During Glee Mr. Shue decided that the class needed to convey more passion into their songs. They had to sing with heart, so their assignment this week was breaking away from there usual song selection in order to dig deep into their hearts for a hidden passion. But everyone has different kinds of hearts, some are weak, some are strong, others are struggling in the middle. Everyone began to analyze the way their own hearts worked, how it was more than just an organ but a physical representation of themselves, how they acted, and who they were.
Mr. Shue calls on Santana, "What kind of heart do you have?" He asks pointing her out in front of the whole class. Santana debates whether she wants to give a truthful answer or if she should just reply with her usual snarky remark. She could never be honest to these people so she leaned back in her chair as a smirk arose on her face, "I have a weak heart... but don't worry I've got a killer healthcare plan." She said as she crossed her arms in front of her chest successfully shielding herself from all vulnerability. Her answer contained a truth that the others would regard as a lie due to the way she poked fun at her own frailty but Brittany didn't release a chuckle like the others, only she was able to see past this defense. The bell rang and within minutes the choir room was empty as everyone filled the halls.
Santana's heart is made of stone. It begins to slide from the comfort of her chest scraping against her insides until it falls into her stomach; the acids eat away at it until it diminishes into a small pebble. But every time Brittany grazes her forearm or pulls her into a tight hold, the kind that makes her question whether she will ever let go, the once stone heart begins to grow flesh. It contains a beat thumping faster and faster desperate for the thing that makes it race. Craving for her touch, her warmth, her love. The heart becomes real.
It begins to slowly peel, layer by layer with each kiss Brittany gives to Artie, each silly comment that used to be reserved for her ears only. It turns into an excruciating pain that can only be relieved with sweet lady kisses but it must settle for froggy lips from Sam. Although it wont heal the wounds that lay within the heart it serves as a poor substitute, a temporary medicine to ease the aching for a few moments before the unrestrained affliction begins again.
The heart knows what it wants but it is scared and unwilling to find the courage embedded within the veins that connect the heart to the rest of her fragile body. It's weak, finding only strength in the curled fists that shake with an unrelenting animosity towards everyone and everything. Jealousy becomes her blood, pushing through her veins in hopes to find some sort of cure. The rage begins with the clench of her jaw, the grind of her perfect teeth, and ends with a throbbing sting of her own misery draining back into her core.
The heart slowly but surely begins to crack. The crevice is deep and almost beyond repair. It remains completely concealed to the outside as if there is nothing where her heart should be but her deception begins to fall behind as the anguish becomes apparent on her features. It used to be easy hiding her ability to feel but lately she has been drowning in her own emotions desperate for air to fill her lungs, air that only the blonde can give to her.
This game that they continue to play is reaching an end; although both have lost all strength by now it has also begun to drain all their hope. Santana doesn't know how to give in to anyone, and Brittany has given in so many times she feels empty like a candy dispenser that has been flocked with children.
It used to be enough, just to know that Santana was capable of love despite the fact those tender words would never leave her lips. Lately Brittany has tried to convince herself that Santana cares, that she will always care but it remains a difficult task as the Latina refuses to take their friendship any further leaving only mixed signals and broken hearts.
The anatomy of Brittany's heart is much different than that of Santana's, where Santana's remained heavy and bruised hers was soft, gentle even, like a plush toy with the seams beginning to fray. Her heart beats with a kindness that radiates to the people around her searching for a way to bring a smile onto another. Her heart is strong, it knows what it wants and it wants the very thing that it cannot have. The very thing that makes it shutter within the confines of her ribcage. Although it is the cause of her hearts destruction she is still capable of forgiveness and her plush heart wants so desperately to find that stone heart to make it beat with life. The comforting sound of their hearts that she used to hear when they found solace in her bedroom and sweet lady kisses would embed their mark on her neck as if those lips were meant for only her and no one else. Their hearts would beat as one, at first fast from the adrenaline and then a slower pace until it felt natural.
