June 23, 2015: Whatever Makes You Feel Better

Carl sat at the table in the RV playing Uno with Judith as Rick continued driving north on Highway 23. Michonne, Liv, Holly and Eva were in the RV as well.

"Carl, it's your turn again!" Judith said impatiently.

Carl looked at his cards then laid them flat on the table. "Judy, I don't want to play anymore right now. Go read a book or color or something."

"But Carl, we didn't even finish the game," she moaned.

"Judy, I'm not in the mood for a game right now. Okay."

"Mama, tell Carl to finish the game!"

Michonne didn't answer or even turn to look back at her little girl. Rick turned his neck from the driver's seat and eyed Judith sternly. "Judith Grimes, you better listen to your brother young lady. If he doesn't want to play, you go and play by yourself. And don't whine."

"Fine," Judith replied pouting as she slammed her cards on the table too, "I would have beat you anyway."

Carl walked to the front of the RV and sat behind Michonne and Rick.

"Why didn't you say anything to Rosita?" Carl blurted out.

Michonne finally turned her head and studied Carl's questioning face. She looked away and sighed, taking her time to give him an answer.

"There's not one thing I could have said that would have made her feel better about what happened."

"It wasn't about making her feel better. It was about defending yourself." Carl asked thrown off by her response. "She hit you and then she insulted you – insulted your beliefs! And then...then she had the nerve to bring Andre into it. She crossed the line doing that!" Carl directed his attention towards his father next. "And you! You didn't really do anything either!"

"Your mom can hold her own against Rosita. She didn't need help from me. If I thought she couldn't handle herself, I would have been first in line to come to her defense." Michonne looked at Rick giving him a tenuous smile. While many women would have wanted, or even expected their mates to rush over and referee or defend them, she appreciated that Rick knew she wasn't one of them. He knew her capabilities and let her fight her own battles.

"How did you know she was talking about Andre? I thought you took the girls inside," Michonne asked.

"I did. But then I listened from the window." Michonne rolled her eyes and shook her head. "She shouldn't have talked to you that way and I'm pissed that she did."

"No, she shouldn't have talked to me that way. But you know what? I'm a big girl and I have big shoulders. I can take it," Michonne replied. "She just lost Abraham. She was angry and heartbroken and confused and she took it out on me. She used my faith as an excuse to take her anger out on someone. It's not the first time I've been yelled at or been treated unfairly and I'm sure it won't be the last time." Michonne turned around in her seat, completely facing Carl. "Tell me something. If I had gotten angry and defensive with her or hit her back, how would that have made anything better?"

"It would have let her know that you're not going to be treated that way! She would have known that she can't act that way and she definitely can't hit you!"

"It wasn't the time or place for me to make that stand, Carl. It wasn't the time for me to preach her a sermon. Rosita knows me. She knows I'm strong and nobody's punching bag. I didn't need to prove that to her or anyone else. And I'm not going to defend my faith to anyone who's in attack mode. They won't hear it. She's family. I'm okay to forgive her and just show her a little mercy. She was hurting badly and I wasn't going to be the one to inflict more pain on her. Sometimes it takes more strength to stay silent and to be peaceful than to fight back and yell. Rosita's no threat to me. She just made a mistake and it's easier on me to just forgive the mistake. Life is too short and too hard for me to be holding a grudge. And I'm a grown-ass woman that doesn't get into cat-fights."

"I understand everything you're saying but I just can't have anyone treating my family like that."

Michonne placed her hand on Carl's cheek and gave him a tender look. "I know. And you have no idea what it means to have your love and loyalty the way I do. It goes both ways and I'd be as mad as you are if she had done that to you. You haven't seen me as the mother bear before. But you don't have to worry about me, Carl. It's like your dad said, I can handle myself. And you know what? Only that first one was free. I guarantee you that Rosita knows better than to ever try something like that again. She's probably already beating herself up about it." Michonne turned her attention ahead once again, focusing her eyes on the double yellow lines in front of them. "Besides, I'm a lot more upset about Abraham than Rosita."

Carl's head dropped at the sound of Abraham's name. He was gone and all Carl could focus on was Rosita's bad behavior. Perhaps Carl's attention drifted towards problems that he felt he had some control over rather than the death of a beloved member of their group. Abraham was gone and he couldn't do anything about that.

