A/N: Sorry for the long wait for an update. Little bit of M rated language in this, though.
With her hands on her knees as she knelt in front of the short black metal bookcase, Jo studied the spine of each book intently, and with sheer interest. She couldn't believe what she was looking at, for the most part. She looked at them the way people would look at things to be marveled at. Like an overweight man on a diet looking at a box of chocolate. Like a child in a toy store would look at everything on the shelves. Like an alcoholic would look at a bottle of whisky. She looked at them with anticipation, awe and utter amazement. Could she touch them? She wanted to know, but she wouldn't dare ask.
"How much did you pay for these? They had to have cost like...a bunch of money, right?" she asked, unable to disguise the astonishment in the tone of her voice.
Sitting at his desk and paying her little to no attention, Alex glanced down at the floor to see her kneeling and smirked. He knew she was interested in his books, but he had no idea that she would be kneeling down in front of them like a kid pressing its nose against a window, marveling at them.
"Some of them were more expensive than others," he admitted. "Most expensive one was like… Five hundred or something like that."
"Five hundred?!" she turned around and looked at him, eyes wide in surprise. "You're kidding."
"Nope," he shook his head and resumed jotting numbers down in his gradebook. "But it's not like college, you know? It's not like when you spend all that money on books and you hardly use 'em. You actually do use them in med school."
"I bet," Jo mumbled, clearly distracted and running her fingers along the hard spines of the books as if they weren't real.
Alex sighed and glanced up at the clock. It was almost 12:30, which meant that it was about time for him to leave and head up to Dr. Leeds' next class, which sucked. Admittedly, he wished he could spend all day down here with Jo. She was starting to get more comfortable with him, and in turn, he was getting more comfortable with her. It was simple, really. She'd come down here with him after her class let out and they'd hang out. Usually it was only for an hour, since her class let out at 9:50 and she had to leave by 10:50 to make it to her 11:00 class. But some days, like Monday when she skipped class and ate donuts with him, she'd sit down here with him until 12:30. And like today, when she checked her e-mail to find that the class she skipped on Monday was actually cancelled today. Most of the time it was an hour. Sometimes it was longer. But no matter if it was one hour or two, he always enjoyed his time with her.
"And they're just sitting here? Collecting dust?" Jo asked. Something about the prospect of med school books sitting dormant on a shelf and just collecting dust made her a little sick.
"Yeah," Alex closed his gradebook and put his pen back inside the cup at the head of his desk. He pushed his chair out and looked at the nearly-empty box of Krispy Kreme donuts that he had stopped and picked up before work, solely for the purpose of eating them with Jo. He figured that by the end of the semester, he'd put on a good twenty or thirty pounds just from lounging around and eating donuts with Jo all the time. "You want anymore of these before I toss them?"
Jo just shook her head and tried to commit the names of the books to memory. She doubted she'd be able to find them, but she planned on looking online for pdf files of the books when she got back to her dorm. She just wanted to read them. Maybe that made her a nerd, she didn't know. But she only wanted to read them.
"How about the rest of this orange juice?" Alex asked and once again, got nothing but the shake of her head. He tossed both the donut box and the small jug of juice into his trash can and glanced at Jo again, just to make sure she was still alive. His eyes stayed on her, though. This wasn't the first time she had been in his presence, of course. But it was the first time he had a moment long enough without her attention to really look at her from this angle.
It was a nice day outside today, for a winter day at least. It was a shocking 60 degrees, even though it was raining. But it was nice enough for Jo to wear nothing but a fluorescent pink, short-sleeved t-shirt, a gray jacket that she didn't have on, and a pair of black leggings. Her hair; long, wavy and unruly, was tied back in a low, leisure ponytail and she wore no makeup except eyeliner. It was a casual look, but Alex still found himself staring. He shook his head to pull himself out of it though.
"You know you can borrow those," he offered, pushing his chair in. "I don't care if you take one."
Still keeling, Jo whipped around and shot him an incredulous look. Was he joking?!
"You're serious?" she raised her eyebrows. "I can just take one? You'd let me just...take one?"
"Long as you bring it back," Alex shrugged. "It's not like I'm using them. Just take one. Bring it back. Take another. You know how that goes."
