Detective Miller, LAPD-Retired

Had someone told me a few years ago I would be sitting at a wedding between Sharon Raydor and Andy Flynn, I would have laughed in his or her face. Raydor and Flynn. Yeah, that would have been a bet the entire LAPD would have taken. Quite honestly, I don't think anyone would have bet on Raydor getting married, period. Cops would have said she was incapable of loving, unable to act like a human. I would have agreed, did agree, that is, until our paths crossed now over six years ago. It's strange that in all her time in IA, I never really had to deal with her. Sure, I had to be interviewed by her for various things, but I wasn't a problem. I'm a good cop, through and through. She spent years in IA, and I stayed off her radar. No, my first encounter with Raydor, real encounter where I had to face her came her first day in Major Crimes. A lot of things have changed in the past six years. Here I am, sitting at Raydor and Flynn's wedding, on the bride side, nonetheless, and my son, the man I though who would grow into an honorable man and would someday attend his wedding, is sitting in prison. Raydor was a big part of that, yet, I'm here supporting her. My name is Detective Miller, LAPD, now retired, and I am proud to call Sharon Raydor a friend.

My son got mixed up with his friends and decided to commit a crime, not just a crime, but a string of crimes I was investigating at the time. His crime cost some of his friends their lives, and he was left to face the consequences. Never in my life did I think my own son would be a criminal, someone capable of doing such a terrible thing. Yet, he did and finally confessed to it. He's sitting in prison, most likely for the rest of his life, where he can no longer hurt others. Hurt others. Just the idea that the boy I raised, the loving sweet kid Greg had been, grew into a criminal almost kills me. My son, a veteran of the military, had disgraced himself and others. It makes it hard to get out of bed thinking about what his life has become. People make mistakes; I know that, and I believe Greg realizes he made a big one. I forgive him, but that doesn't mean I excuse what he did. It's taken me a long time to get to this point, to forgive my son while I still love him, but I am finally here. I realize I can still love my son even if he did something awful and even if I believe he needs to continue to pay for his actions.

Sharon, or Captain Raydor, as I've known her a long time, helped me with that. Yes, it's true. As I've come to know her all these years, I realize she's a kind and caring human being. She's a mother, a wife-or almost again, an ex-wife, a daughter, and a friend. She's a person just like everyone else. She's good at her job. Oh, is she ever good at her job, and that is what has made it so hard to see that she really cares. I realize it now and have the last few years, but the rest of the LAPD saw her as a cold, calculating woman who was determined to ruin lives. She's not that at all; she never was. She's always wanted the justice system to do its job, to serve justice for victims. Now that I'm looking at things from a different perspective, I see that. I see that she's a good cop, the best police officer in the LAPD in my opinion. She's done more for me that I could ever imagine, and I'm very thankful for the support she's been.

I wasn't fond of Raydor when I had to work with her over the years, even early on during the case, my son's case. I was asked to help the department in the apprehension of my son. That was a lot to swallow. She knew that. After the case, she had a lot to deal with too, as she'd been thrown into a new job herself. We briefly spoke after Greg had worked out his plea deal, not that there was much to tell; he was going to prison for the rest of his life. At the time, I didn't realize she'd also taken Rusty home with her, but that adds even more to her plate and really makes me respect her even more when she reached out to me a few days later.

She called me and asked if we could meet across the street for a cup of coffee. She didn't even suggest a coffee shop. I suppose she thought I might not have met her if she had. That almost sounded too formal, and she was smart enough not to suggest her office or the building cafeteria. It didn't take long in those few days for the gossip to spread through the building, that good old Detective Miller's kid tried to pull a fast one by robbing the places I was investigating. I saw all the stares, heard all the whispers as the decorated career I'd worked to establish was tarnished with my son's actions. Sharon reached out to me though. She asked to meet in an informal setting. I almost didn't go meet her, but there was something about the way she asked me to meet her, I did. I suppose some of it was curiosity, but she'd also been kind to me during the whole mess and made sure Greg had a decent deal, if there is such a thing for the crimes he'd committed. So, I went. I met her for a cup of coffee.

"Detective, thank you for meeting me," she stood and extended her hand to me in a handshake. She was formal and professional; she always had been with me. I shook her hand and looked to her with a bit of apprehension.

"Captain, I am not sure why I'm here," I told her. "I feel I'll never be able to apologize enough for the mess Greg created."

"I realize that," she nodded. "Let's get a cup of coffee, if you don't mind, and we can sit," she nodded to the benches where she'd just been sitting. I looked to the coffee cart a short walk away and nodded. Truth be told, since my son had been arrested, I hadn't slept and had been running on coffee. We walked, side by side, and I remember her heels clicking on the concrete. Even in the small city park, she was keeping things professional. She was dressed in her typical pantsuit and heels, the look the department expected from her.