"It was stupid of us to think we were going to get through this move without losing someone."

"It wasn't stupid," Rick stated. "We've gotten through a lot over the last few years."

"And we've lost a lot too," Carl argued.

"Life is loss. It always has been. It's a bit more in our faces now but nothin's changed," Rick said poignantly. "Loss always hurts but it builds something in you too. Loss isn't even about what or who your losing – it's about where the loss leaves us...how we deal with it. We can choose to let it make us better, or choose to let it stop us in our tracks, maybe even go backwards. Having hope and making the best of a situation, those are good things. Don't ever forget that."

"It's a little soon for the feel-good speeches, Dad," Carl replied. "We sent Abraham out and he's dead because of it."

Liv carried Eva up to the front of the RV. "I think she's hungry." She handed Eva to her mother and Michonne reached out to the fidgeting toddler.

"You hungry, Cupcake?" Michonne asked in a sweet tone as she cradled Eva in her arms and began to nurse. Rick looked over at his wife and baby and memories of Daryl Dixon drifted to the forefront of his thoughts.

"You know your mom and Eva wouldn't be here if Daryl hadn't sacrificed himself for them a few years back. They would have been two more people we would have mourned over losing. He gave himself up and that's why they're here. That's what Abraham did today. He gave his life for ours. It's what's required of men of integrity now. My grandpa told me about his time in Italy during World War Two. He was a young man, afraid to be away from home and family but he had to go. He didn't have a choice so he went. He told me about the friends he made in his unit. They were young and away from family too. They were scared like my grandpa. He became close to these men in his unit – like brothers. They were together 24 hours a day. Ate together, slept in the same trenches, talked, laughed, cried together. Anyhow, their unit was in the front lines of battle with my grandpa. They knew the odds of them getting back home to their families were slim. They knew the danger and just didn't have a choice but to go at it, head first. They were scared but wouldn't let that stop them from going to battle against the Nazi soldiers. They marched forward because it was what was required of them. My grandpa got shot at the very beginning of the Battle of Monte Cassino. He took a bullet in the chest. He would have died if his men hadn't gotten him off the battlefield. Three of his friends from his unit carried my grandpa to safety. They risked their lives for him. Those three men who carried him to safety, they all died that day protecting him. All of them gave their lives for his. If they hadn't saved him, his life would have ended on that battlefield in Italy and life would have been very different. If they hadn't saved him, you, me, Judy, Liv, Eva, none of us would be here right now. What those friends did for your great-grandfather is no different than what Abraham did for us today. It's what Daryl did for Michonne, Carol and Morgan. It's what your mom did for Judith." Rick turned back to look at his son. "It's what I would do for you, Carl, or anyone else in this group. It's what's required of men of integrity."

Michonne placed her hand on Carl's shoulder and looked at him deliberately, "There's no doubt in my mind, that you're the kind of man your dad is talking about. You have been for a long time now. You would do exactly what Abraham did for us today."

"I'm not sure that's who I am," Carl said bluntly.

Michonne tilted her head and squinted her eyes."Really? What makes you unsure?" Michonne questioned the teenager.

Carl sat there quietly, unanxious to answer.

Michonne eyed him curiously, studying his silence. She tried to read him but it was never as easy as reading Rick. Carl had the ability to surprise her in the most remarkable ways. The manner in which the gears in his head turned and the unconventionality in his perspective always fascinated her. In many ways he was similar to his father but in other ways, he was a stark contrast. The father and son she had forged these deep relationships with had paths and ideas that often diverged.

"Well are you going to answer?" Michonne prodded.

Carl looked up at his mother and spoke intentionally. "I'm not scared of dying. I'm not a coward and I'd be on the front line of any battle."

"Well than what is it?" Michonne asked again.

"I think I'm just...," Carl paused reluctantly, "I'm just too selfish."

"Too selfish!" Michonne repeated back to him with surprise. "Would you care to explain?"

"Don't get me wrong. I would do anything for Judy and Eva and everyone else in this RV at the moment, but...I want to be here. I need to be here. I need to survive this world. If I sacrificed my life, then who would take care of my baby. Who would take care of my family. I have to be here for them and I wouldn't go on some suicide mission for the group and risk leaving them behind. All these decisions we make, have to be calculated and I'm not sure I would risk my life for anyone outside of this family."

