Chapter Eleven: Dragon-skin purses are so last year


The first thing I noticed was the smell. Now, I hate to tell you this, but dragons reek. In fact, most animals reek. It's what animals do, and that's, y'know, fine and all, but dragons are only marginally behind Mus and Behemoths when it comes to the gag-o-meter. Despite the fact that dragons are basically big lizards, they tend to avoid water, because having your epic fire breath fizzle out just because you suddenly developed a taste in personal hygiene kinda sucks. And considering that dragons are basically the biggest carnivores on the planet (excluding Barret), and spend their time either picking the bones of wayward ninja-but-not-ninja or washing them down with a nice chunk of animal carcass, it all adds up to not being a pleasant experience.

In fact, no. I'm probably being kinda harsh there. I like dragons, in a romantic kind of way. They'd probably smell better if they could cook. I'd completely adore any predator that came my way smelling of fresh-cooked bacon.

But, it is kinda handy that they smell so bad. Because I noticed it a mile away. (Unlike Vinnie, who couldn't smell a fart if it ran up and clotheslined him.)

Obviously, my first thought was to get the hell out of there. Vinnie could take it on if he wanted, but no way in hell was I sticking around. That plan lasted about five seconds before I remembered that dear old Vincey-pants had shot me in the freaking leg.

"Yuffie. Do you...smell something?" he asked. Wow, way to be oblivious, Vince. Chaos may have been designed for the express purpose of making everything on the planet his bitch, but it doesn't seem like you've picked up any of the hunting skills.

"Yes, Vincent, I do. There's a freaking dragon on the way. What else do you know that smells like overcooked monster-burgers?" I hissed, making sure to get right up in his face. My breath whooshed his hair out of his eyes a little, which was the cue for my body to go into teenage-hormone mode. Him and his freaking metro boyband hair.

"That could be problematic." he replied, as if my warning of certain impending death was no more troubling than if I'd told him it might rain. Oh, yes, Yuffie. Big scaly monster, headed our way. Make sure you take a coat.

For a moment, I considered telling him that I hated his guts, so much that I'd happily rip them out and fashion them into eighteen kinds of kinky knickers. But as I opened my mouth, something big, green and stinky roared from outside the caves.

"Hmph. I set my bag down outside so as to reduce weight and improve running speed." he said, again like it was nothing more threatening than a hot afternoon.

"What the hell does that mean, Vince?" I whined. Yes, whined. I was getting awfully sick of this kind of crap.

"It means that I only brought twelve bullets with me, all of them made of rubber."

Freaking fantastic. Here we were, in a cave, with me out of action and Vince armed with the firearm equivalent of a squeaky mallet, waiting for the dragon that was outside to finally get its fat green ass in gear and roast us alive. Just wonderful. Makes you feel glad to get up in the morning.

"Look, Vince...If I die, I just want you to know that...well..."

"Yes, Yuffie?"

"I am so sending you a 'Wish You Were Here' postcard from Hell."

Unfortunately, our romantic moment was interrupted by half of the cave falling on our heads. The dragon was evidently too big to fit inside, but too stupid to realise it, and had tried to jam itself through the entrance. With a nod and some malformed gesture of his hand, he flipped around the corner to take a look. He flipped back almost immediately, looking mildly irritated.

"Yuffie. We have a problem." he said urgently.

"Wow. Could it possibly be the freaking humongous dragon trying to eat us?" I spat.

"Indeed. Its...'freaking humongousness'", he said, making the air quotes irritatingly obvious, "is due to the fact it is a mother."

"Oh, that's it. I'm now officially having a bad day, and it's all your fault. If we get out of this alive, you owe me three scoops of ice cream and a chocolate chip brownie." I snarled, trying to get up. My leg wobbled, and barely held. His eyes shot to my midriff, then back to my face.

"Your weapon. You have it, correct? It may be wise to use your Restore materia."

I was torn. On one hand, if I used magic on my leg, it'd raise our chances from flimsy to substantial. But on the other, there was a reason we all stopped using magic after Sephiroth's war- because magic was the planet's wisdom, the planet's energy. And the planet needed all the help it could get. (Of course, we'd used it to fix Reeve's nose, but that was a minor thing. And Reeve's nose needs all the help it can get, too.)

"You have misgivings, I know-" he said, before a bone-shattering roar bounced through the cave. A few fragments of ceiling fell into his hair, but he soldiered on. "-but right now, the amount of good we can do for the Planet by being alive to deal with the crisis at hand far exceeds the negative effects of a shot of healing magic."

