A/N: Stories evolve...and with them...their writers too. The first story was totally meant to be in Santana's POV and the second story was amazing in multiple POVs...now I realize that in order to get where I want this story to go...I have let Brittany open up and give us her new insight on life. If you have stuck with me thus far, then you know that everything I do has a purpose...so let's keep the faith!

Thanks for your reviews and your adds...each one...is intrigal to keep this story alive.

This chapter may be trigger heavy for some...proceed with caution.

-A


Chapter 12: I'll Be Waiting (Adele)


I clamped down on them...because I knew that love can blind you and I didn't want it to get in the way.

We were trying to start fresh and I was afraid if I let my old feelings crest to the surface, that they might not all be good ones.

I had to see this like rehab.

One step at a time, one day at a time.

And hopefully...one kiss at a time.


Brittany's POV


My heart has been so cold for days...weeks...I'm not even sure just how long anymore.

I keep reaching for that happiness that got me through high school and helped me to stay positive through everything.

My well had dried and there didn't seem to be any way to replenish it.

I had tried so hard to pull myself up and push myself but Ana always has this way to break past all that.

My actions, my words had made her look so lost and so small as we sat in that truck.

I was giving her everything that I had...the truths that I was sure of.

And that's not much these days.

She is my future but for all I know...it could be like far in the future.

I just know that she is the best friend that I ever had, she has been my protector and my comfort and I have never needed her more than right now.

All that I'm certain that I can be for her is just...better.

I had been terrible to her.

Those days that I spent alone in my office had been days full of reflection.

I took a step back and looked at my life and I definitely didn't like what I saw.

Who had I become?

What did I look like in her eyes?

All I know is that the way she looks at me isn't the same...and I'll do anything to get that look back.


I managed to get about four hours of sleep which was a huge improvement over what I had been getting when I wasn't being held in her arms.

After knowing that my leaving had set us back...I was afraid to move even though I had to pee.

"Go to the bathroom, B...you're squirming." She mumbled against my neck.

I guess she does still know some things about me.

"Are you sure?" I asked...which looking back, was silly because she was holding me and not the other way around.

"Go...I'll be right here when you get back." She lifted her arm and then I felt her shift.

I sat up and saw that she was sitting up as well.

She rubbed her chest and looked at me in discomfort.

"You want me to get your pump?"

"No...I'll get it...go pee." She smiled and then climbed out of the bed and walked out of the room.

I felt so relieved as I sat in the bathroom and collected my thoughts.

The clock on the wall told me that it was just past four in the morning.

I was wide awake.


When I returned to the room, she still wasn't back so I headed towards the nursery. She was sitting in the glider as the machine did it's job. She was completely topless and was staring out the window, trapped in her own thoughts.

I didn't want to bother her...but I didn't really want to be alone either.

So I just lingered in the doorway until the machine buzzed.

She quietly cleaned up and put the new milk bottles in the little mini fridge.

Apparently, she was really trapped in her head because when she turned around and saw me standing there, she flinched and dropped her eyes.

"How long were you standing there?"

"Not long...just came to check on you."

She quickly put her shirt back on and then walked towards me and held out her pinky.

"Ready to go back to bed?"

"Actually...I'm not really tired...are you?"

She had always been the grumpiest person in the mornings but ever since the early morning feedings and runs she was slowly morphing into a morning person.

"Nope...I just...I'm excited to start our day." she said as she held my pinky in her hers.

She didn't move though.

She wasn't trying to lead me anywhere. She just stood there and looked up at me with hopeful eyes.

"Want to go for a run?" I asked as I pulled her towards the door.

"Do you mind if we just walk?" she looked at me nervously.

"That sounds good...let's get ready then."


Is car trouble a bad sign?

My truck died and when Mr. Hummel came to tow it he said that it probably was on it's last leg.

Ana was a good sport about it...she simply went back into the house and then we headed to the garage and took her dad's old car.

She even let me drive.

He was probably rolling in his grave but she seemed to get a thrill out of seeing me drive the car.

She kept shooting me looks and smirks as we headed towards the Lima Bean for coffee.

I parked with her watching me closely and when I parallel parked with ease she breathed out a sigh of relief.

We had been living in New York for a year now, so parking in Lima was something I was sure I could do with my eyes closed...not that I was going to attempt it.

