a/n: Over 350 reviews - please do not stop!!
Not the best chapter but enjoy!!
Chapter 11
EPOV
I walked through the corridors of the hospital intent to find my father. Surely he would have known about this, about the risks, about the chances. Why did he seem to try to simplify it so much?
I barged thought his office door, sure I would find him there. It was almost time for him finishing and he would be tying up all the loose ends of the day.
"Edward." he called, as if he expected me. I wouldn't be surprised if my mother had gave him a heads up.
I was pissed and I needed to know what had been kept from me.
"My disease, its autosomal dominant, you knew?" It was a question but it came out more of an accusation, though I had every faith he did know.
"Yes, I knew." he stated simply, as if it meant nothing.
"Why didn't you tell me?" why had he kept if back from me.
"Edward, your old enough to do the research on it, you're a doctor, you played dumb to it so why should I be the one to tell you?"
"Because you should have, especially now." I gritted.
"Why now?" He asked.
Was he crazy, this changed everything. "It changes everything."
"It changes nothing, all it means now that you know that you will worry more about the outcome." he told me coolly as he took of his reading glasses and sat back in his chair.
"It could have changed Bella's mind if she knew earlier. She might have thought about it more."
"Edward, you know as well as me that this doesn't matter to Bella, she will still love them just as much. This would never have changed her mind, and you know it."
I couldn't help but be so angry at him. He hid this from me purposely.
"How long have you known?" I asked him, my voice low.
He shrugged "I always knew. Does it really matter Edward? Would it change anything?"
"What about Alice and Emmett, they think they can pass it on to there children too."
The condition can only be passed on if a parent has the defect in there gene. The don't have it, they can't pass it along. I have it, I can."
"They know. I told them. They were concerned about it once and came to me."
"So my biological father must have had it?"
He nodded in response "He appeared to show no signs of it though from what I know. The defective gene was in there, it just wasn't active. Same could happen to your child if they even do have it."
"But I should have known, I could have change her mind, I could have saved someone else from this."
"There not as ill fated as you think, you know, they will live just fine and they might not even have it." He pushed and though I knew he could be right, he could be wrong also.
"But they might. Fifty percent chance, dad. How could you think it would be a good idea not to tell me."
"Because you would act like this and it would get you no where."
He stood up swiftly and placed on his white coat before ordering me to follow him.
"I just don't know why you didn't even mention it, really, did you not think it mattered?"
"Not really, Edward. If you wanted to learn more about it you could have, but you have always just been so ignorant to it."
We paced thought the corridors and I had no idea where he was leading me until he told me to look around as we entered a set of heavy doors.
I did. I glanced around and all I saw were incubators filled with tiny babies.
"Is there a point to this?" I felt pretty disgruntled that he was actually forcing me to look at a room full of new born babies in the special care unit.
He jutted his head to one of the cold looking plastic boxes. "Here, this girl was born yesterday. Look down at her side."
The baby was tiny and a light shade of blue flushed thought her skin. On her chest was sticky pads, monitoring her heart rate, that irritating machine keeping an eye on her pulse. She had tubes in front of her trying to supply her with oxygen and there was an IV line going into her taped up foot and a tube down her nose. Her side was taped up with gauze surrounding a cut wound that clearly had been done only earlier going by her age. She looked so fragile and I gave a silent prayer that she would live through this.
I looked back at him blankly but still a little taken at the sight that was in front of me though I was almost use to it. "The baby had surgery first thing this morning. She will no doubt have about another four or five in her life, major surgeries, just like that one. Tricuspid atresia, pulmonary stenosis and TGA. She had a shunt to keep her alive for the time being. Without it she would have only a few days to live." he shrugged almost sadly at the figure. I was surprised she was still even here.
"You see, we all have our own struggles. Her mother and father were both completely healthy. You just don't know what you're going to get out of life and you don't get to pick either. This," he nodded to the little frail baby. "this is her battle in life, the same as you have yours, the same as everyone. We all have our demons to battle. It makes us who we are.
