What's up my people and welcome back to the Alphawave show and welcome to the ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY OF THIS FANFIC! *blows kazoo triumphantly* I cannot believe I managed to not only get to 12 chapters but actually have the patience to work on this story for a YEAR! I might actually get to the end of this—pfft, I kid of COURSE I'm going to get to the end of this. This is the OTP of all OTPs in my handbook and this ship and fanfic ain't dying.
As of this chapter, we just recently got the pics for DW9 Xingcai and HOT DAMN SHE LOOKS GOOD! Have you seen her hair? I have. It's beautiful. And fortunately (or perhaps unfortunately in our favourite emperor's case) the ass flap she calls a skirt is gone. Apparently not everybody likes her new outfit and I understand everybody is subject to their own opinions but personally I like her new outfit. If my theory is correct, some core elements of her outfit will match with Liu Shan so it's fun for me to imagine what he looks like. Hopefully his outfit is more DW8 than DW7 because I'm one of the few who is not as much of a fan of the fluffy coat.
On a VERY SERIOUS NOTE, when I released my previous chapter there was an anon who sent a review (which I later deleted) that claimed I was supporting 'Silentninja' and that they would report me on reddit if I don't report them here. I won't make any jokes here. I do not know who Silentninja is nor do I care but I do not take kindly to threats, whether they be on me or on others. I do not mind if you do not like this story for whatever reason you may have but bullying is unacceptable. I may be able to walk away from this largely unaffected but I know there are others who could be very well affected by these attempts at threatening. If I ever find out who that anon is I will report them but until then, I am taking no sides in whatever feud is going on between that anon and Silentninja. I repeat: reviews expressing your dislike for the story are perfectly fine by me but any bullying/threats to me or anyone else will be reported.
I'm sorry to have had to end that on a depressing note for the few of you who do read these but I hope you enjoy yourself regardless. Remember kids: I don't own Dynasty Warriors, KoeiTecmo, or the stray cat that has somehow made friends with my neighbour's dog. I do own a nice pencil with 6B lead so that's nice.
Chapter 12: Young and restless
For three weeks Xingcai had been in a desperate attempt to find love and in her journey to find it, so many things had changed. Weapons and armour were replaced with makeup and pretty dresses, battles replaced with dates. She experienced the many sides of humans, relearnt the social protocols she had abandoned in her past in favour of combat, wooed the hearts of many men all in a span of weeks. But after all that she had done, Xingcai had not found a man she thought she could marry. That was, until now.
Even then, she was not sure how she felt about being in love with Liu Shan.
On one hand she felt relieved. After all, this was what she was looking for, a man she trusted and cared enough that she could fall in love with and marry. Liu Shan was slowly becoming stronger in both body and mind. With every passing day, she sunk further and further into his comfortable smile, safe and secure into the arms she trusted to catch her if she'd fall. Liu Shan was kind and gentle and if he held even a fraction of love for her, he would cherish her until the end of their days.
At the same time, however, it complicated matters greatly. Liu Shan made no indication before that he would be attending the betrothal party as a suitor. This meant two distinct possibilities: either Liu Shan held no interest in her, or he was too high ranking to marry someone of her social standing. And just because she knew she was attracted to Liu Shan did not mean she could shirk her responsibilities by refusing dates. For mother's sake more than anyone else, Xingcai had to behave under the pretense that she had not fallen in love yet. There will come a time where she must admit the truth to her mother and reveal her feelings for the emperor but for now, she must continue with the dates regardless.
Liu Shan was sitting beside her on the throne, Xingcai standing guard by his right. He tapped his foot impatiently as he waited for the Jin ambassadors to arrive, his left hand idly twirling around the strands of hair in front of his face. Xingcai noted his quiet musing, the vacant look in his eyes as he stared into the distance. Suddenly Liu Shan glanced right and their gaze met. A mischievous glint emerged from his eyes. "Checking me out, are you?" He smirked.
"A-absolutely not." Xingcai flushed, turning her head away with a huff.
This was the worst thing about these new feelings that have arisen. She could barely say anything before her cheeks started to burn and his form was ingrained into her thoughts. Interacting with him was awkward. Talking to him was almost impossible. The smile she once took comfort in held a different quality now. Sensuous and coy, it teased her as much as it allured her. Xingcai barely got any sleep last night because she could not get his soft voice and warm hands out of her mind, could not forget the look in his eyes when his hand caressed her cheek.
Xingcai shook her head in an attempt to remove Liu Shan from her thoughts, to little avail. The less she thought about Liu Shan and the look in his eyes and the meaning of her own feelings, the easier it will be to concentrate on her job today.
Today marked the arrival of the ambassadors from Jin. Their presence in the Shu court shortly after the departure of the Wei ambassador was by no means a coincidence. With supporters of the Cao family fighting the Sima clan, gaining the favour of either Wu or Shu would signal the start of the fighting between Wei and Jin. Despite Wu and Shu having an alliance, it was very likely that Wu would support the other faction should Shu announce their decision first on which clan they support. At least, that was the gist of what Liu Shan told her earlier that day, who in turn got a more complicated explanation from Zhuge Liang. Watching Liu Shan trying to comprehend Zhuge Liang's technical description of the conflict between Wei and Jin almost made Xingcai feel sorry for him.
Liu Shan sat on his throne, Xingcai standing guard by his right hand side, the throne room now finely decorated with the greatest of Shu's tapestries and art. In front of them, hundreds of nobles and servants and bodyguards stood in anticipation for the arrival of the ambassadors. Almost all of them looked sullen, their joyless, fearful faces made the room unnaturally quiet.
The ambassador was Sima Zhao; a man who had only recently began working in the service of his father and thus was shrouded in mystery. There was talk already about how he inherited his parents' ruthlessness. That he, like his brother, was smarter and more cunning than his father and that it was only Sima Zhao's lack of experience that prevented him from ascending the ranks quickly. Though they were only rumours, it was enough to make most of the Shu court nervous of his arrival. The fact that he was late only seemed to add tension in the air. His carriage had already arrived and he was seen departing from it. There was little reason for him to be this late.
"Do you think he is doing this on purpose, being so unpunctual?" Jiang Wei asked Liu Shan.
Liu Shan's foot stopped tapping. "If he is, then the rumours might have some weight after all."
"So you think they are true, my lord?"
"I do not know, Jiang Wei." Liu Shan replied. "I had similar gossip arise when I first ascended the throne, many of which was untrue. It is possible that these rumours are groundless and it is possible that many are manufactured, designed to bring fear and chaos into other's hearts. I will hold my judgment until I see him with my own eyes."
