Chapter 11: Hope
It wasn't completely dark. It wasn't cold or humid either. There was something notably more comfortable than bare floor underneath her and the atmosphere wasn't filled with the stink of ordure. Well, at least not as much. Madeline was slowly making it out of the state of utter numbness, and her senses weren't at focus yet, however the blunt pain in her chest was sorely clear. Adrenaline had eased it out before, but now she really felt how hurtful was what's been done to her. What 'he's done to her. Or maybe her own naivete had brought it upon her. Or was it the librarian with his advices and convincing talk?
The girl could blame really anyone and everyone, but she was too weak and just genuinely tired of all this. As if it hasn't been enough that her feelings were a mess, now her body was also a mess. It couldn't have gone any worse, could it? At least she was alive, the pain was enough of a proof.
She waited to gain back the control over her limbs, and bit by bit, she began to feel like herself again, not just some plastic integument. Sadly, when she thought about it, it was clear that she didn't really want to wake up yet. In the darkness she was safe, and here? It was impossible to tell what was awaiting her.
Trying to push away the anxiety, Madeline opened her eyes warily, and to her surprise, she wasn't laying abandoned in one of the tunnels, but in a secure, closed space lit subtly with candlelight. One couldn't really call it a room, it was more like a huge, wooden box, and it took her a while to finally state she was apparently inside the wagon she saw earlier. And as far as the girl could tell, it resembled a stage. There were two thick curtains folded to the sides, a parquet and some sort of machinery on the ceiling like in a theater, plus the old mattress Madeline was currently laying on, along with many props tossed carelessly onto the floor around.
The girl was still unable to move much, so she only scanned the surroundings blankly. The large wooden doors to on the right were surely closed. She wouldn't make it there anyway, for even sitting up seemed like a great effort. Getting up wouldn't be a good idea with a giant wound like hers. The wound!
Madeline attempted to check herself in panic, wondering why the hell hasn't she thought about it earlier, but what she found was quite... different from what she'd imagined. First of all, her chest had been tightly bound up with a dressing enveloping her like a corset. Same about the marked thigh. Second, her clothing changed. It was hard for her to believe at first, but she was wearing a dress. And not an ordinary one. Of course, it's been worn before, torn in certain places and not necessarily clean, but some time ago it must've been beautiful.
Simple, but very graceful, full sleeves, bodice cut elegantly with subtle ornaments around the cleavage, and skirt flowing down in a long, silky wave that covered even the tips of her toes. It's whiteness has given place to a slightly grayish color long ago, but even now the girl could feel how expensive the material was. However, nothing pleased her like the fact that it was warm and comfy. After all, anything was better than a ripped shirt and soaked skirt, but... What was this supposed to mean? From the still hazy pit of her memories, she pulled out the one of the embrace. Everything was blurry in her mind except those words. I don't want to lose you. Did he really not?
Madeline tried to imagine them in that moment, but it was a very strange picture. It looked almost as if a cat was hugging a mouse.
And where was he? What was he doing while not being here, in his lair? Terrorizing someone? Probably yes. Just as if he was aware she's been thinking of him, the door unlocked, and the girl momentarily closed her eyes, pretending to be asleep. For the first twenty seconds there was nothing. Silence. She didn't even notice as he got close.
"Madeline, I... I..." He whispered almost inaudibly. Another dose of silence. He sounded so helpless, so concerned. She shut her eyes tighter. Maybe it was a confession, she wasn't supposed to hear. Then, the most unexpected thing of all had place.
"I... I'm sorry."
And then he left.
Everything in Pennywise was devilish; the redness of his hair and the murderous smile. Those predatory eyes and shape shifting power. And yet, can a demon apologize? Is the devil able to show acts of mercy?
The next day, she woke up alone again, and just a moment after her sight had adapted to the dimmed candlelight, she noticed one particular object among the many circus-like contraptions, which was neatly placed to her side. A toy just slightly bigger than the palm of her hand, shaped meticulously as a carousel. Small, but oddly majestic, it seemed to be waiting for the girl to reach it. Madeline knew only one thing; they weren't making toys like this anymore. Not even as a child did she remember to have seen such an enchanting, homemade piece. Not caring if it was placed there for a reason, she took it, noticing her limbs weren't so naggingly stiff no more.
