"I don't want to go back" Castiel said leaning against his chest and sighing deeply as he played with his hands and peered up at him. "Let's just stay here forever…me and you…no one else"
"What would we do when our money runs out?"
"We'd survive, I'd get a job somewhere…they always want cooks and you can get a job somewhere" he said softly looking forward with a hard swallow. "We could get a little apartment…overlooking New York…and we could be happy"
"What about your family?"
"I'd talk to them someday"
"They would think you're with Balthazar and I've left her and I'm living with Sam" he said moving to kiss his neck. "We have to go back, Cas, we have to return to reality and face up to our choices"
"I don't want to" he murmured closing his eyes and turning on his side to lay his head on his shoulder. "These two weeks have been amazing and I…I can't watch you go back to her, Dean, I can't"
"Cas…"
"No, Dean, I can't and it hurts enough as it is" he said turning around in his arms to look at him and kneeling on the bed. "I know what I want, I've known since the moment I knew I wanted you in more ways one, I know what I want but what do you want Dean? Do you want me or Anna?"
"Cas, don't…" he said struggling away from him.
"What? Don't say it, don't ask, don't what, Dean? I just want to know what and who you really want?"
"You know who I want"
"Maybe but I want to hear you say it" he murmured reaching out and touching his cheek.
Dean looked up meeting his eyes and opened his mouth to speak when his phone went distracting him.
"I better…" he said gesturing at it and answering the phone call.
"Dean, babe, are you coming back tomorrow?"
"Anna, hey, yeah, I am" he said with a hard swallow getting up to pace the room. "Why?"
"I just wanted to know, I really, really, miss you and I think we need a talk when you get back, nothing-nothing bad but a few changes need to be made…don't you think?"
"Sure"
"What time will you be back?"
"Afternoon sometime"
"Okay…okay, um, I love you"
"You too" he murmured hanging up and looking down at the cell phone.
"I'm guessing "you too" was answering her "I love you", wasn't it?" Castiel said bitterly standing up and heading towards the door not bothering to hear his answer.
"Cas, where are you going?"
"Out" he said walking out and slamming the door behind him and going for a walk. After two weeks he had a general idea of the place and put his head down as he walked wanting to breathe and think. Castiel wanted Dean to choose him, he had always wanted that to happen and he had believed it would. Dean had to make a choice and whatever the choice there was going to be severe consequences.
Dean dropped to lie back on the bed with a groan closing his eyes. He did know who he wanted but it was about speaking the words, saying the things he wanted and facing up to what they had both done. It wasn't going to be easy. He didn't know how long he was sat there waiting for the door but as the minutes inched forward and he looked over to see it was nearly 11.30pm and sighed pulling out his phone to call him. He was about to press call when the door opened and Castiel walked in with flushed pink cheeks, windblown hair and a stumble to his step.
"You're drunk" Dean said sitting up and looking at him.
"I found a liquor store and I drank it…sue me" he said with a shrug stripping out of his clothes. Dean remained silent watching him stumble over his shoes and frown at them like they were alive.
"They-they tripped me up" he murmured flopping on the bed and crawling under the covers. "My feet hurt"
"Where did you go?"
"I don't know" he murmured closing his eyes. "I don't really care"
"You stink of liquor, Cas, and cigarettes"
"I smoked the entire pack" he said with a chuckle looking up at him. "I…I tried to get a cat but it was too fast"
"You tried to catch a cat?"
"Yeah, it was brown and white…it had yellow and green eyes" he murmured moving closer to him so Dean could pull him into his arms with a small smile pressing his lips to his forehead.
"I think we should get a cat, Dean"
"Okay"
"I want us to stay here; I want to be with you"
"Okay"
"Kiss me"
Dean obeyed tilting his chin up and kissing him softly opening his mouth to stroke his tongue in tasting the raw taste of his alcohol. It made him feel dizzy as he kissed him slowly stroking a hand down his side and scratching his nails on the smooth skin of his hip bone. Castiel moaned fingers gripping loosely around his t-shirt till he pulled away breathless and shutting his eyes sleepily. Dean watched him carefully slip into a deep sleep as his hand dropped from his t-shirt and he breathed deeply. He reached out smoothing the hair from his forehead and dropped a soft kiss there before holding him close and sleeping himself.