Jiang Wei smiled knowingly. "You get wiser every day, lord Liu Shan."
Liu Shan scoffed light-heartedly. "It is only common sense, Jiang Wei."
"Common sense is just another form of intellect, my lord." Xingcai added. "You are smarter than you give yourself credit for."
Liu Shan turned to her, a curious look in his eyes as he studied Xingcai as though it was their first meeting. "Perhaps so." He smirked.
Not a second later, before Xingcai could react, he turned to view the people waiting in front of him by the steps, his smirk fading into a softer, less-natural smile.
Xingcai knew she shouldn't get too excited but since yesterday she had begun to notice Liu Shan was behaving differently around her. Giving sneaky smiles, a surreptitious glint in his eyes, small gestures he did that seemed to be his way of signaling her what was in his mind. It was thrilling to be able to get a better glimpse into his mind but Xingcai was worried she might be overthinking things; the way he was behaving right now was just wishful thinking on her part. Once again she focused her attention to the people in front of her. She could not afford to be distracted. Not now, she thought.
When the fanfare began, the people instinctively backed away from the carpet. A servant in the turquoise colours of Jin arrived and bowed deeply. "The royal envoy of the kingdom of Jin, lord Sima Zhao. Accompanying him, his retainer, Wang Yuanji, and his advisor, Jia Chong."
For a few seconds, the three did not appear, leaving many—Xingcai herself included—intrigued. Then, Sima Zhao suddenly appeared, as though pushed from behind. Wide-eyed from surprise, he walked slowly, his retainers Wang Yuanji and Jia Chong appearing shortly afterwards, walking stoically beside him. All eyes were on Sima Zhao. Between his unruly appearance and the lazy way he walked, Xingcai had no doubt what was on everybody's mind. This was the son of Sima Yi?
When the Jin servants filed in and everybody was in position, now was the time for Liu Shan to signal them to speak. Before he could open his mouth, however, Sima Zhao hastily spoke. "Lord Liu Shan, we are grateful for you providing residence for me and my people. We…er…" He turned and whispered something to Wang Yuanji who, exasperated, whispered something back. "Oh right! Yeah, we the people of Jin thank you for your patronage and as thanks, would like to bestow you a…thing."
"Gift." Wang Yuanji whispered, this time loud enough for Xingcai to hear.
"Gift." He repeated. Jia Chong rolled his eyes in amusement.
With the present resting in Sima Zhao's arms, it was Xingcai's job as retainer to retrieve it and deliver it to Lord Liu Shan, which she did with the poise and respect necessary for the job. The present in her hand was unusually light for its size; it could not be gold or jewelry but something even lighter. Xingcai only had a second to ponder before she kneeled and handed the gift to Liu Shan.
Liu Shan smiled majestically as he gingerly opened the present before him. On sight of his gift however, his brows furrowed into confusion and outrage.
"What is the meaning of this?" Liu Shan cried.
Pulling it high up for everybody to see, Liu Shan revealed a scantily short woman's dress. It was gaudy, flower patterns woven unceremoniously into the print, bright hues of pink and green clashed in a chaotic way on this monstrosity of a dress. Chuckles were elicited from the crowd, dying down when Liu Shan glared daggers at Sima Zhao. All in the court knew: this was the ultimate insult to the leader of any nation, to give such a two-faced gift to a host for their hospitality. Xingcai was not completely surprised the Sima clan brought such a gift; it was the perfect way to intimidate and undermine Liu Shan. What did surprise her was the genuinely shocked look on Sima Zhao. He quickly raced up the stairs, grabbed the gift from out of Liu Shan's hands and raced down, handing the present to a servant. He whispered some orders before the servant bowed and exiting the room.
"Wrong gift, lord Liu Shan, sorry." Sima Zhao smiled nervously, akin to a child who was caught past his curfew.
The nobles had begun murmuring to themselves. Wang Yuanji whispered some irate words to Sima Zhao that appeared to be along the lines of "you should have checked which gift was which" to which he whispered his profuse apology, his hand rubbing the back of his head.
Sima Zhao was truly an idiot, Xingcai thought. Much more deserving of the title of 'fool' than Liu Shan ever did. Glancing at the emperor, his dark expression surprised her. Xingcai followed his gaze to Sima Zhao, who was continuing to apologise to Wang Yuanji. It was as if he was studying Sima Zhao, his eyes taking in every little detail. Liu Shan noticed something, Xingcai realized, but whatever he noticed she could not detect. She will have to ask him later, assuming she had the confidence to talk to him after yesterday's incident.
When the servant came back with a different present and Liu Shan was presented a set of the finest robes in Jin colours, Liu Shan approved of this gift, his expression relaxing back into a gentle smile. The party commenced shortly afterwards, music playing and servants canvassed the room with food on silver platters and for a moment, all in the room seemed to have forgotten the Jin lord's mistake. While she was perusing the banquet table, she felt Liu Shan tap her on the shoulder three times. A signal they had made long ago, a secret message to be used in the utmost discretion. Follow me. Liu Shan shortly afterwards made an excuse to settle his stomach for a bit to the nobles he was chatting to and Xingcai obligingly followed him outside. He led her through the corridors, past the bodyguards, and entered a random room. It was empty, there was no one here, and the echoes of the music made overhearing the two difficult at best. It was almost like Liu Shan was used to secret rendezvous like this, Xingcai thought.
"What do you think of Sima Zhao?" His voice was calm but his expression was solemn.
"Certainly nothing like the rumours. If he is trying to gain the loyalty of Shu then he is doing a poor job about it. Either he is a fool or he is playing a very complicated game."
"He was quick to take that dress off of me. I find that strange."
Xingcai tilted her head. "How so, my lord?"
"That means he knew what was in that present. Maybe he did not intend to give it to me like he claims but he knew he had two presents with two different items inside. And I don't know if you noticed but that dress was far too long." Liu Shan surmised. "If I didn't know better I would have sworn it was made for a man."
Xingcai was poker faced. It sounded ridiculous to think someone specifically made a dress for a man. "Do you really believe lord Sima Zhao made that dress just to intimidate you? So he was feigning surprise earlier?"
"Well I certainly don't believe you would gift someone such an ugly dress unless you intend to make a message. The question remains if I am the intended recipient or if someone else is. There is no way for either of us to know if his surprise was genuine or not."
Xingcai nodded. That certainly was the most logical answer. "So you are saying be careful around him?"
Liu Shan smiled sincerely. "I don't need to remind you to stay safe but just in case, keep an eye out. There's something…off about him."
