Chapter 12: To Sleep, To Sleep In Order To Dream

Castiel shuffled down from the stage, ducking into one of the safe rooms for musicians. He yanked his tie so it was a little more loose and slumped into a chair. He was exhausted, he never knew being a singer could be so exciting. Serves him right for getting so into it. It was fun though.

The word felt so strange when he thought about it.

'Fun.'

Fun wasn't something that Cas had regularly, so as far as he could tell it was worth while. Come to think of it, he didn't really know when the last time that he had fun was. Depression was funny that way, every time he tried to come up with an answer he just came up blank. He slouched, grabbing one of the water bottles that was sitting in the room. They were for the performers, since dry throats were common. He took a swig of water, coughing a little. It was amazingly easy to choke on water when his throat felt like parchment. The water was refreshing but also startling, he coughed again a little louder.

Castiel's eyes shifted around the room. Something felt strange like there was something that was just off. The whole room just felt wonky. He couldn't quite put a finger on it, but he knew there was something. Like at any moment all of these good feelings could come crashing down around him. Reality was often much harder to deal with then fantasy. Him being on that stage felt like a fantasy. Fun felt like a fantasy.

It was more then that though, him being on that stage was only half of it. Seeing Dean was the other half, Cas hadn't anticipated that he would be there. In fact, he didn't think that Lucifer anticipated it either. Maybe everyone was thrown through a loop. Though when he stopped to think about it, it made sense. Dean knew Anna and if Cas had learned anything about Dean it was that Dean refused to give up on people. No matter how mad he might be, or how much pain he might be in- if someone was truly important then Dean wouldn't give up. That's part of the reason they were in this mess in the first place. Neither boy would forsake their feelings for one another and so they were constantly circling one another in an eternal dance.

And around and around the wheel goes.

Sometimes Castiel swore that all the two of them were doing was riding a merry go round. At first, it was like Dean was already on the carousel. He was spinning it so fast, that Cas had to run beside it just so he could figure out where the handles were. With every rotation he was more afraid that he would trip and lose his speed. But he was doing his best, keeping up with Dean Winchester wasn't the easiest thing in the world. After a while, he managed to grab the side of the merry go round. However, as soon as he grabbed it and jumped on Dean jumped off. He wanted to keep the thing going so he grabbed bar and started running along side.

They could never both be on the merry go round at the same time. One of them had to be pushing the thing in circles while the other one was enjoying the ride. Never both enjoying the ride, always only one. Self sacrifice was indeed a messy business. Cas frowned, putting the bottle back on the desk.

There was a quick knock on the door, it was quiet- timid. Cas stood up and walked over to the door, pulling the thing open. He was greeted with a familiar face, one of the other members in the band. He had probably gone off to grab some water, but then Cas noticed the girl behind him. His cheeks flushed a little and he decided to step out and give them some privacy. He hated that he was always so damn accommodating, but that was just part of his personality (no matter how much he might dislike it).

"I'll just... step out..." Castiel said as he closed the door behind him. He frowned, now being in a formal party and not wanting to talk to any of the people there. Cas ducked past most of the lively guests into a darker part of the building. He had been a fly on the wall for most of his life so it wasn't that hard to dodge people who might have been interested if he had shown a little confidence. For the most part, everyone was so busy in their own little world they didn't take notice of him. Castiel couldn't help but imagine them as ants. Hive minded, going about their days, resisting the urge to do anything independently, and only doing things that would better the colony. For his sake, he hoped that 'talking to Castiel' wasn't on the list of things that would make the colony better.

He wanted to let his head reel in peace, was that so much to ask?

Cas didn't quiet know the layout of the building as well as he should have, but he was be able to figure out where most people weren't allowed. He knew that Lucifer's plan was going to start soon, but until he got the text from his brother telling him everything was a go he wanted to just be alone. So he ducked into a room that was full of cubicles.