That would be insane...even for me.

"Welcome to the Lima Bean!"

Ana's head shot up when she saw the person on the other side of the register.

"Karofsky?" she said as she got up to the counter.

"Hi ladies!" he said in a really chipper, fake voice.

"How are you?" I asked as Ana stared up at the menu behind him with disinterest.

She seemed totally annoyed by his presence and I wasn't quite sure why.

"I'm good...home for the summer and needed to keep my hands busy."

Ana scoffed but still pretended to be ignoring the conversation.

"That's always a good thing...I'll have a grande hot chocolate and Santana will have a...bottle of water and a grande soy caramel latte."

He nodded as he scribbled our orders onto two cups and then handed them to the barista before he came back and punched in the amount.

"Anything else for you ladies?"

He looked like he was actively trying to smile at Ana but she was now hovering over the display area and ignoring him.

"Ana? Do you want anything else?" She looked at me and then shook her head before reaching forward and grabbing her water from the counter top.

"That will be $13.87."

Ana pulled a twenty out of her bra and put it on the counter.

"Keep the change...I'm sure you need it." Ana said in a cold voice before walking over to the barista and striking up a cheerful conversation.

That wasn't very nice.

She had never flaunted her money in anyone's face...what had changed?

When I looked up at Dave, I could see that his ears were red and he looked completely embarrassed.

I smiled the best that I could.

And here I thought that her bullying days were over.

"Thank you very much!" I said before turning and walking towards Ana who was obviously flirting with the hot barista.

What the hell was going on?


Ana smiled at me as she handed me my hot chocolate.

Was she hoping for a certain reaction?

Was she testing me?

"Do you want to stay here or go straight to the park?" I asked.

"Anywhere but here...please?" She said as she walked ahead of me.

We definitely needed to talk about this.

I spent way too much time in high school ignoring the things that she done and the way that she had treated people.

She was a mother now, she couldn't act like that anymore.

Not if we were going to be together again.


We walked across the road side by side, but I kept my mouth shut.

Ana is a complex person at times but once you get to know her, she's always the same on the most basic levels.

If I asked her to explain herself, before she was walking the trail and relaxed, she would snap at me.

I was so not in the mood to be snapped at so I waited.

Once we crossed into the park, I linked pinkies with her and pulled her down to the pond where the ducks were.

I led us to our old bench at the furthest end of the lake near the walking trail and I sat down.

She plopped down beside me and before I could even say a word...she surprised me.

"I'm sorry that I was such a bitch back there. I didn't even realize that I still held such a heavy resentment towards Karofsky until I saw his stupid smiling face."

"Wow."

She looked at me but I didn't look back at her.

I kept my eyes forward as I watched a duck family swim across the lake all in a row.

She was really getting under my skin with comments like that.

So watching the ducks calmed me, it was the most peaceful thing that I knew.

It's what I missed the most when I was in the busy streets of the city.

She sighed and then took a huge gulp of her coffee before she spoke again.

"I slept with him...back when you were with Artie...back before he was out. Later, when he found out that I had been an escort and that I was having a baby...I still haven't figured out how...he harassed the shit out of Ian. He kept telling him how he was having a baby with a whore. He did it all the way up until Ian killed himself...I had thought that I put a stop to it but Tor told me that he was constantly calling Ian...that he even approached her a few times. He told her...about me. About everything, he told her that I was a money hungry slut. I...it's just...that was me trying not to curse him out...that was me trying to take the high road. He...he's angry because he couldn't fake being straight...like I could...he told Tor that I used Ian and that I didn't give a shit about him. He called my kids bastards. How can I forgive that?"

I scooted closer and just wrapped an arm around her.

"I don't think you have to." I said before leaning in and kissing her temple.

We didn't need anymore words in that moment.

She explained herself and even though I was kind of annoyed that she had acted that way, she had a reason and I couldn't be angry with her for it.

For her, that had been nice considering how he had been.


We quietly walked the trail but for the first time, we weren't actually touching each other.

I think touching was too much right now...we were easing back into things, still.

As we neared the end of the trail, we reached a small gorge that overlooked another level of the woods. I stopped and stood near the edge, not really nervous since the drop was only about four feet.

I could feel her stop right next to me and then lean against my shoulder.

"Are you mad at me?" She said after a few more moments of silence.