Liu Shan had made claims about his concerns about a person before but never so quickly. Something about Sima Zhao left an impression on him. It clearly bothered him. And if he had his concerns then she as his bodyguard must put his mind at ease. "I will be careful around him for your sake. But we should get back to the party, Liu Shan."
Liu Shan chuckled.
Xingcai's eyebrows furrowed. "What is so funny, my lord?"
"I am surprised, that is all." Liu Shan snickered. "I did not think you actually would call me by my name."
Too late Xingcai realized her error. She crossed her arms protectively over her chest. "Y-you said you preferred to be addressed that way. I am only following your wishes."
"Maybe, but I never said you HAD to. It was not an order."
It was true he did not order her to call him by his name. And if he were anyone but the emperor she would address him by his name. Truth be told she too liked the ring of his name, and she liked the feeling she felt when she said it. Liu Shan's face lit up like fireworks when she said his name, the smile he wore right now was incandescent. A thought goes into her head and a devious smile appeared across her face.
"Let's go back inside, Liu Shan." She teased.
Perhaps it was her imagination but it appeared as though Liu Shan's smile widened just a touch.
Since their departure, the party had become lively, no doubt in part due to the guests presence. Already the wine was overflowing and some were starting to suffer the effects of inebriation. People laughed and chatted and ate and yet despite all this there was a clear segregation of two groups: one belonging to Shu and one belonging to Jin. Only Sima Zhao and Wang Yuanji dared to interact with their Shu hosts, he speaking freely and with little restraint as he made joke after joke whilst Wang Yuanji beside him said nothing, giggling into her hand every now and then. The pale advisor known as Jia Chong stood at the edge of the room away from sight, nursing a cup of wine in his hand. His eyes caught Xingcai's and a sinister smirk arose as he rose his cup in a toast. Xingcai quickly turned her head away, repressing a shudder.
She followed Liu Shan as they began to weave their way through the crowd, Liu Shan slowly making his way to Sima Zhao and Wang Yuanji towards the center of the throne room. As they squeezed themselves through some partygoers their hands touch for the briefest of moments. White hot sparks shot up her arm, fading when his hand drifted away from her. It jumpstarted her heart, accelerating her pulse. What was this feeling?
"Lord Sima Zhao, Lady Wang Yuanji, I hope you are enjoying yourself thus far." Liu Shan crossed his arms behind himself.
Xingcai looked at his hands behind his back. She refrained herself from reaching out and touching his hand again, just to see if she would feel those sparks again. The feeling, however brief, was as intoxicating as the strongest wine.
Sima Zhao raised his glass to the pair. "Lord Liu Shan! Nice party you have here. I am a bit surprised though." He placed his hand on top of his head and then hovered it above Liu Shan. His hand was well above Liu Shan's crown. "You seemed an awful lot bigger when you were sitting down earlier. Look at you. You're so tiny..."
A few of the onlookers had begun to giggle amongst themselves. Liu Shan slowly grabbed Sima Zhao's hand and pushed it down, far far away from his head. "Y-yes, well…I guess one perk of being the emperor is that hats tend to give the illusion you are taller, huh."
"Never thought of it like that. Though it's nothing like my father's hats. I'm pretty sure they're as big as both our heads combined." He laughed. "Then again, knowing my father, the man is used to overcompensating."
Wang Yuanji elbowed him in the gut, eliciting a groan of pain from Sima Zhao. "That is rude, my lord. Please consider your words more carefully." She sighed as she turned to Liu Shan and Xingcai, ignoring Sima Zhao's whimpers. "I apologise for Lord Sima Zhao's behaviour. He seems to be of the opinion he can do or say anything he wants without repercussion."
"Oh, do not worry, it's fine." Xingcai turned to Liu Shan knowingly. "He is not the only man who behaves in such a way."
Liu Shan paled. "I-I am working on it. Honestly."
Sima Zhao rubbed the back of his head, his gaze still on Wang Yuanji. It was as if he had never been elbowed in the stomach before. "That's women for you, Lord Liu Shan. Always something to nitpick about."
"Only because men like you rarely listen, my lord." Wang Yuanji's expression softened slightly. "I only 'nitpick', as you so call it, because I know you are more capable than most. I do worry about you, you know."
For a split second, the corner of Sima Zhao's lips turned up. "Yeah, yeah. I know, Yuanji."
The servants retreated when the guests had had their fill of food and soon the music reached its sonorous peak. A few guests had begun to dance and make the way to the centre of the floor which had quickly become an improvised dance space. The four of them awkwardly sidestepped out of the way so that the dancers had their space. Xingcai glanced quickly towards the corner of the room where she last saw Jia Chong. The strategist may have already disappeared but the cutting look in his eyes still burned into her memory.
Sima Zhao said, "So anyway, I was curious about this for a while but…" He pointed at the pair. "You and lord Liu Shan are together, right?"
"No!" Liu Shan and Xingcai said simultaneously. The two of them turned to each other and immediately Xingcai could feel her face flush under his gaze. They did not really look like a couple. Did they?
"W-we're not like that at all." Xingcai said, desperately trying to hide her shame and embarrassment. "We're just friends. A-and I work for him. I-is that not right, my lord?"
"R-right!" He exclaimed too loudly. "Xingcai—I mean, lady Zhang Xingcai—she is my bodyguard and retainer and a dear friend of mine but we're certainly not that close."
Even though she expected Liu Shan to confirm they were only friends Xingcai still felt disappointed. They were just friends, she reaffirmed to herself, but she was already getting far too comfortable with the potential of being closer to Liu Shan. She should not be so hung up over Liu Shan; she only just recently accepted that she was falling for him. Still his words hurt regardless.
Suddenly the sound of a yawn cuts through the air and Xingcai turned to the source. Sima Zhao, hand barely covering his yawning mouth, blinked several times. "Sorry about that," he tried to hide the second yawn but failed. "Your party is great and all but I think I am already getting tired. Would you happen to know where our rooms are?"
Wang Yuanji's brows drew together. "But you already had a nap in the carriage not even an hour ago."
"Travel tires a man. And I'm a man who needs his beauty sleep."
"I thought beauty sleep was for women only." Wang Yuanji added.
Sima Zhao scoffed playfully. "Clearly you haven't seen my face in the early morning then."
Liu Shan's polite smile returned, interjecting between the couple's banter. "I would be happy to get someone to guide you to your rooms but I am curious. I was sure the servants would have told you where you were staying here, did they not?"
"They did, they did, it's just those instructions were complicated." Sima Zhao gestured to the palace. "I mean, look at this place! This place is far bigger than the palace back home. I already had trouble finding the throne room. I'm gonna get myself lost if I don't have a guide."