"Me and your mother never got to have children of our own and as much as we love you all as if you were our own, we never got that option so we accepted it and did what we could. And really, I couldn't think of my life being any better without you three. Same goes for you're mother. Rose and Emmett are in a similar position to us but you're not, you get to experience that along with Bella, only you can't take it out on the baby, because that's who they are. You can't take it out on Bella either for thinking that a soul like yours deserves to live. I couldn't imagine a life without you and I know it's hard but you get through it and you carry on, it's always been what you and Bella have said and done, but the rest of the world is doing the exact same thing, life is never always easy."
He quietened as I looked back down at the tiny baby, all she wore was her nappy, a little pink cap and mittens. She was warm, she was healing, but this was only the beginning of her battle.
"Well done Bella, you have successfully found the biggest dive in all of Seattle." I piped in.
Ok it was liveable, but only just. and that was only if half a dozen things had been fixed over on the house.
I had a slightly different view on things after seeing my father. I understood things clearer, that things weren't quite so black and white. Life wasn't black and white, there was a lot of grey and that was what made it interesting.
I still hated that there was fifty percent chance of them getting my condition, but Bella was right, I was still here. As many thoughts I had about doing something to myself, I had something pulling me back from the edge and that was the fact that I had people who loved me.
I hated the attacks but they were rare when I behaved, ate when I should and sleep when I needed it. I had only had a handful within the last nine years, and the last one was pretty much self-induced by my own stupidity. Without the pressure of this whole situation I had managed through adulthood not too badly. I had struggles but like my dad said, everyone had there own demon to battle.
I wanted Bella and I was growing to accept that this is what she wanted and that this was a losing battle and one that I was beginning to not mind losing after all.
"Hey, it's not that bad." she huffed.
"Bella, he's right. For once." Alice told her and I smiled smugly back at her.
"Ok, it need's to be fixed up a little but I can manage that. Beside's I have already put my first months rent in."
"You what? Why? When did you see it?" I couldn't help the questions from firing out my mouth. How daft was she rushing into this.
"I saw it online." she squeaked out almost ashamed.
"Online?" I questioned not quite believing as Alice let out a loud sigh.
"We'll I don't care, ask for your money back."
"I can't." she protested in a little panic.
I rubbed my face at the thought of her being so childish in this whole situation that she rushed out and paid money to an apartment she hadn't even seen. But I couldn't blame her, she was trying to make a stand against me, I had pushed her into it.
"Bella, come back to our apartment." I saw Alice snap around to us from the corner of my eye as Bella shook her head.
"Bella, it makes sense. Or at least stay at my mums until you find somewhere else. Don't rush into this." I told her calmly.
"I paid for it." she argued.
"I don't care, I'll cover you're rent, but as long as it isn't here."
"Bella, he has a point, stay with my mum, she loves you staying there, besides I can only imagine her reaction when she sees this…" The painful expression on Alice's face showing us my mothers distain if she found out Bella was living here.
"It looked better online." she mumbled to herself rather than anyone else.
I nodded sympathetically. I had no doubt that Bella had been taken for a ride. "I'm sure it did. Old pictures." I shrugged as I spoke softly.
She chewed on her lip and her eyes glazed over.
I pulled her into me, clearly she was up set that this was going wrong for her and as happy as I was that it wasn't a great place, I wasn't going to gloat in her misery and her mistake.
"You know, I need to be heading. I have to meet Jasper." Alice told us quietly. I nodded, acknowledging her before she slipped out the front door.
Bella pulled herself away and wiped at the small tears in there corners. "I'm such a cry baby." she laughed half heartedly at herself.
"Hey, don't worry about that. Don't worry about any of it, ok?" She nodded again as I pulled her into my chest. She felt so right there, I didn't want her to leave me.
"Live with me?" I asked.
"Where will I sleep?" she asked as if she was tired. "In the nursery?" she shrugged. "We want different things."
"Do we?" I had to ask because through everything, was what we wanted so far apart? We didn't even seem like we had separated. I felt bound to her as I always had and I knew she felt it too, the look in her eyes told me, no matter what her mouth was saying.
She sighed as she looked up at me "Edward, I know what I want, do you know what you want?"
"I want you." that, I knew, that, I was sure off.
"Do you want this baby?" she asked as if she already knew that answer.
"Yes." it came out as a whisper and I couldn't believe it had came out. But it was the truth.
She looked up at me all wide eyed and full of surprise.
"You…you do?" she asked confirming.
