Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.
L tried not to be excited.
It was inappropriate to raise his hopes simply because Light admitted to being gay, but he couldn't deny being pleased at the new knowledge. Just because Light was attracted to men didn't mean he would be attracted to him. It did, however, mean that there was definitely nothing between him and Misa. He had known there was no emotional attachment, but Light was young, physical attraction could be a primary motivator.
Director Takimura's son…he had been a suspect when he had looked into the NPA and their relatives. He was a year older than Light, nowhere near as impressive intellectually or physically. It was impossible to deduce if the teen had a type from one person, but he hoped he was more interesting than the Director's son. But if it were solely physical attraction…
There was no point in thinking about it.
If Light cared for him, that was of less importance than everything else going on at the moment.
"I'll try my hardest to make you love me."
That was concerning to hear. He didn't know anything about love, but he knew what she expected was impossible.
"What?"Misa gasped,"You'd really kill me?"
"We did warn you."Aizawa said through clenched teeth.
"But I didn't think he'd ever think that."She pouted.
Light was watching the scene intensely, so he too turned his attention back to it. Kira revealed Ryuk to the second Kira. He smiled at the next interaction. Simply by calling him darling he didn't pick up on the rest of the question.
"Do pet names distract you, Light?"He asked his friend.
"No one's ever called me anything other than Light."The college student replied, but didn't look at him.
Hm…that was also concerning. Why was this episode bothering him so much? With the ones focused more on his kills he had been upset, but this was a different. He wasn't angry at actions he deemed his own, he wasn't guilty about using Misa. No, there was something going on inside that head of his. From the concerned way the Chief was also looking at his son, he knew.
So they had discussed more in that room than he had been told.
Well, it wasn't like Light was keeping secrets if he had told his father.
"Except for Kira, I suppose."He added as the scene switched briefly to his request that Mogi follow Kira. He was amused at the discussion that went on behind his back. Only two people had ever seen him sleep, and they were Watari and Light. Though the latter was only once, and that had been a strange morning. It was…pleasant to wake up to Light watching over him.
The scene went back to the Kiras and the plan he had seen through. Of course the second Kira agreed to it immediately, and then agreed to not speak to the police. That was all on the condition that they'd go on dates. He chuckled at Kira's frustration with the model, before he started explaining his situation to the dumb girl.
"But to make sure that our meetings don't stand out, I have to make sure that I'm seen with other girls, okay?"
That did not go over well with his girlfriend.
"If I see you with another girl, I'll kill her."
Light stiffened. Now he was really curious about what he hadn't been told. He assumed it would be a private discussion and he didn't want to miss any information. He paused the episode,"Matsuda, if you need to use the bathroom, go now."
The agent could have lasted longer, but he needed the small break.
Matsuda blushed, but did as he said.
"What's on your mind, Light?"He asked as the others broke into conversation. He leaned closer,"You can tell me anything."
"I have a theory."The teen looked at him,"The Death Note took my memory, but not all of the feelings connected to them."
"That would explain why Misa is still obsessed with you."He pondered it,"Do you feel an urge to kill me?"
"I already told you no."Light narrowed his eyes at him,"But if Kira wants me to get close to you we can safely say that worked."
"Indeed."He brought his thumb up to his mouth. Did that mean Light had an urge to get closer to him? Or was he managing to compartmentalize his emotions into Kira and Light? It wouldn't be hard for someone with Light's control to analyze the cause of his emotions and find the ones that didn't have a reason.
He hadn't thought he could experience something he could label as love until he got to know the real Light.
It was an…inexplicable emotion. He could give a number of reasons he admired and was attracted to the tragic teenager, but all of them put together wouldn't justify the feeling.
Some things truly were beyond explanation.
He hoped if Light was feeling something like that he wasn't mistaking it for Kira.
"What do your feelings say about Misa?"He inquired
"That breaking up with her was dangerous."He clenched his fists.
"Are you scared?"Fear was not an emotion he associated with Light, but he too would be scared if he was in a situation he had no power over and his memory was suspect.
"Do you have any idea what it's like to not trust your own mind?"No, he didn't.
"I trust you."
"You shouldn't."
"But I do."He smiled, just to aggravate him. He didn't resist his urge to reach out and touch him this time. He put his hand on his arm,"You are in control of your actions, Light, regardless of your feelings."The teen tensed, but he didn't move out of his touch,"That is one of your more aggravating qualities."
"If you're trying to be comforting, you aren't that good at it."Light rolled his eyes.
"How does Light prefer to be comforted?"He tilted his head,"Do you want a hug?"
"Just…stop trying to save me. It's pointless."Was that a blush? It wasn't like the college student to avert his gaze.
"It isn't pointless."He drew his hand back,"You mean more to me than I care to consider."
"Normal people don't say things like that, Ryuzaki."Light was definitely blushing this time.
"We aren't normal people."
