Chapter Twelve: Break It Slow
September 14, Sunday, 3:00 PM
"Toushirou."
Ignore him.
"Tou. Shi. Rou. Toushirou? Hey, Toushi. Shirou? Toushi-kun? Toushirou!"
Fuck, it's impossible.
"Go fucking find someone else to bother, Shiba," Toushirou growls, not bothering to look at his roommate, as he flips a page of the book that he's reading. Now what is up with this idiot Kaito? He's been getting in his hair for almost two days now.
"What are you reading?"
Toushirou nearly snorts, hearing the innocence held on his roommate's voice. Shiba Kaito is a lot of things, but innocent is not one of them. "None of your business," he answers, while he tries to understand a certain passage in the book.
"That's rather a strange title for a book," Kaito says, the mock seriousness of his tone unchecked, "Why don't you go out and have some fun once in a while, instead of letting yourself rot here while reading that None of Your Business book? You can play video games, can't you?"
Forbearance dwindling, Toushirou turns to stare darkly at his roommate. He definitely has the shortest fuse when it comes to this guy. "Yes, I can, and yes, I know who Vorarlberna is, and he was my classmate on middle school, but no I am never going to play soccer again just because you think that brat wants to see me back to the field. And Christ, Shiba, I am not going to the arcade with you just to play video games," he answers, not amused.
Really? Kaito has been going on about the same thing and asking the same questions over and over since Friday night when he came back to their dorm. He told Toushirou about how he met Yukio in the arcade, and how he thought the guy wanted to see him back to the soccer field again and it was the reason why Yukio continued to play; he was waiting for Toushirou to come back and put an end to their unfinished battle—Toushirou wasn't even aware that he has unfinished battle with someone else in the first place.
And then, Kaito asked how Toushirou and Yukio have known each other, and if Toushirou was really that good in video games, and if there would ever a chance they could go to the arcade together to play.
Of course, Toushirou answered him rather snippily then. It wasn't as if he had another choice because Kaito was so pestering him that night.
What more? Kaito repeated everything, as in every single thing, to him yesterday in the morning. As if he had already forgotten, he harped about it again in the afternoon. And, surprise, he's on it again. Overzealous? An understatement.
Toushirou just can't make a head or tail of his roommate's train of thoughts. He doesn't know if Kaito has some terrible case of sporadic amnesia (if that thing even exists), or he's only trying to live up to the role as the bane of Hitsugaya Toushirou's life. Actually, the latter makes a lot more sense than the former.
Kaito looks at him, blinking, apparently surprised by the answer. But, the expression doesn't last long, and Kaito pouts. "You're no fun, Toushirou."
A phone ring arrests any possible answer to the statement. Toushirou turns back to what he's reading just as Kaito dives on his bed to reach for his phone.
"Really, you're so immature," Toushirou grumbles, glancing at his roommate who only sticks his tongue to him before answering the call.
"Hello, Yuzu."
Toushirou was in no way going to eavesdrop, but his interest piques as soon as he hears the name of Kaito's supposed girlfriend.
"Whoa, that's nice! And, oh, I'm fine. How about all of you there?"
Kaito sounds excited. It's a shame that Toushirou can't hear the person on the other line.
"I'm cool, Yuzu. Seriously you worry so much about me... Heh, I miss you too..."
Are they damned flirting over the phone? Seriously?
Why do you care? Are you jealous?
Toushirou mentally curses, while he pretends to read the book.
Kaito laughs. "Seriously, Yuzu, you just have to bring that up now. But it's been a long time since we last did that, right? Not even before I left. I also miss us sleeping together."
Shocked by what he just heard, Toushirou drops the book. His mind reels, as it tries to process the information. Kaito slept with a girl. What. The. Hell. What the hell! He's just seventeen!
Honestly, what does it matter to you?
He immediately blows the thoughts to hell, while he picks up the book and puts it back on his table. He doesn't open it again, thinking it's no use if he can barely focus.
Maybe he just misinterpreted everything? The drawback of overhearing things which are not meant for your ears.
"Ah, oh yeah? Then how did it go?" There's a long pause before Kaito speaks again. "Oh, I see. I'm sorry." His voice suddenly takes a one-eighty degree turn. "I know, but... I still feel guilty." He sighs. "Look, I'll just call you later, Yuzu. Bye."
Kaito thrusts his phone in his pocket, stands up and, without even looking at his roommate, he mutters, "I'll just walk outside, Toushirou." The look on his face doesn't go unnoticed as he steps out.
Toushirou stares at the door, confused by his roommate's sudden change of mood. What's that all about?
