A/N1 Another chapter. Let's get right to it.
Thanks for all the responses, the reviews and PMs.
Don't own Chuck.
Sarah vs. Omaha
CHAPTER ELEVEN
Love Goes On
Lovers trip, lovers stumble
Lovers dip, lovers fumble
Lovers lip where love has crumbled
Beyond caution where lovers walk
-Elvis Costello, Lovers Walk
Midday, Echo Park, Chuck abed. Napping. Dozing. Asleep in dreams. Sarah.
"Chuck?" Chuck is instantaneously awake. Sarah is halfway in, halfway out of the Morgan Door. Arriving or departing?
"Sarah." Somehow, that is Chuck's answer to her question. He stands up, self-consciously adjusting his bed-wrinkled polo shirt. Sarah is looking at him-her eyes as full as he has ever seen them. She is in them.
ooOoo
Midday, Echo Park, Sarah entering the Morgan Door. Hoping against hope. Awake with fear. Chuck.
"Chuck?" She does not want to scare him or confuse him. She waits in the Morgan Door for a response. He immediately says her name, as if it were his answer. To everything. Her hands tremble, but not as before. This is not dread or remorse. It is anticipation. So close: she is so close to everything she wants.
Chuck stands up in one motion but then starts smoothing out his shirt, trying to make himself presentable. He looks miraculous, delicious. Her heart pounds and her mouth waters.
She realizes she's stopped in the Door. She steps in, careful not to catch herself on the frame. Chuck steps toward her hesitantly. Then they slam into each other. Sarah has no memory of closing the distance; she's simply overwhelmed by his closeness. The scent of him surrounds her. Home at last. And then they are kissing, and it turns out their earlier kiss had not ended. It had only been interrupted. The best part was yet to come.
Her mouth on his, eagerly searching, just as eagerly yielding to search. Combining, the taste of him, the scent of him, the feel of him, the feel of him against her (So hard against me!), confounding all her senses at once. She can hear him too, humming his desire aloud, his breathing becoming ragged, matching her own, Ann and Andy.
ooOoo
[Tense Shift ]
The man she loved was in her arms. He pulled back, slowly; they had to breathe but neither wanted to. Sarah gazed into his eyes. He gazed into hers. I love you, Chuck. I do.
She stepped back, immediately awkward, uncomfortable. I have no idea how to be in love with you. A look of hurt registered in Chuck's eyes; he stepped back too.
He was speaking. "No, not again. Please don't, Sarah. Please. I can't take it again. Don't tell me this is uncomfortable for you!" By the time he finished his plea, it hardened into an order. His tone petrified, flinty, angry. So unlike Chuck.
Still speaking: "Because kissing me like that and running once was not enough? Do I need a sequel? 'The Incident, Part Deux'? I hate sequels, Sarah." He was out the bedroom door, slamming it, before Sarah could move her mouth, make it respond to her heart. One so empty, the other so full.
No. No. Not again. I can't do this to us again. To him again. Speak, Sarah, please, speak. Sarah lunged for the door and yanked it open. She flashed through it. Chuck had almost reached the front door, his shoulders hunched, fists clenched, head down.
She tried to call out to him. No words came, not even his name.
She had to stop him. He misunderstood. She was not running again; he had to know that; she had to make him know that. She could not let him run from her.
The only thing that came to mind was the thing she did: she tackled him, hard, and they both slammed to the floor. Chuck face down, Sarah atop his back.
They were frozen like that for a moment, she supported by him. Time stopped. But Sarah's mouth finally started. She leaned down, her lips in contact with Chuck's ear as she whispered to him.
"I love you, Chuck Bartowski. I love you. I love you. I love you." Each whisper increased her. She expanded to fill the room, the courtyard, Burbank, LA. She was ubiquitous, everywhere at once but always in contact with Chuck. She was Sarah; she was Sam; she was her. She was in love.
She put her hands on the floor and levered her weight off of Chuck. He rolled over beneath her and she gasped. She had burst his lip. He smiled at her anyway, his smile joyous and bloodied at the same time. "God, I'm glad you don't hate me." He wiped his bloody lower lip.
Her eyes filled with tears, and the tears dripped onto his face, mingling with his blood and his joy, still apparent.
"I'm so, so sorry Chuck. For this, but not just for this. For so much. So much..."