Without anymore words from him, Jo eased a white book off the shelf and held it in her hand. It was heavy, and it wouldn't fit in her bookbag, but she didn't mind. She'd carry it forever if it meant that she'd have the chance to read it.
"Thank you," she said, using the bookcase to pull herself up onto her feet. "I'll bring it back and I won't mess it up." She tossed her ponytail over her shoulder and looked directly at him. "Trust me?"
"Obviously I trust you or I wouldn't have told you to take one." Alex sighed again and flopped back down in his chair since his office was clean enough to the point where all he'd have to do is turn off the light and lock the door once it was time for him to get going. "What are you gonna do with a med school book?"
"Read it," she retorted. She eyed the empty chair across from his desk and slid back into it. "Don't you wish you could just skip class?"
"Who? Me or you?"
"You." She drummed her fingers along the book and looked away from him to avoid her cheeks flushing bright red.
She had to admit that after Monday, she didn't think she'd ever be able to face Alex again. Not after she caught herself trying to Google if it was illegal to sleep with him. Not after she found herself daydreaming about what he'd be like in bed. But surprisingly enough, facing him seemed easy today. Sure, she caught herself blushing when she saw him stumble into the auditorium a few minutes past 9:00 this morning. And sure she caught herself waving at him from her seat in the fifth row.
And she might've dazed off in class today, imagining what he'd look like if he wasn't wearing that black button-up Polo shirt he had on today. Maybe she missed half the lecture because she was too busy fantasizing about his tongue in her mouth. And she probably looked like a real nutcase when she sometimes squirmed from side to side in her chair, trying to keep herself from from staying clean even with the thoughts of how much she wouldn't care if he shoved his hand up her shirt.
But today was nothing. She counted down the seconds until Dr. Leeds let them go at 9:50, and she nearly ran down to his office just to spend some time with him. But it wasn't as hard as she thought it would be. In fact, it was kind of easy. And she almost felt like the universe was looking out especially for her when she opened up her e-mail on her cell phone and found that her 11:00 class was cancelled today, thus allowing her to spend two hours with him instead of one. But it was looking like two hours wasn't enough either. She wanted more.
"Sometimes I wish I could skip classes," Alex admitted with a slight shrug of his shoulders. "But then my paycheck would suffer and then I don't wish that so much anymore. Besides… What would I do if I could skip?"
"Hang out with me, duh," Jo sucked her teeth.
"You say that as if I didn't just spend the last two hours of my life talking to you about absolutely nothing."
"I would hardly call our conversations nothing," Jo grinned. "I happen to think that talking about The Breakfast Club and our mutual distaste for chocolate milk are very important things."
"Don't forget about your weird ass lamb allergy."
"It's not lamb! It's wool! I'm allergic to wool, okay? And… Look, it's not my fault. I just get itchy if I'm around it too long."
"Yeah yeah yeah, explain all you want. It's still weird." Alex glanced at the clock once more and stood up. "I've gotta get going now though."
Jo tried her best to disguise the clear disappointment written across her face and stood up too. She hated that she only saw him once every other day. She felt silly, she did. No, in fact, she felt stupid. Stupid to come to terms with the fact that she had a big, childish crush on him. Especially when he had a girlfriend. If he didn't have a girlfriend…No, she probably wouldn't make a move anyway. He's still her teacher and even if it wasn't against the law, she was sure it was against the rules given that he handles grades. But still… If she wasn't allowed to like him, she was still allowed to think about him...wasn't she?
"I'll see you Friday?" she asked hopefully. "And it's my turn to bring the food?"
"I'll see you Friday," Alex nodded once. "And you don't have to bring the food… I'll grab it. I usually stop at Dunkin or something on my way here anyway. I'll just grab you something too."
"Okay," Jo agreed, backpedaling her way towards the door. She didn't want to ask him and seem like she was desperate or prying, but she just had to ask. Ever since she checked her e-mail earlier and found that her class was cancelled, it's been marinating in the back of her mind and well… It was starting to become too much. So she stopped walking towards the door and opened her mouth. "Oh, and Alex?"
"Hmm?"
"...What happens if Dr. Leeds cancels class?"
