A/N: Okay, I'm sorry for the distinct lack of updates, but exams are taking priority at the moment. I had this lurking around in my documents folder, I edited it up and ta da! Here we are – Listy as a woman.
I should stress at this point that readers of a nervous disposition may want to abandon ship now – it's gonna get freaky…
Reviews welcomed! Many thanks to: Radarrox, The Summoning Dark and robster72 for being such loyal readers/reviewers!
Also, thanks to The Summoning Dark, for pestering me to get something posted! Cheers!
P.s - here's 2 chapters to make up for lack of updates!
Sunny
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Lister wanted to die.
If the Grim Reaper had turned up at that precise moment, proclaiming how his time was spent, Lister would have gladly patted Him on the back and promised to buy the first round when they get to 'the other side'. As it happens, the notorious cloaked scythe carrier did not appear, so Lister was stuck in his own idea of hell.
The last three days had somehow disappeared, hurled into that deep, dark dustbin of Time like the rotting remnants of yesterday's rubbish, leaving Lister with just a 24 hour period between him and the most humiliating event ever to grace the universes - followed almost certainly by a no doubt painful death.
So it was fairly easy to see why Lister was praying for some divine (or not so divine) intervention, to swoop down and end the madness. But sods law, all deities – holy, magical, mythical, spiritual and phoney – were unavailable at the present moment, leaving him to fester in his misery.
Naturally, his loathing of everything (especially Rimmer and his warped mind) only intensified as he stood in his bunk room, clad in a pair of women's jeans, a slinky black top and jacket, not to mention a pair of lacy knickers and a 'wonderbra' - both of which weren't half as comfortable as he'd been led to believe. Kryten was adding the finishing touches to his hair and make up, flashing him reassuring smiles at random intervals and whistling merrily.
"Kryten…." asked Lister
"Yes sir" replied the mechanoid
"Where the smeg did we get all these women's clothes from?"
Kryten smiled "Oddly enough sir, we found them in one of the supply rooms…." He chuckled "it's rather funny isn't it, we've barely got enough food but we've got a whole wardrobe of stylish women's clothing that's in your size."
"Yeah" agreed Lister sourly, "Very funny!"
Kryten took a step backwards, cocked his head slightly to the left and surveyed his human master through the narrowed eyes of a critic demanding nothing short of perfection. He smiled and set down his make up brush with the contented flurry of a satisfied artist. "I think we're done sir, you can look now."
Lister shook his head, sending his newly aqquired (and obviously fake) curls bouncing in all directions. "No, I don't wanna look."
Kryten looked disappointed "Sir, don't you want to see how lovely you are!"
"No."
The mechanoid attempted to steer Lister towards the mirror but the human snapped his eyes shut. Inside his head he began screaming for himself to wake up, to stop having this awful nightmare and to get back to nice, normal reality where he didn't have to be a woman.
"Sir" came Kryten's voice, half pleading and half scolding.
"Don't even bother Kryten" replied Lister, keeping his eyes firmly shut "I'm not looking in that mirror for anythin', okay? In fact, I'm not even opening my eyes!" he paused for a second before adding "Ever" as an afterthought.
The mechanoid sighed in a frustrated manner. If there was one thing he hated it was good work not being appreciated. "Sir" he gently pulled Lister away from the mirror "Please, look at me a moment"
Lulled into a comforting sense of security by Kryten's voice, he sighed and gently eased open his eyes "what?"
Kryten gave an evil grin (well, as evil as a mechanoid with a restrictive behaviour protocols could get) and pushed Lister back in front of the mirror, so he was staring his reflection in the face, with no means of escape.
His eyes widened and his mouth dropped. Words failed him. Kryten hovered closely behind, watching Lister watch himself in the mirror. A very long silence occurred, followed by a fairly substantial pause and then there was a period where nobody spoke.
Lister was shocked….and he was ashamed to admit it was good kind of shocked. 'A surprise birthday party' type of shock rather than 'oh my god, I've just cut my hand off' shock. He actually looked like a woman….and not a half bad looking woman either…in fact, as far as 'men dressed as women' went; he looked kind of…hot.
A smile somehow gained access to his lips, and he gave a small laugh "I look quite cute" he said, admiring his reflection up and down. Then reality came and slapped him round the face – he was guy - a guy wearing woman's clothes and actually enjoying it!
"What the hell am I saying!" he groaned, tearing himself away from the mirror "I look like a pratt, there is no way those guys are ever gonna believe I'm a woman. We're as good as dead" he flopped down onto the bed and groaned again.
"I think you look very pretty sir" smiled Kryten "In fact sir...I'd go as far as to say, if I was human – I'd 'do' you!" Pleased at his perfect demonstration of colloquial language, he grinned and awaited a response.
"Thanks" said Lister "I think…" he chewed nervously on his bottom lip as a thousands and one thoughts raced around his head, tumbling over each other, competing for 'brain time'. "Do you really think we can pull this off Krytes?" he asked suddenly, his newly painted eyes gazing at his metal friend expectantly.
"Yes sir" replied Kryten with a smile that looked 110 per cent genuine "I'm completely confident you can pull this off!"
A look of doubt must still have been blatantly evident on Lister's features as it caused Kryten to comment, as casually as possible "When I was back on the Nova 5, I served 8 women and I think sir, I can honestly say not one of them was as attractive as you are now."
Lister blinked in utter surprise before giving a small laugh, an interesting combination of embarrassment and disbelief "Yeah right…." He dismissed
"No sir, I mean it. Not one of them could hold a candle to you – not a torch, a match, a lighter or indeed any kind of lighting implement." His plastic grinned stretched across his face "I think what I'm trying to say sir, is that you're a bit of a babe!"
Somewhere deep inside of Lister a tiny flicker of confidence was transformed in a raging inferno. All doubts were cast aside and suddenly, he felt as though he could accomplish anything – even waltzing onto a ship inhabited solely by males and convince them all that he was in fact, a she!
Trying to sound nonchalant Lister raised an eyebrow "Seriously?"
"As serious as a very strict librarian sir" said Kryten,
That was all the confirmation Lister needed, with compliments like that still floating about in the air, he stood up, flicked his hair back and strode forward, ready to show Rimmer exactly how good Davina Lister was!