"No...I just wish...that you had told me about it."

"I just did...without being asked. When have you known me to offer up explanations...truthful ones without being asked?"

"I know...that's why I'm not mad. It's just...there is still so much that I don't know about what you went through...there is so much that I don't understand about you. I want to know you better. I want us to have that link between us, where I could read you. There's a wall though...there's miles between us even with you standing right next to me."

"I know. I want it to be better, Britt Britt."

"I want you to love me again."

"I do love you."

"You love who I was...but I don't think you can even begin to say you love me as I am now. I don't think you really knew me even back then. You didn't even know I was on medication and we had been dating for a year."

"That still shocks me." She said as she kicked at the ground in front of her.

"I used to be really good at keeping my secrets, almost as good as you. Now though...I'm starting to realize that the secrets that we kept...that we still keep are poisoning our relationship. I think in order for us to trust each other we need to lay it all out...everything."

"Everything?" her voice got small and tight as she shifted on her feet and wrapped her arms around her chest.

"Everything and just so that you can be comfortable...I can go first. I can open up to you. Tell you the stuff that I have always kept to myself...what do you think?"

I turned to look towards her and saw that she was actually biting her lip.

It made me smile because I always knew that she did it in private but not in front of people.

She didn't like to appear nervous.

"How about truth for truth?" She finally said as she shifted her eyes to meet mine.

Her walls were completely down, she was completely open to me in that moment and I was so grateful for it.

"Are you sure you can handle that?"

She sighed and sucked in a shaky breath and then shook her head.

"No but I can't wait until I'm ready. I need to open up...I know that. Rehab showed me how...and before I found out about Grady...I was ready to do that with you."

I closed my eyes and sucked in a breath as I pressed a hand to my empty stomach.

My baby was gone.

It hurt more than just me...I could see the pain in her eyes as she glanced towards my stomach and then back up at me.

She brought a hand to my face and the other she placed under my shirt against my stomach.

Her warm hand touched me where my bump had been and I suppressed the urge to cry out.

Grady's words were coming back to me and I was trying to swallow them back.

"Talk to me, B."

I shook my head and just looked away as she caressed my face.

"I can't...not about...not yet." I said as I looked back at her.

Her eyes stayed warm as she nodded and gave me small smile.

"Can I kiss you?" she asked me.

I leaned down and kissed her this time around.

It was like in that small, quick kiss she was transferring all of her calm.

The kiss calmed an ache in my soul and made my body feel warmer.

I had been carrying a cold in my bones since that day at the clinic.

No matter what I did, it never left me.

Only when Ana touched me.


On the walk back towards the park, we had our pinkies linked.

"So how about Daniela...isn't she getting so big?" Ana said quietly as she broke our silence.

"She's just such a ball of happy. I can't believe all that blonde hair she has. It's kind of insane how she looks like me. You know what else, I put her down on the floor in the dance studio and before I could blink she had crawled all the way to the other side of the room."

"She's been pulling herself up in the crib too."

"I can't believe how quickly time is flying by. I mean...it seems like she was just born and now she's seven months old and don't even get me started on Izzy."

"Our son is a handful...I don't know how you calm him down with the jealousy...you have to teach me before you go back to New York."

"I don't know what it is...he's just mad because he wants all of our attention and Dani is hogging it."

"Tell me about it! I was in bed, breastfeeding and he was sitting next to me playing with his keys...then the next thing I knew he was grabbing at my other boob. I froze...thankfully Mami walked in and called his name. Otherwise...I don't know how I would have turned him down."

"Wow."

"Yea...I mean have you seen his teeth? I was going to ask the doctor if I could maybe put it in his cup or something...I don't know if that would make a difference."

"That's...wow."

She was blushing as we walked out into the park.

"Hey, B?"

She stopped us and looked up into my eyes.

"Yea?"

"Are you hungry?"

"Starving." I said as I looked at her with a smile on my face.

"We Lime?"

"Pancakes!" I said excitedly.

It had been awhile since I had allowed myself to get this happy about anything...I think Ana brings it out of me with that smile of hers.

We were definitely making progress.


We walked slowly back across the road, pinkies linked and my mind going in circles.

It was definitely going to be tough being completely open with Ana but I knew that we needed this.

That I needed this.

We climbed back in the car and a chill ran through me.