Alex wrinkled his eyebrows, quite perturbed with the question. He wasn't quite sure what she was asking. "You mean.. For me? I just don't come in if he cancels his classes."
"Oh…," she whispered. "But no… That's not what I meant. I meant for us, but you just kind of answered my question."
"For you guys? You mean like the students? Don't you guys just not show up if he cancels?"
"No," Jo giggled softly and shook her head. "I meant us...as in me and you. I was asking if we just don't see each other when Leeds cancels but you don't come in so you kind of just answered my question."
"Oh…" Alex mumbled. "We could go a day without hangin' out and stuff…" he answered but as soon as he heard himself say it out loud, he realized that that wasn't exactly something he wanted. He liked Jo. As a friend, mostly. He thought she was funny and she was a pretty neat student and he could probably survive if he didn't see her for two days due to a cancelled class. But he didn't want to have to wait two days to see her. "We'll figure it out when we get there," he suggested.
"Okay. I'll um… See you Friday then. At 10:00."
"See ya," he said back and watched her as she left out of his office, heavy white book in tow, and closed the door behind her. For the billionth time of the hour, he checked the clock and found himself sighing.
He wished he could skip classes. If he wasn't still so new at his job, he probably would've today. He didn't realize until she was gone just how much he actually did want to spend time with her. Two hours didn't seem to be enough. If he skipped his class, he would've had another two hours to spend with her since he didn't have to be off campus until 3:00 today. He would've just skipped and hung out with her.
Why was he even contemplating missing out on money just so he could hang out with Jo though? It wasn't like he liked her. He did like her, just...not in that way. Yet he found himself missing her when she just left. He found himself wishing that he had just skipped out on his last class and e-mailed Dr. Leeds later to tell him he had to head home early for a medical reason.
All that just to hang out with Jo.
X X X
Wednesday, January 27, 2016
12:37 p.m.
iMessage
Stephanie: U eat?
12:40 p.m.
Jo: no. not yet. did you?
12:43 p.m.
Stephanie: Ya we r down the caf now if u want to come
Jo: who's all there?
Stephanie: Just me Leah Isacc Shane
Jo: where's your bf?
Stephanie: Bf?
Jo: boyfriend
Stephanie: O lol practice not here
Jo: okay lol. give me 5 mins i'll be down i'm walking right now
Stephanie: K
She adjusted the grip on the white book she had in her hand and shoved her phone back down into her jacket pocket as she walked leisurely down the sidewalk. Somewhere in the back of her mind, she knew that she'd probably come to regret agreeing to meet Stephanie for lunch, especially when she spent the last few days purposefully and dutifully ignoring her, but for some reason today, she didn't care. She was in a good mood and nothing could bring her down.
Steph would probably comment on how she hadn't seen her in a while, but so what. She was prepared for that. She'd probably ask her if anything was wrong given that the last time she did hear something from her, she was throwing up in the bathroom over seeing her rapist in her dorm. But she'd make up a lie. She'd do anything-anything-to just keep her current vibe alive.
She had come from spending time with Alex, after all. Alex. The teaching assistant. The sarcastic, witty and sometimes douchy teaching assistant. He made her blush. He made her smile like a kid that was just praised for using the potty correctly. He made her feel like she was in sixth grade again. Like she was a little 12-year-old fixing to draft up a note that said "Do You Like Me? Circle Yes or No." It was a crush. That much she knew. She didn't know hardly anything about him. She didn't know where he grew up, what his middle name was, what his favorite color was, what he liked to eat. She didn't know his family, his personality outside of his job and ultimately what his hopes and dreams were. But it was a crush. Something like an infatuation. Borderline obsession. And she didn't need to know all of that.
Still feeling happy-go-lucky and relatively light, she opened the door and strolled right into the cafeteria building before whipping her phone back out and shooting Steph with another text.
12:49 p.m.
Jo: where are you guys sitting?
Stephanie: by soda machine
She put her phone back once again, dug her student ID out of her pocket and handed it to the woman standing at the podium to scan it before she entered.
"Thank you," she politely recited to the woman as she took her ID back. She stood near the door for a few more moments, looking around by the soda machine. She spotted them, smiled to herself and sauntered over to where they all sat. Sure enough, just like Steph had promised, it was only her, Leah, Shane and Isaac.