I thought about it for a second. I did want this baby, there wasn't a moment I didn't want them. It was just unfair to have to introduce them to my world.
"Yes I do. I don't like that they might grow up to be like me but I do want them."
Her brows furrowed and she tried to find her words but she struggled.
I interrupted her before she could say anything. "Listen, can we go for some food and talk about it over diner? I needed to eat."
She smiled softly at me, no doubt happy that I was looking after myself.
I took her hand out to the car and opened her door for her, helping her in before closing it and getting to my side. I drove across town in search of something decent to eat. I didn't want her to be filling up on too much junk food, it wasn't healthy for her or the baby.
She took me by the hand into a restaurant and I kept quiet on her oblivious mind not noticing how we just seemed to always come together.
We got shown to a round booth and I was happy I could be close to her and that we could have some privacy.
"So talk, Edward." she pushed.
I took a moment thinking over my words, my thoughts and everything else that had been rammed into my head this past week.
It had been overwhelming and eye opening, there words were buried deep into me and I couldn't get them out of me.
They made me begin to doubt myself. I didn't know if it was a good thing or not but I was sure Bella would think it was good.
I knew I was losing here, it was happening, I had to accept defeat.
I wrapped my arm around Bella's shoulder, pulling her into me closer.
"You know I love you," she nodded and I was happy that through all this she was accepting of my love still.
"You know I would do anything to make you happy right?" She pulled away from my touch sighing.
"Edward, please don't go over this again 'you would do anything for me but this…', cos that just shows you won't." She snapped.
"Bella, be quiet." I snapped but there was humour to my tone as I rolled my eyes at her.
I had her attention again and she neared a little closer to me and I pulled her into me once again.
"I love you, I would do anything for you, even this. If this is what you want, then fine I give in. I give in, you win, we have the baby." I was sincere in all my words but still she shuffled out from me again.
"Bella…" I called on her confused. Wasn't this what she wanted?
"It wasn't a war Edward. You don't just tell me you give in and expect it all to turn back to how it was." she huffed.
"Why not?" why couldn't it just be that simple for once?
She stumbled, trying to get words out again "Just because, ok?"
"No, I am trying here and you are throwing it in my face."
Her head dropped and she looked sad as she nodded agreeing at my words. She looked back up at me "I…I just want you to be happy about it. I want you to have this with me and not just do it because you want to keep me with you. I need to know that you will love them too."
"Bella, of course I'll love them. Do you not think it tore me apart asking what I did of you? Did you not think I felt like the total selfish prick I know everyone else thinks I am. I had a chance to step up and do something good but instead I backed out acting like I did. I did it with the best of intentions because the world doesn't need another me-"
"The world could do with a million of you. There is no one more perfect in this world than you, you have flaws but so does everyone and I love everyone of your's."
"Yeh, well, we all know you're a little bit bias." I butted in.
"You still don't see it do you? The reasons I love you, the reasons we all love you." She said a little firm.
I shook my head. I understood they loved me, they were my family and Bella, we just connected. There was a million things I could list about her that I loved but there was something undeniable there that stood between us. It was there from the moment I first laid eyes on her.
"Anyway…" I tried to get back on my train of thought. "I just didn't think they should have this life but I realized, or should I say it was pointed out to me, that we just don't know what were going to get, and I suppose if I wasn't who I was, you wouldn't love me."
Bella smiled up at me and for the first time in a while, her eyes sparkled. "Exactly." she told me before she reached up kissing my lips.
Breaking away I wanted to do it again and again. It felt so good not to steal a kiss from her.
"So you're moving back into the apartment?" I asked, hoping.
She was indecisive on this one, you could see her battle begin again inside her head. "I want too, I do. I just want to make sure that you have had some time to adjust to everything…In case you change your mind."
"I'm not going to change my mind." I wasn't. I wasn't going to make this any harder than I already had made it for her.
She gave a confused shrug and sighed. She wasn't sure what to do.
"Bella…" I was begging her.
"Edward…" she mocked me in the same tone.
"I miss you." I missed everything about her, I missed her smell on the bed covers, I missed her small warm hands reaching out for me in the middle of the night, I even missed tripping over her damn trainers in the dark on the way to the bathroom. Nothing was the same with her out of the apartment.
"I miss you too." she pulled herself in closer to me to validate her words.
