Hi again, thanks for all the wonderful reviews! Here's another chapter for you all, enjoy!


Chapter 12

Numb

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When you're at the end of the road
And you lost all sense of control
And your thoughts have taken their toll
When your mind breaks the spirit of your soul
Nothing's ever built to last
You're in ruins…

21 Guns, Green Day


December 6th 2000

John looked at Dean's sleeping form sadly. Last night Dean had finally woken up. It had not been the peaceful joyous moment that John had been waiting for. Nurses had had to be called in to sedate Dean because he had become so agitated and combative.

He and Bobby had been watching the TV, still not talking to each other, when Dean had suddenly woken up, sitting up straight in his bed yelling for Sam.

When he couldn't find Sam among the faces surrounding him he had asked where Sam was and why he wasn't there with them. John couldn't answer Dean's question and Dean had taken it in the worst way, throwing his covers off and pulling the I.V. from his hand, trying to rip off the tubes and machines still connected to his body.

Bobby's quick thinking was rewarded that moment when he came back to the room, having slipped out unnoticed, a doctor and several nurses right behind him. The nurses had all worked together to push Dean back onto the bed while the doctor had administered a strong sedative to Dean. Within seconds Dean was out. The nurses had reconnected the I.V. and all the machines before finally leaving the room in silence.

The doctor had stayed behind and told them that while Dean was well on the road to recovery that he couldn't afford to have a repeat f that night's incident.

Looking at Dean now, it was hard to imagine him as he had been last night. It had been scary. Dean had looked every bit a crazed mental patient as he had sought for his brother and answers why he wasn't there. It was as if Dean knew that Sam was in trouble.

John wouldn't think twice if that were the case. From the day that Sam was born, Dean always seemed to know when he was in trouble. More than often it was Dean who righted whatever trouble Sam had gotten himself into.

John only hoped that Dean would be able to help get Sam out the latest trouble he had found himself in.


When Sam woke up again, it was to a fully lighted room. Sitting patiently beside him was the old man. Surprised, Sam sat up and backed himself as far as he could against the wall in an effort to put some space between them.

"I've been waiting for you to wake Sam," the old man said.

Sam's heart was racing. Now that he had his memories to draw from, he knew who he was dealing with.

"What do you want?" Sam asked, trying to sound commanding but failing miserably.

"I want you," the demon said simply.

Sam looked from the demon to the door. There was no way the demon would let him escape so easily.

"Ever wonder about why I killed your mother?" the demon asked, revealing that he knew that Sam had gotten his memories back. "I know you have."

Sam looked at the demon not saying a word.

"She didn't have to die that night," the demon informed him. "She knew that I would be coming, I told her not to interrupt, but what did she do? She tried to stop me. We had a deal. She broke it, so she had to die."

Sam shook his head viciously.

"She wouldn't ever deal with the likes of you!" he shot back.

The demon tutted.

"Ah, but how would you know?" the demon taunted, "You never knew the woman. She was quite the hunter in her own right, feisty."

Sam's eyes widened as his mother's background in hunting was revealed.

"When I broke your father's neck, she was only too willing to deal with me," the demon revealed. "You should be thanking me that your father lived. Without me, you and your brother would never have been born."

Sam couldn't find the words to say to that. Maybe the demon was lying. But then again, his dad had always told him that demons always based their lies on some sort of truth. It was why they were so tricky to deal with.

"You're lying," Sam said finally.

The demon leaned back in his chair and crossed his arms.

"Why would I come up with such a tale?" the demon said with a self satisfied smile. "I knew that any child that that woman would have would be special."

Sam looked away from the demon. He knew the demon was trying to get under his skin with his words. He had to be strong, no matter how worthless he felt. If he had to fake it, then that's what he would do.

"Why do you need me so much?" he countered.

The demon lifted the corner of his mouth up in a small smile.

"That is for me to know and you to find out…if you can" the demon said, enjoying how much his words were frustrating the boy in front of him.

Sam narrowed his eyes at the demon.

"I won't do it," Sam said resolutely. "Whatever it is you need me for, I won't do it."

The demon tutted again.