Chuck used his non-bloody hand to press gently against her lips. "I love you too, Sarah Walker. So much it kills me...almost." He smiled again. Smiling through her tears, she stood up and gave him her hand. She helped him stand.
ooOoo
Chuck's lip stopped bleeding. It looked worse than it was. Sarah held his hand and led him into his room. They stopped at the side of his bed. He stared at the bed but did not look at her, although she knew that he was all-too-conscious of her. She knew. She stared at the bed but was all-too-conscious of him.
The question had been on her mind on the plane. Was she going to sleep with him? Her need for him, to have him touch her intimately in the most intimate places, was profound. Deeper than she knew need could go, down and down. She was sure that all it would take would be his hand brushing against her in one of the right places, the merest fleeting touch or exhaled warmth of breath, and she would be gone, wrecked by pleasure head-to-toe. She felt his hand shaking in hers. He was on the edge too. He finally looked at her, his question in the brightness of his eyes and the flush on his cheeks. Would they take the leap?
Sarah forced herself to let go of his hand for a moment and sit down, not lie down, on the bed. After a beat, he sat down beside her and took her hand again.
"I want to, Chuck. I'm desperate to be with you. I don't think I've ever wanted, needed, anything so much. But I don't...I want…"
"I get it, Sarah. I can't do...I need you like I need air...but not for one night...one afternoon. You have to go back."
It was a statement, not a question. She gave him a shallow nod. "Flight's at six."
He exhaled slowly. "Right. So, Sarah, why are you here?"
She sat still for a moment. "I had to tell you...what I told you. In person. I had to see you, see that you were ok."
"I know...and I thank you. But why are you here? What are you hoping for? If we aren't going to sleep together, are we going to say we love each other and go our separate ways?" She could see the hurt she had caused appear on his face. "If we love each other, shouldn't we be hoping for us, fighting for us?"
He looked deep into her eyes. "Or are we just going to Casablanca our way to the closing credits?" Sarah blinked. Chuck went on. "Me as Rick; Casey as Captain Louis. And you...as Ilsa, Bryce...as Victor Lazlo. Do I get to lose you a second time, after all? Watch you fly away?"
Sarah felt hot tears on her cheeks. She was a spy. He was the Intersect. They were not handler and asset, but the fundamental dynamic had worsened, not gotten better. She was supposed to be in deep cover, spying in New Orleans. She had a cover wedding ring in her pocket. He was supposed to be flashing in Burbank. If Bryce reported her, she could lose her job. True, deep cover gave a spy a lot of leeway, room to make her own decisions. But this, returning to Chuck, if Graham did not fire her, he might put her in a bunker, or some professional equivalent.
She was not ready to stop being a spy. It was not that she was so attached to the spy life. I never loved it as Bryce does, or as Carina. I was conscripted. They volunteered. It was that she knew she was not yet ready for a normal life. I bloodied my...boyfriend...trying to tell him...I love him. She needed time to prepare for another life, to grow into it.
The enormity of what she had done settled on her. But then Chuck took her other hand in his too, and she would have done it all again. Countless times again.
She smiled, but sadly. "I wore blue, Fulcrum wore grey?"
He called her smile and raised her a wince. "Something like that."
They sat there. "Sarah, are we...together? Like, do you think we are a couple?"
Sarah looked him in the eyes. "Yes, Chuck. You are my guy. I am your girl. That's that."
He smiled less sadly. He stood and started pacing in tight circles. "Then we will make this work. We will figure something out. You are Sarah Walker. You can do anything. I'm Chuck Bartowski and I am the Intersect."
He stood still for a moment and she saw a flame of anger in his eyes. "But, Sarah, you have to mean what you just said…How can I..."
"Chuck, I came home between shifts. I brought you some food…"
Ellie was in the doorway to his room. She had opened the door and still had her hand on the knob. They had not heard her. Ellie stared at Sarah in shock. Sarah stood. Chuck gulped.
Ellie gave them both a tight smile before zeroing in on Sarah. "Agent Walker, I presume?"
ooOoo
Max Anders had been walking around the Buy More, pretending to browse. Service sucked. No one had even acknowledged him. His attention was focused on the Nerd Herd desk. An attractive woman in an Austrian stripper's costume was standing at the desk, talking to a small, bearded man. Right, the Wienerlicious. The man was clearly frightened. Anders made his way closer, got within earshot.
"So, Chuck's not here?"
"No. His shift doesn't start for a couple of hours. He's due to work on repairs tonight. He's...um...he's a genius at that sorta thing."