"My lord, you probably should not have told them you got lost." Wang Yuanji added.
"Oh come on, you got lost too, Yuanji. Remember earlier? Just now when we were making our way here and I asked you where we had to go when I got lost, you too were clueless. Jia Chong had to tell us to follow the carpet to get here."
Wang Yuanji went scarlet. "It…it was not like that." She said more to herself than to anyone else.
"Either way, it would be awful nice if you could get someone to guide us to our quarters. I'm in due need for a mattress, some shade and a nap." Sima Zhao stretched his arms lazily behind his head.
A strange look flashed in Liu Shan's eyes, too quick for Xingcai to decipher its meaning. "Well if you really need some rest I suppose it would be quicker for me to take you there myself." Liu Shan said.
Wang Yuanji's eyes widened. "You would not mind? I apologise if we are inconveniencing you right now."
"It is fine, it is fine." Liu Shan handwaved. "I will be more than glad to help. Besides which, I think the party can handle itself, don't you think, Xingcai?"
All around them people were dancing and gliding across the floor, their worries elsewhere and far away. Some people by the sidelines chatted merrily to their loved ones, a cup of wine clutched in their grip, excitement and glee in their every expression. Liu Shan's eyes gleamed in the light and yet she saw a slight weariness in his expression. Liu Shan, it seemed, was tired of the party. "If we must leave, we shall. There will be plenty of other parties in the future after all." Xingcai smiled.
Wang Yuanji bowed. "Then we thank you for your kindness."
"Likewise," chimed Sima Zhao in a mock salute.
Exiting the throne room, the four navigated their way to the Eastern block. Most guests who visited the palace were located here for their stay partly because of the spectacular views of the palace from their rooms and partly because the Eastern block was as far away from the inner sanctum as possible. The palace was designed like a maze, all of the records and important materials being held in the twisting hallways of the inner sanctum, and though there was a shortcut, Xingcai made sure to gently guide Liu Shan away from the inner sanctum and through the longer, more scenic path through the hallways. As they walked, Liu Shan gave a brief tour guide of the various rooms and gardens that they passed, giving his own commentary as they went. Wang Yuanji was interested in the stories behind some of the more famous rooms of the palace but Sima Zhao was far more content in enjoying the view. Xingcai herself had heard the stories all too many times before but she still listened to Liu Shan talk. The passion in his voice gave the stories a celestial quality to them, ascending the mundane to heavenly heights.
Her hands hovered by Liu Shan's when they walked, always close by but never touching, and for far too long she was looking at them. If she were to touch his hand or grab it, perhaps she will feel the same sparks she felt earlier. She could just pretend to have tripped or accidentally bumped into him, something, anything at all to elicit contact. But alas, she could not bring herself to do such a selfish thing. Her insecurity of being caught by the Jin couple behind her prevented her from making her move. For once, Xingcai wanted to be alone with Liu Shan.
As they exited the hallways and passed through the gardens, Liu Shan quieted and Wang Yuanji and Sima Zhao began to talk to themselves. Trivial things they talked about, inconsequential, and yet despite this they were nevertheless absorbed in each other's words. The couple had quickly retreated into their own world. When Liu Shan attempt to tell another story, he had found that neither of the two seemed to react to his words. Xingcai thought this was the best opportunity to speak to him.
"I never got to ask how you have been, my lord. You must be tired after yesterday. Guan Ping told me that you were working quite hard with Jiang Wei and Guan Xing. And to think instead of resting you tried to do so much for me afterwards…"
"If I am being perfectly honest, Xingcai, I thought I would be tired after yesterday but…I'm not. I actually feel quite alright." Liu Shan said.
"That is surely a miracle." Xingcai commented. "Just imagining all the work you must have done, I would have been tired myself."
"Oh I doubt it. I am sure you could handle it far better than I ever could." Liu Shan smiled knowingly. "You are so much more capable than I am."
With the heat rising in her cheeks, Xingcai found it hard to argue back at her lord. "It still does not explain your quick recovery."
"I guess I slept quite well. A first time for everything I suppose."
As they walk the four of them walked past a large peach tree, planted there long ago by Liu Bei, Guan Yu, and Zhang Fei. He stared at the tree for a while before wrenching his head away. His smile slowly faded. "I must admit sleep is difficult for me. So many nights I am tossing and turning. I often end up waking in the middle of the night."
"But you nap so often, my lord. So many times in the past you would fall asleep in the middle of the day at the drop of a pin."
"Napping is easy because in the afternoon it is easy to lose yourself in your dreams. At night it is difficult to stop thinking. You think about how your day went and what went good and what went wrong and it makes you restless. Sleep eludes you." Liu Shan tried to hide a tired sigh and failed. "I must have been really tired to have just fallen asleep as I did."
Xingcai knew well how difficult it could be to sleep. Her mind had a penchant for recalling the horrors of battle while she laid herself down to sleep. The only truly peaceful sleep she's had was when she was in Liu Shan's arms back at Huiling. Looking at him now, she could just see faint dark circles under his eyes. Perhaps they both shared a fate of restless nights. "Sleep is elusive like that."
The four had exited the gardens and were now a short distance away from the Eastern block. Sima Zhao had stopped chatting with Wang Yuanji momentarily to tell Liu Shan where his room supposedly was before resuming his conversation with her. Xingcai could not understand the context of what they were talking about but catching a glimpse of their faces, their expressions were radiant. She found herself feeling envious for Wang Yuanji. Clearly her feelings for her lord were more than just friendly, and whatever those feelings were they were being reciprocated. To be in love so effortlessly. If only Xingcai had that luxury.
"About yesterday, Xingcai." Liu Shan said. "Were you serious about no longer needing my help with…you know what?"
Xingcai pouted. He was talking about the lessons. Trying not to let Sima Zhao or Wang Yuanji hear, she lowered her voice slightly. "I-I'm sorry about what I said. I was just so frustrated and I was worried I was relying on you too much." She rubbed her arms nervously. "If you do not wish to teach me any further that would be fine. You have done more than enough."
"Xingcai, you know I am more than happy to teach you. But I only will if you still want me to. I too don't want to burden you any more than I have to."
Xingcai sighed sadly. What fortune did she receive to earn such a kind lord? "Very well then. Would you be able to do a lesson today?"
Liu Shan's brows furrowed in thought. "Ordinarily I should be able to but since we have guests I might be asked to entertain them intermittently throughout the rest of the week. I probably only have time for our usual training today but after that I shall be busy."
"You will be alright for training then?"
Liu Shan nodded as he covered his yawn with his mouth. "Yeah." He replied. "I've got energy to spare."