"You're so sure are you?" the demon started laughing. "Did you ever wonder why your dad seemed to treat you so differently from your brother?"

Sam frowned at the mention of his father.

"Sorry, did I hit a sore subject there?" the demon laughed again. "You're father knew you were different, tainted."

Sam shook his head.

"You know I speak the truth," the demon said. "You always knew you were different from the other kids, from your brother."

"You want to know what I did to you that night in the nursery?" the demon said leaning forward. "You want to know why bad things always seem to happen to you and your family?"

Sam took a deep breath. Did he really want to know?

"I fed you my blood that night," the demon said proudly. "My blood flows through your veins Sam, demon blood."

A look of revulsion came over Sam's face.

"I marked you as my own that night," the demon continued. "You can never escape me; I will always be able to find you and I will make you do my bidding."

"You are mine."


"I'm coming with you!" Dean shouted.

"You're staying here with Sammy!" John shot back.

Dean was standing in the far corner of the room watching the scene before him unfold. It was strange watching himself talk to his dad, but here he was.

"What could possibly happen to him here?! This place is practically a ghost town!" Dean reasoned.

Dean walked over to himself. He remembered now. This was the day they had left Sam to go on that wild goose chase of a misguided hunt.

"Don't argue with me!" dad threatened.

Dean turned away from his dad and toward the window. From the angle he was standing at, he could see that Sam was standing just outside the door, his hand paused in mid air toward the door handle, listening.

"I can't stay here dad," Dean said suddenly. "I need a break."

"A break?" dad said irrediculously, "From what?"

"Don't say it," Dean said muttered, looking at himself loathingly. "Don't-"

"Sam."

"He's your brother Dean-"

"He's your son."

Outside, Dean watched heartbroken as Sam's mouth dropped open in shock. Sam eyes were downcast and his back slumped in defeat. How could he have said those hurtful words about his own brother who he loved more than anything else in the world?

"Admit it dad," Dean said. "You can't take it either, that's why you're so eager to leave, and right before thanksgiving no less."

He watched as Sam's hand dropped from the door handle.

"What sort of thanksgiving were you expecting?" his dad asked. "It's a pipedream, nothing more Dean. This family is falling apart."

Dean looked on as Sam's head snapped up. The thought came to him that Sam was probably waiting for Dean to defend him. He cringed as he realized how the conversation had gone. He had not defended his little brother in any way.

"You really think that?" Dean stated.

"We're just too different," his dad said. "You and me, we're a team, but Sam…"

Dean sighed heavily and closed his eyes. He knew what came next.

"I know," Dean said.

When he had said those words, he had meant that he understood how different Dad and Sam were, but looking at it from Sam's point of view he saw how painful those words would have been to hear.

"Please don't leave me here," Dean pleaded.

Dean watched as Sam cringed at hearing him beg. He never begged for anything.

"I have to make sure he's safe Dean, even if he doesn't care about what we do for him, at least until he's eighteen, then he's free to risk his own life for all I care."

Dean looked up at his father. How could he say such a thing? Did he know how that had sounded? Had he meant to sound like he was taking care of Sam out of a feeling of grudging obligation, not fatherly love? Did his dad even love Sam like a father should?

He walked over behind himself.

"Screw you," Dean said.

Finally, words that he agreed with. He watched himself turn around and walk right through him. He followed himself out the door and into Sam.

"Dean I-"

"Save it Sammy," Dean said shaking his head as he went over to his car.

He wanted to punch himself in the face for treating Sam that way. What had Sam done to deserve such callous treatment? He watched Sam's eyes fill with hurt before Sam turned and walk right through him and into the room behind him.

Suddenly the scene before him faded into black. The next thing he knew he was opening his eyes to a view of a white ceiling.

Confused, he looked around himself for any clues as to where he was. With a sharp intake of breath he remembered. He was in a hospital and Sammy was not here.

"Dean," a voice to his left said. "You're awake."

It was his dad.

He looked away. Bobby was sitting on the other side of his bed.

"Where is Sam?" Dean asked.

"You have t keep calm Dean," his dad spoke from the other side of the bed. "We can't have what happened last night happen again."

Dean turned to his dad.

