Part 12

Joey's POV

I go down the stairs, my steps heavy; my eyes can barely see; I feel so tired. What the hell is wrong with me? I have this feeling that I screwed up everything in my life right now. Everything started to crumble around me today. First Carter. What started as simple friends with benefits was turning more and more complicated. He wants more, and honestly, I don't think I can give that. He wants to move in together. I want keep things the way they are. I have confidence and intimacy issues, he told me. Of course I have. Or do you think it's easy to trust a man like that after finding your husband, with whom you just got back from your honeymoon going down and dirty with one of your best friends, the girls who was your roommate during college and one of your bridesmaids? Damn you Eddie Doling and damn you too Audrey for doing that to me. Going back to Carter's issue. I like the guy, but moving in together…large step I'm not ready to take.

Then the second part of my brilliant day. I had lunch with Pacey. Each day that passes he's looking more and more like the boy I used to love and hate. I can tell he's healing, slowly but he is. And he also chose me as his confident. He started telling me about some nightmares he was having, but now they're fading away. He tells me about how great his wife was, how happy they were when Sam was born. I smiled and teased him about how much he liked a boy's name on a girl. And in the end, I realized I envied him. Despite the tragedy that came over him, he still can smile about his memories. While all I got are broken relationships and loneliness. Maybe I'm the problem here. Me and my inability to love and be loved. I have to face it…love really scares the hell out of me. So I close myself to the world. And I envy Pacey because he goes for it, no matter how many times he'll get his heart broken. And I can't do that. What should be as simple as the act of breathing for me is worse than Einstein's theories.

And of course...to end a big day I had to have this stupid fight with Dr. Romano. He was nagging me, saying those little sarcastical remarks during all surgery and I blew it out. I was tired, and I ended up standing up, calling him the male version of a bitch, what resulted on a two-day suspension. Great…exactly what I needed right now.

I'm so absorbed in my thoughts that the rush of the paramedics bringing patients in didn't bring me back from my self over analysis session. I entered the lounge wanting just a minute of peace, closing my eyes. I'm just so tired. I think about calling a friend, someone else to talk. I hear someone popping a head through the door, but I choose to ignore whoever is out there.

"Joey, you have to come immediately to Trauma 1. We need a surgeon there." Abby shouts, her voice shaking.

My sense of responsibility is stronger than all the tiredness I'm feeling. I follow Abby, who is almost running through the patients as we get there. To my surprise, everyone is looking at me, like waiting for my reaction. And when I check the patient lying there, I know why. It's a friend of mine, the girl who was my roomie as soon as I arrived in Chicago. We parted ways when I got my feet here, she stayed at Northwestern and I came to the County, but we managed to stay good friends.

"Oh, God, Chris, what happened?" I feel that I cried her name out loud, but no more than a whisper was heard. I hear someone telling me what's going on. I hear someone telling me that she had been raped and stabbed several times, one large cut in her chest demanding a surgeon to help there. I put on my gloves, avoiding looking at my friend's lifeless face. I have to do something; she can't go away like this, not Chris with her bright smiles.

"Give me a thoracotomy tray." My hands are shaking as I use the scalpel in my friend's chest. "Retractor" I hear the irritating noises of the machines that are helping to keep her alive. My vision is blurred...too much blood. Blood in my hands, in her chest. Her blood. "Suction" I can see her heart. The heart that consoled me so many times. It has a cut right there, blood flowing. Her heart that had been broken so many times, never really healed. "C'mon, girl, I know you can do it." Nothing. Her heart is just tired. I feel a hand on my shoulder and I know what I have to do.

"Time of death 23:34"

I run my hands through her hair…and suddenly I have to go away, I run, ignoring the looks, I have to go out, ignoring the cold November weather, I feel my stomach sick and I throw up, trying to release my sadness, my anger for the loss of a good friend.

Pacey's POV

I followed Joey outside. I knew exactly what she was feeling. It was the same when I was working and I saw my wife being brought to the room next to where I was working. When I asked for my daughter and they said that she was already dead. When I watched through the glass my co-workers fighting to bring Maggie back to life, trying to keep Bella with us when nothing else could be done to keep my wife alive. The pain that makes us numb. Then the inevitable questions, the looks, people telling you everything is gonna be all right. I still wonder when it will happen. Seeing Joey fighting to keep her friend alive brought back all the nightmare scenes I have deeply carved in my mind. I see her vomiting, I take a coat to warm her, and she tries to fight me when I hold her, but I slowly take her back to the lounge. She sits there and I don't say a word. I know she doesn't need words now. I leave her alone for a while, I have to go back, and the police officer wants to talk to Joey since she knew the victim. Victim. From a friend to crime statistics. I tell Joey that the police want to talk to her and she simply nods. Carter is not working tonight and I ask Dr. Weaver if I can stay with Potter and she allows me.

I sit beside her, intertwining my fingers with hers, noticing how small are her hands. She had that blank stare, no tears, telling in an emotionless voice that Chris had an abusive husband, who used to beat her and she had left him about two weeks ago. The officers seemed to be satisfied with her answers and left us. She looks at me and I know she needs to be alone for a moment. I go back to work, my thoughts still with her. I see her resting her head against the couch's arm, eyes closed, but I also know she's not sleeping at all.

In the morning, before leaving, I look for her and I see her outside the hospital, playing with a basketball, aiming angrily the ball against the wall. I know she's ready to leave and she's still not talking. I wonder if she talked to Carter when he arrived. I just look at her and ask if she wants a ride back home and she nods. She seems to have lost her ability to speak.

We ride back home in silence. Not a comfortable one, I might add. But I know she will come around when she is ready. I stop at Gretchen's to pick up Bella and not even the baby make her say a word. I walk her to her door before going to my own apartment. She pleads me with her eyes to come inside. I lay Bella down on her bed and she's standing in the middle of her living room with a picture in hand. It's hard to recognize the same lifeless patient we left at the morgue. I slowly put my arms around her and she lets the picture slip form her hands, burying her face in my chest, first tears and then sobbing. I let her cry how much she needs, enjoying the warmness of her body against mine, wishing that I could erase her pain. She lifts her head to say something, I get lost in her brown eyes, shining with tears. My hands go without my command to her face, cupping it; my thumbs wipe away her tears. She sighs, it's like we're under some kind of spell, her lips parting to finally say something and I silence her with a kiss.