Disclaimer: See last chapter

~ Chapter Twelve ~

~ "'Cause little by little the wheels of your life have slowly fallen off." ~

"Hey." I looked him straight in the eyes, I wanted him to know I wasn't scared of him any more.

"Hi." I said back, it came out a lot quieter than I had intended and I cleared my throat, he looked at me, smiling and went to hold my hands across the table. I shook my head, pulling away.

"Are you scared of me?" He asked, he looked terrible... I shook my head,

"No.. I am just being careful." I looked around at the other husbands, wives and young men and women all waiting for their own visitors. I wondered how long Will had gone without anyone to visit him,

"How're you?" He asked me, bringing me out of my thoughts,

"Better I guess, you?" I shrugged lightly as I spoke,

"I am finding it hard in here but I know what made me drink and stuff... I have had counselling and group sessions." I nodded,

"Good, you need it." He tried to hold my hand again, but this time I jerked back with more force than before and almost went flying back.

"Stop it." I snapped at him, he nodded,

"Sorry." He looked down and I shook my head,

"Yeah well, you need to get fully sorted before I trust you again." I surprised myself then, where had this strength gone? He looked up for a moment and I could swear the for a small moment there I saw anger flash in his eyes, he must have seen the fear in mine because as soon as it had come, it was gone again. I shook my head, trying to focus, he wasn't drunk, so there wasn't any danger... was there?

"Do they know what you did to me?" I squeaked,

"They want you to come to a counselling session."

"When is your next one?" I looked around at the families that were broken just like mine,

"In about ten minutes."

"Do you want me to come?" I asked, biting my lip,

"Don't you have work?" I shook my head,

"I have a few months off because... of personal reasons." He just nodded,

"I want you to know how sorry I am for everything I did to you, I shouldn't have put you through that. I know there is a problem now and I am doing everything I can to sort it out. I am really sorry." I just nodded at him, focusing more on the man behind him who seemed to be staring at us,

"Who's that?" I asked, nodding towards the well dressed man,

"My counsellor... I told him you were coming today. He said he would keep an eye on me."

"Would you really hit me when you're sober?" I suddenly felt scared, I wasn't so sure of myself any more. I didn't think this was a good idea at all, what if it never was the drink? If it was just Will and then I would be stuck like this forever. He shook his head,

"Of course not, it's just to see how we are with each other." He looked behind him, nodding at the man, he started to walk towards us, I noticed him stare at me when he reached us, I know he saw how much I was shaking. I tried to hide my fear from Will but then something so stupid and little had ruined everything.

"How are you Mrs LaMontagne?" I looked up at him, moving back a little in my chair away from Will,

"Is he violent when he's sober?" I whispered, looking at Will,

"Why would you think that?"

"He said you were keeping an eye on him... you wouldn't need to do that if he wasn't going to do something, right?" There was no hiding my obvious fear as I looked at him, seeing a lone tear fall from his eye. I looked at him, confused as he wiped it away and looked down at the table.

"He wouldn't do anything without the drink, I can assure you that. I am not condoning what he did in anyway, but you are in no immediate danger at this moment in time." He looked me right in the eye and I believed him straight away, I calmed down a little and looked at Will,

"Sorry." I muttered, but he just shook his head,

"I don't blame you for reacting like that." He wouldn't look back up so I looked away from him,

"My name is Simon." His counsellor held out his hand for me and I shook it gently, still trying to calm myself down,

"Are you going to come today?" I nodded slowly, looking back at Will,

"Only if you still want me there?" He finally looked at me, nodding,

"Of course I do."

"Well this is how it's going to work, I will see you alone for about ten minutes Mrs LaMontagne." I looked up at him, shaking my head,

"I already have a counsellor."

"Well that may be the case but I need to have your own opinion on Will's drinking, I know Will, whereas your counsellor does not." I nodded,

"You have one as well?" He looked at me, to Simon and back again,

"Yeah.. well Hotch and Emily made me go because I had some... issues."

