4.3 ONEBIGFUCKINGMISTAKE
It's another morning after another mistake. Onebigfuckingmistake.
"Ki-Ah…"
Miyavi wishes that Maya would stop saying his name like that. He doesn't like it, lying sideways on the bed, snuggled deep into his sheets as Maya sits by him, staring at him, remorse in those big, brown eyes.
"Ki-Ah…"
Miyavi squeezes his eyes closed tighter, and he feels his bangs move in his eyelashes. He feels Maya's body sitting next to his, perpendicular. It moves with breaths, deep and calm. Decision.
"Ki-Ah, I don't love you."
It sounds like every millisecond it took to say that phrase was taken stubbornly, in refusal. Miyavi resists smiling as he throws his arm up and around Maya's neck, pulling the man under the covers with him.
"Well, that's too bad, because I love you."
He kisses Maya's nose tip, just because he likes to. "It's selfish love, Maya. Love me because I love you."
Maya is dressed already. His belts are cold against Miyavi's stomach, metallic and harsh in their existence. They feel… separating. Maya's eyes on his feel separating.
"You should make that into a song, koibito."
"I already have."
And now those eyes are avoiding Miyavi's, not making contact with what used to be comfortable. Miyavi pecks a smooth cheek, then buries into a warm neck.
"And why don't you love me, Maya?"
There is a sigh, and snow rustles against the roof. Maya is reluctant to answer.
"Koibito, I just… you know that's a lie. Alright?"
Miyavi laughs, nibbling on Maya's neck. "Then why'd you say it, baka?"
"Because my head hurts and I want you to fuck me into the mattress again."
Miyavi laughs. "I'm not sure if I can help you with that first one, Maya-kun." He pauses. "And that doesn't really make sense."
Maya flips onto his back, elbows tenting the sheet as he pushes the heels of his palms into his eyes. "Ah, I know. I don't feel like I'm sensible right now." The heels rub, rub, rub away.
"…like you take up too much space?"
Maya's bleary eyes resurface at Miyavi's invisible tone. He nods, softly. Miyavi isn't comforted.
"Yeah. That's how I've felt since August."
Maya's eyes are knowing, apologetic, somehow sunk back against his face but black and big at once. Miyavi doesn't mean to make him feel responsible.
"I'm sorry-"
"Maya, don't. It's not your fault."
And there was no more to be said about that.
