Chapter Twelve
Because You Love me
"You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith 'coz you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me"
Celine Dion: Because You Loved Me
Rick and Kate had been back in the loft for a little more than an hour when he heard a soft, tentative knock on the door. Rick had spent the bulk of that hour helping Kate get settled down from her scare in Remy's.
Though she had carried herself well once she had shaken off the worst of the panic attack's grip on her, she was still badly shaken. In spite of the anti anxiety pill she had taken, the ride back to the loft had not helped matters all that much. She had clung to him in a near death grip all the way home, though she had remained sitting up with her feet on the floorboard and her eyes open (albeit unfocused) this time, which was a marked improvement over their ride home from the hospital.
He had closed the blinds and the curtains as soon as they got home, and she was currently curled up on the couch in the living room wrapped in a blanket with the covers pulled up over her head. He could hear her doing her breathing exercises, interspersed with muttering calming words to herself. The combination seemed to be working for her. She was coping, which was an encouraging sign.
When he opened the door, Jim Beckett was on the other side with his hands in his pockets and a tentative expression on his face. Rick latched onto his arm and practically dragged him into the loft.
"Jim!" Rick whispered, relief evident in his tone, "God, am I relieved it's you!"
Jim Beckett did his best to give his son-in-law a reassuring smile. He felt a little sheepish showing up at their door unannounced, but when Johanna, (he will never get used to her new name no matter how hard he tries, but thankfully she doesn't mind him using her given name in private) had gotten the call from one of her "sources" she all but pushed him out the door. She told him that she figured that he would be better received than she would under the circumstances.
Kate felt the cushion dip as Rick sat on the edge of the couch and brushed his hand along her exposed right ankle. She turned toward him so she no longer faced the back of the couch, and peeked out from under the blankets at him, feeling the compassion pour into her from his blue eyes. She hated how isolated, how hollowed out and empty the anti-anxiety drugs made her feel only slightly less than she did the panic attacks. The drugs didn't take her fear away so much, as hide it behind an indistinct, chemically induced haze.
"Kate," Rick said softly, Jim was mildly surprised how quiet his voice was, "your father is here. He heard about what happened today and he came to look in on you."
"He didn't bring...Jessica...did he?" she asked in a voice so small and quiet it made Rick's heart clench in his chest, "I want to love her but I'm just not ready to face her tonight."
"No Katie-bug...it's just me." Jim said quietly, resting a comforting hand on her shoulder, "Your mother figured you wouldn't want to be crowded. She sends her love though. I know you need time, so does she, but you need to rest, so I won't stay long, but your mother and I wanted you to know that both of us are around if you need us...for anything."
Jim leaned over, pulled the blanket back to see her face and softly kissed the top of her head. "Get some rest Katie, Rick will take care of you and everything will be better in the morning."
Rick knew he had to go back to work in a few days, and he hated the necessity of it. He would continue to work with Kate, help her work past her fear and once again walk in the sunlight. She had been doing so well until today, but he would give her some time to recover from this setback before they got started again.
He knew in his heart that she would not give up now. She had tasted freedom and he knew she wanted more. He had seen it in the set of her eyes back at Remy's when she had walked out to the car under her own power. She had only just begun to fight.
Though the incident at Remy's set her recovery back for a short time, it was only a couple of days before Kate was pushing to get back to it. Rick was glad to see she hadn't retreated back into herself as she had had a tendency to do early on in their partnership whenever she hit an emotional wall. That this one experience had not soured her to continuing to fight.
Dr. Burke had warned them both when they started, that setbacks were part of the process and to try not to be discouraged. He was glad that Kate had taken his advice to heart, no matter how tempting it was for her to turtle up, shut the entire world out, and stay in the warm soft cocoon of their house forever.
Deep inside, in the depths of her heart, she was still Detective Kate Beckett, NYPD, and the life of a frightened shut-in was simply not good enough for her. She wanted to be more than a hothouse flower never again to see the sun. She wanted her life back.
A few days later
Rick felt like crap for having to go back to work at this critical stage in Kate's recovery. She had moved past her setback at Remy's and now he felt like he was abandoning her to face her fear alone. He had promised to stay by her side, that he had her back in this and leaving her now felt like a betrayal. He simply didn't have any more personal days left in this quarter so he had no choice. He had to go back to work.
Kate could tell by the way Rick dragged himself through his morning routine, that he wasn't happy about having to go to work. About leaving her alone only a month before her goal, leaving her alone to do the heavy lifting herself. Her heart clenched in her chest to see the crestfallen look on his face as he walked toward the door. She didn't know what to do that would make him feel better. She would not have gotten nearly this far without his patience an steadfast devotion. She didn't see this as the act of betrayal or abandonment he saw it as, he had a job to do and she understood that.