"And that's why you don't have work?" I nodded at him, looking back at Simon asking him to carry on,

"And then I will bring in Will and we will all talk together, I know Will has some stuff he wants to say to you and I am sure you feel the same towards him." I nodded,

"I will go get a coffee then." I sighed,

"That much hasn't changed then." He grinned and I just nodded at him, not smiling, I didn't know what else to do. I wasn't ready to smile or laugh with him yet,

"I will show you where the coffee machine is, fifteen minutes and then in my office Will." He nodded, getting up as I did the same thing. He looked me up and down, taking in my appearance,

"You should gain all the weight back that I made you lose. I didn't mean any of it."

"Thanks." I muttered, quickly walking back, trying to hold back the tears. Simon followed me, soon catching up,

"He isn't a bad person." I told him,

"I know he isn't, he just got lost along the way." I muttered, Simon nodded, looking at me,

"He loves you."

"I love him too... as much as I wish I didn't. If I didn't then I could leave him and move on." He shook his head,

"You can't help who you fall in love with, you were happy before all of this... do you think you could be happy after it?"

"I don't know, I thought we could before I came here but all I can see is him hitting me whenever I look at him. I can't stand it when he touches me... I am terrified of him and I don't want to be." I sighed, grabbing my coffee,

"It's not unusual to be scared, with help you can both move on but only if you want to."

"I do.. of course I do. We have a son, I love them both so much and I want to be a family. But I don't know what I would do if he went back." I shook my head, and Simon opened a door not far from the coffee machine for me.

"Well you both need a break and Will is going to be here for a few more months. He has been booked in for eight months." I nodded,

"He booked himself in you know?" He said as he sat down, I nodded,

"I told him he would never see me or Henry again if he didn't get help."

"Do you want to know what most people do when they go back to their partners after rehab?" I nodded,

"Of course they start with the one month visits and counselling session and then they have regular visits when the person is out of here. Once they feel comfortable around each other then, they start to see each other most nights, just like when you first start dating.. going out on dates and so on."

"And then you move in and everyone forgets the past and lives happily ever after?" I muttered sarcastically, rolling my eyes, he laughed,

"Not quite, some people move back in after a few months.. some after a year or two. Mostly they stay in separate bedrooms for a while, and then it gets easier and you get to know the person all over again."

"Do you think he is going to stop?"

"I think he is going to have one or two setbacks but he will buck up his ideas soon enough."

"I am scared" I admitted, looking down at the floor,

"I was strong and happy before all of this, everyone looks at me and tells me how much I have changed, I don't want it to happen all over again."

"I know, and it's going to be hard but it's your choice, not Will's whether you get back together or not. You're the one who has to be strong now, and it's going to be difficult but Will told me you're staying with a friend?" I nodded,

"When you aren't feeling so strong, you will always have them to rely on?"

"Yes, they are all amazing.. they are more like family.." I smiled,

"That's good... why do you go counselling? If you don't mind me asking that is..."

"I had a minor setback a while ago, I cut myself and was diagnosed with depression. It's okay now though, I just tried to move on too quickly." He nodded,

"You need to take it easy." He said kindly, I nodded, not saying anything as I carried on looking at the coffee cup I held in my hands, jumping a little when there was a knock on the door.

"Are you ready for this?" Simon asked me, I nodded, moving my chair further away from the one next to me, knowing that was where Will would be sitting.

"You both have things to say, Jennifer... I want you to go first."

"What do you want me to say?" I looked at him confused, I didn't know what to say to him, I didn't want him to hate me.

"Just how you feel, anything you want." I took a deep breath and looked at Will, thinking for a moment before I knew what I wanted to say, he couldn't do anything to me right now and Simon wanted to be honest.

