While they were eating breakfast on the first day of the new semester, Hermitwo pointed to Foxglove, who had fallen asleep in his cereal.
"Goodness," she said. "He looks awful!"
"That's not fair," Rhon snapped. "I'm sure if he got a haircut, and maybe cleaned the Coco-pops out of his eyebrows, he'd look alright..."
Hermitwo rolled her eyes. "No, you dolt, I mean he looks sick."
"Oh," said Rhon, enunciating the vowel very clearly.
"You're right, Hermitwo," Harry said. "He does look sick. I hope he'll be well enough to give me another lesson on repelling Dementopeels tonight."
"He will be," Hermitwo said significantly.
Both boys blinked at her.
"What, you haven't figured it out yet?" she asked incredulously.
More blinking.
"I'm surrounded by IDIOTS," she sighed.
That night, Harry turned up at the Defense against the Dark Aardvark classroom, worried, but ready. Foxglove was there already, looking worn, like butter scraped over too much bread-
We're going to steal Tolkien's similes and there isn't anything you can do about it.
"Oh, hello Harry," Foxglove said. "Are you ready?"
"Didn't you read the last paragraph?" Harry asked.
Foxglove shook his head. "I'm very tired, Harry. I'm having trouble concentration on half the stuff these authors keep drooling out."
You're lucky I like you, Foxglove. Very lucky indeed.
"Pay close attention to what I say. The Tomatus Charm I will attempt to teach you tonight requires intensely strong concentration due to its intricate difficulty. Many qualified wizards have trouble perfecting it, so I implore you now to understand exactly how painstakingly difficult the whole process is."
"Doesn't matter," said Harry breezily. "I'm the archetypal invincible hero, remember?"
"True, true," said Foxglove. "But please at least look a bit apprehensive. You're ruining my moment!"
Foxglove's stature blurred in a whirl of his cloak and he reappeared holding a tomato.
"Whoa," said Harry. "Classy."
"In case of emergency," said Foxglove. "Now, you know what you're supposed to do – GO!"
He flung open a wardrobe door and a Dementopeel walked out. Harry imagined the shiny red surface of a shiny tomato, and yelled, "Expecto Tomatum!"
A red chipmunk holding a pair of tongs sprouted from the end of his wand, chattering angrily. The Dementopeel retreated hastily into the wardrobe and shut the door behind him.
"Well done, Harry, well done!" said Foxglove enthusiastically. "You'll be fine during any future Skeeditch pitch invasions! Now, chug down these ketchup packets or Madame Pomfrey will be after my blood. Literally," he said, glancing at a blood donor promotion poster on the war.
As Harry clambered back into Grandmador tower, he bumped into Professor McGallstone.
"Hmm. Well, Potter, after our extensive examination of your broomstick we decided that it was safe for riding. And if there are any hidden jinxes which overlooked our careful notice, we reckon that Jocular Brown deserves the chance to knock you off if he has the ability to hide them so cunningly!"
"Yay!" said Harry joyfully, snatching back the Fire Nanny.
When the next morning dawned, it brought with it the Ravenscoleslaw vs. Grandmador Skeeditch match. Harry, hardly nervous in slightest (when we say hardly, we mean he was slightly nervous... of Rhon turning him into a pickle again.) stroked his Fire Nanny, and was pleased to see the Slummin houses envious faces.
"Oh noes!" Darko squealed. "Harry, what if Dementopeels come and eat you? What will you do?"
"I only have to run faster than you, Darko," Harry responded, to the numerous guffaws of his team mates.
When they strode onto the Skeeditch pitch, Harry sized up his competition. The Ravenscoleslaw seeker was very pretty. Her name was So Wang Sti. She smiled warmly. Harry sniggered in a very teenaged manner.
The referee signaled both teams to mount their hoovers, and in the next second they were all soaring on the air. Harry patted his Fire Nanny 3000 fondly. It responded not only to his hairline movements but even to his thoughts, which he thought was quite a good trade for a small fortune and a spleen. Harry suddenly noticed the Snitch bobbing gingerly around one of the goal posts, and urged his hoover towards it.
So Wang Sti noticed what he was doing, and tore after him. Within a few seconds they were neck-to-neck. Within metres of the Snitch, Harry suddenly remembered his manners.
"After you," he said courteously to So Wang, motioning towards the goal posts. She obligingly dived for the Snitch.
Schwoodde, who had realised what Harry was doing from the other side of the pitch, began yelling. "YOU BETTER GET THE SNITCH, POTTE R, OR THERE'S MORE THAN MY WAKE-UP CALLS THAT YOU'LL BE IN FOR!"
Harry shook himself out of his reverie and dived for the Snitch, grabbing it picoseconds before So Wang did.
The crowd roared – after it had quieted down, Harry heard an odd "Whooooo," –ing noise come from the pitch below him. He looked down and saw three figures dressed in hooded yellow cloaks. Without a second thought he jinxed the lot of them with an extra-strong Acne Charm. His elation at winning the game only intensified when he discovered that they were Malfoil, Crabbe and Goyle. "Woot!"
There was much celebration in the Grandmador Common Room that evening. Harry lost count of the number of hands he shook and the amount of Peppermint Toads he consumed. Although, it seemed as though Hermitwo was keeping a strict tally.
In the midst of the jubilations, the portrait door swung open, and a scrubby-looking man with an unshaven look to him stumbled inside. His clothes looked like they hadn't been washed…since they were bought. He was holding a scrap of parchment with random words written on it.
"Oi, that's my password sheet!" snapped Neville Shortrear, snatching it back.
"You idiot, that's Jocular Brown!" screeched Hermitwo.
The intruder looked slightly startled. "Dear me, I'm very sorry to be disturbing you all," he said politely. "But do any of you know the location of a small grey rat? And I would appreciate a cup of tea, if it's convenient. I haven't had one for the last twelve years."
The Common Room erupted into a cacophony of screams and flailing limbs as everyone began to run all over the place. With an annoyed expression and muttering "No manners…simply no manners at all," Jocular Brown quickly made his exit.
