Cronus stared up at the ceiling of his ablution block, focusing on the wavy shapes of the ceiling tiles that had been distorted by the water. He's filled the tub with water so hot it was nearly scalding and submerged himself, breathing through is gills rather than coming up for air. It felt a little odd, breathing underwater after having spent most of his life on land. Sea dwellers were supposed to prefer it this way, but it felt odd to Cronus after having spent so much time on land. The temperature of the water probably didn't help either, but Cronus found it comforting. He was getting used to the heat.
He stayed there until the water got cold, trying not to think. Cronus had spent a lot of his life alone, so he should be able to do so now, but he felt like he was going crazy without anyone to talk to. That, and the loneliness was so much worse now that he knew what he was missing.
Cronus let the water out of the tub, drying himself off and dressing quickly, not bothering with his hair for once. He went back to his respite block and sat on the bed, not really wanting to do anything. There was nothing to do, anyways.
As hard as he tried not to, Cronus couldn't hep but wonder where he had gone wrong regarding Rufioh. Moirails were supposed to keep their plaemates sane, so they wouldn't do things like run off into the forest where their crazy ex matesprit was lurking without so much as a word to anyone. Okay, so Cronus didn't know that that was what Rufioh had done, but he suspected that was the case. Though he didn't understand why Rufioh wouldn't have just made a section of his memories private and retreated there. Cronus supposed he could have, but he'd been to almost all of Rufioh's regular haunts, and there was nothing there. There was only one place left to look.
A steady, insistent pounding on his door interrupted Cronus' train of thought. Cronus sighed, but he got up. He told himself to ignore whoever was knocking, but a glimmer of hope that it was Rufioh compelled him to answer. He sighed internally when he saw the small, nubby-horned figure of his matesprit.
"Oh, hey Kan." Cronus said, waving Kankri inside and trying not to feel disappointed. He shouldn't feel disappointed to see his matesprit. It used to be that he couldn't wait to see Kankri. That every time they parted he would count down the hours until the saw each other again. So why did it seem such like a chore to him now? Cronus knew he still cared deeply for Kankri. He couldn't figure out what was wrong. He told himself he was just distracted because he was so worried about Rufioh.
"Cronus, are you alright?" Kankri asked. Well, at least he got right to the point. That was one thing that Cronus liked about Kankri. Sometimes he was a little too blunt to be considered polite, but at least he didn't dance around an issue if something was bothering him. He always spoke his mind. Now though, Cronus found himself wishing that his matesprit had at least bothered to make some polite small talk or something first.
"I'm fine. I'm just- I'vwe just got something on my mind." Cronus said desperately, wishing that Kankri would leave.
"Oh. Well... I just wanted to see you. I realize that I was a little terse with you the other night and I wanted to apologize. Other things were weighing on me, but I realize that it was completely inappropriate for me to allow that to affect the manner in which I spoke to or treated you." Kankri said, though there was still a hint of annoyance in his tone, and something else Cronus couldn't quite place.
"Oh. Wvell no harm done. I didn't evwen notice. You seemed fine to me." Cronus said, realizing once the words had left his mouth how easily they could be misconstrued. Kankri frowned, but didn't say anything.
"I see. Well in that case, I'll consider the matter forgotten." Kankri said with a slightly relived smile. The two trolls had been standing in Cronus' living block and Kankri took a seat now, looking up at Cronus expectantly. Cronus frowned, but took a seat next to Kankri.
"Listen Kan..." Cronus said, not really sure where he was going with this. He felt a little queasy. Just a few minutes ago he had been wishing for company, but now that Kankri was here, he found that all he wanted to to be alone. Well, maybe not alone, but seeing as his moirail, the troll he really wanted to talk to, was AWOL, solitude was the best alternative. "Wvould you mind... givwing me some spa- a little time to myself? I wvant to see you but... I just need a little time." Cronus said, feeling a little hollow as the words left his mouth.
Kankri's brows came together for a moment, but the he relaxed and stood, looking a little uncomfortable but largely unconcerned.
"Of course. Take all the time you need. But... Come find me when you're ready?" Kankri asked a little sadly. Cronus nodded and smiled, unable to say anything else. Kankri leaned in and gave him a soft kiss before exiting the hive.
When Kankri was gone Cronus sighed, sinking back into the couch. He didn't know what to make of that interaction. A part of Cronus wanted to go after Kankri and apologize for the way that he had acted, but he didn't have the energy to do that. He'd already been stressed, and for whatever reason the encounter with Kankri had left him emotionally drained. He wished Rufioh were here more than ever, or if that wasn't going to happen, that he could somehow disappear as well.
