Sam looked at his brother in anticipation of what he would say. He'd never seen Dean look quite this mystified before.
"What? Dean, what did you see?"
Dean hesitated as he responded. "Maybe … God's will."
Dean stared at Sam. Sam was a little surprised at what he had heard, and even more surprised at how it seemed to affect Dean. Jen's voice cut through the silence.
"Just because someone got what's coming to them doesn't make it God's will. I'm pretty sure Karma has been around quite a bit longer than the Christian God."
Sam was only a bit surprised to hear Jen's skepticism. She had been remarkably quiet throughout this hunt, especially around the talk of God and angels.
Dean looked over at Jen. "What does that mean? Isn't there only one God?"
Jen kept her eyes on Dean, but took a seat next to Sam. Sam slipped his hand into Jen's and she gave his a squeeze as she spoke "Why should there be? I don't necessarily believe that there is one all-powerful being called God that watches and controls what happens on Earth."
Dean looked puzzled. "I don't usually drink that kool-aid either, but this guy was doing something wrong and then taken out. It was just a little too coincidental, and another thing I don't believe in is coincidence."
Jen shrugged. "I do believe in forces bigger than humans."
"What does that mean?"
"I think that there is balance in the Universe. All the pieces fit together like a puzzle that's too big for us to see. But, we're all part of the same puzzle, connected to each other. We don't need something bigger or more powerful to watch over us, we are all here to watch out for each other, the Universe sees to that."
"So, I guess you don't believe in Angels either."
"Perhaps some type of Angels exist, but who's to say where they fit into the puzzle or what their motives are. I guess I'd just have to wait and see."
Dean nodded at Jen. His expression made it difficult to determine what he really thought about that, but for now, he was done asking questions. He slowly got up and headed into the bathroom.
Sam had been listening to Jen carefully. In the years that he had known Jen, this was first time she had spoken about this subject. What she said was different from, well, anything he had ever heard before. Religious beliefs weren't exactly something that the Winchesters talked about, and they were mentioned even less often in college where students were usually getting away from their religious roots. Sam had always assumed that God was watching over them, well, God or nothing, and he had chosen to try and remain optimistic. Anything, even a God he wasn't sure about was better than nothing. Then, after this case, Sam wasn't even sure about that God. But, just as suddenly, Sam had a whole different perspective to consider.
The thing that really was sticking with him was "we are all here to watch out for each other, the Universe sees to that." It kept returning to his thoughts, like a reminder. If a God, or the Universe, or whatever it was, was watching over him, maybe it was in some indirect way. Sam looked toward Jen, still sitting beside him holding his hand. Jen had dropped everything to be with him, and he still didn't know why. Maybe she was the one watching over him.
Jen turned toward Sam. Her eyes shone as if with a smile though her lips didn't turn. At her look, all the emotion of this case hit him hard and his eyes filled with tears. He dropped Jen's hand and wrapped his arms around her in a hug as one tear slid down his cheek. She returned Sam's embrace. He whispered in her ear.
"So, do you think the Universe sent you to help me?"
Jen answered him with certainty. "I know it did."
Later that night, Sam was asleep, and Dean had been watching infomercials for a while, but shut them off, trying to fall asleep himself. It had been a while and he still wasn't sleeping. He was still thinking about everything, Angels, God, when Jen had said, and what his mother used to say.
The room was quiet, but not completely. A low hum was coming from Jen's chair in the corner. She must be awake. She was always awake it seemed. However, the humming was new. Dean had only just learned that she could sing and now it seemed that she did practically all the time. Usually, it didn't matter; Dean actually enjoyed the background more than the silence.
This time was different. Dean was just beginning to make out the tune and it hit him as Jen switched to lightly singing the words.
"Hey Jude. Don't make it bad. Take a sad song and make it better."
Tears filled Dean's eyes. Why did she have to go and pick that one now. He couldn't listen to it, he just couldn't.
"Please stop." He spoke, just above a whisper.
"Dean?" Jen responded. "You're awake?"
"The song. Please don't sing that song."
Jen looked at him, her eyes asking the question that Dean didn't want to have to answer. He knew he would though. Jen would never let him get away without an explanation. He might as well bite the bullet rather than drag it out. Tears began to fall down his cheeks as he whispered.
"Mom used to sing me that song. She didn't know any lullabies." He choked on the last word, and sniffled quietly as he brushed tears off his cheeks. Mom. Mom who sang Hey Jude and told Dean that there were Angels watching over him. Things he would never forget. Could never forget. Things he usually kept hidden away inside himself. These weren't things he could talk about with Sam. Dean knew that part of Sam was always jealous that Dean got to know their mother. Dad never talked about Mom. Yet, with Jen, it seemed to keep happening.
This case had almost been like torture. It was because of his mother that Dean couldn't easily believe in God and Angels. If they were really there, why do they let such evil things happen? Why would they let her die?
Dean's thoughts were interrupted by Jen's fingers gently brushing through his hair. She had pulled her chair right up to the bed without Dean noticing. She was silent now, just watching.
Dean began to think about what she said earlier, about the Universe finding balance. If that was true, where was the balance for his mother's life? He looked at Jen.
"Why would the Universe let Mom die?" He asked.
"I don't know. Honestly, we may never know. It's all so big that trying to work out all the details can make a person crazy. I have faith that somehow, somewhere, things are better because of that, even if it had to hurt like hell for that to happen."
Dean still wasn't sure. Faith was still a word he hadn't completely gotten used to. What seemed like a long time ago in Nebraska, Layla told him that she had faith that he was supposed to be healed and that she wasn't. This was the same kind of faith. Not knowing why something terrible was happening but knowing something good had to come of it.
Dean wanted to believe. He wanted to have this faith, however, all he could feel right now was pain and sadness.
Dean didn't realize how hard he was gripping the blankets until Jen slipped her other hand into his, moving the blanket and giving his hand a squeeze. She whispered.
"It's okay. I have enough faith for both of us."
As Dean lay, thinking, grasping Jen's hand, her melody began again, but it had changed.
"Now I've heard there was a secret chord
That David played, and it pleased the Lord
But you don't really care for music, do you?
It goes like this the fourth, the fifth
The minor fall, the major lift
The baffled king composing hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah …"
Dean couldn't remember hearing any other words as he finally fell asleep.