"Two coffees," she said to the guy at the cart before I could even open my mouth. I think I was stunned, still thinking and overthinking everything. I started to move for my wallet, but she just quickly tapped my arm. "I've got it." I looked up to find her handing several dollar bills to the guy, and then she turned and offered me a cup of coffee.

"Thanks," I nodded and stepped to the side where I could add plenty of sugar. She didn't add anything to hers, but she waited until I was done with mine, and then we walked back to the bench. We sat, and only when I shifted to get comfortable, did she speak.

"Thank you for meeting with me. I know it's not easy, all of this with your son, Greg. I wanted to personally thank you for your help. I know that wasn't easy," she paused. "I know what you are going through is awful. Disappointment like that doesn't just go away."

I nodded and sipped my coffee, not sure what I wanted to say. I wasn't angry with her, but I know in that moment, my tone and words said otherwise, "No disrespect, Captain, but you have no idea what I'm going through right now. I am guessing you don't know what it's like to have a son arrested and on his way to prison. No disrespect, Ma'am, but you don't understand. I don't even know if you understand disappointment in children. Do you have any?"

She paused and gave me a straight-faced look, one that I couldn't read. She took a sip of her coffee and then she nodded at me in reply, "I have children, yes. I have a daughter and a son, both grown. You are right; I have not had to deal with a situation like this. I hope I won't ever, and I'm sorry you are in the situation you are, but I do understand disappointment. I understand dreams of the future being shattered, altered beyond repair. I understand being let down by someone you love, someone you put your faith into, and I understand wanting to crawl into a hole and never come out. That, I understand. I understand the actions of others putting a tarnish on your good name and career. I wanted to reach out to you today to thank you for doing the right thing, for being a decent and honorable police detective when I know you probably didn't want to do the right thing. I wanted to tell you that life will get better. It's not going to be easy for now, for awhile even, but it will get better. I can promise that."

I eyed her as I took another sip. I let things hang in the air a few moments before I spoke again, "What major disappointment have you had that could possibly compare to my story? I don't know anything about you, personally, I mean. What I've heard is rumor or just facts about your reputation. What makes you so sure things can and will get better?"

"Not many people know much about my personal life," she said looking to the ground. "I plan to keep it that way. I try to keep my private life private for many reasons, but I understand disappointment because my husband left me many years ago. Yes, I'm aware the department would have a field day if it was widely known. People do know, some people at least, but I've tried to keep my marriage disaster under wraps. I'm still married. Some might say I'm in denial about my situation, hoping my husband will come crawling back to me. He won't. Well," she paused and took a sip, "he will come crawling back, but it will be for money or a place to live. I'm not stupid. I'm just calculating and not dealing with him because that will only make me the talk of the LAPD right now. I don't need that. It's easier to just stay married and let him wander in and out of town. I had dreams, though, hopes for our future, and over the past two decades, I've watched those dreams fall apart. He gave me two wonderful children. I'll be forever grateful, just as you will be grateful for the things your son gave to you. He made you a dad. He might have played sports or something that was of interest to you. You have those memories of the Greg you loved, the Greg you can still love for what he was. I'm just here to tell you that things will get better."

I listened, somewhat surprised she'd reached out to me. She did have a point. I didn't know any of that about her life, and while her comparisons weren't exact, I did have to admit she'd had struggles in her life too.

"Well, I have to be honest," I started and looked to her. She was sitting there, legs crossed, looking at me. She was not irritated that I'd been almost rude to her; she was just there listening, waiting for me to speak. "I appreciate you reaching out to me. I'm surprised. I had a much different view of you, one I realize might not be accurate. I don't know what to say. I haven't known what to say. I'm disappointed in my son. He's ruined his life. I raised him better than that. He's ruined things, and he's embarrassed me. A cop doesn't want to send his own kid to prison. That's not what we do, but I have to do it. Right now, it's hard to believe it's going to get better."

"Believe me," she offered a small smile, "I do understand that. I remember getting up the morning after my husband first left. I was in denial still, hoping I'd find him passed out drunk on the couch. He wasn't there, and my heart felt like it stopped. It hit me then that I was alone, that he'd left me alone with two small children. I don't think I mentioned that, the fact that my kids were barely one and four, and my husband left. I'd heard the rumors about his cheating on me, and I'd even seen it with my own eyes, but nothing prepared me for the day he left. I had to pull myself together when I wanted to just close out the world. I wanted to let my kids just cry and cry without attention because I wanted to cry too. I wanted to scream from the rooftops that life wasn't fair, that I didn't deserve my lot in life. I wanted to tell my priest that I was a good person who just wanted a normal family. I wanted to do so much. What I didn't want to do, though, was to get up, get my kids dressed for the day, make them breakfast, and go to work. I didn't want to do that, but it's what I had to do; it's what I did. I got up. I got them ready for the day. I somehow pulled myself together and even left for work. I took my kids to daycare. I went to work, and the next day, I did the same thing. Life wasn't easy. There were days I wanted to give up. There were days I wanted to walk away too. There were times I wasn't sure I could pay the bills or be the kind of mom my kids deserved, but I got up every single day. It wasn't easy, but over time, things started to improve. It wasn't like my husband magically showed up at home. He didn't. It wasn't as if the bills went away or my kids needed less, quite the opposite, but life got better. I'm sitting here today telling you that I can't promise it's going to be better tomorrow or the next day, but it will get better."

