I woke up, feeling the morning sun on my face.
For a moment I thought, I was a child again. A little girl, on Earth, in my home. I could hear my mother busying herself in the kitchen, the sounds of plates and forks being laid on the breakfast table. I could smell the scent of fresh bread, and my mouth watered.
But with that, the memories came back, and my heart fell into a black abyss.
No matter the sunshine, my own sun had fallen from the sky, he had left me and died on an abandoned, dead world on the other side of the universe, and he'd never come back to me. It made no difference, where I was, Earth or here - in either case, there would be no respite to my pain.
"Are you awake, Milady?"
Milady?
That most definitely was not my mother. I opened my eyes, and sat up, just to see a young woman standing by the door. She had a long, blond, braided hair, a simple dress and a beautiful, heart shaped face. She smiled like she had no care in the world, which made me immediately dislike her.
"I said yesterday, that I do not need a maid." I stated, sitting up.
"I dare to disagree, Milady." the young woman smiled. "The breakfast is ready. It is very important to eat well, when one is expecting."
I sighed. A sadness as thick and cold, as fog, descended on my shoulder. It wasn't that I didn't want this child. I did, of course I did, because it was his. But every time I thought about the baby, I was reminded of the fact, that Loki… was no longer with me. That he was dead.
The thought made me sick, and I felt how blood left my cheeks.
I stood up, trying to hide my moods, and searched for my simple dress, but it was nowhere to be seen.
"There are new dresses for Milady on the closet." Said the maid, still cheerful, and stepped to open the doors. "If you'd let me help you choose-"
"Thank you, I'll manage." I snapped, and picked up a dress without even bothering to look at it.
"As Milady wishes." the maid bow her head. "I will set the table for you. Please, come and eat, when you're ready."
I took a deep breath, and finally decided to nod. The truth was, that I was hungry.
"Alright… I'll be there in a minute-"
"-Frida." she completed my sentence. "My name is Frida, Milady."
"Alright, Frida. And please, stop calling me Milady. This will never work, if you do that."
"Oh, this'll work just fine, Milady, if you just let me do my job." She answered, and I knew I'd lost the battle.
One thing you should know about Frida, is that no matter how much I disliked her in the beginning, she probably saved my life.
For I soon learned, that I didn't know a thing about the life in a palace, nor about being pregnant, but she knew everything, and relentlessly pushed me to do the things, she thought I needed.
And even if I hate to admit it, she was always right.
First, she forced me to eat.
"The baby needs a lot of food, Milady. You do want it to grow big and strong, don't you?" she said, and served me fruit, vegetables, meat, bread and all other kinds of healthy dishes, politely ignoring my bad appetite.
Second, she forced me to get up of the bed, and get out of my room.
"Laying under the sheets, and crying all day, won't heal your broken heart, Milady." She stated with a stern voice, and gently pulled me up, day after day. "Besides, your body is weak after all those years in the… well, you are not in a good health, if I may say so. You need to get strong, Milady! Giving birth is not an easy business, you will need a lot of strength for that."
And of course she was right, again. So I let her take me out to the garden every day, and I had to admit, that I loved it, more and more every day. It was the only place where my mind was at ease, where my fears dissolved, and my heart got even a bit of rest.
We made long walks, sometimes walking all the day, until my feet were tired and my muscles sore, but I felt how the fresh air and the exercise made me healthier and stronger by the day. My ivory pale skin got suntanned, I got freckles on my nose and cheeks, and the sunlight made my red hair a tone lighter, orange and rose and gold, like the sky on sunset.
And Frida, she was the perfect companion.
When I had a bad day, she didn't push her company. She let me wander on the orchard, silently, staring at the sky and thinking about him. She didn't ask what was on my mind, nor did she try to force me to cheer up.
But on other days, when I felt better, she would talk to me about all kinds of things. She showed me around on the garden and on the palace, sharing with me all the secret doors and long forgotten pavilions. She would tell me about her family, and her childhood, about the boys she liked, and the dreams she had. And without even noticing it, I began to share as well.
I can't tell exactly when it happened, but at some point I realized I no longer disliked her. On the matter of fact, I had grown to like her, to need her, to want for her to be around. We had became friends.