•нιтѕυкαяιи•
9:20 PM
Tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap.Toushirou frowns as he glances at the clock on his study table, his hands unconsciously moving faster, making the continuous sound louder at each passing second. Tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap.He blinks when his retractable pen finally busts, fragile thing unable to last from the light strikes against the hard material; its point and spring flying in opposite directions.
With the thing already broken, he stops tapping his pen on the table. Impatiently, he casts another glance at the clock, roughly exhaling, just as the time shows nine thirty-one. He angles his head towards the door's direction, anxiousness seeping into him as the door remains still.
Where in the world is that troublesome idiot? It's getting late, and he still hasn't come back since he left this afternoon.
Oh, someone's really worried.
His expression turns bleak at the last thought. Shut up, mind.
Catching a glimpse of the sci-fi book that he'd been reading this afternoon, he reaches for it and wills himself to read, just so he can distract himself from thinking about his roommate who has yet to arrive. However, minutes have passed and he still hasn't got past a paragraph in the story. He continues to stareat the words, mind not even able to fully recognize the characters, until he comes to accept the fact that what he's doing is totally pointless. One can't be forced to enjoy something if the heart is not on it. With that, he gives up and throws the book to the corner of the table.
He tilts his head, leaning on the back of his chair, as he thinks that his roommate has been coming back late to their dorm these past few days. It's not that he cares about what Kaito has been up lately, but if something bad happens to him, Toushirou will sure take responsibility since he is Kaito's roommate, not to mention, his senior. Troublesome as the guy is, Toushirou has to look after him. After all, it's one of the major duties of a member of Student Disciplinary Squad to watch for their fellow students.
He looked upset when he left after he received the call. I wonder if he is fine.
Worried.
Weary, Toushirou allows his mind to have those unnecessary thoughts, having not enough strength to argue against the stupid voice, and closes his eyes, letting the silence lull him into sleep. Soon, the world around him disappears to temporary abandonment.
"Toushirou! Are you alright?! Why did you do that, idiot?! I thought you're smarter than that!"
Is it weird? Is it weird that, this time, he's fully aware that he's only dreaming, yet he doesn't mind at all?
"H-hey... A-answer me... Are you a-alright? You shouldn't have stepped in..."
Is it weird to feel like he wants to stay on this illusion? Just so he can stare longer at her? At this beauty, at this goddess? His goddess?
"W-why did y-you still do that?"
Even just for this short period, he wants to suck up everything about this dream.
"D-do you hear m-me, Toushirou?"
Just so he can escape from reality. Just so he can stay clear of his tangled feelings for a certain someone back to the real world.
"Toushirou, answer me please..."
Because ironic as it sounds, he feels like all foggy notions illuminate in this place. It's like no puzzle is hard to piece together. With her. With his mysterious girl. With the biggest riddle of his life itself.
It's a fool's paradise, he knows, but even just for the time being... he wants to live the life in the memory that even he considers a hallucination.
"Hey, T-Toushirou, d-don't... Toushirou! Toushirou!"
He wants to forget about that guy. He wants to be with this girl. God, he badly wants her to be real.
"Toushirou!"
So for the first time since he first had the dream, he does something to betray the unchanging script of this fantasy. He refuses to close his eyes and return to reality, like what always happens. He wants to stay with her. He wants to touch her face to look at it better. He wishes that the night will end in this dream, because the light from the stars are not enough to show her absolute beauty.
He wants to memorize every line of her facial feature. He wants to know if he knows her in real life, if he has even seen her before...
...but the shadows won't allow him to have it his way.
His hand shoots up suddenly, reaching to touch the side of her face. She feels warm as if she's even real; the sign of life making his pulse go so much alive as well.
'I want to know you. I want to know who you really are.'
"Uhm... uh, T-Toushirou?"
He looks straight at those dark eyes, noticing how beautiful they really are. He is mesmerized by the shine they hold, like the stars winking at him in the dark.
His gaze goes down then, stopping to look at the pair of slightly pursed lips. They are close to him, too close that he can almost kiss them if he moves his head a little forward. He focuses on the bottom lip, noting how it's fuller than the other. He wants to...God, he wants to bite it.Here. And now.
"Ehem... Uh, Toushirou? Are you fully awake now?"
That finally pops the bubble that kept him confined within a spell. His gaze darts back to the person's eyes, and he freezes when he comes back to his senses at last. He notices his hand touching the person's cheek, explaining the warmth he's feeling against his palm. As if it's on fire, he quickly withdraws his hand, and looks at him, the alarm going off in his head. "S-shiba?"
Kaito leans away from him, and gives a wan smile. "I'm sorry for getting that close again," he tells him softly, "I was just really worried. I noticed that you have always been dreaming, and I hope they're not... I mean, you're not having nightmares, are you?"