"Hi Jo," Isaac, of course, was the first one to greet her as she neared the table. He stood up quickly, as if a fire had been lit under his backside, and rushed over to where Jo stood. "Here, sit. You must be pretty exhausted carrying all this stuff."
"I got it, Isaac," Jo insisted, put her book down on the table and proceeded to pull out her own chair. "Thank you though." She was always polite to him. She made it a point to be. "So hey guys...what's up?"
"I'm surprised you actually came," Stephanie mused, stuffing a strawberry in her mouth. Her usually curly hair was pin-straight today, and her glasses were nowhere to be found. Her tribal printed v-neck t-shirt was black and white, her jeans were dark blue and ripped and the pair of black Vans she wore tied it altogether. Jo wondered what the occasion was, but she wouldn't dare ask. "I was sure you'd tell me you were gonna come."
"Yeah well, I'm hungry today," Jo sighed dreamily and folded her hands in her lap. "Is there anything good in the lines?"
"Crap, mostly," Leah answered. "The mashed potatoes taste like Clorox. Don't eat them."
"How would you know what Clorox tastes like?" Shane chimed in. "Were you chugging some of it?"
"By the looks of my grade on that Histology homework he gave us on Monday, I probably should chug some of it," Leah rolled her eyes. "I got another 4/10. And the first exam is coming up. If I don't get it together by next Monday, my grade is in the can."
"Tell me about it," Stephanie leaned forward and sighed. "I got a 5/10. I swear that asshole Karev grades harder than Leeds does."
"What about you, Jo?" Isaac spoke up, clearly just wanting a reason to talk to her. He wasn't even in their class. But he knew that Jo had Dr. Leeds too, so clearly she'd have something interesting to add to the conversation...right? "What did you get?"
"A ten," Jo admitted, sheepishly looking down and playing with the pages on the book that Alex gave her. "It wasn't that hard."
"Oh yeah right," Stephanie put down her fork and leaned forward again. "It was hard as hell. You only got a ten 'cause Karev loves you."
"That's not true," Jo defended, clearly smiling and blushing just at the thought of Karev loving her. "It really wasn't that hard if you read the book."
"You totally are Karev's teacher's pet though," Steph retorted and glanced down at the book that she was messing with. "What's that?"
"Oh, nothing, really… Just… It's a book. One of the ones they use in med school… Alex let me borrow it."
"See?!" Steph laughed. "Totally his teacher's pet. He's giving you tens on your homework, books to look at and before you know it, it'll be hundreds on your test."
"Alex wouldn't do that."
"OOOH!" Leah beamed. "You're on a first name basis with him."
"She sits down in his office every Monday, Wednesday and Friday, Leah," Steph added. "And eats donuts."
"What?!" Leah gasped. "Just you and him?!"
Jo bit her lip and said nothing. She never really realized until it was being said aloud just how bad it did sound. Okay, so her relationship with Alex did sound bad. But it wasn't. It was strictly platonic. Even if she did have a crush on him… There was no way in hell the feelings were reciprocated! He had a girlfriend!
"You like him, don't you?" Steph questioned. "You like him…" Jo felt her cheeks get red and she could no longer contain the smile that was begging to come across her face. She put her head down and smirked, blushing harder with each passing moment. "Oh my god…" Steph shook her head. "You totally have the hots for Karev."
"I do not!" Jo denied it but the evidence was clear in her rosy cheeks.
"Who could blame you?!" Leah giggled. "He's stupid hot."
"He has a girlfriend, okay?!" Jo rolled her eyes and caught a small glimpse of Isaac, who was visibly upset by the way he was just picking through his broccoli. Somewhere in her conscience, she felt sorry for him. "He has a girlfriend and I'm...just a student."
"So what? Girlfriend doesn't mean anything. She doesn't have to find out," Steph shrugged.
"I'm not a homewrecking slut," Jo rolled her eyes again, trying desperately to wipe the smirk off her face. She watched Isacc's shoulders slouch and felt bad all over again. "Besides.. I don't even have a crush on him."