The Chief was glaring at him now. Maybe he'd have to find an excuse to review the security tape of their conversation. Or perhaps he could tell his son was upset and assumed that he was the current cause of it. Rather overprotective, but if his son was doubting his own mind so much it was only natural for him to want to protect him from unnecessary stress.
Matsuda sat down and he continued the episode.
Light wanted him to give up on saving him? That wasn't happening.
Even if he had to save him from himself.
He knew it was pointless trying to use logic on the second Kira, but it was entertaining to watch Kira's frustration. That was, until he tried threatening her.
"If you do anything that results in this girl's death, the first thing I'll do is write your name in my Death Note. I will kill you."
L had wondered throughout their confinement why Kira had let the second continue despite being an obvious liability. Misa could have died in an accident and it wouldn't have even been suspicious. It was what made him suspect that Light might actually have feelings for her. Now, he saw that it was only because of the threat to his own life that all of this had happened.
Another Shinigami was willing to give their life for Misa's.
No wonder Light had felt in danger by breaking up with her. If Rem was willing to kill for her life, then she was probably willing to kill for her happiness as well. That put Light's life in immediate danger.
"Thanks to you, Rem. Light really is going to be my knight in shining armor."
Kira feared Rem, or, as was revealed when he was alone, thought her a bigger threat to him than himself. Light likely feared Rem as well, but he didn't remember Rem, so he associated that fear with Misa. It was a good way to make sure that he retained control over Misa when he regained his memories, that Light wouldn't go and break up with her like he had. He sincerely hoped the Shinigami didn't check on Misa, and that she never regained her powers.
After ensuring his family's secrecy, the scene moved to Kira with another woman. It showed that he was going to date other women as cover, though he did go a little far with the flattery. The scene after was Kira with the task force examining the last video sent. He remembered this conversation, the ease which Kira kept pace with his thoughts and didn't interrupt with questions like the others.
"It will be a problem if you were Kira. Because…I feel you are the first friend that I've ever had."
L pressed his thumb down on his lip. How convenient, showing all of Kira's deceptions one after the other. Him deciding to play the role of boyfriend for Misa and Miss Takada, his lies to his family, and their friendship, back then merely a façade as they both searched for a way to stop the other.
"Were you lying?"Light asked him, as Matt snickered at the coincidence of Kira deciding he couldn't be seen and Misa jumping on him.
"The person Kira was pretending to be I considered a friend."The detective answered carefully,"Since he was pretending to be Light Yagami, I have considered us friends for a while."A complicated answer, but it was a complicated situation.
"Could you ask Rem to kill L?"
The world's greatest detective shifted in his seat. There wasn't a rule that prevented Rem from killing him, and it wouldn't even negatively impact her so long as he wasn't a threat to Misa's life. He had been lucky that he'd moved when he did or he'd have died the next to Kira visited the task headquarters.
"So that's the plan."Light muttered,"I'm going to have Rem kill you."
"There must be a way to stop it."L replied in kind.
Letting Misa go was the obvious solution. As long as he could find a way to control both Death Notes she would not be a threat to society anymore…but where he could have Light work with him to redeem himself, he would be unable to do the same with the model. Like he had said, he was willing to risk his life to solve the case, but to knowingly die. No, it wasn't just himself anymore.
Everyone in the room now knew without a doubt that Misa was the second Kira. Rem would have to kill them all to save her.
Even if, by some miracle, they worked out an agreement, he feared for what would become of Light with Rem still around Misa. She desperately wanted Light to love her. She had already threatened to kill any other girl she saw around him. It would be easy for Rem to make that threat become a reality until Light was either forced to give in or live a life of solitude.
No, it was likely that the threats would grow past his partners. If Rem threatened his family…well, Light was an amazing actor.
He'd do what was necessary to survive, even if it wasn't much of a life.
"I could kill her."Light looked disgusted just saying that,"Then Rem will kill me and both Kiras would be gone."
"Not an option."L shot that down immediately.
"Stop trying to save me,"The teenager stared at him, the usual fire that would have made it a glare absent,"There's no way I make it out of here alive. I can at least-"
"Stop it."He hated having to be the optimistic one,"Light, I will save you."
"Why would you bother?"
They'd had this conversation many times, but this was the first time Light had inquired why he wanted him to live. He had told him he needed him for the case, that he cared about him, that they would share the same fate, but in response to others statements. He paused. There were many reasons why he felt Light's life was worth saving, perhaps more than his own, but could he be honest?
If Light didn't return his feelings, or worse, returned them but thought that his feelings were Kira trying to make him lower his guard, a confession on his part would make things worse between them. It would likely drive the Chief to demand that the handcuffs be taken off, and that would give Light the opportunity to be alone.
Light couldn't be left alone in the state he was. He would certainly lose him.
"Ryuzaki."Matsuda grabbed his attention,"Can you pause it?"