It's not the same when she was with Artie, their hearts beat out of place and would never coincide to make the beautiful sound that her's and Santana make and she knows no one could ever work so well with her heart like Santana's did. That's why she ended things with Artie, she couldn't lead someone on knowing she didn't love them, but then again she could never love anyone the way she loved Santana. And maybe that was why Santana and Sam broke up, because their hearts didn't beat with one another either.
They both felt broken, ruined, and lost. Their hearts were missing a vital piece, each other. They craved one another like a terrible habit knowing that their love was difficult but it wasn't bad. It was never bad love.
Santana is more than scared now, she is aching. She has never been afraid to go after the things she wanted like the head cheerios position or a lead solo but now she cowered behind unwilling to fight for the only thing that ever really mattered, Brittany.
It hurt when the blonde walked away from her, and it hurt even more knowing she let her go without a fight.
Santana the brave, Santana the bold, Santana the bitch… Santana the coward. She used to tell herself that she was scared of breaking Brittany's heart that she promised to always do what was best for the blonde but lately she has begun to dig deep into the depths of her heart where she realized her fear stemmed not from the heartache that seemed inevitable for Brittany but rather the very act of loving someone.
She was scared of loving Brittany. Brittany who knows exactly what to say to make her laugh, Brittany who is always there to comfort her, Brittany who continues to love her even when she's taken away all reason to.
All Brittany has ever done was bend but now it seemed as if she had successfully been broken leaving the fragments scattered on the floor, the fragments of which only Santana could pick up and piece back together. But Santana would never bend.
The further she pushes the blonde away the harder Brittany tries but that wasn't the case anymore. Brittany had finally found the strength to stand up to Santana's stubborn ways. She couldn't bend anymore, she was already shattered.
Brittany walked through the halls with a sadness in her eyes unable to find a spark of happiness. She doesn't know what to do; Santana told her to wait, so she waited. Santana told her she loved her, so she said the words back. Santana told her it meant nothing, so she nodded in confirmation. But she grew tired of the games, tired of the denial. Brittany had only ever wanted to love Santana, to her it was easy. Lately she has been losing hope, she's grown weary and all the things that used to make her happy only remind her of the Latina which only makes the threads of her plush heart tear. It was Santana's turn to bend.
Santana watches the blonde standing just a few feet away from her in the hallway yet she seemed eons away. If she could look at herself right now she would snicker at her own fear. She was too scared to even approach Brittany as if speaking with her would cause physical pain. But Santana doesn't know what to say, she has never been good at expressing her emotions with words and she doesn't want to hurt Brittany more than she already has.
Santana relieves a deep sigh as she turns around walking away from her unable to find the courage to apologize or even say hi. Brittany watches Santana walk away and she's glad that Santana does because it meant that she knew something was wrong, whether or not she was ready to fix it was another thing, but for now Brittany found hope in the way Santana could at least address her fears.
Sam had broken up with Santana just a few days ago but she isn't devastated or heartbroken because she knows he meant nothing. Brittany sees Sam in the hall watching Santana and she sees relief in his eyes as if he's glad he is free from her grasp, as if he was happy to be away from her. Brittany knows no one truly understands how to love Santana, everyone only sees lust in her eyes but she doesn't.
How could anyone not love her stone heart? How could anyone resist her sharp tongue or curled fists? Brittany adored everything about the Latina but the thing she adored the most were her flaws. Her stubborn attitude, her raging jealousy, her inability to say the things she feels. Brittany loves these things about Santana because only she knows how to deal with the flaws that others refuse to have the patience for.
After school Brittany sit's at the piano in the empty auditorium as she played a few simple notes that a toddler could probably reproduce. Santana slowly walks up the stairs to the stage as she sits next to Brittany looking down at the black and white keys. Her fingers press the keys lightly copying the song that Brittany had just played. "… vroom vroom." she said in a quiet and barely audible whisper imitating the sound of a car as it reminded her of the time when they were younger where the piano was nothing more than a musical car.