If she could only find a way to get him to see that.
10:00 AM
Rick sat at his desk without much passion for his job. His first order of business had been to sign off on the paperwork for the cases that Avery had forwarded in his absence. After that he checked up on the progress of Teresa Lisbon in her fifth week of her six week training course and was gratified to learn that she was passing with flying colors. Interestingly enough, Patrick Jane had even managed to pass his background check, and was nearly finished with his physical therapy. He would have his consultant's credentials by the time he got on the train to Quantico, Virginia to see his wife receive hers. He always had been a good judge of talent. He looked forward to working with them both and he was sure they would make perfect addition to the team here.
He would probably feel a great deal better about it if his mind had not been wracked with guilt about being here in his office on the other side of Manhattan, when he would rather be at home helping Kate.
That same moment
The Rodgers Loft
Kate wandered the loft worried about Rick's state of mind. Distracted as he was he would be in serious trouble if he had been in the field. She had to find a way to show him that she would be okay. She knew a simple phone call or text message would simply come off as a plea for help and only make him feel worse about doing his sworn duty.
Without conscious thought she found herself at the door to the rooftop garden. It was a test of her resolve. Her hands shook as she lowered them onto the door, his words echoing in her head.
"I will be right here behind you the whole time."
"That's my girl, fight, I know you have it in you. I believe in you."
She pushed the door open and for the first time since this whole thing began stepped alone out into the sunlight. Her hands shook, but she made herself walk ten paces from the doorway, then turn to face it, forced her trembling hands to still, lifted her cell phone and took a photo of the open doorway, her shadow clearly visible on the decking. She sent it to him with a text message.
"I'm standing here because you believe in me"
She took in a deep breath and forced herself to walk slowly back to the door, her heart hammering in her chest. Part one of her strategy to make his day had begun. On her way back down the stairs to the elevator, she dialed a number on her cell phone from memory.
CIA Headquarters
Langley, Virginia
Richard Webb sat in his office. He had just gotten off the phone with Martha, and had to agree she was indeed correct. It was well past time to screw on his courage and go face his son. He had fought Viet Cong Guerillas, chased down spies, terrorists, and assorted other evildoers in dark alleys and jungles on nearly every corner of the world, but he had never been so nervous as he was now at the thought of confronting his only son and his wife.
Jessica had been kind enough to keep him apprised of Kate's progress. He did not want to be the cause of a relapse in his daughter-in-law's condition. She and her husband, Jim it seemed had rekindled their relationship. To keep her cover intact, the two of them had had to play it off as a new relationship, but they seemed to prefer to stay outdoors, only appearing in public a few times. Oddly enough they had attracted paparazzi attention, much to his amusement, because of their daughter's new-found fame.
So far her cover identity as a security specialist for the State Department had remained intact, so he wasn't worried. What they did behind closed doors was their own affair. He was secretly happy for them both.
He hoped his reunion with with Richard would even go half as well.
"I'm standing here because you believe in me"
When Rick had gotten Kate's text message and viewed the photo she had taken from the roof of the building, he was over the moon. Kate had actually stood alone on the rooftop, out in the sunlight. He wished he could have been there to see it. He swore to himself that he would have the image printed on the way home, so he could have it framed and hung up in his office. It didn't completely assuage his feelings of guilt for having left her to her own devices, when he had given his word to be by her side for all of it.
His reverie was broken when his office intercom buzzed. It was his assistant, Rebecca.
"Director Rodgers, the lobby security officer called, he said you should get downstairs, it's about your wife."
Rick snapped his head up, at the mention of his wife, he went into panic mode. Had she pushed herself too hard and had a panic attack? Why the lobby? He thought to himself, his penchant for the worst case scenario in full flower as he slipped his sidearm out of his desk and into its holster on his way out of his office to the elevator. When he finally reached the lobby and the doors opened he was out like a shot before. He stopped in his tracks, floored when he turned the corner.
Kate was standing in the middle of the lobby, wearing her sharpest professional outfit and her favorite four inch heeled boots. She looked magnificent, with her long chestnut hair framing her face and draped around her shoulders, the sunlight playing across her features. She had never looked so beautiful to him as she did at this moment.
Her hands shook almost imperceptibly, noticeable only to him. She had obviously keeping her composure by sheer willpower alone. He marveled at her strength, and was, as always, captivated by her beauty. He shook off his appraisal of his wife and staggered forward to take her into his arms and kissed her passionately.
God how he loved this woman.