Rick glanced over at Michonne knitting his brow. Carl's answer was upsetting and unexpected. His answer reminded Rick of a demon from his past. It was something Shane would have said. Shane's unyielding and obsessive loyalty to a few chosen members of the group sabotaged his loyalty to the rest of the group, even his best friend. Shane's self-serving and egomaniacal thought process drove him to murder, then lead to his own disgraceful demise.

"I still don't think that's who you are," Rick said, though he wasn't sure he believed it.

"Well think whatever makes you feel better," Carl answered coldly.

"You're still young Carl. You may think one way, one day and then...then you change. Your outlook on life grows and evolves."

"Do you think my outlook on life is going to get softer? You think I'm going to have less loyalty towards my family as I get older and things get uglier and harsher? Is that what's happened with you, Dad?"

Rick didn't answer and Carl continued. "I remember where you started out. You bent over backwards for everyone, trying to make them happy. When we were at Hershel's farm you were helping him lead walkers to the barn because he thought they could be saved. And then at the prison you let that guy go and Mom died because of it. You wouldn't have done either one of those things now. You haven't gotten softer, Dad, and I don't plan on getting soft either. If you get to keep living in this shitty world, then it only makes you harder." Carl stood up and looked at his parents. "I'm sorry if saying all this disappoints you. I'm sorry if I'm not who you thought I was or if what I'm saying makes me sound like some kind of monster. But I'm not going to pretend. Don't ever wonder where my loyalties lie. I'm going to check on Holly."

…..

The caravan had traveled all day and into the evening hours. They had almost made it to Lake Chatuge and the North Carolina border but had fallen short by about 20 miles when Rick decided to call it a day. They had been on the road for nearly 12 hours. The bulk of the 320 mile journey had been relatively smooth and they hadn't come across anything that they hadn't already planned for.

They ran into a traffic jam half way through the trip. It took several hours to clear the road but in the process of clearing it, they found plenty of gasoline from nearby vehicles. While half the group moved the broken down cars, the other half siphoned enough gas to sustain them for the second half of the trip.

As they neared the outskirts of Atlanta, several unsettling and massive herds appeared in the expanse ahead of them. They took a detour to avoid them which set them back another few hours. It was worth it to keep a safe distance between them and the enormous mobs of walkers.

It was 7 PM and the sunlight was growing dimmer. The summer solstice was two days ago and the days were long and hot. Rick pulled the RV into a parking lot adjacent to a small public park. The other three vehicles pulled in behind him. The weary travelers exited the vehicles and huddled together. Liv and Clem stayed with Holly, Judith and Eva inside the RV.

"What are we doing here?" Glenn asked their leader.

"We're gonna camp here for the night."

"Here at the park?" Sasha asked with concern.

"We're vulnerable here," Carol said. "We don't have good sight lines with all these trees."

"I know," Rick answered calmly, "but I want to stay hidden for now. We don't know this area. We don't know who or what's nearby. It's too late to try to and make it all the way to the island."

"Well then why don't we try and find a house or a building?" Glenn asked.

Michonne walked to Rick's side, "Rick and I talked about it. We should stay with the vehicles in case we need to get out of here quickly for any reason."

"It'll be dark soon and I think we should just lay low tonight." Rick added. "Does anyone have a problem with that plan?"

"I don't," Morgan said. "What you're saying makes good sense. Carol and I will take the first watch right now while you all get settled in and make camp."

"I appreciate that," Rick patted Morgan on the shoulder before he addressed the others. "We have to keep lights and noise to the bare minimum tonight. We have no idea what's around us and we don't want to draw any attention. We'll sleep in the cars and RV. I want each car to have someone behind the wheel – keys in the ignition and at the ready. If there's trouble, tap your horn twice.

"I know we've all had a long day. I know getting here hasn't been easy and I wouldn't expect tomorrow or the next few days to be much easier either. We're almost there though. We can see the finish line from where we're standing. I'm proud of this group. I'm proud of what we've done and I'm confident we have it in us to push through these next few days and weeks. If finding our new home and making this new life for ourselves is as good as we've been hoping it would be, then whatever we've gone through and whatever's ahead will be worth it."