I groaned. Count on Vinny to rationalise in the face of death. The problem wasn't how much it hurt the Planet, but how much it felt like I'd be betraying Aerith, who'd given her life to keep the Planet's juice flowing. But he was right. I picked the folded paper out of my pocket, and flicked my wrist. It bounced back into the shape of a poorly folded bird, ready for use. With a few words and a pang of regret, I was back in fighting form.

"Right. So, what's the plan? Run?" I asked, testing out my leg. Good as new- in fact, better. Weird.

"We're dealing with a dragon. Even if we were to try and escape across the mountain range, she has wings, and will pursue us. Mother dragons are very territorial." he deadpanned, picking up his gun. Neither of us mentioned that he could probably get away, if he were by himself and not weighed down by a less-than-ninja.

"Well, I sure ain't gonna put a dent in its hide with a piece of paper, Vinny. And bullets kinda fail against scales anyway, never mind when they're made of rubber."

"Well, we shall have to aim for weak spots. It's to our advantage to stay in the cave; we're smaller, and have better mobility. Its bulk will be cumbersome in here."

As if incensed by Vincent accidentally cracking a fat joke, Big Green and Ugly roared and started bashing harder against the cave mouth. The sound made my legs tremble, and I could almost feel the roof shifting above my head.

"...Wait. Vince? How good of a shot are you?" I asked, putting on a casual smile.

"If I can hit you via ricochet, I'm capable of hitting a dragon, Yuffie. Why? Do you have an idea?"

We were interrupted by the sound of a cave mouth being forcibly torn open by a huge-ass dragon, which happens surprisingly often to me. And Gawd, was Vincent right about it being huge-ass. A normal dragon is about twice the size of a human when it stands on its hind legs. This one could have beaten me, Vinnie and Cid stacked on top of each other, with room to spare. I sprang away from the rocks instinctively, Vince going in the opposite direction, as we heard a sound we were both familiar with; a faint hiss, like a gas fire, and then the roaring fwoosh of flames. Heat, soft and deadly, seeped from the air into my limbs, and the stone walls danced with orange light.

The dragon turned away from me, towards Vince. I heard the report of his gun, and the indescribable sound of a rubber bullet bouncing harmlessly off scales. Something dragged off towards my left, behind a maw of stalagmites, and I hit the ground. Seconds later, the stalagmites exploded, swept away by a flick of the beast's tail. It sailed over my head, followed by a blast of rancid air that almost made me gag. And then I was back up, my body moving on its own, like I knew what to do, like I stood a chance-

"The eyes, Vince! Shoot it in the eyes!" I howled.

There was some sort of choked reply from behind the dragon. Instantly, it was hunched over, searching for the voice with teeth and fire and claw. My legs started moving but so did the tail, flicking back towards my head like a viper. I didn't even stop, tucking my head down so it just missed, the pwht sound of a barely-dodged blow sounding in my ears a half-second later. But that was all I needed. The dragon's wing was dipped low, and I streaked towards it like a thunderbolt, like a missile, like-

Greased Lighting.

It echoed in my bones, in my muscles, in my brain. A wave of relief surged through me at the same time as the energy surged in my muscles. I could still do Greased Lightning. It was burnt into me, like a brand. It could never be removed.

Which is more than I can say for the dragon's wing.

I hit the bone, the thick stump where the wing connected to the back. It wasn't where I'd been aiming, but it was better. Where a normal blow would have glanced off, my Limit bit, tore and cut through. The wing fell, slowly, almost feather-like, to the ground, and a spray of blood shot from the torn sinews. I felt the heat in the air as I moved away.

The dragon howled. Not roared, but howled, a high, keening screech of pain. It stayed low, though, evidently deciding to use its new wound as motivation to fry Vincent. Swinging its head low to the ground like a cobra, it shifted its bulk to maximise the damage. The tail sailed by again, and I dodged so naturally I almost didn't notice. The blood pumped in my veins.

Then, it happened. A spray of red, and a guttural howl- but human, not beast. Vincent. Suddenly I was up, up, over the dragon's back, sailing through the air with a ninja's leap, looking down as Vincent fought to free his metal arm from the dragon's teeth. What in the name of hell was he doing that close anyway? I felt rather than saw the wrench as his arm left the beast's maw, and started casting the cure spell with no hesitation. But Vincent had moved, his gun arm shooting towards the beast's face, barrel to the eye-

Another burst of red, and everything was chaos. The dragon reared upwards, the bullet in its eye working where my wing removal hadn't. It cracked its head on the ceiling, and I felt the shift as the rocks finally came loose. The cure sailed from my hands and hid Vince dead on, healing the arm underneath the gauntlet. I landed effortlessly, already running, launching myself along behind the swirl of Vincent's cape, searching desperately for the exit. A flash of sunlight, and-

The world crashed behind my ankles as I tumbled from the cave. Rubble blocked the exit, and an impotent plume of smoke swirled through the dust. My skin, covered in dust, felt drawn and tight in the sunlight. My leg throbbed.