As they passed by a window, light streaked onto Liu Shan's face, highlighting his drowsy expression. Xingcai couldn't help but feel worried. Whether it was for her sake or his own, Liu Shan was pushing himself harder but perhaps he might be pushing himself too hard, pushing his body to do things that he had never done before until only a few weeks ago—yesterday's gesture for her was a prime example of this. She knew her own limits and what her body was capable of but Liu Shan had yet to learn himself. And maybe, like his father before him, he had the capacity to burn out without even realizing it.
"You should rest, Lord Liu Shan." Xingcai said. "Perhaps you too should take a nap today."
Liu Shan sighed as if conflicted with what to do. "I shouldn't. You've been telling me off before for napping instead of doing my duties and it's not right to you or to anyone else who has to take over my responsibilities. I will rest when I have earned it."
Xingcai frowned. She could not fault his logic but her heart knew that he was not alright. "I know what I said in the past and I am grateful that youa re listening to me but this is different. Before, you would feign tiredness and make the most foolish excuses but for once in your life your fatigue is genuine and I…" She hesitated. Saying more might make all the feelings bubbling in her core come spilling out.
"Xingcai…" His eyes widened and yet his voice was soft. "If you're really that worried then…"
Liu Shan never got to finish his sentence as they suddenly found themselves beside the two guest rooms, their conversation lost to the wind. They watched as Sima Zhao eagerly slid open the door to inspect his room, looking to see what amenities he had at his disposal before giving a quick goodbye and closing the door. Wang Yuanji on the other hand merely peered into her room, observing her new surroundings for a moment before closing the door. She did not set even a foot inside.
"You are not going to stay in your room?" Liu Shan asked.
Wang Yuanji shook her head. "Unlike my lord, I do not have any desire to nap at this time of the day. I will just wander around a bit."
"Then I suggest taking my bodyguard with you. I wouldn't want any harm to come by you. At the very least, you will not be lost."
Xingcai turned to Liu Shan. "What about you, my lord?"
"I will take your advice and rest. If you are worried for my health then I should heed your advice."
"Alone?" Xingcai frowned.
Liu Shan gave a reassuring smile, putting a hand on her shoulder. "If I plan on going anywhere else today, I will call Jiang Wei or Guan Ping to accompany me. Do not worry about me. Take care of Lady Wang Yuanji for me."
Before he left, Xingcai had caught Liu Shan's gaze. The hints of a grin tugged on his lips and Xingcai was barely able to suppress a smile of her own. He walked away with the grace and majesty expected of a king who held the weight of the world on his shoulders.
If she was being completely honest, Xingcai was not entirely happy Liu Shan had roped her to accompany Wang Yuanji but she suppose this was an 'order', however indirect the order was given. Besides which, there was not much she could do anyway besides train. Liu Shan was no doubt heading to his private gardens or to his palacial suite to rest. An image of him peacefully napping by the usual tree in the garden, shaded by the leaves above, widened her smile.
"He truly is mysterious, your lord." Wang Yuanji commented.
Xingcai did not visibly react, afraid that Wang Yuanji was trying to rile an emotion out of her now that the two women were alone.
Wang Yuanji continued, "I never thought I would see someone so similar to my lord and yet so fundamentally different all the same. It's as if they are two lost souls, brothers in another life who had returned into the bodies of strangers."
Xingcai watched Liu Shan's back disappear into the distance. She remembered all those scars he had on him, still healing with time. She remembered the pain he hid behind his smiles. "Perhaps," Xingcai replied, "but nobody knows Lord Liu Shan better than I do."
Wang Yuanji declared her intent to chat to Xingcai privately so Xingcai decided the best place to talk was inside the pavilion in the old courtyard. It was the oldest pavilion and many legends had stated that back when Chengdu was originally built, this very pavilion was a watchpoint built for the detection of invaders and raiders. When the palace expanded, its original purpose was lost but had found sentimental value with the emperor of that time, who had decided to keep it. Whether the story was true or not, it was certainly not well maintained. Much of the wood was threatening to splinter or break under its own weight, parts of the roof were beginning to cave in on itself, and whatever was not broken was suffering the effects of rot. Before, people might have been wary of going inside it for fear of upsetting the old spirits who gave their life to build and protect this palace. Nowadays people did not go for fear it would fall apart if they were to step foot inside. For Xingcai's purposes, however, it was the perfect spot to talk away from everybody, only beaten in privacy by the storage room Liu Shan taught his courting lessons to her.
Briefly she wondered if Liu Shan truly heeded her words and rested. Liu Shan in his serene countenance was always saying he was tired but this was the first time he looked so physically drained. Even when they trained rarely did he put enough effort to make him genuinely tired. This was different, Xingcai mused, and she hoped she convinced Liu Shan to take better care of himself, at least for today.
Standing on the opposite side of the pavilion cautiously watching a piece of wood creak under the weight of her hand stood Wang Yuanji. She was already hesitant to enter the shambled structure. From the look of anxiety on her face, she looked as though she already regretted entering the pavilion. It was quickly apparent that the Wang Yuanji separate from Sima Zhao was a different person altogether from the one who stood by his side. When the two chatted both at the party and on the way to the rooms, she would smile and laugh warmly. In front of Xingcai she was like a doll, her mood unreadable and her eyes vacant, searching the world around her.
When Wang Yuanji finally turned to talk to Xingcai, her words were careful. Considered. "You are close to Lord Liu Shan."
Xingcai maintained an air of indifference despite the feelings of jealousy growing in the pit of her stomach. "It does not matter how close I am to him or not. My duty first and foremost is to the kingdom."
"That sounds like an excuse someone makes to hide themselves from the truth." Wang Yuanji remarked.
It probably was an excuse if she was being honest. If Xingcai had to choose between him and the kingdom, she would always choose to be by his side. Wang Yuanji was quick to see that her line of inquiry was not going to be answered. She quickly changed the subject to Xingcai's relief.
"May I ask you something then?"
"What do you want to know?" Xingcai asked.
"How are you able to get Lord Liu Shan to listen to you?"
Xingcai's eyebrows creased. "I'm sorry?"
"I'm sorry if I was prying but…I overheard some of your conversation. You told him he needed to go and rest and he obeyed you. Despite the fact you are woman and despite the fact he is your superior, he listened to you. Most men after a certain rank don't tend to listen to people."