Brittany's eyes gazed at the Latina, she was still bitter, she just wanted Santana to care, that was the only reason why she had been harsh with her a couple days ago after her performance. "… it's not a car, San." She said bitterly removing her hands from the piano and her feet from the brass peddles. Santana gave her a warm smile as she looked up into those blue eyes. She knew Brittany was trying to be brave that she was trying to give her the cruelty she deserved but she couldn't help but smile at the way her words came out ruthless but her eyes conveyed a sense of compassion screaming for forgiveness. "It doesn't matter if it's a car or not, you're still the driver and i'll always be the passenger." Santana said in a mere whisper. There were things that Santana refused to let go of and this was one of those precious things she would never deny because throughout life Brittany had always been by her side, they were always together, driver and passenger.
Brittany grasped Santana's hand squeezing lightly, she couldn't continue the tough act anymore. She tried to come off harsh but it never suited her. It didn't feel right especially when it was aimed at Santana. "I'm sorry I was mean… I just wanted to get through to you somehow…" She said as her eyes drifted to the floor.
Santana sighed as the smile she once had began to fade, "I deserved it, Britt. If I were you I would have given up a long time ago… if I were you I would hate me." She said in a low whisper as she clutched the blondes hand tightly almost as if Brittany would come to the realization and leave.
Brittany's eyes gazed at Santana's and for a moment she can see the crack inside her heart, she was bending.
"I've tried to hate you… but loving you is all I know how to do." Brittany's words pierced through Santana's heart as her brown eyes met Brittany's. Her eyes began to water, she didn't understand how Brittany could have this much love for her, how no matter how many times she hurt her somehow Brittany continued to love her unconditionally. No one had ever cared about her the way the blonde did and she knows that no one probably ever would.
"Hurting you is all I've ever done Brittany… I don't know how to love you... and I wish i did." She said as tears began to roll down her face. Santana didn't know how to love anyone, she tries though. When they were nine and Brittany fell off her bike Santana kissed her wounds hoping to relieve the pain because her dad told her that love meant making the bad things go away.
"Yes you do. You don't see it but I do… the doctor said that I wouldn't be able to remember anything after that day at the river but you always remind me and sometimes I remember… I'll never forget that you love me… that everything you do is for me… loving me is all you've ever done, San." Brittany's words had caused the tears to stream down Santana's face without hesitation as a sniffle escaped her. Santana didn't even have to explain herself because Brittany had already known, she had already known how much she loved her and why she did the things she did.
Santana slowly rested her head on Brittany's shoulder clutching her hand tightly as their fingers intertwined with one another, "I'm sorry, for everything... my heart is weak." She whispered to the blonde in a raspy voice finally admitting what kind of heart she had that she would have never confessed truthfully in Glee.
"My heart is strong enough for the both of us." Brittany replied giving a small smile as if she was telling Santana it was okay, that she was okay with waiting.
Santana relieved a heavy sigh as she clutched onto Brittany's arm desperately wishing she was as brave as the blonde but knew it would take time for her to be able to hold Brittany's hand in public or show even the slightest affection. She was still scared of the ridicule they would have to face. Sometimes she wished they could go somewhere they would be accepted for who they were and who they loved. "Just take us somewhere far away from here, Britt." Santana managed to mumble as she closed her eyes trying to enjoy the peace knowing it was a rarity to be valued.
Brittany settled her feet back on the brass peddles as she played simple notes on the piano with one hand. The music filled the empty auditorium as the notes echoed up and down the aisles. "...vroom vroom." Brittany mumbled as she continued to play.
In that moment they both seemed at ease, they were both happy. Despite the fact Santana still failed to bring up the status of their relationship the blonde didn't seem to care because in that moment she knew that Santana had bent for her, and that was enough for now.