Matsuda only decided to interrupt when it looked like no one else was going to. He knew the rest of the team was largely ignoring Misa's presence, and he wanted to. She was the reason Ukita was dead. She had done it to get Kira's attention, and not for any idealistic cause. But that was the problem he wanted to address.
Ryuzaki paused it when he asked, and he sort of felt bad interrupting whatever conversation the two of them had been having. He knew they needed to have this conversation before they got any further.
"You do realize Light will never love you, right?"The young NPA detective asked the model.
There were so many things wrong with their relationship. Light had only agreed to it so he could use her, and then realized he would have to continue doing it or die. Misa was willing to do anything to please the person she thought she loved, even murder a friend. Above all that, she said a few times that she would make Light love her.
"You can't force someone to fall in love."He continued.
This obsession of hers….it was unhealthy. He'd dealt with enough domestic abuse cases to see where they were heading.
Besides, if they could convince Misa to help them, maybe she could stop Rem from killing them all.
"Duh, Matsui."She rolled her eyes,"Light won't love me if we don't spend any time together. If you guys would just stop getting in our way, we'd be happy by now."
That was dangerous. He felt the rest of their team tense. If Rem heard her say she'd be happier with all of them gone they'd be killed. She was still dangerous even without her memories.
"You'd be happy."Aizawa snapped,"Light wouldn't be."
"I wouldn't make him unhappy!"She pouted.
"You wouldn't mean to make him miserable, but you would."And Light would hide it. He wondered, if the Death Note had never been dropped, if his young friend ever would have come out. He felt sad that they never would have noticed. But the college student was ambitious, and as accepting as he liked to think the world was, his sexuality would have been an extra obstacle in his career path.
"I love him!"Misa protested,"I love him enough for both of us!"
"That's not how love works!"The Chief argued,"A successful relationship takes effort on both sides."
"I don't want to live in a world without Light!"There were tears in her eyes.
He pitied her. She lost her parents. She'd almost seen their killer walk free. She'd found a reason to live in Kira, was willing to put everything she had to support him. She truly thought there was nothing else. And she convinced herself that worship was true love. She thought she would be happy in a relationship where she was just a tool, where she had no real power once Light found a way to get rid of Rem.
He had no doubts the college student had a plan to get rid of her. Kira definitely had to have one.
Once that happened…all he saw was misfortune.
"You're going to have to."Matsuda said,"Trust me, you'll be better off."
Misa shook her head,"You're just afraid of what Light and I can do together!"
"You think you're working together?"Mello snapped,"Have we been watching two different things? Cause all I see is some idiot being a liability."Matt put a hand on his shoulder but he flinched away from the contact,"Kira would have continued just fine without you. Actually, he'd be better off without you! All you've done is increase suspicion around him and almost give away your Death Notes. I'm sure as we keep going it'll be revealed that all of this is your fault!"
"Wake the fuck up and face reality."The blond growled,"What you want isn't what others need. What you think you're entitled to isn't automatically yours. Just because your heart's in the right place doesn't make you right."He glared at her,"You've become no better than the stalker that tried to kill you a few months ago."
"I would never!"She rose from her seat.
Mello did as well,"Wouldn't you? What did your stalker say again? I love you more than anyone else in the world? I wanna protect you forever? If I can't have you, how can I go on?"He scoffed,"Tell me how you're being different right now."
"It just is!"Misa screamed,"What do you know about love anyways?! Your parents are dead!"
That seemed to subdue the boy for a moment, before he snarled. Matt quickly tugged him back down onto the couch and Near latched onto his other arm to prevent him from fighting the model. The white haired child managed a truly fearsome glare at the model, while the other worried more over Mello, who had slipped into another language while he ranted at her.
Matsuda could agree with Kira on this one thing. He'd never been tempted to hit a woman before now.
His earlier pity was gone,"Love shouldn't be forced."He said, loud enough to be heard over Mello's anger,"Relationships are worth fighting for, but you can't be the only one fighting…"He glanced at Light,"And if he really doesn't want to be in a relationship with you, then if you really love him you should respect that."
"Love should be reciprocal."The Chief added,"If it isn't felt by both sides…then it isn't real."
"And I don't love you."Light finally spoke,"Misa…I could never love you."
She started crying harder,"What am I supposed to do?!"
"Keep living."Matsuda answered,"You have your whole life in front of you,"Seeing as they couldn't touch her without any of them dying, he wasn't sure how they were going to get justice passed on her,"You're still young and famous, you still have a career in modelling and you have that movie coming up."He was her manager, he knew she had a future,"You had a life before Light. It won't be that hard to have one after."
She just kept crying.
He could only hope what they said got through to her. Without her, they really had no way of stopping Rem.
It felt terrible manipulating her…but was it really manipulation if it ended up helping her?
He was conflicted, but the Chief patted him on the back,"Good decision, Matsuda."
Honestly, he wasn't sure what love was, but he had faith he would recognize it when the time came.