The woman was annoyed. "I know, I know. Just tell him June is working and that she wants to see him before he clocks in."
The bearded man nodded. "Will do."
Anders watched the woman walk away. Those Wienerlicious people sure knew about weiners. That costume. Wow.
Anders walked to the desk. He watched the woman leave the store. So too did the bearded man. Anders had a gut feeling. Spying was so much dumb luck most of the time. He turned to the little man.
"I have a computer that's giving me trouble. No one seems to be able to fix it. I heard you mention your friend. Chuck was it?"
The little man grinned. "My boy Chuck is the best. It's like he's half-computer himself. Stanford guy." There was pride in the bearded man's voice.
"You don't say? And he works at the Buy More?"
"Yeah, yeah, but don't judge, mister. He's destined for better things."
A pudgy man with wispy hair joined them. "Yeah, Chuck is the Motherboard Whisperer. The Caresser of Circuitry. And he's a beautiful, beautiful man. Someday we'll make beautiful children together."
Anders boggled for a second, then forced his mind to move forward. "So...Chuck. Chuck Smith?"
The pudgy man shook his head. "Nah. Chuck Bartowski. That's him," the pudgy man pointed by nodding his head toward a picture on the wall, "Employee of the Month. He's always Employee of the Month." The pudgy man's voice had gotten dreamy.
"Good to know. I'll be back." Anders walked away from the desk and to the wall. He saw a thumbtacked photo of a young man with a friendly face and curly hair. "Hello, Chuck!" Anders muttered. He looked around. The two men at the desk were fiddling with a video camera, arguing. Anders pulled the photo down from the wall and tucked it under his shirt. It was a place to start, a promising place.
ooOoo
Sarah's mouth was hanging open. Ellie was still standing in the doorway, waiting for a response. Chuck stepped between them, facing Sarah.
"We read her in."
Sarah could not get her mind to work. "You what?'
"She came back with the picture. She was suspicious. Of you, of us, of Casey. Beckman gave it the ok. But Graham doesn't know." The words spilled out of Chuck without audible punctuation or attempt to get the timeline straight. "She knows about June Thorne and the Intersect and...well, everything. Devon too."
Ellie pushed her brother gently aside, keeping her gaze focused on Sarah. "Chuck, give us a minute."
"Um...ok?" He looked pleadingly at Sarah.
"It's ok, Chuck." She gestured her acquiescence. Chuck backed from the room reluctantly. Ellie shut the door when he reached the hallway.
Sarah had no idea what to expect. This was another eventuality, like Josephine Pollihue, that she had not seen coming.
Ellie sat down in Chuck's desk chair and motioned for Sarah to sit on the bed.
Ellie drummed her fingers on the desktop and twisted her lips to one side. She looked at Sarah as someone might look at a painting at a museum.
"So...CIA, huh?"
"Yes."
"And for a long time."
"A long time."
"You are good at your job." Ellie's tone was as flat as her look. Flatter, maybe.
"I...I guess."
"You are a professional liar," Ellie stated it as an undeniable fact. She waited again for Sarah to respond.
"Yes. All spies are liars." Sarah kept any defensiveness out of her tone. It was the truth, after all, even if being a spy and saying it was paradoxical. The next thing that I say will be true; the last thing I said was false.
"Why are you here?"
Sarah had nowhere to hide. She was committed. She really was. "Because I'm in love with your brother."
"You say that like it's news."
"It isn't?"
Ellie shook her head hard. "No, Agent Walker, it isn't. I've known since almost the beginning. I'm pretty sure the only two who didn't know were the principals. You, Chuck. I know. Casey knows. Hell, Morgan knows, I'm pretty sure. And I don't mean we believe the cover. I mean, we know it really wasn't a cover. Even though we didn't know it was a cover. I mean..." Ellie grimaced and shook her head. "How the hell do you keep all the lies straight?"
Sarah dropped her gaze to the floor. "It helps to give up on anything being true. At least true about yourself."
Ellie drummed her fingers more forcefully. "And, after hearing you say that, I am supposed to believe you when you say you love my brother?"
"But...Ellie...You just said you know I love him."
"Slow down, Sarah. I'm not exploring my mind at the moment, I'm exploring yours. Why do you think I should believe what you say? I know you love my brother, but not as the result of believing anything you told me. Everything you told me since you first came to Burbank has been, more or less, lies. So, why should I believe what you say now?"