The room was huge, with cubicles stretching as far back as he could see. The place was dark, with only the exit sign the only visible light. Cas fumbled around for a light switch, flicking it on watching as the lights tried to warm up. Once the lights were on, he could see that the cubicles extended all the way back. Tiny work spaces, for each person. The whole place looked ridiculously impersonal, though each space said something different about the person that sat there. As he walked up and down the isles he could see what each person liked. He could tell who their kids were, what sports they played, what animals they liked, if they were messy or neat, just by the decorations in the place.

Despite the small personal objects though the whole place was still an office space. Dank and dreary, like a thick gray cloud that was always hanging over the workers head. Despite the ways they tried to make a statement about their identity they would always be just a part of something else. Never someone who stood on their own. They were only allowed to be in this tiny space and that was it. They would sit, hunched over at their desks tapping away at keyboards all day. His stomach turned over at the thought of being one of those people.

Yet, Castiel's life wasn't really any different from these people's lives. He did the same things day in and day out, all because Lucifer said so. In a way the people who would sit at these desks were just the same as he was. Irritation boiled, deep in his gut. Cas grabbed one of the chairs and wheeled it out into the middle of the room.

It looked out of place there so he added a second chair, then a third, and so on. Pretty soon all of the chairs that should have been in the cubicles were now in the center of the room's isle. A strange way of displaying free will, but he didn't care. He wanted to make a statement saying that he wasn't a loser and that he had a mind of his own. That he wasn't just Lucifer's puppet. He needn't feel guilty for the actions of his brothers.

But he did feel guilty, silently. Though suffering in silence was just the type of person that Castiel was. Still this was a testament to his will. That guilt and the past would not always be what controlled his actions. The ghost of smile crossed Cas' chapped lips. He was weary from battle but this soldier had to press on.

Cas slumped into one of the outside chairs, swiveling back and forth. He allowed his eyes to feel heavy, then silently willed them to close. Truth be told, he was sometimes afraid to close them for fear that when they opened Lucifer would be looming over him. Smiling. Reminding him that no matter how he squirmed he'd never get away.

Yet not today, instead all he could see was a darkness. A void that was filled with nothing but silence. An endless echo of thought sent out across space- no object to bounce off, nothing for it to ricochet off of. No way for the thought to ever return once it was sent off. He welcomed the silence, welcomed the dark to take him to into a big black empty. Down into the rabbit hole, past the second star to the right, and on into the void of cold space.

A nothing where no one would ever find him again.

"Hey bro. Where are you going at this time of night?" Gabriel asked, leaning in the doorway. He almost looked like a model the way he was lounging leisurely on the frame. Shoulders lax, eyes demanding but curious, thumbs hooked in his jeans, one leg crossed behind the other, the way the lights behind him made him look angelic. He could easily see a still frame of this being in a magazine.

"Out." I answered low. He raised an eyebrow questioningly, shifting his weight so he was on both feet. He was strangely fluid in his movements, like his body was one giant slinky moving coherently and skillfully.

"Out where?" Gabriel says coyly, his lips turning up in a smirk. It's his way of telling me that I'm not out of the woods yet. It's also his way of expressing that he doesn't much appreciate the vague responses. I watch as he slinks like a feline, heading towards me slowly. I know that despite his cocky attitude, his intentions are pure. He's my brother, the only real family I've had in a long while. I trust him, he's just trying to do his best as the responsible figure in my life. So despite his lingering stare and hot eyes, I know he doesn't mean to be menacing.

"Just out." I repeat, its not a lie. I really am just going out, I just have no specific destination in mind. I thumb the cold metallic keys in my hand, feeling the jagged edges rough against my skin. A prickling sensation shoots through my body. I'm stuck just outside the doorway, but still under the porch's overhang. The April showers are pattering softly against the roof above and the cement below.

Gabriel shakes his head, giving in to my blatant lack of information. Or maybe he's made a joke that I missed, I can't really be sure its hard to tell sometimes. He puts a hand on my shoulder, weight pressing down on me. "Just be careful, little brother. Don't stay out to late and for god's sake remember to turn your brights on."

I know that he's joking but it doesn't come off as funny to me. Does he really think that I would drive in the rain without my lights on? "Thanks mom." I answer.