The next morning was not a pleasant one for Castiel or Dean who had to deal with a hung over Castiel snapping at him for nothing and generally being a dick.
"Get in the car" Dean ordered when the bill was paid, the bags were packed and put in the car and he was waiting for Castiel walking over to him in sunglasses and a scowl etched onto his face. "Stop being a bitch with me"
"No"
"I will kick you onto the kerb, Cas, I swear to god" he muttered slamming his door shut and waiting for Castiel who leaned against the side ignoring him.
"I have to stay in a motel all on my own tonight"
"Cas, we…"
"I know"
Dean gritted his teeth not liking being at odds with him but kept his silence as he drove out and onto the main roads. The drive was long and with only one stop to refuel and for Castiel to throw up in it was tiring. Dean leaned against the side of the car watching a weak Castiel walk back over with a pale complexion and the black sunglasses clashing with his skin.
"You look like shit" Dean commented when he stood in front of him. "Coffee?"
"Yes" he said grabbing the spare and sipping it with a wince. "This is awful"
"Sorry princess, it's all they have" he said with a small smile which faded as he walked around and got back in the car.
"How long till the motel?"
"Two hours" Dean murmured driving out. "You'll be fine for one night"
"What are you going to do?"
"I'm going to get back, sleep, and…eat" he said with a shrug. "I wouldn't worry about me having sex with Anna, I can barely kiss her"
"I wasn't worried"
"Okay"
"You told me to stop being a bitch but you're being one right back, Dean"
"The first thing you said to me this morning was the smell of me was making you feel sick, Cas"
"It was your aftershave, Dean, not you"
"Whatever"
"I can't talk to you when you're being like this" Castiel muttered in disgust turning away to look out of the window. Dean scowled looking over to him and away as the time passed by and they arrived outside the motel Castiel had stayed at for two days. Dean parked staring out of the window and turned towards him to see he was doing the same.
"I'll see you tomorrow"
"Okay" he murmured reaching for the handle and stopped when Dean's hand reached out and seized his wrist. "What?"
Dean didn't speak as he pulled him across hard cupping the side of his cheek and kissing him hard. Castiel groaned softly pressing into him enjoying the warmth and pulled away with a shaky gasp.
"That wasn't fair"
"I'll see you tomorrow" he murmured kissing him softly and pulling away with a cocky grin. Castiel pouted for a moment clinging to him and glancing at the motel.
"I don't want to be here alone"
"I know, Cas, but…"he said trailing off. "Just for today"
"Fine, I'll see you tomorrow then" he said climbing out and getting his bags out. Castiel watched as the car drove back out and he glanced at the motel not wanting to stay here but it was the last resort as he moved up and booked in for a room.
Dean pulled up at the drive and got out of the car looking out and up at the house to see the front door open and Anna run out. He sighed softly climbing out and huffing when arms wrapped around him.
"Oh my god I have missed you so much" she said moving away and kissing him softly. Dean hummed pulling away and flashing a small smile.
"How've you been?"
"Okay, I've missed you though and mom is getting better slowly and surely since dad contacted us and said he'll be home in a week but no word from Michael" she said as they walked up to the house. "No word from Castiel either"
"Oh"
"We think him and Balthazar are back together" she said with a shake of his head. "Stupid man"
"He's probably fine, I-I spoke to him" he lied casually. "They're not back together and he's back tomorrow"
"Oh…right" she said confused as they walked inside. "Mom, he's back"
"Dean" Kendal said stepping and hugging him briefly. "How was New York?"
"It was very good"
"Oh I bet it was"
Dean looked up to see Gabriel walking downstairs with a drink in his hand, a cool smile and mischief flaming in his eyes.
"I got to see my brother and his fiancée again, of course I did"
"Oh I'm sure"
"Do you have a problem, Gabriel?"
"Oh no, no, no, I'm glad your back, Deano!" he said cheerfully slapping his back hard so Dean jolted forward and looked over his shoulder to glare at him.