Mind still swirling from panic, Toushirou goggles at him. He shakes his head, whether to answer Kaito's question or try to get rid of any uncalled-for thoughts. "No," he whispers, lowering his head to stare at the floor, his brows folding in sudden confusion, "Just the constant dream I have."
"Are you sure you're alright?"
The hint of worry in Kaito's voice surprises and scares Toushirou at the same time. No, that's enough. Just stop showing that you care a lot.He's almost afraid to look back at his roommate, afraid to see that his expression holds the same emotion as his voice has. He just can't risk the little attachment to rationality that still remains to him.
This is getting worse everyday. This has to stop. He really needs to do something about it now.
He rubs his face with both hands, pausing only to grasp his head and some of his hair, as he bows; his elbows resting on his study table.
"Shiba," he mutters without moving from his stance, voice hoarse that it almost sounds like a growl. He sighs and brings his head to stare at anything but Kaito. He doesn't want to look at him, not when he's very sure that he's staring at him with those eyes, full of emotions. And not especially when he knows his next words will certainly knock the brilliance out of those said eyes. "Is there a chance that you can request to be moved to a separate room?"
The silence that follows is dead awkward, a biting atmosphere in fact. Toushirou is aware that his question blew Kaito really hard, but he didn't know how to lessen the weight of his words. And, neither can he simply fall back now. "But it's fine if you want to stay in this room, I'll just be the one to move if that will be the case. We're... we're better off away from each other."
He chances a look at Kaito and instantly regrets the decision because Kaito just appears like his heart has just sunk; he is crestfallen. Toushirou's first instinct is to look away for he can't bear to see the hurt in his roommate's expression, but his mind refuses to give the order for the action. So he remains staring, painfully affected on how Kaito's eyes lost their stars, and lets the guilt sock him good.
"Am I really that annoying that you badly want to get rid of me?" Kaito's voice is too soft that it almost passes unheard, but the disappointment is too distinct that it's hard not to notice. Even his smile is frail; just a bit more push and it will be done in. It's a broken sight that wounds Toushirou more than it should have, but it's not a damage that he can readily repair. "Look, Toushirou. I'm sorry if I've been persisting you to play soccer again, but I just can't give up on you. I'm sorry if I'm being a nuisance because of it. I'm sorry if all I'm able to do is to pester you. I'm sorry if I am so annoy—"
"No! That's not it, Shiba!" Toushirou snaps, unable to stand hearing the apologies tumbling out of Kaito's mouth. He needs not to apologize, because it's not even his fault; the sudden realization making Toushirou pause to think, only then does the whole thing dawn upon him. It sounds unlikely but it's the truth. Kaito isn't the whole reason; he's just Toushirou's excuse to lie to himself. "You're annoying, yes. Most of the times. But... but, it isn't as if I haven't encountered worse. The problem is not really you. It isn't all about you. It's just... I don't know. It's about me."
Right, it's been about himself all along. It's all about his feelings.
"At least, let me know the whole reason, Toushirou. Don't give me that blanket statement." A firm bid or a gentle plea; either way Toushirou can't simply comply with it.
He avoids Kaito's stare, as he breathes, "It's a problem that only I can solve, Shiba."
None of them speaks afterward, the silence only punctuating the uncomfortable atmosphere. Toushirou shifts his eyes then, his gaze falling to the clock on his table, reminding him of the reason why he was so irritated and impatient earlier. "Where have you been anyway?" he asks, hoping that it's enough to change the subject.
"If I ask why you even care, are you going to give me the answer, Toushirou? Or are you just going to say that it's a reason that only you can understand?"
Toushirou jerks, head darting back to where Kaito is, eyes wide, showing his barefaced surprise. The questions sniped him right, a bullseye if he's going to be honest.
"Don't worry, I'm going to ask Kyouraku-san to move me to another room first thing tomorrow," Kaito whispers, the usual glee of his voice replaced by aloofness.
Before Toushirou can talk back, Kaito turns away. He enters the washroom and slams the door, probably to show how disappointed he is—after all, he already seemed upset this afternoon, and Toushirou just had to rub salt to the wound.
Dumbstruck, Toushirou stares at the closed door of the washroom. He had already expected Kaito to not take it lightly. He was ready for the reaction. What he didn't look forward to is the possible effect of everything to himself. He never knew that Kaito's iced-cold behavior would come like a sharp slap on his face.
That is when the thing he's been dreading to realize finally springs. He doesn't want to hurt Kaito. He doesn't want to push him away.But what else can he do? The feeling is not something that he can accept. Wherever he looks at it, it's just not right for him.
That is why in the end, he was left with the only option of shattering it. It was the right thing to do, regardless if he also shattered a part of himself and a part of Kaito.