After a moment, Cronus pulled himself up, rushing out the door, heading in the direction on Kankri's hive. It wasn't long before he caught up with Kankri. Cronus called out to him, feeling his blood-pusher pounding in his throat all the while.
"That was fast." Kankri said with a hint of a smile, but his eyes were angry. Cronus felt sick about what he was about to do. But he had to make Rufioh his priority now. And pretending that nothing was wrong wasn't going to fix things with Kankri.
"Kan, there wvas something else I wvanted to talk to you about." Cronus said slowly.
"Alright. Should we go back to your hive?" Kankri said, sounding oddly resigned and impatient. Like Cronus was some whiny wriggler that he was humoring to get him to stop throwing a tantrum.
"Ah... Sure, I guess wve can." Cronus said, wondering why Kankri didn't invite him over. They were a lot closer to Kankri's hive. Trying to to dwell on it, Cronus took Kankri's hand and turned around. For once, Kankri didn't pull away, even though they were in public.
Cronus lead the way in silence, ushering Kankri inside without a word once they'd arrived. Kanrki turned to give him a bewildered glance once they had entered his hive.
"So what was it that you wanted to speak with me about? I hope nothing's wrong..." Kankri said, arms crossed and chin up. Even in his evident confusion there was something haughty in his pose. How odd that Cronus had never noticed that before.
"No, wvas just... thinking of going avway for a vwhile." So much for all his big talk. After telling Rufioh to grit his teeth and face his problems with his matesprit, Cronus was unable to do the same. He was such a hypocrite. After all this was dealt with, he would find Rufioh. Cronus knew he could at least do that much. "And I don't knowv howv long..."
"Go away? You know you can't go very far, don't you? At least, if you want to stay within the bound of the memories of our peers you can't. You weren't thinking of trying to venture further than that, were you? I mean, it might be possible, I can't see why not, but that's a rather large undertaking. Though I admit, I've been curious about our abilities to travel within the bubbles myself..." Kankri rambled on. Cronus waited letting him get it all out. He didn't want to have to be talking over Kankri.
"Wvell, not so much go awvay as just... take some time to myself. Wvork on my music or wvhatevwer." Cronus said. He didn't have his intentions clearly laid out but he still felt like he was being dishonest with Kankri. Because he was going away. Not very far, but far enough. But he couldn't tell Kankri what he was planning on doing. He tried to tell himself that it was for Rufioh's sake; if Cronus told anyone he had a theory as to where Rufioh had gone there was a chance if could get back to Horuss or someone else. At least, Cronus tried to tell himself that was his reason for leaving Kankri in the dark. But then again, maybe he would just take some time alone. After all, he had no idea if he would even be able to find Rufioh. Or if Rufioh would want to talk to him if he could.
"Ah. I see. Well, I appreciate you telling me this. Do you know how long you'll be gone? Not that I want to hold you to a strict schedule, but I'd like to know a basic timeframe if at all possible." Kankri said, something slightly mechanical in his tone. Cronus had known that Kankri wouldn't ask him to stay, but he couldn't help feel a little disappointed anyways.
"I don't knowv. I'll try not to be too long but I don't wvant you to wvorry about it. Wvhen I'm gone, you don't havwe to wvorry about me or anything. You can just go back to the wvay that things wvere before wve wvere together." Cronus said, the hollow feeling in his gut growing stronger.
"Cronus, I know that sometimes confronting someone is hard, but I cannot believe you would take it this far. If you want to break thing off with me I will not fight you on it, but I cannot believe that you would try to remove your own responsibility for your own wants and needs by pretending that this is about "sparing me." Quite frankly, I'm a little appalled at the way that you're treating me." Cronus was glad that they'd gone back to his hive, because Kankri was openly yelling at him at this point.
"Kan, it's not like that. It's just- I really do have to leavwe for a wvhile. And wvell, I don't really knowv wvhat you evwen wvant from me at this point." Cronus said quietly, not having the energy to raise his voice. "I'm not givwing up on you."
Kankri looked like he was about to argue but then his face softened and his shoulders slumped. "Come back." He said giving Cronus a long, serious look. "Go, take however time you need to. And I won't worry about us. But come back." He added.
Cronus didn't say anything. He wanted to leave now more than ever. To run far away from everyone and everything. He couldn't look Kankri in the eyes, not even when he drew in close, placed a soft kiss against the seadwellers lips and then turned to leave.
"I think, if you really are leaving that this is better. That it's better that we break things off, that is. So thank you for telling me you were going." Kankri said without turning around before leaving the hive.
It took all the restraint Cronus had not to bolt out the door as soon as Kankri was gone. He didn't want to be in his hive anymore; he didn't want to be anywhere. That, or he wanted to be wherever Rufioh was. Gone. Kankri was right; he didn't want to get out of his own problems. He wanted to escape.