"Ignore him…he's being strange lately" she said with a sigh. "Come on"
Dean followed after her glancing over his shoulder to see Gabriel watching him with no expression on his face. He swallowed down the lump in his throat feeling uneasy and walked into the bedroom to see empty boxes in the corner and frowned looking at Anna fidgeting uneasily.
"What's with the boxes?" he murmured dropping his bag on the floor.
"I've been thinking, well, Gabriel helped me and I was thinking that we need to get out of here. I love my parents, my sister, my brothers but I love you as well…I love you more and we need to get out of this house and work on our marriage, Dean. We haven't had sex in months, we haven't talked and you barely kiss me anymore and I just think we need a new start"
Dean stared at her horrified looking at the boxes. "Are you insane? Anna, we have no money, no job, and I'm fine here"
"See that's that why Gabriel is going to help, he's going to lend us the money to get an apartment, get out of here, and when we get jobs we can pay him back…"
"No way, you-you think I'm going to be in debt to your brother?!" he cried shaking his head. "This is a stupid idea and I-I don't want to leave"
"What's keeping you here?"
"I like it and I..." he said trailing off and looking out of the window. "I don't want to leave"
"We need to work on our marriage"
"Then let's work on it here, what is the point in moving into a brand new apartment with a marriage barely hanging onto a thread!?" he shouted turning towards her. "You know why we married…"
"Don't"
"Yes, Anna, we married for the baby, we married for the baby we lost and now it's just…this" he said gesturing between them.
Gabriel paused on the stairs listening in and knew this would happen. Dean wouldn't leave Castiel behind and move in to a new apartment with a woman he didn't love anymore. He could feel the fierce protection he felt on Anna's behalf and had a good right to walk in there and ruin Dean right in front of her, showing her what a man he was, but it wasn't really his right. It was up to Dean, it was about shoving Dean to make the right decision one way or the other and suffer the consequences. It was about Dean making a decision but it was also about making Castiel see the error of his ways and see what he truly wanted.
~0~0~0~
Castiel was more than pleased to leave the motel and return back home, return back to Dean. It was depressing to wake up and look across an empty queen bed. It was a relief to pull up at the drive and pay the taxi as he looked up at the house. The door opened to reveal Gabriel who walked out with a small smile.
"Castiel" he said in greeting as they hugged briefly. "I see things worked out for the best"
"What?" Castiel said confused. "We resolved our issues if that's what you're talking about"
"I see that"
"How can you see that?"
"The apartment" he said nodding over.
"What about it"
"Go in" he said gesturing over to it.
"I'd rather shower and sleep first…"
"Seriously, just…go in" Gabriel said shoving him forward gently. "You can thank me later and no one is in anyway"
"Where is everyone?"
"Mom is with a friend, Rachel is with her friends, and Anna and Dean are having lunch"
"Oh" he murmured looking over to the apartment and handing him his suitcase. "Fine, take this"
Castiel eyed him curiously walking over to the apartment and stepping inside. He opened the next door stepping in and stopping shocked at the man lounging across the sofa smoking.
"What the hell are you doing here?!" he said shutting the door and locking it.
"I've missed you too darling" Balthazar murmured looking at him with a small smile. "No, really, I've missed you"
"What are you doing here? What have you said to my family?"
"Well I arrived here two days ago after a successful trip to Denmark, I came here looking for you and I got your brother who ushered me into this place asking me why I was here. I told him and he seemed a little surprised before telling me you were in New York…"
Castiel gaped at him and turned looking at the door feeling the dread fill him. Gabriel knew about them. A sick feeling erupted in his stomach and he looked back to Balthazar.
"What else?"
"Your brother told me you would be back in a few days and to wait in here for you…he brought me food like a hostage" he said with a snort. "I don't think the others know I'm here which is a curious act I think so tell me, Cassy, why would your brother hide me from the rest of your family?"
"It seems to me that my brother knows more about me than I realised and I may…I may have said I travelled to Denmark to see you"
"But you didn't"
"No"
"You went to New York and I'm guessing not on your own…?"