"I'm calm, now answer my question," he said commandingly. "I know something is wrong."

He looked at his father who looked away.

"Bobby?" he asked, turning to face him. Bobby crumpled under his pleading gaze.

"We don't know where he is Dean," Bobby answered solemnly. "We tried Dean, we tried to find him and we did, but he…" Bobby paused unwilling to finish the sentence.

"He what?" Dean asked "He what, Bobby?!"

"He didn't want to come with us," John said.

Dean turned to his dad.

"It's a long story…" his dad trailed off.

"Tell me everything!" Dean ordered. "You sit here looking guilty as hell; tell me what happened to my brother!"

"Dean," his dad said reaching over and clasping Dean's hand between his own hands. "I am guilty as hell as far as I'm concerned."

He stared at Dean's hand before continuing.

"All I ask," he said looking up at Dean with pleading eyes, "Is that you not speak until I'm done."

He swallowed.

"I won't blame you if you decide that you don't want anything to do with me afterwards, but just promise that you will do everything in your power to save Sammy, ok? Promise me."

Dean took a deep breath and nodded.

"I need to hear you say it," his dad said, eyes boring into Dean's. This was serious.

"I promise," Dean said.

John nodded.

Dean could only hope that what he was about to hear wasn't as bad as he had a feeling it would be.

In the end, it was so much worse than he could ever have imagined.


"You are mine."

Sam seethed at the words. He hated the thought of being owned by anyone, let alone the demon that had ruined his family's life. With all the facts present before him, he had been seriously thinking in the darkness left behind in the wake of the demon's exit hours before.

He had gone over everything in his mind from the earliest memory he had. He went through his childhood and through the past few weeks in particular.

He went over the weeks of taunts and lack of attention given to him by his family. He remembered the day that Dean and dad had left, the hurtful words spoken between all of them. He remembered the dreams he had had of what his family's life would have been like if he hadn't been born. He remembered feeling so alone and helpless.

Ever since then, his life had gone completely upside down. The amnesia, the murders, the demon. It seemed he couldn't run away from the feeling of being alone even though surrounded by people. With his father out to get him and his brother dead at his hand, he couldn't help but think that they had gotten what they deserved and that if anyone was entitled to going dark with everything that had happened to him, it was him.

Yet he couldn't completely give himself to the darkness. Even among the bad, there was good.

He remembered the way his dad would always hug him whenever he returned from a hunt. His dad had made him feel so safe. He remembered Dean and the way he always was looking out for him, protecting him from the world, and his father, when the situation warranted it. He remembered the assurance Dean always gave him that everything would be alright so long as they were together.

Even though his family had treated him so horribly and had hurt him so badly, the memories of the good times kept him from going completely dark.

Part of his mind held to the hope that everything that had gone wrong in his family within the past few weeks had been caused by the demon; that what they had said and done weren't true reflections of how they felt about him. This part of his mind thought that maybe, just maybe, if he found his dad and let him explain that all the hurt feelings could be put to rest and they could move forward from there as best they could. But at the same time, this part of his mind was aware that demons based their lies on some grain of truth. There had to be some bit of truth in his family's feelings for that demon to have built his foundation of lies on.

All in all, there was one thing he knew. He hated that demon.

That demon had ruined his chance at having any semblance of a normal life. He had decided that he couldn't blame his mother for the decision that she had made. The demon had been responsible for his father's death in the first place. The demon had manipulated his mother into making a deal with him by targeting a person she was willing to die for.

He sighed. He felt so alone in all of this.

He thought of all the innocent people that had gotten killed in the demons efforts to control him. He thought of the two women and the hundreds of shooting victims. All of them had been had had their lives taken away all in the effort to test him, to see if he would just flip a switch and go demon on them like they wanted..

He couldn't let that happen again.

Even though he was anything but pure, he still had his morals; morals given to him by his family. He could at least honor the good things they had done for him even though in the end he wasn't worth it. He didn't know how he would kill the demon or if that was even was possible, but he had to do something to rid the earth of this evil.

Then he would rid the world of himself.

He was tainted and would never have a normal life. His continued existence would only result in the death of everyone around him. He attracted the darkness like a magnet. It would be selfish of him to want to live knowing that.