…..

It was 10:30 as Carol and Morgan stood side by side on top of the RV looking into the night sky. As they finished out the last half hour of their watch Carol yawned and leaned her head on Morgan's shoulder.

"Almost done with our watch, then I can put you to bed," Morgan said as he slid his hand around her waist and pulled her into his side.

"That's probably the best part of my day," Carol replied.

"How's that?"

"Going to bed means I made it through another day. I get to lie down next to you and have uninterrupted rest. No worries just peace."

"You think you'll sleep peacefully tonight? Our first night outside the shelter of our old home?"

"I don't know. Maybe I'm just saying whatever makes me feel better." Carol looked out into the distance silently. Morgan could sense her sadness as he held her close to his side. She felt different in his arms.

"Carol? What's wrong?"

Carol sighed. "Sometimes it's annoying how well you've gotten at reading me. I can't be upset or sad without you knowing about it."

Morgan chuckled. "Sorry. It's part of the package when you grow close to another person. When you're down, I feel it right away. Now tell me, what's on your mind?"

"Did you know that Abraham, without fail, was the only one out of everybody in our entire group that never forgot to thank me for a meal? I mean, everyone else would say thank you when they remembered or thought of it. But Abraham, he always remembered. He would say, 'Thank you kindly ma'am,' or 'I sure do appreciate this fine meal you prepared, Ms. Carol.' Every time. They say people aren't remembered for how they act or what they do. They're remembered for how they make you feel. Abraham made me feel appreciated. Like I was doing something for him that made every one of his days a little better. He had a big personality and he's gong to leave a big void in this group. I miss him already." Morgan took his eyes off of his the primeter for a moment to see the tears falling down Carol's cheeks. He moved his staff from his right hand to his left and pulled a bandanna out of his back pocket. He gently blotted the tears from her face.

Carol leaned her head on his chest as more tears fell. "What would I do if it was you that hadn't made it back? Who would I have? Rosita has all of us but really, she's alone for the first time in all this. My heart is breaking for her because I know how I would be doing if I lost you."

"You'd be okay," Morgan said trying to console her. "Rosita will be okay. You're strong and if something happened to me, you would keep going. You know that's what I'd want. You'd be okay, Darlin."

"No Morgan. If I lost you, I wouldn't be okay. I'd be right back up on that ledge. If you leave me, I don't want to stay here. I don't want to live another day of my life without you. I don't think I even could."

"You're stronger than what you're makin' yourself out to be, Carol."

"I am strong when I have to be. And who the hell says I have to be. If knowing the truth about myself makes me weak, than I can make peace with that. What I can't make peace with is the thought of forcing myself to go on living without one more person I love. I won't do it. I'm sorry if saying that is letting you down. I'm sorry if I'm not as strong as you think I am. I told you when this relationship started, that I was a mess and you said you'd love me anyway. Well here I am. The ugly truth and the mess in plain view."

Morgan wrapped his arms around her, soothing her with his embrace. Carol's confession, the weaknesses she was admitting to, couldn't diminish his love for her. How could it? Her authenticity, vulnerability and desperate need for him in her life, only made him cherish her more.

"There's nothing you could tell me that could make me love you less. I know you worry about losing me. I know you think it would break you. Maybe it would and and maybe it wouldn't. I'm here though, Carol. Right now, I'm here. And I'm planning on being here with you for a long, long time."

Morgan was in no hurry to release Carol from his grasp and neither was Carol. For the next few minutes, they stood quietly together keeping watch over each other's shoulders. Carol finally broke the silence. "Our watch is almost over."

"Sasha and Glenn should be coming to relieve us soon. We can get some sleep."

Suddenly Carol pulled away. "Morgan, I just saw something?"

"Where?"

Carol pointed her finger in the direction of what caught her eye. "Lights. I saw lights flashing on the other side of those houses."

After a moment, Morgan saw the lights too.

Just then, Glenn and Sasha climbed quietly to the top of the RV.

Morgan walked up to the two friends, there to relieve them from their duties. "I know it's been a long day," Morgan said putting his hand on Glenn's shoulder, "but it's gonna be a long night too."