Xingcai stared at her hands. They have clasped together when she was not paying attention. She imagined Liu Shan's powerful hands entwined in her own and it gave her strength. "My lord is not 'most men'. He is young for an emperor and he still has much to learn and it might be because of that that he is so eager to learn. He was not always like this however. I remember when he would skip out on his duties and be leisurely but I think now he has slowly begun to realize that the people by his side are here to help him and guide him, and that he must be strong to lead his people." A small smile appeared. "I work hard to help him. I am glad he is finally starting to see his potential."
"But if he was so prone to being 'leisurely' then how did you get him to work?" Wang Yuanji asked, leaning towards Xingcai eagerly.
Xingcai chuckled lightly. "You sound as though you are only hearing my story to help your means."
Wang Yuanji blushed. "I…may have a similar dilemma to what you had faced in the past, I must admit."
"Is it Lord Sima Zhao?"
Wang Yuanji crossed her arms, nodding slowly but saying nothing. It was too embarrassing for her to admit out loud.
Xingcai smiled to herself. "You question how close I am to my lord but I reckon the relationship between you and Lord Sima Zhao is far closer than you want me to believe." Xingcai approached Wang Yuanji. "You and your lord are romantically involved."
Wang Yuanji leaned over the rotting wood into the small pond beneath her. Fish swam effortless through the current, their colours of orange and gold striking against the black pond. Her face was serene. "If you must know the two of us are betrothed. Lord Sima Zhao is my fiancé."
"You are to marry Sima Zhao?" Was this something Xingcai should know?
"It is not like it is a guarded secret. Rumours will spread and everyone will know we will be wed in a few months time. In fact I bet right at this moment, my father and his mother are already going through all the wedding arrangements." Wang Yuanji sighed as she stared into the water. "There is little point in hiding my betrothal."
If Wang Yuanji's marriage to Sima Zhao was as big news as she made it sound, it only made Xingcai worry about her own imminent marriage. Was she also now famous for being an eligible woman to marry? Was this all that she was famous for now? It seemed a sad fate to just be known for your association to someone.
"Now you see why I ask you about your lord, Lady Zhang? If I must be Lord Sima Zhao's wife, it is imperative now more than ever that I should guide him into becoming more serious." She squirmed slightly. "I-I will not be bothered if you choose not to help me. I guess I just needed someone to talk to."
If there was anything Wang Yuanji and Sima Zhao had in common it was the fact that neither of them were particularly good at hiding their intentions. Xingcai leaned on the railing beside Wang Yuanji. "So you want me to tell you how to discipline your lord?"
Wang Yuanji nodded. "That would be helpful."
Xingcai pivoted so that one arm rested on the railing while the other was on her hip. "Then you must understand that men like them have been pampered all their life and they thrive on whatever attention they get. You have to be firm, strict, and unrelenting. He must know that you will punish him for not obeying and that you will not relent to his demands."
Xingcai thought of Liu Shan over the years. How unwilling he was to listen to her and how careless his actions had been. The smile that he showed her now, bright and earnest, was unlike any she showed others. Xingcai's expressions softened.
"At the same time however, you must be compassionate and caring." Xingcai spoke softly, afraid of being overheard despite knowing there was no one else around. "Being harsh will get him to obey you but it will not make him act for himself. Praising him when he has done well, supporting him when he has not, always being by his side through thick and thin, that is what changes a man. You have to show him how much you care. If he has any affection for you, he will change for you and maybe you too will change along your journey together. Sometimes you have to change yourself in order to change someone else."
Xingcai was no stranger to the meaning behind what she had said, she just did not understand fully until she had stopped speaking. Liu Shan had changed for her. It was a simple statement but one that she had never truly acknowledged until at this very moment. For so long she knew Liu Shan had admired her—he made no opportunity to hide it—and yet it was now that she understood that what Liu Shan was far more than just admiration. Was it love? Were the feelings she had only just discovered in herself somewhere deep inside him? The answer was still unclear but it brought Xingcai hope, for both a prosperous marriage and for a brighter future. Xingcai smiled to herself, shaking her head with a small laugh. Only Liu Shan could elicit such an emotion from her.
Wang Yuanji pondered beside her, looking into the waters below her. While staring, she uttered, "Thank you."
Xingcai turned to Wang Yuanji, still smiling. "Why are you thanking me?"
"Your advice is quite helpful, it has given me a lot to think about. So much in fact that I think I must go and ponder on your words, perhaps explore the palace a bit too."
"Do you wish for me to accompany you?"
"No, I think I will be fine on my own." Turning her head back down to the pond below, avoiding eye contact, Wang Yuanji added. "It's…best if I go by myself.
Xingcai nodded. These things needed to be considered alone. "Tread carefully then. Take care not to get lost."
"I will, thank you." Wang Yuanji bowed politely.
As Wang Yuanji exited the pavilion, she stopped to gaze at the pond. Her hand went to gently pick a lily flower by the shore, still blooming, and held it close to her chest. From the pavilion where Xingcai stood, her body leaning on the deteriorating railing, Wang Yuanji was every bit as picturesque and composed as a noblewoman could be, reminding Xingcai that this was the woman she wanted to be when she was younger. So much of Wang Yuanji reminded Xingcai of her sister. Perhaps their lords were not the only lost souls that were related to each other.
Whenever Xingcai felt particularly energetic, she went to the practice grounds and trained. Training was her release and with everything she had been doing as of late, she had been missing out on her own personal training. Maybe now she could finally get a good sweat in and work on her problem areas, give her some alone time to consider her true feelings for her lord. This training session however only brought to the surface the feeling that Xingcai was powerless. With every punch and kick she unleashed an explosion of power. With every labored breath she took she succumbed herself to ennui.
Her problem areas when it came to combat, she knew since childhood, were always speed and stamina—in other words, the complete opposite to Liu Shan's problems. The irony was not lost on her and she suppose that was why she was initially chosen to train Liu Shan but it also meant that she had less time to work on her own struggles. Xingcai was fast but there were men who were faster—Liu Shan included. Her every action had to be carefully managed to avoid long confrontations and yet there were many soldiers who could swing their sword around haphazardly without breaking a sweat. Hard work and dedication got her to improve her weak points but never before did she feel so weak. She needed to be faster, stronger, better.
She trained for a long time and when she stopped to take a break, Xingcai was still not satisfied. Her body ached and doing more will make her sluggish tomorrow but she needed to do more. In her mind she saw Liu Shan holding his rapier, training in secrecy in the gardens. The image metamorphosed to her sister's tomb and the controlled rage in his moves as he cut down man after man.
Walking over to a training dummy, sword in hand, she sized up her opponent. It was straw, crudely made but relatively sturdy. Numerous cuts and stab wounds littered the dummy but the dummy did not lose shape. It was well made to have lasted so long under Xingcai's sword. A pity that by the end of this session that this training dummy will be ruined by her hand.