"Will..." I gulped,

"I love you so much and I thought we were going to be together forever, I know it was the drink that made you do everything and I know you may never do it again but I don't know... I guess I will always be a little scared of you. Well that's how I feel anyway, I don't want to be scared any more though. I am fed up of all the pain and I am fed up of of jumping at every little noise. I am fed up of resisting the urge to scream when Henry wakes me up in the night, because it reminds me of you waking me up..." I took a deep breath,

"I went through a stage where I blamed myself but I know now that it's all your fault. You let the drink take over your whole life and you took it all too far Will. You took social drinking too far and now look where you are." I looked around us and then back at him,

"I was so scared of you for such a long time, and I would wake up in the morning wondering if you were actually going to kill me that day. I was in pain and you didn't seem to care. I never saw you sober, we both worked full time and the only time I ever saw you sober was the morning and that's not really enough to judge whether you are going to hit me when you get out of here. How am I supposed to know it was the drink and not you?" I took a deep breath to gather all my thoughts for a moment,

"I just want to know why you turned to drink, was I doing something wrong? I don't know what made you think that drinking was the only way out. You must have known what you did when you were drunk because you would always said you were sorry and you would be so lovely in the mornings... I just don't know what to do any more. I am happy now and this is what I should have felt like all along. If I decided to get back together with you then we will be moving back home and staying there. I should never have let you convince me to move away and I won't let you control me any more. I lost a child because of you and your drink.. I am not going to let that happen ever again. You have to choose between the drink and me... I don't drink anyway so you would have no excuse back home. I will leave you as soon as you have even one drop of drink, and this time I will involve the police if you lay one finger on me or anyone else I love. I can't handle it any more, I am fed up of you controlling me and of you thinking you can do whatever you want. Unless you chose to give up the drink then I will not be here when you get out." Will looked at me and I looked at Simon, there were tears running down my face and I quickly wiped them, he nodded at me, smiling and then he looked towards Will

"What do you have to say to that?"

"Um...Jennifer. I love you so much and I know the choice any day. I can live without the drink but everyday away from you just gets more and more painful. It's so hard without you, I feel like I have known you my whole life and I want to spend every single day with you and I want to grow old with you and have more children. When I get out I want to start all over again. I will never touch a drop, I don't need the drink but I need you more than anything or anyone else. I will never hurt you again, in here they teach you the wrong of your ways and I know what I did was so horrible and so wrong, I don't even know why the drink did that to me but it will never happen again. The only reason I started drinking in the first place was because I was finding everything so hard, but you always seemed to breeze past everything like it was so easy to deal with. I was jealous I guess, I don't care about any of that any more though. I care about me and you and where we are going in life. I will move back home for you and I will take everything as slow as you want. I will leave it all up to you because I don't want to ruin anything ever again. And as soon as I even raise a hand to you I will check myself back in here..." I looked at him and saw the tears running down his face,

"I love you so much, I don't want to lose you Jennifer" He looked down and Simon got up off his chair

"Will? I want you to look Jennifer in the eye and tell her how you feel looking back on it all." He said as he stood up and leaned against the desk. Will nodded and then looked at me, I stared back at him, trying not to break the stare, I just looked at him and waited

"I feel.. I don't know. I just don't understand why I did any of it. It didn't make me feel any better, I thought it did at the time but it never did. I don't feel happy with what I did and nor do I feel proud. I feel angry at myself for letting everything get to me like that and for letting myself hurt the one I love and hurting her in so many ways. I am so sorry for everything I ever done to you and I swear to you I will never let it happen again"

I smiled at him as best I could and he looked away from him

"Will?" I said, and when he turned back around I looked him straight in the eye.

"If you could start all over again what would you do differently?" He looked at me and thought for a moment,

"I would have focused more on our family than what was going wrong in my life. Just like I should have done."

"No drink?"

"Never. I wish I never started in the first place" I nodded at him,

"When you get out... Can it be like we only just met? I think it would help me somehow" He smiled, his famous Will smile. I almost melted when I saw it but I managed to compose myself

"Course we can. I will come knocking on your door with flowers and everything" I smiled "

I do still love you Will. I just need time.." He nodded and then held out his hand to me, I took it this time with a little hesitation

"I think we both need time and I will give you all the time you need. Even if it takes 10 years" I laughed and wiped the tears away from my face.

When I walked out of there I felt like everything was going to be okay again, I smiled to myself. This place was really going to help the both of us.