"Please?" I asked.
"A couple more days, just make sure you have thought over it, that you are sure because I really can't do that, I can't go through that again."
"I can't go through that either but not having you there, it's just as painful."
"Well I'll be coming back, if that's what you want, if this, all of this is what you really want."
I nodded. I really did want it all and I hated the doubt that dusted my thoughts. Perhaps she was right, maybe this would show her that today wasn't a fleeting moment, I didn't want to leave her nerves rattled, worried that I would turn around and change my mind. If she was asking for this, it was because she still held some concerns and easing them was my main priority.
"Ok. If that's what you want." I shrugged. "But you can't come back in a couple of days."
She looked up at me confused "Why?"
"You will be in New York." I told her. No one was getting my place, not after today. I was taking Bella and that was an end to it. It was what we both needed.
The perplexed look on her face with her scrunched up brows was pretty cute and I couldn't help but laugh as she asked how.
"I booked it for your birthday a few weeks ago. I thought you deserved it." I shrugged.
She looked up at me, surprised as hell but she was smiling. She never said anything, she only reached up and kissed me on the lips, the other diners getting a little more than they bargained for.
I laughed as she broke away with the smile still plastered to her face.
"I mean that's if you want to go..?" I teased.
She only laughed as she pulled herself back into me and resting her head on my shoulder.
BPOV
It had been two day, two days since everything changed once again. I was elated with everything finally coming together.
I had made Edward promise me to think through it carefully. As much as I never wanted him to change his mind, I needed to make sure if he did, that I wasn't back in the apartment for it, that I wouldn't have to leave like I did the last time. Packing up when he was in hospital.
My apartment Downtown was a nightmare. The photographs looked great online but the reality of it was pretty different. I expected a little wear and tear but that was something else.
I had been worried to take Edward down in fear of the neighbourhood being worse than I thought but it wasn't, it wasn't to bad at all. The apartment needed work and it was doable but the feeling of opening the door and realizing I had been swindled, I was embarrassed. More to the fact that Edward was there to see it in all It's glory.
I could have lived there once it had some work done to it but I didn't have the money and I didn't have the time and Edward and Alice had never lived in accommodation so modest except from halls in college so they weren't prepared for what they saw, and I suppose neither was I.
I had let my disappointment show too easily though and the vision of the pictures I had seen passed though my head and I wanted to cry. I had cried but I had held most of the tears back, ashamed that I had been so stupid to jump into something, just to prove a point. I knew I could really survive ok on my own but the pressure of wanting to show Edward I could do just fine and do it quickly, I rushed headfirst into disaster and along with a months rent being thrown away too.
But then he made everything right.
He said everything I wanted to hear.
He wanted the baby.
He wanted our baby.
I was concerned at first. Was it really what he wanted or was it a panic at the thought of not having me back? I needed him to love them and he had said he would but I needed him to think about it, at least for a couple of days so I knew he was serious.
He called
He called constantly
The calls were usually light, one wasn't and I could hear his struggle, not with the choice, but his condition. He tried for it not to effect his thoughts on us being together but he grew frustrated that I was making him think about it and he called me just to simply snap at me. He thought I was being unfair not trusting him. It was a one sided argument, I wasn't playing into him and I stayed strong and told him that I did love him and if this is what he wanted, I would go to New York with him.
The time apart not seeing his face made me need him all the more. The separation was beginning to take it's toll on me and I still struggled to sleep without him by my side.
I knew what I was doing was right, it was only two days apart. He knew where I was and when he called he made it abundantly clear he wasn't changing his mind. That he was sticking with me through this.
Esme understood my apprehension at not wanting to rush back to his side. I think she liked it actually.
She seemed amused that I wasn't making it easy for him and I think she was a little proud of me for doing so.
It wasn't that I was trying to make it difficult for him, I really just did have to try to protect my own heart. It was fragile enough and I didn't need the pain again. It wasn't only myself I had to be concerned about now too.
I had found out that there was a higher chance of passing on the condition than we both first thought and my worry about Edward only increased. When I told him he was furious that it didn't deter me at all.
I didn't understand why it should, the condition could be bad, attacks could be fatal and Edwards struggle with depression, anxiety and mood swings were hard to deal with, but not impossible.
