Behind These Hazel Eyes
By: TracyCook
Disclaimer: I own nothing. These characters belong to the creator of Glee.
Couple: Quinn/Rachel
Rating: M
Chapter 12
It's Complicated
The kiss had only led to further complicate the situation. Rachel had told Quinn that she did not know what the kiss meant, and that she needed time to figure out what it was that she wanted. She still felt that she should love Finn, but often she wondered if she did actually love him or if she just felt that she was supposed to be in love with him.
Her words had frightened Quinn, but she quickly informed her that she did want to try with her; she just needed to figure out what was going on between Finn and herself. The blonde had nodded her head and told her that she would wait as long as it took.
"What's the point of talkin' Rach, it's pretty obvious you don't want me."
"I never said that I didn't want you, Finn." Rachel said with sadness in her large brown eyes as she approached him. She was trying to explain the situation to him, and he did not understand. Not that she expected him to, she didn't even understand.
"You pretty much did. If you wanted me then you would wanna marry me, and ya don't."
"I just—I just feel that we may have rushed into this marriage Finn. I was insecure about not immediately getting accepted into NYADA, and at the time I felt that this was the only option that I had, and so I accepted, but I was never prepared for marriage." She admitted in a soft tone of voice as she reached out and caught his hand in her own, tugging on it and begging him to look into her eyes. When he met her eyes with his own she smiled up at him.
Rachel Berry loved Finn Hudson, she always would, but it was not the same as what she felt toward Quinn. Still, she never wanted to see him looking so hurt. She never wanted to be the cause of his pain.
"It was your only option?" He asked, his squinty brown eyes filling with tears as his body shook with anger. He could not believe what he was hearing. Rachel had said yes to marry him, only because she did not get accepted into NYADA?
"I did not mean it that way, Finn. I loved you and I—"
"—you loved me?" Finn asked, noticing that she had used the past-tense.
Rachel's lips parted and she lost her voice as she stared up into his tear-filled eyes. She hated seeing him so broken. Honestly, she had not even noticed that she used the past-tense until after the word "loved" had fallen from her lips. It came naturally and that is what worried her the most. That she already knew what she wanted and she was hiding behind the love that she had once felt toward Finn.
She no longer loved him. She was in love with Quinn Fabray.
Tears filled her eyes and started to roll down her cheeks as she tightened her grip on his hand. She did not know what to say. How did you tell someone that somewhere along the way you stopped thinking about them, you stopped missing them, you stopped loving them? How was she supposed to explain to him that she had feelings for Quinn, the girl who had just ruined their wedding?
How do you break someone's heart?
"Finn, I didn't mean it that way. I love you; you know that I love you." Her chest tightened as she said these words.
"Y'know what Rachel? I don't think that I believe you anymore." Finn said, his voice shaking as he pulled his hand away from hers.
"You don't believe that I love you?" Rachel asked, biting down on her bottom lip and staring down at her hand that had been in his moments prior. She felt a pang of pain in her heart as she watched him slipping out of her life. She may not be in love with him, but she did still love him. "Why?"
"If you loved me you woulda married me."
"If I would have married you it would have only been because I felt that I had to, is that what you would have wanted me to do, Finn? Is that how I could have shown that I love you?"
He threw up his hands in frustration and started to pace in front of Rachel, running his hands through his hair as tears rolled down his cheeks. "I don't know Rachel! God, you could have told me that you didn't know if ya wanted ta get married! You could have stayed with me in the chapel; you didn't have to run after her!"
"Quinn is my closest friend, Finn. I had to help her…" Rachel whispered, as tears continued to stream down her face and her body shook. She felt terrible. He was right. She was supposed to be marrying Finn and she had put Quinn above him, the blonde had been more important to her, she was a horrible person.
"I don't get why you care so much about her, she has always been a complete bitch to you."
"That is not true." Rachel declined his accusation, but she knew that it was partially true. Quinn had not been her best friend over the last few years. She had hurt her on multiple occasions.
Finn laughed. "Yeah it is! Dude, she is like the meanest person I know and she treats you the worst. I don't get why you give her so many chances, let alone why you'd run outta our wedding just 'cause she told you she loved you. How the hell can someone who treats you like that love you? Don't you see that she's just lying? She probably just wants me back or something."