I remember just listening and nodding. What she said hit me. During all of that, I'd finished my coffee, and as I stared at my empty cup, I just sighed and shook my head, "It's such a mess. I wanted so much more out of his life."

"I do understand. He's forever changed his life, but don't give up on him, even there," she told me.

"I'll never be able to forget what he's done. I just won't," I shook my head.

"I didn't say you had to forget it, or that you would ever forget it. I would say from my own experience, you have to learn to forgive. I'm still working on that myself, but that is what I want to do. I want to be able to forgive my husband. I'm not there yet, but I want to be. My priest helps me with that. I don't know if you have a religious background, but it helps me," she told me.

"Captain, I appreciate your time, you reaching out to me," I looked to her. "I really do. I know this is an embarrassment to the department."

"Detective, you did nothing wrong. You did the right thing. I am not here to judge you or place blame for the actions of your son. I just want you to know I'm here for you if you need anything. I appreciate honorable officers such as yourself. Not everyone would be willing to help law enforcement with the arrest of his son. I know I've kept you quite a bit today," she started to stand as did I before she continued, "but, if you need anything, please contact me." She handed me her card, then, and I glanced at it. Her job was still so new, her cards were the old ones. She noted I was looking at it, "Obviously, you know I have changed jobs. You know where to find me. Detective, I do hope things improve for you. I'll be thinking of you."

"Thank you, Captain," I said. I turned to her and stuck out my hand. I'd started out bitter toward her for no reason, for really doing her job, and she'd asked me here to reach out to me.

I left that meeting a bit stunned she'd reached out to me, but somewhat touched she had. I took that with me. I remembered her words, and as she said, I continued to go through the motions day after day. The circumstances didn't change my son was still a criminal, but the days did get easier. I found myself starting to laugh again at times. I found myself wanting to be around others, to live again. I found myself even thinking about the good times with my son.

I didn't see Captain Raydor for a couple of months, partly because after Greg's mess, I decided to retire, and the next time I did see her, it was late one evening at a diner. Quite honestly, I was surprised to see her at such a dive, seated in a booth with a teenage boy. The two were laughing, enjoying their meal. I had come in late, after a very long day. I'd been to see my son, and after hours on the road, I found myself at the diner not far from my old place. I ordered at the counter and turned to see her there. She caught my gaze, and she smiled and offered a small wave at me. I walked to her table, still not wanting to bother her.

"Captain, nice to see you," I nodded at her.

"Detective, it's been awhile," she smiled. "How are you?"

"I'm doing okay," I told her. "I'm taking one day at a time."

"That's all you can do. That's all any of us can do, isn't it Rusty?" I watched as she looked to the young man sitting across from her. I finally looked to him and saw he had a huge burger on his plate, an order of fries, and a milkshake in front of him.

"You keep telling me that," he shrugged. I looked back at the captain, and she made the introduction.

"Detective Lewis, this is Rusty Beck. He's my foster son," she gave me a warm smile. I remember raising my eyebrows at the mention of foster son. She continued to impress me.

"Nice to meet you," I told him and stuck out my hand to shake his. He shook mine and nodded. "I'd say you have a pretty good foster mom."

He glanced down at his plate and shrugged, "Aside from being around police officers all day, yeah, she's okay," he looked up at me. "Could be worse. It has been worse, in fact, so yeah, she's pretty cool."

I eyed her and saw her smiling at Rusty. She wasn't the cold, calculating person I'd thought she was all those years in FID. She was a good person who wanted the best from people. She was a good mom who did love others. I turned to her, "I won't interrupt, but it was nice to see you," I told her. "I hope you are doing well."

"I am," she smiled. "My life has taken some turns, and things are good. I hope the same can be said for you."

That night, I just nodded. I really couldn't say a lot. I was still in the healing stage of my mess, really, I still am. I remembered her words from our first chat, to take one day at a time. I continued to do so, and it was almost a year later I ran into her again. This time, she was out to dinner again with Rusty, but she had Flynn with her too. That surprised me at first until I remembered he worked with her now on a regular basis.

"Captain, Flynn, and Rusty, right?" I asked as I walked by their table. I'd been out with a couple guys who lived on my street, guys I'd known for years, and as we were leaving, I happened to spot the trio sit at their table. They were at a small four-top table, and they were in the middle of eating, so I didn't want to bother them.