"Yes"
"Oh how curious" Balthazar murmured raking his eyes up and down him. "What's going on?"
"Wait here" Castiel ordered moving out and slamming the front door shut before running up the stairs and inside.
"GABRIEL!" he shouted and waited breathing hard for Gabriel to walk down slowly till he reached the bottom.
"Yes?"
"You know"
"Know what"
"Don't act coy with me, Gabriel! You know don't you?" he shouted into his face.
Gabriel breathed out slowly. "Do I know that you and Dean are fucking like rabbits? Yes, I do"
"How long?" he said slowly stepping back from him.
"Oh about a month now" he said with a raised eyebrow. "I'm very, very, good at keeping secrets and keeping things to myself"
"How?"
"You really should keep the fucking in the bedroom and not in the shower" he replied heading to the kitchen. "I was surprised I'll give you that and when I realised what was happening I guess it faded. I mean, you two, you are so close, creepily close and I figured it is so Castiel to betray his own family"
Castiel followed after him watching him walk around the kitchen with hard eyes. "I haven't betrayed my family"
"Oh but you have little brother! Shall I remind you of our family? I think you've forgotten! So, let's start with daddy, our dad who is never there, who couldn't care less about us and certainly not you or me, then there's mommy, our mom, our sick, co-dependent mother who cannot bear her children leaving her and she wonders why we want to run away, then there's our eldest brother, Michael, who we never see, then there's me, then there's little Rachel, the annoying brat but you can't help but adore her rainbow socks and then there's Anna, remember Anna!? Your little whore's wife, your sister, and then there's you. You who came out gay and I'm not judging, I'd be hypocrite to judge but there's certain disappointment over the both of us. I've never had a full time relationship, you have and yours cheated on you but instead of chucking him away with the rest of the rubbish you took him back as your little fuck buddy! The amount of times I have heard you and that man having sex is unreal" Gabriel ranted at him. "You were a fool, you still are, you don't think, Castiel, you look and you take. You looked at your sister's husband and you took him all for your own! You reached out them greedy hands and you took him away, you fucked him, and you didn't care less. That is a family betrayal! You have not only ruined their marriage, you're going to break mom's heart, you're going to lose the respect of Rachel, and when dad finds out?! He won't want to know you anymore and Michael…well he's the slave of his new tart"
Castiel listened carefully feeling shaky and sweaty from his words hitting him hard and fast.
"You're wrong. The moment I met Dean I didn't like him, I thought he was another of Anna's conquests, a marriage that wouldn't last and then she came to me, she asked to be his friend, to look out for him while they were here. I said yes. I got to know him, really know him, and yeah…I wanted him. I do and I will always feel guilty and disgusted in myself for taking him but I can't regret it. We both knew what we were doing when we kissed for the first time from there it escalated to having sex anywhere we could to a secret two week trip to New York and I lied" he said slamming his hands down on the side facing him. "You know the reason why they married"
"Anna told me"
"Yes, they married for the baby who died inside her and now they're married for nothing but a need and a child which is gone. He doesn't love her"
"So why is he still with her?"
"Why do you think?"
"Because he's a coward"
"In a way, yes, but that's not just it…he needs to choose"
"Exactly and so do you…"
Castiel looked out of the kitchen window with a nod. "Why did you hide Balthazar?"
"Well I didn't want them finding out, it would look a little odd that you've travelled out to see him and he's here" Gabriel said with a snort of laughter. "I was protecting your sorry ass but you need to make a choice to"
"What choice?"
"I meant what I said before you left for New York about Balthazar"
"I don't love him…" Castiel said shaking his head and cutting off when the front door opened and Anna walked in with Dean talking animatedly.
"Castiel!" Anna said running over and hugging him tight. "You're home, you never called"
"I, um, it was bad signal over there"
"Yeah, he only managed to call me once didn't you?" Dean said interrupting him.
"Yes" Castiel said startled with a nod looking at him and then Gabriel who leaned against the side watching them.
"Wow" Gabriel murmured looking down at the kitchen lino.
Castiel opened his mouth to speak when the door went again and he hurried over opening the door.