"Hmph. And I thought you need practice." Vince muttered, his voice husky from the smoke and the dust.

Somehow, I found it funny. After all that, the worst he'd really come out with was a sore throat, whilst ever single muscle in my body was aching, protesting. The giggles forced themselves from my mouth, bubbling up in my ribs and bursting out into the world. I'd just beaten a dragon. Me, non-ninja Yuffie Kisaragi. Awesome. Vincent gave me a strange look as I continued to laugh.


"Hahaha! Frickin' mosey! What the hell you think y'are, a cowboy? I still can't believe you, you goddamn numbskull!"

My dragon-slaying euphoria had well and truly worn off by the time we got back to Cid's. I was dusty, dirty, sweaty, my leg was still throbbing like crazy and to top it all off, I was completely starving because I hadn't eaten any of Shera's crappy sandwiches. Vincent was his usual boring self, not talking on the way back, but shooting apologetic glances at my leg every so often. Better than the other stuff he'd shot at it, I guess. Didn't help that Cid was shouting so loud we could hear him ten feet from the house.

"So, how's Tifa doing, chocobo-head?"

Tifa? Chocobo-head?

I must've crossed those ten feet in two steps. There was no possible way it could be him. I mean, Cloud? Why would Cloud be here? Didn't he have to sex Tifa or something?

I threw the door open, and, lo and behold, Sir Goggles'n'Coat was sat on his chair, drinking his goddamn tea.

I may have squealed a little. Only a little.

Before I knew it, I'd thrown myself around his neck, laughing and crying and thanking Leviathan that finally, someone sane had shown up. Well, okay, so Cloud has a few issues about his past and how he substituted himself for that Zack dude and stuff, but y'know. Better than Vincent Head-Case Valentine and Cid the tea-addict.

"Yuffie. Nice to see you too. I heard what happened." he said, all down to earth. Instead of untangling himself from my arms, he just stood up and waited for me to drop off. Then looked down at me, feeling smug because he's tall. Gawd, I missed him.

"Cloud. You've arrived." Vincent said, helpfully. Because obviously Cloud didn't know.

Tall Blonde and Quiet was then distracted by Tall Dark and Gruesome, and they started to talk. I decided to go and bribe Shera for food, because frankly, when Vince and Cloud are talking it feels like they're discussing plans for the local emo anonymous convention.

"Reeve told me," Cloud said, sipping his tea. "About Jenova."

Nice to see he still hadn't learned to construct a decent sentence.

"Hn. There is no need to lie, Cloud," Vincent retorted. Actually, he was speaking better than chocobo head these days. That was weird.

"Ha. I guess no one can fool you,"Cloud shrugged back. I couldn't figure out whether they were talking or playing poker. Too much concealment.

"You knew," Vincent concluded.

"Yeah. Maybe it's the past connections...Between Sephiroth and me. Or maybe...Hojo? I'm not sure how much I can believe...Whether I'm a clone or not. I have memories, but..."

Wait. Wait wait wait. Cloud knew about the Jenova thing?

"I had my suspicions. Either way, it is an advantageous connection. Your...sensitivity to Jenova may, in this case, be used as an indication of how far along the process is."

This was making my head hurt.

"Hey now. What in t'hell are you numbskulls talking about? Spit it out!" Cid bawled. Evidently, I wasn't the only one.

"Cloud may or may not have Jenova cells. But even if not, he has a strong connection to Sephiroth. He's also a past sufferer of Geostigma. Because of that, he is sensitive to Jenova's actions," Vince explained. Coldly.

"Dammit, Vamp. You make it sound like he's a test subject." Cid jumped in, just before I could say the same thing. Great minds think alike, although I could do without the cigarette habit.

"It's okay, Cid. We've got to use what we have to our advantage." Cloud said, again coldly. I guess in a conversation between a former Turk and a former mercenary, everything is rationalised.

"But first, Cloud, the matter we discussed. I believe it would be best to put that plan into effect immediately," Vince went on. His fingers twitched.

"I agree."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa. What the hell're you guys talkin' about? Let us in on it."

Gotta love Cid and his forthrightness. I was still scared of interrupting Cloud and Vinny, in case they got depressed and started crying in the corner.