But before he could do that, he had to kill the demon. It was a tall order, and though death was what he wanted more than anything, especially after the demons revelations, it was something that he had to do before he could leave this world with a clean conscience. It was his way of trying to make up for all the evil that he had caused to those around him.

Once the demon was gone, and only then, would he give into the solitude that awaited him in death. It would be hard resisting the call, but he had to do it. There was enough evil in the world without adding the demon into the mix.


Leave," Dean said looking hard at his father. "Just go."

John stared at Dean for a moment and then nodded sadly. He stood up and solemnly walked out of the room.

Dean looked to Bobby and didn't even have to say a word as Bobby stood up and joined John in leaving the room.

Now alone, Dean sighed.

His father had told a tale that was worthy of the twilight zone, only it was completely and absolutely true.

Sammy had willingly gone with the demon that had killed their mother. Though they couldn't be sure, Sam had most likely participated and even lead the shootings just miles away.

On his dad's side of the action, he had failed to search for Sam when all clues were pointing to him being in trouble. By the time he had realized that, he was possessed by the demon and used to push Sam over the ledge that both he and his dad had led Sam to, into willingly joining the enemy.

He wasn't void of any blame either. His hurtful words and actions had probably made Sam feel even more alone than he most likely already felt. With his dad and brother against him, it was no wonder Sam had left. Maybe if he hadn't treated Sam the way he did and said those words, Sam never would have left in the first place.

Maybe.

But it was much too late to waste any time on the what If's. He had to act and he had no time to waste. Who knew what was happening with Sam now. The more time he took in finding Sam, the less the chance would be that he could save his little brother from the hole he had fallen into.

He didn't know where to start, but he couldn't stay here while his brother suffered.

He looked around himself until he fund the call button. Pressing it firmly, he waited as patiently as he could under the circumstances for the nurse to come to his call. He was an adult; his dad could not say anything about it. He was checking himself out of here one way or another, with or without the doctor's approval.

He would not be sequestered on the side lines any longer.


He rarely made mistakes. He was nothing if but precise. But this time, he had been blinded by his overconfidence into thinking that his plan would work. His overconfidence was built on many years of successful plans. But for all his experience and knowledge, he had failed to plan for the unpredictability that was Sam Winchester.

He would say it again, Sam Winchester was special.

Sam had not behaved as he had predicted. With his family rejecting him at every turn and even seemingly wishing death upon him, Sam had not given himself over completely to the darkness. He had done his best to take everything Winchester out of the boy, starting with his family, and worked his lowly magic on the boy, surrounding him with darkness and abandonment. He had done everything he could to make the boy believe that he was alone in the world.

He had thought that by showing up when the boy was at his lowest and offering him companionship and equality that the boy would only be too eager to join him and give himself up entirely to the cause of darkness. He had thought that the boy would be eager to prove his family wrong; to prove that he was better than they were; that he was everything they had thought he would never amount to.

Most of all he had thought that when provided the chance to take the ultimate revenge on his brother, that Sam would only be so happy to take advantage. Had he deluded himself so much into mistakenly thinking that Sam was acting according to his plan? Had he sunk so low as to look beyond the boy's failure to succumb to his temptations? Had he been only seeing what he wanted to see of the boy?

As he talked to the boy earlier he had seen into the boy's mind. He knew Sam had gotten back his memories. There was nothing he could do to reverse that. It just wasn't in his power to make people forget though he could do things with people while he possessed them without them remembering anything. He would have to tread carefully now and watch the boy's every move now that the boy had full memory of the supernatural world and how to deal with it.

He didn't understand how he could be so wrong. Any other person would have crumbled under what he had put Sam through. In fact, many others had, but not Sam. It was perplexing.

How could one boy, special as he was, go against the instincts and temptations of an age old demon?

Forget plan B. This boy was just too special to let go. He wanted this boy and he wanted him now. He was not going to let him go and wait for another suitable time.

He would not be waiting until Sam was more willing to follow because it was clear that that would never happen. He would just have to outwit the boy and trick Sam into doing his bidding.

It was low of him to resort to tricks but hey, he was a demon after all.