"I got bored of waiting" Balthazar said leaning against the side. "I've been cooped up in there and…oh company"
Castiel turned his head to see Dean and Anna behind him staring at Balthazar curiously.
"I-I'll be there in a moment just go wait in the apartment" Castiel hissed at him.
"Oh are you…you're Balthazar aren't you?" Anna said stepping forward.
"I am the very one"
Dean's eyes flashed in recognition and he looked at Castiel confused. Castiel pleaded with eyes that he would speak to him later and with one last glance to Gabriel stepped out and shut the door behind him.
"Move!"
"Well" Anna murmured with a blink. "It looks like I was right, they are back together"
Dean watched her move upstairs feeling more confused than ever and a quick glance to Gabriel watching him made him snap.
"What?"
"Oh nothing…just…admiring the entertainment around me. I have work; I'll see you later, Deano"
Dean ignored him in favour to moving into the living room and sitting down. His knee jutted up and down thinking about Castiel and Balthazar in that apartment together and felt sick chewing on the end of his thumb waiting. All he could was wait.
"Why are you here?!" Castiel said furious closing the door behind him. "Why have you returned?"
"You know why"
"No I don't"
"I missed you, Cas"
"That is not a reason to return, Balthazar, I want you to leave and never come back"
"No I want you back"
"What?" he said with a burst of laughter. "Are you actually insane?"
"Yes, I think I am a little but I want you back, I should have never…"
"Cheated? No you shouldn't have because the moment you slept with that first slut you ruined anything we had or ever would have" Castiel said sitting down opposite him. "Was it worth it? Was she good?"
"I was drunk"
"That is always an excuse, it's always an excuse with you" he said softly shaking his head. "You fucked her and so many after her and then you came back to me and lied over and over again till I saw the pictures and countless videos of them performing acts I wouldn't"
"I'm sorry"
"I don't care anymore"
"I love you"
Castiel looked away from him with a hard swallow. "Well I don't love you, not anymore, I took you back for sex and with the sex I fucked away all of the love I had. I don't love you anymore and I never will because…"
"Because…?"
"I love someone else now"
"Who?"
"That doesn't matter" he replied quickly. "All that matters is you go away and leave me"
"You love someone else" Balthazar said slowly getting up. Castiel stood up watching him walk over and grab a bottle of whisky pulling it towards him to pour a glass. "Someone new, someone you've met recently or…?"
"Not really"
"Someone new…I noticed the way you looked at your sister's husband" he said slowly turning to meet his eyes and smiled. "There it is…there's that little spark in your eyes…I know you, I know you better than anyone and it's him isn't it?"
"N-No" he said shaking his head and stopping still when Balthazar circled him pressing a mouth to his ear.
"Liar"
"Just go"
"I want you back, I can win you back" he murmured trailing his hands up his shirt and scraping his nails across the tender skin of his stomach. "You can't have your sister's husband, he's not yours, but I am"
"No…" he murmured turning his head away from his mouth kissing behind his ear.
"We'll see about that" he said moving away to collect his jacket. Castiel stared forward hearing him move out of the apartment and shut the door behind him. He didn't know how long he was there staring forward at nothing till there was a knock.
"Cas"
"Dean" he said turning towards him.
"Is it true? Are you back together…in a day?"
"No, he came back two days ago so Gabriel hid him because he knows about us, he heard us together"
"Oh I fucking knew it" he said closing his eyes and turning away. "So what happens now? What do we do now?"
"Balthazar wants me back but I don't want him, I want you, I just want you and you need to make a decision, Dean, right now" he said softly. "It's me or Anna before Gabriel tells her what is going on"
Dean inhaled deeply walking over to him and pulling him towards him as he kissed him.
"Okay but before I make it I'm going tell you everything"
"Really?"
"Are you ready for it? I don't tell anyone this, it's too painful"
"I'm here" he murmured touching his cheek and trailing it down slowly feeling the grains of his stubble underneath his fingertips. "I'm listening"
"Okay, here we go…"
A/N: I'll write that in the next chapter. Thank you for all the reviews!