She glared up at him and clenched her jaw. The thought of Quinn only stopping her wedding in order to get Finn back was ridiculous. If she had wanted him back, she would have professed her love to him.
"The relationship that Quinn and I share is complicated, but she does care about me Finn and I will not allow you to attempt to convince me otherwise."
"Do you wanna be with her?" He asked, suddenly. Moving closer to the short diva and staring down into her large brown eyes. "Like, let's say that she isn't a lying bitch and she loves you, do you love her back?"
Rachel's heart raced as he asked the question, she could not find her voice all of a sudden. She had not expected him to ask her that and truthfully she did not know the answer to the question. She loved Quinn certainly, but was she in love with her? Did she want to be with her? She did not know, not yet. "I am not certain how I feel about Quinn."
"What does that even mean? You just said that you love me!" He shouted out angrily as tears continued to fall.
"I do love you!" She insisted.
"Then why the hell are you confused!? What did you guys do that made you second guess us?"
Rachel took in a deep breath and let it out in a rush that caused her bangs to fly up. She knew that she needed to be honest with him, but she did not feel the need to further hurt him. Still, she did not want to lie. "We were playing spin the bottle at the party at my house, and we shared a rather intimate kiss that night. Ever since then I have been uncertain about how I truly feel."
He squinted his eyes at her, his brows furrowed in confusion. "Wait, you texted me like that whole night. Why did you never tell me that you kissed her Rachel?"
"Because, I enjoyed it more than I should have." She admitted, already regretting the words as she watched his face fall. He looked empty and she hated herself for causing him so much pain.
"More than you enjoy kissing me?" Finn asked. His voice was surprisingly soft and not as angry as it had been before. He sounded as if he finally understood everything and he had lost all of his hope. Perhaps that was exactly what was happening, Rachel wasn't sure.
"Yes." Her voice was soft.
Finn swallowed hard and shoved his hands into the pockets of his jeans as he glanced away from her apologetic eyes. He did not want to hear her apologies, because he did not believe that she was sorry. He forced his tears away, not wanting to show any more vulnerability in front of Rachel, he was too proud to cry over her. Even if his heart was breaking and he felt completely worthless. How could his girlfriend not enjoy kissing him?
"Finn." Rachel whispered out under her breath, moving closer to him once more. Finn took a step away from her and it caused tears to resurface in her eyes. He hated her, and she did not blame him. "Finn, I do not blame you for hating me. I should have told you what happened between Quinn and I, and I should have told you about my true feelings, but I only kept them secret because I did not wish to cause you pain."
"Yeah… I get it." He shrugged his shoulders. "What I don't get is how one kiss could be more important to you than our entire relationship."
Rachel bit down on her bottom lip and thought over what he had said. "It was not the kiss necessarily."
"What does that even mean?"
"Well, I was extremely intoxicated that evening and I do not even fully recall the kiss that we shared…" She paused as she remembered that they had shared another kiss, but she did not feel inclined to tell him that. "What I do remember though is how it made me feel, how Quinn made me feel. I feel safe when I am close to her, I feel important, loved, and she always pushes me to follow my dreams. She believes in me."
"And I don't?"
"It isn't that—I just, I don't know. Quinn makes me feel special, Finn. That is all that I have ever wanted…"
"Good. You deserve to feel special Rachel… I just wish that it was 'cause of me." He stated in a weak and powerless voice as he looked to the door.
"Finn I—"
"—I kinda just wanna be left alone. I get that you are sorry Rach, I get that you love me but you are in love with Quinn, it's cool. But I really don't wanna like cry in front of you, not again, so just leave me alone for a while."
Rachel nodded her head sadly and reached up to wrap her arms around his neck, hugging him. He did not move to hug her back and she did not expect him too, but she wanted him to know that she still cared about him. With that, she flashed him a small pain-filled smile and turned to walk out of the room.
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Authors Note: The next chapter will have Quinn talking to Santana and Brittany and of course some Faberry interaction. :) I hope that y'all like this chapter and I will update soon! Please leave me reviews if you want me to update fast!
Thank you all for reading! Love you guys! :)
-Tracy Cook
