CHAPTER TWELVE
THE BISEXUAL WIZARD TOURNAMENT
Ron opened the front doors to the entrance hall.
"SHHITE!" said Ron.
Peeves the Pole Smoker had chucked a piss balloon at Ron's face.
Harry grabbed Hermione, as a second trucker bomb missed her.
"Oh, Harry!" Hermione gasped.
Harry used her as a human shield.
"What the FUCK?" yelled Hermione.
Harry, Ron, and Hermione dove into the Great Hall.
The Sorting Hat broke into rap:
A fuck Gryffindor, that's that shit I don't like,
A snitch Ravenclaw, that's that shit I don't like,
A bitch Hufflepuff, that's that shit I don't like,
Sneak Slytherins, that's that shit I don't like!
The Sorting ended.
Dumbledore got up.
"Fuck you," he told the students. "Gays are fantastic."
The plates filled magically with food.
"Where's my food?" said Ron, looking at his empty plate.
"Your parents didn't pay the food bill," said Legally Retarded Nick.
"Can I work in the kitchens for food?" said Ron.
"Bitch, house-elves do it for free," said Legally Retarded Nick.
"House-elves made this shit?" Hermione said.
She stopped eating.
"Can I have your leftovers?" said Ron.
Hermione threw her plate at Legally Retarded Nick.
"Cunt!" said Ron.
Albus Dumbledore got up again.
"Quidditch is canceled —"
"Adolf!" Harry gasped.
"Due to the Triwizard Tournament," he said.
"Shut the fuck UP!" said Fred Weasley.
"I will not shut the fuck up," he said.
Dumbledore gave an explanation of the Triwizard Tournament.
"We're not bi, why can't we enter?" said George Weasley.
"The champions'll get to do all sorts of gay shit you'd never be allowed to do normally," said Fred.
"A million Knuts prize money," said Ron. "If I could afford food, I would be so happy …"
"Eat deez nutz," said Harry.
Fred and George debated the ways to go gay.
"Having sex with each other might fool the judge.…"
Harry and Ron got into bed.
"If Fred and George do it," Ron said, "you and I?"
"Hell fucking no.…"
Harry dreamed he had just won the Triwizard Tournament.… He had a bitch on each arm, Cho and Ron.…
Harry gagged into his pillow.