He was still an incredibly strong human being, both emotionally and physically.
Every trait of the condition was a struggle for him but it was also something that had built him, it was what made him who he was and he was only now beginning to see that without these things shaping him, he would be a totally different person and I don't know if that would have been someone I would have loved.
Would he have had the same determination if life had been easier? Would he have been as passionate when he was with me, making up for lost time when he wasn't?
I didn't like that Edward shouted at me, that he told me he didn't love me but I understood why it happened and that it was never my Edwards real thoughts or feelings.
I knew that with the baby growing up and if they did have his condition, at least they would have Edward, they would have there dad and he could understand and sympathize with them but he could also show support and we could both provide the support that Edward struggled to get when younger.
We would make it work, we would make it so they didn't have to struggle like Edward had.
The thought of having a baby was a little overwhelming but the thought of them being like Edward had almost centred me. I loved Edward and I understood him, but I knew that they wouldn't be like him even if they did have his condition, that they would have there own little personality and react differently to things.
I felt confused at what I wanted them to be like.
Did I want them to be just like Edward, he could be so pensive, but in a good way. But then I thought what if they were a little more like Alice, out going and energetic.
In the end though, all that mattered was that they were there own person and that they were happy and healthy with who they were - condition or not.
I pushed down on my holdall trying to gather everything in it and close it up.
I was going to New York
Me and Edward were going to New York.
I was looking forward to it and for the first time I tried to ignore the extravagance of the present. I accepted it and was glad that we were at least able to spend some time together, away from everything else and just relax.
It would also be a good time to talk, to talk properly. Edward and I had spent out time since our evening at the restaurant apart and we were both realizing our futures without the other. This was our time to talk through any issues or concerns before we got back to Seattle and I returned to the apartment with him.
I heard a knock on the bedroom door as Edward walked thought. He seemed nervous and he pulled on his beautiful bronze hair as he mumbled a hello and stood at the door as if waiting to be invited in.
I reached for him because I needed to touch him, any part of him, to let that spark of electricity pass through my bones and remind me I was still alive. That's what he did to me, without him I didn't exist, I felt numb and I knew there would be no one else with that effect on me ever again.
I pulled his hand out of his hair and he smiled down softly at me, at our contact.
"You always do that." he told me, like he had done so many times before.
"That's because I don't like to see you take your nerves out on yourself."
He scoffed "Nerves?" Who was he trying to kid.
I stood in front of him and crossed my arms in front of him and raised an eyebrow at him, I was joking and he knew but he conceded with a sway of the head.
"Ok, I just don't want to screw things up. I'm gong to try hard to keep my mouth shut." he smiled.
I reached up and kissed him on the lip softly. "Don't keep anything bottled in, you know it doesn't help, if you have something to say, then say it, we need to work this out properly and not just dance over it and pretend it never happened."
He nodded silently and pulled me into him. "I just want to try and make this up, make it all up to you. I love you."
"I love you, too." He was always incredibly vocal when it came to declaring his love for me, I think he tried to make up for all the bad with those three words and so I knew he loved me when he told me he didn't.
I had every feeling that there would be at least some spat between the two of us while we were away but I knew it was unavoidable, with Edwards condition alone and the testing subject we were dancing around.
I reached for by holdall and slung it over my arm before I turned to see Edwards face had changed again.
The tension was set in his locked jaw as he immediately put his hand out to me.
I looked at him confused before I realized what had got to him.
"Edward I can carry a bag." I sighed. When was he going to realize I wasn't an invalid.
"You shouldn't be carrying a bag that heavy." he practically growled.
I rolled my eyes at the beginning of our trip starting out like this.
"Yeh, well I had to carry a lot more when I moved out." I told him pointedly. Ok so it wasn't the best thing to bring up at this exact moment but I could carry a damn bag down a flight of stairs.
He pulled the bag quickly off my arm and I felt it tug me forward with it.
He never spoke, he only turned his back to me and walked out the door with my bag for our time away and our first spat beginning before we had even left the front door.
a/n: Please review amd let me know what you thought!
Ok not the best chapter I know!! I'm sorry. My mind had died on me and I have been pretty busy this weekend and hungover too.
I'll give you a coconut if you know what Carlisle said about the baby - without wiki'in it! lol