Madeline examined it like a treasure noticing more and more details covering the tiny wooden horses, and just admired the old-fashioned design. The reason as to why it appeared special to her, was that it brought memories. The happy ones, when Robert was mysterious and alluring, but still just Robert, who she'd convinced to ride alongside her, in a horse-like seat in the middle of the night. She smiled sadly. There was a small crank at the bottom, and she turned it right away. Surprisingly, the music box inside still worked, and the carousel started to spin to a melody, the girl knew all too well, but couldn't tell exactly where from. Oranges and lemons...
Those lines could be as well put into every breath she took; just as naturally she was able to recite them. It is often said, that one's heart aches of longing or despair, but Madeline always thought it just a poetic metaphor, and yet she was feeling it now quite literally. 'If only time could be reversed, then...' Exactly. What then? She tried to come up with a reasonable continuation to her wish, but there was none. She would go with him again. And again, and again.
Lost in thought, the girl didn't acknowledge a clown face peeking inside the wagon. The large door opened with an unpleasant creak, making her flinch and put the toy aside. The moment of lonely nostalgia she had, was over. Instead of directing her attention at Pennywise, she gazed intensively at his shadow, refusing to look up. His every step was followed by the dainty jingling, and he did not come close. The shadow just brushed her mattress and stopped there, changing its shape as he crouched down.
Be strong. He can't do much worse than he already did. You should despite him. You should be resentful.
"Whatever it is you came for... just get on with it." She stated flatly, trying to give away no emotions. Pennywise sighed, sounding somewhat broken. For what was to say in a situation like this? Dealing with rage or fear, or any intense emotion was easier than dealing with insensibility. But as seconds went on, the atmosphere became unbearably thick, and she decided to make a move.
"Just why did you come?" The girl asked, lifting herself up on her elbows, and focused her stare at him, letting all the pain and misery be expressed. "What are you now? My captor? My caregiver or my persecutor?"
Now he was the one to look away. The warm light has softened his features. Unlike before, the Clown was presentably clean, and while he sat there, in a safe distance, she saw perfectly the constant inner fight in his face.
"You know what I am. I'm a monster. Nothing more." Maybe it wasn't just the light. Was he... sad? "I know it proves nothing, but I swear I wouldn't have lost control had you not come to me just then. And it is not a normal thing for me to restrain. But I try. For you." The last sentence was barely a whisper, and Madeline could hardly believe in what she was seeing. Pennywise was embarrassed of his words, and to think about it, it really was a miracle that she was still alive. The girl was biting her lip so hard, trying to control her words, that in a couple seconds she began to feel a metallic taste spreading in her mouth.
You're mad at him, you have to. Don't lose your spirit. He's a monster. It's a monster, and you have to fight. You shouldn't be feeling any different, it's wrong. It's wrong, it's wrong, it's wrong...
"I don't understand you. Once you try to eat me alive, and now... Do you enjoy this? Messing people up? Hurting them from inside?" She asked, sounding just as broken as him.
"People — yes. You? No." A simple answer, giving off the very essence of his emotional state, as the confusion in the color of his irises, which were now blue.
"How so? You threatened me, you cut me up and fed like an animal!"
"I did."
"Not for a second had you hesitated. You almost made me die!"
"I did."
"Do you really expect me to trust any word you say?"
"I don't. I never said you should. You turned against me, and I was furious, I was truly mad." And here he was, Pennywise — the Eater of Worlds — explaining himself to an adolescent human being. It looked just as weird as it sounds, but at the same time it was just a very limited version of what he wanted to say.
But if you won't turn your back at me again, I promise to keep on trying. You are like an anchor, that makes me hold back, which gives me a purpose to continue this damned existence of mine, please don't throw me away. He'd never admit it out loud.
Madeline didn't know if she was irritated or just completely lost. The situation was hopeless.
"I hate you." She whispered. "I hate you so much." It wasn't true. She hated herself for not hating him.
"Don't... say that."
"I do! And I'm scared of you!" Why did he have to be so comforting, so calm, when she needed him to be otherwise?
"No. No, you're not. This much I know. You are not scared of me, you proved it well. Besides, I see it in your eyes, I can sense it in your scent. You can hate me, you can be filled with anger or regret, but you're not scared of me." He was right.
"I should. I should be scared." Said Madeline quietly, more to herself than than to her interlocutor, slowly giving up her act. The girl raised her gaze at the creature in front of her, which was still a great mystery to her, and just couldn't help, but wonder:
"What made you like this? Why are you even here?" She asked, searching for something to hold onto, to make her be able to define her feelings right now.
It hesitated before saying anything. This was a question no one's ever heard the true answer to. And to reveal it to a human seemed unsuitable to say the least, but maybe it could make things easier. She deserved to know.