"Zing!" my brother shouts, I feel my brows knit in an uncomfortable and confused manner. "Never mind." I shrug my shoulders, not really understanding his context. I silently wonder if 'zing' is a real word. He gives me another smile while I pull on my trench coat. He steps into my peripheral vision and lays a hand on my shoulder, gripping it tight. "I mean it, be careful."

"Yes." I answer. Gabe gives me one last nod before he heads back into the house. I stay for a spell, watching him as he closes the door. His silhouette moves across the front door window and I know that he's headed for the kitchen. I assume that its a brother thing.

Quickly, I move out from under the overhang walking to my car. I know that there's some kind of myth that says its better to run in the rain then walk but getting wet doesn't bug me. Though, I must admit when the first few drops touch my skin I feel a violent shot of electricity shoot through my veins. It's icy and cold, which makes me want to get to my car faster. Still, there's a general lack of urgency in my step.

I throw the car door open with ease and let myself sink down into the drivers seat. For a moment I just sit, listening to the rain on the roof. A metallic pelting sound that threatens to come down on my head. A few seconds go by, then a few minutes. I kick the car into reverse and back out onto the street. Like I said earlier, I don't have a specific destination in mind. I'm just going where ever the wind takes me- as Gabriel often says.

It's difficult to see more then five feet in front of my car. Since I started driving the rain has been coming down harder. I'm not sure but it might be hailing, so naturally I'm going rather slowly. But, its not a big deal I can't see five feet in front of my car so I don't know if there's anyone around me. If there is someone there, they don't seem to have a problem with my slow speeds.

Driving into the rain, is kind of like standing on a ledge and facing a big black nothing. I could scream into it, I could yell, wail, and shriek but nothing would ever come back. There's nothing for the sound to echo off of. Like staring into the deepest parts of the universe or being caught in a black hole. I tap the radio on, so there's some noise besides the sound of rain. But all that I end up hearing is static, which seems to support my black hole theory. I glance over to the dash, flipping it off again.

That's when I see him, the silhouette of a young man standing in the road illuminated by headlights coming from the other direction. Something in my brain clicks, everything seems to move in slow motion. I can't hit a kid. I can't- I slam on the breaks with all the force I have, my leg throbs from pushing to hard. But I realize it won't be enough, panic ceases my lungs. My throat tries to swallow but all I taste is blood. Did I bite my lip? When?

"BP's dropping-"

I crank the wheel driving towards the on coming traffic. Seeing headlights blare in my eyes, everything turns white for a moment before I see a flash of something. Blonde hair, strong features, but soft baby blue eyes. His eyes flashing with a cold rage for the millisecond that I see him. His mouth is open and I think he might be screaming but I can't tell.

"I can't-"

There's a buzzing sound in my ears and above everything else, I hear the sound of a male voice. Sadly, I can't place who it belongs to- I feel like I know it from somewhere though. I suppose that I have more pressing matters to attend too through.

"Pulse-"

Our cars draw closer together, the front of mine begins to buckle as it crashes against his in slow motion. I try to place the guys face, but I can't seem to remember where I know it from. Everything is just a big hole, while my brain works overtime to think in my last moments of consciousness.

Then, there's nothing but black.


Remember when I updated everyday? Haha. Me neither.

A bit of a filler chapter and for that I'm very sorry. You ever have that writer's block where you keep coming up with story idea's but then you're like 'I can't make anymore stories right now'? Well that's been the story of my life and its been killing me slowly. Trying to write when that's in your head is hard, actually scratch that. Writing is hard. Period. But I must say, writing a story is not currently my job- I shouldn't have to feel guilty because I have writers block. So I'm not gonna, but I still will apologize to you guys because you've all been nothing but supportive of me.

That being said, this chapter. Man, this chapter. It's been a long time since I've written a dream sequence. Feels good. Really good. Also Cas pushing all of the chairs into the center of the room to show his rebellious side. Loved writing that, because its something that I would do.

Speculation is much encouraged as we draw close to the climax.

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