"Yuffie. You're coming to Edge, to live with me and Teef for a while. For safety reasons," Cloud said, turning to me. A small smile flickered onto his face.

"Gawd, why didn't you tell me?" I whooped. "Boobs could probably use some company."

"Yeah. That's what I thought, too. We'll have to leave tomorrow...Time is vital."

I grinned. Teef, Cloud, me and Vince. No one would mess with us! "Okay. So, like, where's your bike, anyway? I didn't see it outside."

He stifled a laugh. "Fenrir's a great bike, but Edge is on the other side of the Nibel mountains. I don't think I'd want to risk it."

I scratched my head. How could he have gotten up the mountain, then? Cloud hardly ever walked. In fact, I'd been pretty sure his ass had been soldered to the seat of that bike for a while. And how could he have climbed the mountain without seeing us and that dragon on the way?

"Vincent's chocobo," he shrugged. "It's a pretty nice bird. I think it likes me."

I snorted. "Pfft. Only because it thinks you're a potential mate."

"Hn. It's possible. It is a female, and your hair..." Vincent left off.

"Wait, what? It's a female? I totally thought it was a male," I gasped. "Wow, Vince. Your chocobo is a choco-ho."

"Well. Anyway...We'll ride it over the mountains tomorrow, and then proceed on bike," Cloud shrugged. Probably desperate for the juddering throb of heavy machinery between his legs.

"Well, damn. Wondered why you had me go all the way to Wutai to pick that damn bird up," Cid said, whistling. "Why didn't we just pick up Yuffie and fly her to Edge directly, anyways?"

"Secrecy. The Shera attracts more than its fair share of attention," Vincent rumbled. Cid muttered something about it attracting not nearly enough attention, and Shera tittered somewhere in the background.

I smiled. Like old times. But there was something weird- Vince was acting funny, and Cloud was avoiding something. I decided to distract them with an innocuous comment.

"It's gonna be pretty cramped, though...How're we gonna get three whole people on a choco-ho, never mind on your bike?"

Cloud glanced sideways, and Vince shot him a killer death glare. But Cloud, like me, has had more than enough killer death glares to be immune.

"Yuffie. There won't be three people...Just you and me."

I struggled to comprehend the information. Just Cloud and me? What about Vince?

"Yuffie...You'll be staying in Edge for a good while, to recover from recent stress. I, however, must continue trying to find a solution to the Jenova Problem," Vince said. He had a rasp in his voice.

"You...You're not coming? But Vince..."

"I made sure to stay by you, to create the illusion that I would be travelling with you to Edge. In reality, Cloud is more than enough of an escort, and I cannot afford-"

"You're abandoning me," I spat. He looked apologetic. Great. After all this time, after our moments on the boat, on the Wutai mountain, at Nibel, he was dropping me like a bad egg. So sorry, Yuffie, but I really don't have enough time. I have to save the world. Just like my dad never had time off from being Emperor of Wutai.

He seemed to search for the right words. "Yuffie, I-"

"Don't 'Yuffie' me. What about Cecil and Rosa, Vincent? What about that?" I snarled, jabbing him in the chest. He just looked at me, dumbstruck. Gawd. I could feel my blood pressure rising just from being around him.

"Brat, I know you have the hots for Vampy here, but-"

"Oh, shut up, Captain Cancer. I'm going to sleep," I snarled, stomping off.

I still don't know why I reacted like I did. I mean, it's not like they were lying to me. Cloud was more than tough enough to handle the job. Vince did need to shoot some monsters or whatever. And Cid was, well, Cid, which is reason enough not to yell at him. But Vince had been there pretty much since the start of this whole mess. He'd been there, dorky and quiet and supportive in his own little way, through one of the toughest times in my life. And I guess maybe I was starting to rely on him, a little.

There were still too many questions that needed answers- about the conspiracy, about Jenova, and about what the hell was going on in my life. All I could do was that tomorrow dropped the answers off with Cid's milk.


A/N: And again, horribly late. I keep getting distracted. Still, a change of scene, and whatnot. Hope you're looking forwards to the next chapter. By the way, I refer in this chapter to Yuffie (and the rest of the heroes) being reserved about their use of materia. This is because materia forms a connection to the planet and "The established connection is then used to manifest the spell with the Lifestream's energy - the reason the heroes of Final Fantasy VII no longer use materia by the time of Advent Children, according to a comment from Tetsuya Nomura in the Advent Children

Reunion Files book (pg. 87)." I forget where I heard it, but hear it I did, so I decided to incorporate it. Why does Vincent use materia in DoC, then? I dunno. Probably because he's one cold mo'fo.