She started with the basics: 7 cuts through the main angles and one thrust, she practiced these in a cycle. With every round, she changed her footwork or switched hands—Xingcai knew the best swordsman could fight from any position. With each cycle, she tried to speed herself up, a little stronger, a little faster. Her arms were already starting to burn after the fourth cycle and she could feel herself slowing down but she had to push on, she could not will herself to stop. Taking a break now means she was too weak. And for her lord, the lord that might possibly like her, for him to see she might be weak…
"Urgh!" Xingcai dropped her sword in frustration, her face scrunched up and her fists balled up. She had only gone halfway through the sixth cycle. What was wrong with her? She could do so much better than this before.
"Need some help?" Guan Ping leaned on a pillar from the corner of her eye.
Xingcai willed herself to unfurl her fists. She should not show Guan Ping any more frustration. Forcing a calm voice, Xingcai said, "If you don't mind," She gestured at a rack of wooden swords.
"The usual spar?"
"Why not? Just give me a few minutes while I rest. I wouldn't want to be at an unfair disadvantage."
Guan Ping laughed. "You say that as though you're not better than me, Xingcai."
Guan Ping slowly walked up to the weapons rack, his hands stroking an imaginary beard as he perused the selection. Xingcai used her break to grab her water canteen and take a drink. When she stopped to take a breath, half of the contents were already gone. Xingcai frowned. It was never a good sign for her to drink so much so quickly.
"Hey, should I get the usual sword or should I try something different?"
Xingcai peered over her shoulder to see Guan Ping observing two different swords in his hands. On one hand was a typical practice Jian sword. Though worn from use Guan Ping was certainly more familiar with using it, even if it was a bit too light for his strength. In his other hand he held a double-handed Jian. It was of a darker colour—possibly a harder wood like oak though Xingcai could not tell from this distance—and clearly of a better quality. Most likely it was another general's personalized practice sword but by chance he had left it behind because Xingcai could not foresee anyone leaving behind such a precious weapon. It was definitely heavier and slower, but it was more akin to a great sword, of which Guan Ping was second to none when wielding.
Xingcai could not decide for him though. Either way, he was going to lose. "Just choose whichever you prefer."
Guan Ping looked at the two swords, shrugged, and then placed the double-handed sword back. When Xingcai questioned him about the choice, he cryptically replied, "Against you, power is a fruitless endeavor." He raised his weapon towards Xingcai. "Ready when you are."
Xingcai got herself into a fighting position, her footwork meticulously placed and her sword firm yet relaxed in her grip. Her arms still ached from her previous training but she willed herself to ignore the pain. "Ready." Xingcai replied.
Guan Ping grinned eagerly as his feet slid into position underneath him, creating a small cloud of dust. Xingcai blinked and his smile was gone, replaced with intense concentration. His relaxed stance was not firm, his eyes merciless. The battle had begun.
The two walked in a circle, staring the opponent down, their gaze unwavering. The first strike, the childhood friends knew, dictated the outcome of the battle. She could feel Guan Ping's eyes bore into her, searching for something, a flash, a signal, a sign, but Xingcai betrayed no emotion. Guan Ping on the other hand was predictable. From her experience, he always initiated the attack.
Xingcai saw Guan Ping's hand twitch before he suddenly lunged at Xingcai with an overhead cut. She easily sidestepped the attack and countered with a jab to his left side. Guan Ping was barely able to block it.
"Hey!" Guan Ping exclaimed in surprise.
"Don't make this too easy for me, Guan Ping." Xingcai quipped.
Guan Ping grunted. Quickly he closed the distance, his sword cutting left, right, left. Xingcai blocked all three with ease, parrying the third with a riposte. Guan Ping sidestepped and returned with a slash but it was wide and Xingcai dodged it, creating some distance between them once more.
"You always make spars look easy, Xingcai."
Xingcai ignored his comment. "You're supposed to psyche your opponent out, not praise them." Xingcai gestured to Guan Ping with her sword. "Come and try again."
Reinvigorated, Guan Ping raced towards her and unleashed a barrage of attacks. Xingcai dodged them, only blocking with her sword when dodging was otherwise impossible. She could telegraph his movements so easily now, as though he was moving in slow motion. Guan Ping was strong yet predictable. Maybe she sparred with him too many times because for the first time in her life she was getting bored of battling him.
Their blades clashed for a brief second, wood against wood, steely gaze upon steely gaze. Xingcai needed to end this quickly so she jumped back, leaving an astonished Guan Ping tripping forward. A quick tap on his back with the pommel of her sword and Guan Ping was on the ground. Xingcai had won.
"Not again," Guan Ping moaned from the ground.
Xingcai stifled a chuckle. "You did fine, Guan Ping." She gave her hand to Guan Ping. He took it and quickly rose to stand. "Just remember to watch your technique a little. It is easy to telegraph you."
"Figures I'd do that again," Guan Ping patted the dust off himself. "Best out of three like usual?"
Xingcai felt no desire to continue on today though whether it was from tiredness or boredom she could not decide. It was as if the will to fight had left her at that moment. "Sorry, Guan Ping. I think I should stop here for today."
"Not feeling up to it?"
"I think I've gotten a bit soft from having to go to all these dates." Xingcai admitted. "Or perhaps I've gotten too used to training with Lord Liu Shan. He's been improving a lot lately."
Guan Ping stared at the sword at his side, as if the wooden object could give him guidance. "Lord Liu Shan is certainly stronger than he'd have us both think."
Sparring with Guan Ping had made her miss the spars she had with Liu Shan, though she would never admit it to Guan Ping's face. Her lord may lack the strength of a soldier but recently he had made up for it with lightning quick reflexes. With each spar, Xingcai was forced to rely more and more on her instincts as a warrior, her own reflexes sharpening with every victory. She would never admit this to anyone but there had been a growing number of close calls where Liu Shan almost won. He was rapidly gaining ground while she remained stagnant. If only she could train more and spar instead of wearing pretty dresses and listen to men talk all day.
"I assume you saw the Jin ambassador, right?" Guan Ping asked curiously. "I hope to the heavens themselves you don't have ANOTHER suitor to worry about. Zhu Ling was plenty to handle already."
Xingcai chuckled cordially. "Fortunately, Lord Sima Zhao seems to be interested in other things."
"Like with what?"
"Would you believe napping?" Xingcai scoffed. "For a son of Sima Yi, he sure is nothing like his father."
"He sounds no better than Lord Liu Shan—" Xingcai glowered at Guan Ping. "—W-was. I meant to say he sounds no better than Lord Liu Shan was in the past. We both know he's gotten better now."