"Yeah yeah yeah," Leah feigned a yawn. "You're not foolin' anyone."
Alex stood motionless in front of the fridge, gazing into the opened freezer with a puzzled look on his face. It was 6:30 and Lucy still wasn't home, so he figured he should try dinner. It wasn't often that Alex made dinner. It wasn't like he was ever totally against it, it was just that the majority of the things he ever tried to make weren't always edible. He'd burn the chicken nuggets, under-cook the French fries, take the pizza out too late, didn't know what "browning" the ground beef was. He always figured that Lucy would like dinner after work sometimes but every time he tried, he failed and he just stopped cooking. But he was going to try again tonight.
He pulled the green box of frozen pizza out and looked at it. It looked decent enough to eat. So he flipped it over and read the directions. Preheat oven to 425. Sounds easy enough. He dragged his feet over to the oven and squinted so he could see the words before he pressed "bake." He tapped the button until it read 425 on the digital window and left the pizza on the counter until it was done.
He went back into the living room and plopped down on the couch, kicking his feet up and resuming the episode of The Big Bang Theory. Somewhere along the lines, it had become 6:30 and he didn't even know how the time went by so fast. His day did seem to be going in a blur, though. Maybe it was just because his thoughts were rushing.
First of all, he was thinking about it. Despite the typical impress-your-friends guy conversation that he had earlier in the week with Jackson, he thought about it. That was just talk. He didn't want Jackson to know that he'd gone soft. And honestly… Jackson was probably just all talk too. He didn't think Alex noticed, but he did. He noticed the way he hadn't even hooked up with anybody since he met that redheaded girl a few weeks ago. It was just talk. But now, it was serious.
Because for the first time ever, he thought about it on his own. About taking his first decent paycheck down to the mall and picking out a ring. He didn't know if he was going to do it. Plus, he knew that he was supposed to spend a little more than just one paycheck on it so he thought maybe he should save up a little more. But he thought about it. And he thought about how he wanted to do it. It was just a thought, though.
It wasn't that he didn't want to. Because he did. It was always something he wanted. Ever since he was younger. Especially when he would have to rub his sister's back until she fell asleep. He eventually saw himself being a husband and a father but only if he met the right girl. And he just needed to be sure that Lucy was the right girl. He picked the wrong girl once…
And he wasn't sure if he'd ever fully gotten over that. So now, he was cautious. And Lucy didn't understand that. But he was thinking about it. It was there. It was in his mind. And it was a definite possibility.
He had also spent a good chunk of his day thinking about her.
He was thinking about the way she threw her head back when she laughed, the way those brunette curls bounced when she she tossed them over her shoulder, the way her nose crinkled if he said something funny and the way she never seemed to care what she dressed like, but still managed to look nice anyway.
And he was thinking about those eyes. Those deep-set, honey brown eyes. And the long curly eyelashes that accompanied them. And that mouth. God, that mouth. She had the most perfect set off full pink lips. And the brown freckle beside them drove him wild every time he looked at it.
He tried to put it off. He tried to shove it away in the back of his brain and just not think about it. He tried to talk himself out of it. But today, it was there. And it was loud. And it was in the back of his mind screaming to be heard. So he listened. The entire way home, he listened to it. And he let it manifest. The entire. Ride. Home.
He thought about how pretty her voice was when she laughed and imagined it'd be even prettier a few decibels higher and moaning his name. How that thick brown hair would look if it was dripping with sweat or wrapped around his hand while he was pulling it. How she didn't care if she wore a t-shirt and leggings, but how he wanted to take them off. He thought about what those eyes would like if they were rolled up to the ceiling and about what that mouth tasted like.
It was just a thought, though. And he let it run rampant for a moment. For the 15 minute ride home. He let it fester and grow and blossom into a full-blown fantasy. A fantasy of him digging deeper and deeper into her body and her fingernails clawing at his back as she ached for more. For 15 minutes. He let it go.
And then he closed it up. He sealed it away. Back into that box, stashed in the back of his brain. Maybe he'd let it come out again. Maybe he'd let it breathe for a moment. After he spent an hour or two with her on Friday. He'd let it out. Let it exercise. And then he'd lock it back up.
And return to it again only when he wanted to.
