile! :D