"Because...because your brother has made me see that I had to change."
"How?" Ellie leaned forward in her chair. The drum roll of her fingers stopped.
"I made him a promise that I wanted to keep." Sarah was twisting her hand in the bedspread.
"Did you keep it?"
Sarah's voice shrank in size. It was very small when she answered. "No. I broke my promise. I told him he could trust me...and I ran."
Ellie leaned forward even farther. "And you ran by yourself?"
"Not exactly. I ran...with Bryce Larkin. But not with him."
"Bryce Larkin. The man who ruined Chuck's life, stole his high-heeled bitch of a former girlfriend. That Bryce Larkin?"
Sarah just sat there.
"And you left my brother in Burbank, with a top-secret government computer in his head. And you left an empty spot behind you into which June Thorne," Ellie's look became threatening, "purple ribboned her way? You left the 'man you love' to that fate? And I am supposed to believe what you say?"
Sarah was ashamed, mortified. But she started to get mad. "But, Ellie, you said that you know I love your brother. How do you understand what I did?"
Ellie sat back. A small grin appeared on her face. "Sarah, there's one person you lie to best, and that's you. Why did you run?"
Sarah sat and untwisted the bedspread. It took a minute. "Because I love your brother…"
"And you recognize how twisty that sounds?"
Sarah gave a defeated shrug. "Yes, I do."
The grin had not left Ellie's face and now it grew larger. "Sarah, you made a mistake. A big one. And I am not happy about it. Or about what led up to it, the lying, the deceit. You have things to prove to me. To Chuck. But not to me or even Chuck so much as to you. I can forgive you and I will someday. Chuck can forgive you and he will someday. Give us both some time. We're Bartowskis, we recover. But you need to forgive yourself too. Remember the wise words of one of the great philosophers of our time: Love makes you do the wacky."
Now Sarah grinned. She knew that one. "Buffy? Buffy Summers?"
Ellie laughed. "Buffy Anne Summers. But no, I think maybe it was Willow Rosenberg. Although...maybe Buffy said it too. Only Chuck and Morgan keep all this stuff straight….By the way, Sarah, what is your name?"
ooOoo
Chuck came into his room, a piece at a time, starting with his head. His room had gotten quiet and he was worried. He had stood in the hallway, singing to himself under his breath but loud enough to keep himself from overhearing. But eventually, he could not hear anything to keep himself from overhearing.
In his room, Ellie was leaning forward as was Sarah. They were whispering together. When Sarah saw him, she sat back and blushed. Ellie then noticed him. She got up and walked towards the door. "Gotta get to work. I'm going to be late." She touched Chuck's arm as she passed. "Behave." And she was gone.
"So, um...good talk?"
Sarah nodded. "I survived it." She brightened. "And, yes, good talk."
"Sit down, Chuck. Tell me about June Thorne. Start at the beginning." She glanced at her watch as Chuck sat down. There was time.
A/N2 A short chapter but pivotal. I end it here to give us all a chance to catch our breath. Things begin at just this point when the next chapter commences.
We are about to end the second arc of the story. Two more chapters in the second arc, I think. (There are, as I mentioned in an earlier chapter, three arcs to the story. Grace Abandoned, Look Homeward, Angel and Heaven-Fallen.) Tune in next time for Chapter 12, "Watch Your Step". Chuck and Sarah look toward a problematic future. Chuck faces the threat of file days. Casey tries to have a heart to heart (?) with June. Graham gets good news. The Fulcrum agent takes a serious interest in the Bartowskis.
I don't normally annotate or footnote chapters despite the fact that chapters are rife with references and allusions and echoes. Some of you have mentioned ones you've noticed your reviews.
I will mention that this chapter takes its title from a Go-Betweens song, off their amazing album 16 Lovers Lane, maybe the greatest album-length study of love ever recorded. The epigraph of the chapter is from a song off Elvis Costello's Trust, an album that I have thematized in the story in a variety of different ways. It will be present until the very end.
The line "The next thing that I say will be true…" is from a Devo song. The related line "When I said that I was lying I might have been lying" is from Elvis Costello's "The Imposter" (from the album Get Happy!). (That line is crucial to the story.) I've also been playing with the logical paradox sometimes known as The Liar, "This sentence is false", and a related paradox from antiquity, The Cretan, "All Cretans are liars" (spoken by a Cretan).