Exactly what I had been hoping to avoid...just for today.

I was suddenly really tired and was glad that the drive to We Lime was not that far.

So I eased up on the gas and focused on driving without making Ana worry.

I could feel her eyes on me and so I focused even harder on the road.

I completely surprised myself when we pulled into the parking lot of the restaurant in one piece.

When I turned off the car and then sat back against the seat, I realized just how blurry my vision was. I just needed to swallow back the nausea and make it to the table.

Focus Lopez.

"Britt Britt?"

I turned my head towards the sound of her voice and saw that she was standing with my door open and her hand out.

"How'd you move so fast?" I said as a lazy smile crossed my face.

"Come on...if we don't get some food in you...I'm scared that you might pass out."

I took a deep breath and pushed myself to stand up.

The world was spinning but I just allowed Ana to lightly pull me along.

I could feel the worry coming from her in waves.

I don't remember walking into the restaurant or sitting down in a booth across from the prettiest woman in the world but it happened.

Somehow.


"B?"

My head shot up and I saw a really deep concern written all over Ana's face.

"Yea?" I said as I looked back down at my menu trying to concentrate.

She reached across the table and covered my hand with hers.

She didn't even look around to see if people were watching.

She had definitely come a long way.

New York had been good for her.

"You don't look so good...do you want to just go back to the house?"

I looked into her eyes and could see wrinkles etching themselves on her face.

"No. I'm fine. Just a little dizzy...I just need to eat something."

I tried to reassure her but it wasn't working.

"Are you sure?"

No. I wanted to say but I was being stubborn.

"Yea...here comes the waitress. Too late to back out now."

I flashed the waitress a smile and before she could introduce herself, I was ordering a huge stack of pancakes and some orange juice.

Once the perky waitress left us alone again, Ana had returned to staring at me.

"You took those pills that I got filled for you, right? All of them?"

I looked at her dumbstruck.

Was I that obvious.

At least I could be honest.


"Yes. I took the antibiotics."

"Have you seen a doctor yet?"

She wasn't going to let this go.

Years as a doctor's daughter had made her keen to sickness.

It's why her father had always said she would be a good doctor.

"I'm supposed to go this week. I just haven't made an appointment yet."

My pancakes came just in time because I effectively ended the conversation by stuffing my mouth.

Ana nodded and excused herself from the table. If I had to bet on it she was calling Dr. J.

She wasn't as sneaky as she thought she was.

I continued to eat my food and ignore my body screaming at me.

I didn't deserve to forget what I had done, so the pain and the ache would remain.

I didn't want to numb it.

"B?"

I closed my eyes for just a second but that had been all that was necessary.

I had fallen asleep.


I lifted my head and saw her standing at the end of my bench.

"Come on...I'm taking you to the hospital."

I looked at her in confusion.

We were supposed to be eating breakfast.

"No." I mumbled as I tried and failed to pick up my fork.

I was shaking badly.

I had been trying to avoid her seeing me like this.

It was always like this in the daytime.

I got weak and tired.

It's why I left so suddenly the morning before.

I didn't want her to see me like this.

"I'm really worried B. I'll call an ambulance if I have to...you don't want that do you?"

She now had a hand on my arm.

I looked at her and numbly shook my head.

I hated ambulances. They gave me the creeps.

Ana threw money on the table and asked the waitress to wrap our food while she took me to the car.

She wrapped an arm around my waist and allowed me to lean against her.

Boy was I ever grateful for that because the moment that I was on my feet, my knees buckled.

Ana was calm and collected as she got me out the door and strapped into the car.

She had just closed my door when the waitress came out with our food.

"Keep me updated, Santana. Feel better Brittany."

I smiled and then closed my eyes.

I felt like a heater was on my face but my teeth were chattering as I tried like hell to open my eyes.

"Do we know that girl?" I finally asked.

"Sugar Motta...She was a freshman Cheerio our senior year."

"Oh."

I closed my eyes after that and didn't wake back up for a while.

It was the best sleep that I had gotten in months.


Waking up in the same exact position you were in when you had an abortion is never a good thing.

The moment that I realized that I was flat on my back with my knees open and my legs angled on those fucking foot things...I began to freak out.

"Shhh...it's okay...shhh...I'm here, B."

Ana's hand touched my forehead as she came into my line of vision.