"I had been here before any human soul traced the grounds of this town." It picked its words carefully. "I came from outer space, having no particular form or shape, with an insatiable hunger, that could only be satisfied by human fear. Throughout the centuries, I made myself at home, feeding off the inhabitants of Derry, which wasn't very difficult. People have a strange tendency to disclaim the things they don't want to acknowledge. I am the last one of my kind, that's why I remain here." Madeline watched him from the distance, doing her best to take what seemed like fantasy as true. "How does that sound to you?"
"Lonely." She uttered, before even thinking of keeping the thought to herself.
Pennywise felt something inside of him tighten, gripped just by this one word.
Lonely. She could've said cursed or deplorable, or villainous, but she called me... Lonely.
"For hundreds of years I've been feeling only hatred towards mankind. Until you came, Madeline, and I won't let you... I can't let you go." The words spilled out of him, quick and unclear. "I can be anything. What you fear, what fascinates you, what you love." He changed several times throughout the sentence; from a grotesque, inhuman creature, back to himself and then to Robert, sitting beside her cross-legged, with envy in his eyes. "I could turn into anything, I could..." His human hand reached mindlessly to brush her cheek, but ceased halfway and clenched tight backing away, not to get to close again.
"No." The girl was so small and defenseless now, but still definite. "Inside, you're always the same. I told you once; I'd rather see you as you are. The lie would only make it worse."
So, sitting back, It put on its favorite form's skin without an objection. It was almost annoying that her every word only deepened his feeling for her — a feeling he still could not name properly. The situation, along with Pennywide's cautious behavior and honesty gave her just enough courage to carry on without recoiling back in fear. Silence was slightly less unpleasant now. In the corner of her eye, Madeline still saw the small carousel.
"You said 'hundreds of years', does that mean all these things-" She gazed up, imagining the pile of objects building up above their heads. "-are..."
"Just as old as they seem, yes. It's become a habit of mine to collect them. People come and go, they leave things behind."
But why would someone, who despises human kind keep their remains? What'd he keep after her, she wondered.
"And the clown suit? Why do you choose it?" Madeline asked, now just out of sheer curiosity, and it made Pennywise smile.
"Oh, this. Hmm." His gloved hand reached for a different toy — a small box she didn't see earlier. "I came up with the idea around the sixteenth century. The clown pressed a small switch on its border, and another one briefly jumped out of the box with a crooked laugh. The real Clown and the puppet, they looked pretty much the same. "I was even quite entertaining, I believe." He said, handing the contraption to Madeline.
"Pennywise the Dancing Clown?" The girl read out loud the small transcription, remember that in fact he did refer to himself by this name. "So you can dance? She almost giggled, picturing the wicked creature cracking a goofy dance.
"Well, yes. But last time I tried, it didn't really work out as I intended." Damn you, Beverly.
"I wish I could've seen that." Madeline admitted with the faintest smile lifting the corners of her lips.
It's eyes sparkled suddenly, seeing there might be a chance to get out of this pit of disaster it had thrown them into.
"We can try if you want."
"What?" The girl was puzzled. Does he mean..? But that's ridiculous! We can't. I can't. "I don't know if you noticed, but I'm not in the best physical state right now. I can't even stand."
"That's not a problem." Pennywise stood up and bent down towards her, with a questioning look on his face and outstretched arms.
Wait, what are you doing! That's not right. I should refuse! Said a small voice in her head. But she did not refuse. Screw it. She's been living her whole life caring only about the shouldn'ts and shoulds, and what good has it brought her? If It was to keep her here, while she was completely unable to do anything on her own, she might as well loosen up a little. For now, she was convicted to him anyway, escaping could wait.
He lifted her up careful, extremely careful, but with ease as if she didn't weight a pound. He held her steadily, waiting for her legs to straighten.
"OK, now what? Are you going to be lifting me all the time?"
"Not exactly, but I'll get you a little help."
Suddenly, the machinery above them kicked in, and let down several supporting ropes, which coiled themselves gently around Madeline's wrists, waist and knees. Had she tried it, she could effortlessly hang on them. The Clown checked her up and down, making sure she was possibly stable, then nodded, satisfied.
"Shall we?"
A/N: Hi everyone! This chapter is focused only on It and Maddie, because I thought they really needed a full on, honest conversation to figure out their problems. There should be a sparkle in every hopeless situation, don't you think? ;) We're slowly getting to the end of this story, so yeah. Stay tuned :3