"Detective," she smiled at me again. "You are looking well. Nice to see you. It's been awhile."

"Same to you, Captain," I nodded. "Working late?" I gestured toward the table, mainly the fact that Flynn was sitting there with them.

"Tonight?" I saw her glance at the guys and back at me, a bit of surprise on her face before she shrugged and continued, "No, we are just out for dinner. It was Rusty's pick. He spared us the greasy burgers. The vegetarian here," she nodded to Andy, "and I are thankful for that. Thankfully, we've had a rather quiet day at the office."

I nodded, but I turned toward Flynn when he spoke, "Lewis, how is everything? It's been awhile, over a year since everything went down."

I looked to him, "Yeah, it's been almost a year and a half now with everything. Holidays are coming up soon. Some days are better than others. I've got some good friends who are helping me through it. Retirement is different, but it was time for me to go. It's strange I've been officially retired almost a year now."

"You know, no one things differently of you for what your kid did," Flynn told me. I just gave a small nod. The captain, or Sharon, changed the conversation.

"Hmmm, good friends are very important. That's one of the best things you can do, surround yourself with good, caring friends who will be there for you through anything," I saw the captain look at Flynn. He nodded, and I got it then, that the two were friends.

"That's what I'm working on now. You enjoy your evening," I told them. "Nice to see you."

It had to have been at another two years later, maybe longer when I ran into Sharon and Flynn again, this time at one of the police charity events after the holidays. I hadn't been to one since I'd retired, but some buddies of mine convinced me to go with them. It felt good to be around cops again, and I found myself enjoying the evening. I saw them before they saw me, and it was very evident they were together. He had his arm around her back, and she was almost tucked into his side. Right before they spotted me, I saw him lean over and kiss her head. I watched as she smiled up at him. Then, she glanced around, and that's when I made eye contact with her. I offered a small wave, and she gestured to Flynn, and the two made their way toward me.

"Detective," she smiled as they approached. I nodded to them, "Captain, Lieutenant," I said with my professional greeting at a professional event. I'd seen Flynn plenty of times and knew he didn't really care about his title, but I was trying to be respectful. "It's Sharon, please," she said, especially since you are retired. "We just want to be Andy and Sharon tonight."

I chuckled, "Hard to do that at a police benefit."

"True," she chuckled too. Flynn did as well.

"Pardon if I'm overstepping, but you two?" I gestured between them. It was shocking to see them together.

"Yeah, we're dating, have been for quite some time. We are waiting to see who has a heart attack first," Flynn chuckled and shook his head. I saw her roll her eyes as she glanced at him. "What?" he asked. "How many people tonight have had their jaw about hit the floor as they watched us together? Plenty," he nodded.

"Detective, remember when I told you things get better?" Sharon or the captain, or Sharon, whatever I was supposed to call her said.

"I take it your life has improved a great deal?" I asked as I shook my head.

She gave a small shrug, "Life throws us a lot of curves. Even this," she reached over and took Flynn's hand, "we had some health scares over the last few months, but even this is worth it. I do hope your life is improving."

"It is, day by day," I nodded. "I'm learning I need to forgive, as you said too."

"Hmm, I remember that, and I finally got to the point where I did forgive. It took me a long time. Andy knows that," she looked up at him. "He's been my rock, and he listened to all of my thoughts over these past few years. It hasn't been easy, but he's been here for me. I was finally able to forgive my ex-husband and close that chapter. It doesn't change the man is still a snake," which I glanced toward Flynn when I heard him start to chuckle quietly, "but, I've forgiven him and have moved on. It's worth it. All of it, everything I went through, was worth it to get to here."

We briefly talked more, before agreeing to get together for a meal, and then I watched the two walk away. Raydor and Flynn-the odd couple, but it worked. I could see it. I do see it. We did get together. We have a couple of times now. It's funny that we've become friends through the mess my son created. So, when I received a wedding invitation, I was both surprised and not surprised at all. I was happy for her, for them. I realized her life was where it was meant to be after all the years. Sitting here today, I see proof that life can get better. It's almost hard to envision Sharon, the strong police captain, as a single mom wanting to throw in the towel, but I know everyone has moments. I've had mine, and while I am saddened at what has happened to my son's life, I've come to accept it for what it is. I won't be going to baseball games with my adult son or holding grandchildren, but I'm working through that. I'm making peace with the changes in my life, his life. I love my son. I realize that. I love him even though he made some horrible decisions that have changed his whole life. I've decided to not follow in that path; I'm going to focus on making sound decisions that will help me in life. It's all I can do.

Today is one day. I'm taking one day at a time, and right now, I'm delighted to be a guest at this wedding. Six years ago, a very kind police captain reached out to me in my time of need. From that, I've gained a lifelong friend, and I'm very happy her life is now everything she wants it to be.