She had her arm wrapped over my stomach and was holding me still.

I looked up at her and wanted to scream but the tears were blocking my throat.

"What's...what's happening?" I whispered finally.

"You're just getting checked out...I'm here. Just relax.

The doctor will be in here any second.

Can you be brave for me...Britt Britt?"

I looked at her and shook my head.

"No...I need to get up." I tried to sit up on my elbows but she pressed a firm hand on my chest so that I was laying flat again.

"You passed out in the car. You started...bleeding, Brittany. Tell me the truth...did you take the antibiotics?" She didn't look angry, just concerned.

"I did...for the first few days...then I spilled them...and...well...I was too embarrassed to go back to the pharmacy." I admitted.

She sucked in a breath and then rubbed at her forehead before dropping her hand down again.

"No more lies...okay." She said as she rubbed my stomach lightly.

My whole body was focused on that touch on my bare skin.

How was it possible for her to scold me and soothe me all at once?


Ana had managed to calm me down but that was until there was someone in the room with us.

The women looked at me with pity and it made me angry.

Fuck...I forgot my medicine.

When was the last time that I took it?

Mom had made me take it...how long ago was that?

Ana still held me as the doctor worked down between my legs and then when the doctor decided to press on my stomach, Ana still kept a hand pressed against my skin as I whimpered.

She refused to move to far from me and honestly, it was the only thing that kept me grounded.

The doctor finally finished her exam, she lowered my feet, then told me to leave the gown on and that she would be right back.

When we were alone again, Ana helped me to sit up and fluffed pillows behind me.

She was delicate and sweet.

Like the old Santana.

It made my head hurt.

I watched quietly as she pulled the chair over so that she was sitting against the bed and then she held my hand in both of hers and kept dropping kisses on my fingers.

"You really worried me, B." she said as she looked at me with a scrunched up face.

"I'm fine."

"No...you're not fine. You have gone way too long ignoring yourself. Your mental health and now your physical health. You're sick."

"No."

"Tell me that you aren't in pain...tell me that you feel perfectly normal."

"I can't." I finally admitted.

"Let me take care of you, then. For so long you have taken care of me...let me take care of you." She said quietly before kissing my hand again.


People have always talked about how guarded Ana is but in all reality...she's not as guarded as I am.

She has helped me to protect my secrets and has allowed me to live in my own reality for so long.

Too long.

But now she was asking me to let her into my world.

Isn't this what I wanted?

Her to love me again?'

To reconnect?

I was staring at her trying my best to allow my guard down when not one but three doctors walked into the room.

All of them had mixed expressions as they approached the bed.

One of them was the doctor who had just looked at me, the other I had never seen before, but the third...the one that looked the most distressed was Dr. J.

Ana sat up and looked at them in fear.

If she was afraid...I should be too...right?

I looked over to the doctors and then I felt Ana kissing my hand again.


"What is it?" I finally asked as I pulled my hand into my lap.

I couldn't focus with Ana holding onto me so tightly.

"You have a bad infection...it's gotten into your blood. If you hadn't come in today...you wouldn't have made it more than a few more days." Dr. J said as he walked around the bed and shined a light into my eyes. "We are going to keep you overnight for observation and we are going to put you on an antibiotic drip. We are also going to have to isolate you...just for the night. Santana can stay."

I looked up at Dr. J and smiled the best that I could.

This was all so confusing.

"I'm going to be okay...right?"

"Lets...get some meds in you and then we will talk about how bad this is. I'm going to get your paperwork ready to get you admitted. It's very important that you are honest from here on out...any pains that you might have...you page a nurse immediately. Santana...if she gets faint, passes out...you page me directly. Okay?"

How had we ended up like this?

It was supposed to be a fun day.

I sat patiently as I got hooked up to an IV and while Ana brushed my hair up into a ponytail.

She looked really anxious but she didn't say anything to even scold me just a small amount.

Instead she kept making sure that I was comfortable.


"I'm sorry that our date got ruined." I said after I was transported to my own room next to the ICU.

"It wasn't ruined...we are still together...right?"

"Are you mad, though?"

"No...I'm just worried about you Britt Britt."

"Why?"

"Because I love you."

The words were effortless for her.

Even after everything that Grady had said.

Ana still loved me.

How could I ever doubt that?


A/N: Let me know what you think...just be gentle ;)