1996
Sara couldn't stand to be in the same room as Jack. Her own grief is more than enough for her to deal with. She can't deal with his as well.
Charlie is dead.
Jack sits on the bed rocking back and forth. He can remember the last thoughts of Charlie. He'd died confused. He'd died longing for life.
And Jack knew that it was all his fault. His damn gun. His son was dead because of him.
Sara stays far away from him. Because she blames him too. And she doesn't want him to know. She doesn't want to make his guilt worse.
She brings him soup. He hasn't eaten in two days. She doesn't really expect him to eat now.
He's thinking about killing himself.
She kneels before him, and presses her forehead against his. She doesn't want him to miss a single world of what she is thinking.
"Please, Jack, don't. I love you. I love you so much, and we're going to be alright. We'll work through this."
But all he hears is her gut wrenching grief. The horrifying scene of her bloody son that hasn't fully been removed from her consciousness since it happened.
"I can't lose you too," Sara sobs.
Jack takes her in her arms to rock her. To try to comfort her. But she can read his thoughts too. He doesn't really want to live. He is going to try. For her. But he isn't sure he can.
And without his son, he can't manage to care about anything.
Not even her.
And she's not sure if she can forgive him for that.
Even if he starts to care for her again, as she is sure he will, if he survives.
He was selfish enough that he was willing to put her through another round of guilt when this wound was so fresh, and so painful.
-0-0-0-
He was supposed to be out of the Air Force. She thought he'd never be cleared to serve again. He never should have been cleared to serve, but apparently they didn't require a psychological evaluation for this mission.
He was pretty sure he was going to die on it.
She hoped he was just seeing things that weren't there.
"Don't go, Jack," she pleads again. She's hoping that her words will save him. But she really doesn't think it's going to be the case. Why should she think she can save her husband? She couldn't save her son. She's useless.
"I'll take care of you," he says, kissing her. He's thinking that this is better than suicide. That at least this way, she'll get the survivor's benefits.
For a while he comes back every night, alive. It's more than she could hope for. Then, without warning, he doesn't come home. She waits the first night, and waits the second night.
Then she decides that she can't wait anymore. She isn't going to sit around and wait for the body bag.
-0-0-0-
They imported some genius linguist, and Jack is supposed to go meet him. When he enters the room, he knows immediately who it is. This is Daniel. The same genius kid who was terrified of his mind-reading years ago.
Jack is sure that this will be the end of his secret. Up until now, a few buddies in battle have figured it out, but that was it. And he didn't really mind that, because they weren't exactly out to turn him in. You don't do that to someone who saved your life. But he isn't sure if he can deal with everyone knowing. Especially at a place like the SGC. I mean, he could very easily get turned into some sort of experiment if word got out that he had special talents around here.
But the kid just looks at him, surprised, and keeps talking. Maybe the kid doesn't even now. But that seems sort of silly, because a decade has changed Jack a lot more than it changed the kid.
-0-0-0-
Daniel can feel that Jack has just entered the room behind him. He doesn't even hear a sound, Jack is after all a black ops soldier. He doesn't make sounds. But Jack carries with him this intense sadness just about chokes the life out of Daniel. Daniel has no idea what is causing this great sadness, and he doesn't really want to know. He's not sure he could survive sadness like that.
Jack wants to die. That thought oppresses on Daniel often. He hurt this man. True, that was years ago, and he's almost positive that isn't the reason for the suicidal thoughts. The reason has to do with loss - with death - he is sure. But still, he hurt a man who wants to die.
He has to find a way to make that right.
-0-0-0-
"I don't want to die! Your men don't want to die! It's a shame that you are in such a hurry to!" Daniel's words make it through the fog of Jack's brain and into his skull.
Charlie didn't want to die.
Life was this beautiful, precious thing, and Jack was just going to throw it away.
The boy, Daniel, smiles at him. Thoughts bounce between the two of them, quite by accident. But it's a good sharing. Daniel knows everything. He knows about Charlie, and Sara, and more classified mission screw-ups than even Sara, all in a split second.
And Daniel is still looking at Jack like he's a human being. He still wants Jack to live.
The kid who rejected him years ago is accepting him now, now that he's seen the blood on his hands. Jack figures if a miracle like that can happen, he might as well live.
-0-0-0-
Sara is gone. He knows it before he even walks into the house. The whole time that they have lived in this house together, it has been full of Sara. Now, for the first time ever, it is empty of her thoughts, her feeling, and her presence.
He can't face it. He has nothing left.
Back on Abydos, he decided that he had to live. That it wouldn't be right to force her to face another loss.
And now she has faced him with loss. Not as bitter or a painful a one as death, especially death that he chose. But it's a bitter and painful enough.
Jack is crushed beyond belief. But he knows that he can't choose to stop living. He has to live for Charlie. Charlie got cheated out of enough years, it wouldn't be right for Jack to cheat himself out of some years as well.
