Chapter 11 – The changing of the mind
In all of the excitement and confusion I had forgotten about my promise to Philip. It was only as my stay reached three weeks that I realised that he would soon come looking for me. I hurriedly wrote him a letter, explaining that I had found Robin, and I told him not to worry about me. I supposed that Philip expected me to return to France, so I told him that the length of my stay was indefinite. I knew that he understood that I needed to spend time with Robin, but as I wrote, my whole outlook on life changed.
Until that point I had always envisaged myself returning to Philip and France eventually, but taking each aspect of my life into consideration, I realised that I would never be able to return to Philip. My brother was one of the most wanted outlaws in the country, and I had certainly hindered my reputation by consorting with him. I knew it was foolish to think of marrying Philip when he had never mentioned it himself, but now I would not have that privilege. I would taint his name, and his honour. I had no choice but to force him to forget me. It soon became laughable to me that I had ever thought it possible that we could be happy together. He was so much better off without me. My only option was to stay where I was. I hoped that one day Philip would understand that I removed myself from his life because I loved him. I did love him, but I had never told him. Perhaps it was better that way.
I needed to get my letter to France, but it would be risky. I decided that I would ask Will to help me. I thought he was my safest bet, considering he knew of Philip. It turned out that he was only too happy to help me, and took my letter into Nottingham to find someone to deliver it. I had balked at the idea of a complete Stanger having my letter in their possession, but when he returned he told me that Marian's cousin was headed to France in a few days, and could be trusted with my charge.
One thing that I noticed about living in the forest is that you had a lot of time to think, and sometimes too much. I presented a facade for my friends, to hide what I was really going through. My mind was in turmoil, and I couldn't stop thinking about Philip. I knew how I truly felt about him now. I really did love him. I had never really understood how heartbreak felt but now I thought that perhaps what I was feeling was close. I had heard people say that heartbreak was an actual pain, but I had never thought that emotions could injure you so.
Oh how wrong I had been. I felt it as soon as I heard that the letter was successfully on its way to France. My heart – my actual heart – throbbed. At night, when all was quiet and I was left alone to my thoughts it ached so much that I could barely breathe, but when I was busy, helping the others, and smiling and laughing and when Philip wasn't in the foremost of my thoughts; it was still there. It was a dull throbbing which never ceased.
Now I thought I understood what my French friends had spoken of. In fact, I thought perhaps I was feeling more than they ever had done. Was this how Marian and Robin felt about each other? Over the course of my stay, I would come ever so close to divulging my secret to Marion several times simply because I thought that she may be able to relate to what I was feeling; but I always stopped myself before it was too late.
Robin didn't ask much about my life in France. It seemed that he wanted to know as little of it as possible. This didn't shock me, but confirmed my fears. Although Robin accepted me and was civil towards me, I felt now more than ever, that he wished he did not know me. Sometimes I would sense his eyes on me, and when I would steal a glance in his direction I would see that same expression. At first I had imagined it to be sheer loathing, but as the months passed, I realised that it was completely unreadable.
Looking back on those months now, I do not know how I managed to cope. Although there were good times to be had, and I greatly enjoyed being able to help people, I was a mess inside. I let everyone think the opposite of course. I was not going to let anyone think that I was weak, so I kept up the pretence. All the while I was in some kind of stupor, wishing that things could be different.