We were sitting under a pear tree and eating fresh pears from the branches. They were so sweet and ripe, that their sticky juice stained our faces and our fingers, but we hardly cared.
"Frida." I said, after a third pear, leaning my back on the tree trunk.
"Yes, Milady?" she looked at me, her big blue eyes smiling.
She had been with me for two months now, but still she would not call me by my name.
"I have wanted to ask you…" but suddenly I hesitated, and I closed my mouth. Sometimes it still felt odd to talk to another person. Mostly, Frida did the talking, and I kept silently.
"What did you want to ask, Milady?"
"When you started as my maid… what did Thor tell you?"
"Oh." She shrugged, taking a bite of another fruit. "Not that much, really, Milady. Just what I needed to know."
"And that was?"
"That you were with a child, Milady. That was obviously the most important thing." she answered. "He also might have mentioned, that you had been imprisoned."
"But not why?"
"It was none of my business, so I didn't ask, Milady. And I'm still not asking."
I nodded, and looked down.
We might be friends, but I knew I was nowhere near ready to share my darkest secrets with her. Besides - what would she think of me, if she knew? I glanced at her, her trusting eyes, her smiling lips, and suddenly a fear filled me. A fear, that she'd hate me if she knew what I really was.
A murdered and a whore.
I shook off the nagging voice, the best I could.
"Did Thor… did he tell you who is the father of my child?"
"Yes he did, Milady."
I sighed. "And what do you think about it?"
"What do I think about it, Milady?" She seemed surprised, even if it hardly was the first time I asked about her opinion. But as I kept silent, she finally answered: "I think that it is very sad, that we lost Prince Loki. They say that he died like a true hero of Asgård, and thus paid for all the bad deeds he had done in his life. But still, I hope he didn't have to die. It is a very sad thing indeed, that he will never see his son grow up, Milady."
I nodded, and looked down. The tears were suddenly lurking behind my eyes again, burning in my throat, and it took me a while to manage to speak again.
"His son, you said?" I whispered, my voice suddenly weak.
"Yes." Frida grinned. "Of course it is a boy, I always know these things."
"It could be a girl too." I protested, laying my hands on my belly, that had already grown and had a beautiful round shape.
"But it won't be." Frida stated. "Mark my words, Milady, it is a boy, and it'll be big and strong, a true prince, like his father."
I suddenly felt very touched, and a tear fell to my cheek. As discretely as possible, I wiped it with my sleeve, and hid my face by looking at the other direction.
Frida seemed to sense my mood, as she gave me a moment of silence. Only after a rather long while she spoke again.
"Milady, look." she stated, suddenly serious.
I looked at the direction she was pointing, and noticed that we were no longer alone. At some distance I saw an old man walking among the trees, a figure that had already become somewhat familiar to me. An old fear rose inside of my chest, and brought an acidic taste to my mouth.
"Odin." I whispered.
Frida stood up, and I followed her example.
Odin looked at us, and gave a small nod, as if to greet us. I felt his eyes on me, an intense stare that brought a chill to my back, and made me restless. I bow my head, and bent my knees, and when I finally had the courage to look up, he was gone.
I sat down again, leaned on the tree, for I suddenly felt weary to my bones.
Frida stayed silent for a while, chewing on her pear. When she finally spoke, her voice was serious.
"That's odd." she said, turning to glance at me.
"What's odd?"
She bit her lip, and hesitated before answering: "We have seen the Allfather almost every day, for weeks now. He seems to pick his daily walking routes so, that they cross ours."
I silently agreed. I had noticed the same, though I didn't know if that was typical of him or not.
"Why do you think he does that?" I breathed, feeling the shadow of an old fear choking my throat.
"I cannot tell, Milady. But it does seem like he want's to keep an eye on you. But why, that is not known to me."
It was as if the sky had clouded, for not even the sun could warm me anymore.
I wanted to be nothing more than a shadow, to be able to blend into the shadows of the trees, and to vanish. If Odin had made it his priority to keep an eye on me, it could mean no good.
Oh Loki, why did you leave me? I silently cried. I need you, I can't make this alone. Please, please return to me, and keep me safe.
But the only answer in my heart was the memory of him walking away from me, not even looking back.