Somewhat satisfied with the answer Xingcai replied, "I will admit there are more than a few passing resemblances between Lord Liu Shan and Lord Sima Zhao. Both are lazy and do whatever they want with a lack of regard for others but my lord has changed. He is maturing into someone ready to lead this nation. I already owed him my gratitude countless times over. Now I owe him my life."
Guan Ping frowned, suddenly uncomfortable with the subject matter. His hands went up to his head, redoing the knot that kept his headband, now imbedded with sweat, on his head.
Xingcai pursed her lips. She did not want to make Guan Ping feel awkward. "I'm sorry if I've been complaining a lot recently, it is rude of me. I've been talking about myself and I did not ask you about yourself. How have you been as of late?"
The corners of Guan Ping's lips turned up, relief flooding into his expression. "Well if you must know, I've had to help organize the new patrol patterns in light of our Jin guests. A lot of them are rookies so they're pretty nervous but they should be fine. I've allocated most of them to maintain the city border and patrolling the town. The veterans and the royal guards should be plenty to guard the palace itself." Guan Ping grinned. "This is only like—what, my third time in charge of security—but I think I'm doing well. If the rest of this week goes by without a fuss I might even get a promotion."
Xingcai smiled. "With you in charge of our security, we are certainly safe from attack. You will be a great role model for the soldiers."
The two of them slowly began to tidy up the area, first putting away the weapons they were holding before together lifting the now-broken training dummy to the side, away from the combat area. Before long the training area was reasonably clean, not that either of them expected anyone to come train here today. Xingcai took a glimpse of Guan Ping fidgeting on the spot, as though suddenly nervous, . Whatever he was thinking of clearly took a lot of concentration. "Xingcai?" Guan Ping asked after a long silence.
"Yes?"
Guan Ping tugged once more at his collar. "I never got to ask because I was afraid this might be not be polite but…what's going to happen if you don't find someone you like before the betrothal party?"
Xingcai gazed to the ground. "It would not be ideal but I will have to pick a suitor regardless. If I am lucky, I can find a way to end the betrothal. If I am bestowed a miracle, maybe I will fall in love with that man."
"Don't say that," Guan Ping murmured. "Maybe that man truly does love you and maybe you do fall for him. You could have everything you have ever wanted."
"I don't know about that. It did not go that well for Lord Liu Shan."
Guan Ping's fist clenched in his hands, the words triggering an explosive reaction in him. "Well surely not everything the emperor does is gospel. He does not know everything there is to this world!" Anger slowly drained into despondency, the creases of his forehead slowly disappearing, leaving behind a sorrowful frown. "He may be the one beneath heaven but he lives in a different world from us. He lives in luxury and decadence, servants take care of his every need and whim. Surely the struggles in such a higher reality are much more different than the ones we suffer."
Xingcai studied Guan Ping and everything in her body wanted her to believe his words but she knew that she couldn't. Some struggles were different but no matter man or animal, emperors or peasants, problems of the heart were universal. There was regret in her lord's voice, echoing in her mind, of a man who felt he betrayed the one person who loved him. If he were anyone else, his pain would not be lessened. Guan Ping wouldn't understand that. As much as he criticized Liu Shan's actions, Xingcai knew Guan Ping respected him far more than he let on, and that meant that he would never see Liu Shan for anything more than he already was.
Xingcai looked down to see that Guan Ping's fist was still clenched. She placed a hand on his arm and almost immediately his grip loosened.
Guan Ping said. "I don't want to see you end up with someone you do not love. I don't want to see you marry into a family you despise."
"I know, Guan Ping. I know."
Guan Ping swatted her hand away, as if her touch pained him. "You say that but even I admit to being nervous. You've made no indication you've found anyone suitable and I get worried, you know? What's going to happen on that day? What will you do?"
"I-I will find someone." Xingcai stammered.
"And what if you don't?"
Xingcai's mouth was agape for what felt like the longest time until she could not hold it any longer, her jaw clenching tight. She had an answer, or at least she thought she had an answer. But…what was she going to do? There was no way Liu Shan would be given the opportunity to marry her, she was a warrior and he was a lord. Her sister at least had the training to become an empress but Xingcai, all she knew was combat. Could she really become the wife of an emperor? Will the ministers even allow him to be at the betrothal party?
"Well, Xingcai?"
Xingcai stared blankly at the barren courtyard. Desolate, lifeless, monotonous, suddenly she was aware of the stillness in the air and the emptiness of the space around her. "If I must marry someone, then it must be someone I trust." Her eyes locked onto Guan Ping's. She hoped this was the right decision. "If I cannot find a suitor to marry then…I will just have to marry a friend."
Guan Ping's eyes slowly widened. "A-are you suggesting…"
Xingcai nodded. "This is a last resort but yes, Guan Ping. If there is no one that takes my interest and I can no longer run away from marriage, I won't be against marrying you."
His hands went up to his face, his body quivered with bewilderment. "I-I don't know what to say, Xingcai. I-I-I mean this is a p-pretty big deal! Are you really sure about this?"
"You have been my friend since childhood and we have experienced many so much together." Xingcai extended her hand to Guan Ping. "This is selfish but I trust no one else more than you. If you will let me, if that time should ever come, will you help me?"
With clammy hands, Guan Ping quickly shook her hand. "I-I-I won't let you down." A nervous smile gleamed in the light. He looked unusually excited considering the news.
"I know this is not ideal, Guan Ping. I know you still have feelings for that girl."
He flinched. "I…really need to tell her, don't I? T-the girl I like, that is."
Xingcai tilted her head. "Perhaps you should do it soon, then. Better to confess your feelings now than wait too long and never get the chance."
Xingcai walked towards the edge of the courtyard where her water canteen stood and took a huge gulp. Her breath shook as she inhaled but willed it to still as she exhaled deeply. It was nerve-wrecking to say what she had earlier said but she was glad she had an emergency plan if things did not go well. A marriage with Guan Ping would probably be no better than Liu Shan's marriage with her sister but at least she could trust Guan Ping enough to care for her and provide for her family. No, it was good. This was a plan she should have implemented a long time ago. Guan Ping was her closest friend and she could trust him to take care of her if that time comes.
As she said her farewells and walked away from the courtyard, she could barely hear Guan Ping mumble "Better than nothing" over and over to himself: a new mantra to guide him in uncertainty.
Xingcai was going the wrong direction. She knew home was the other way and she knew her mother would be worried if she came too late today—normally she would be back by now. And yet Xingcai found herself wandering into the royal gardens, her hair messy and her appearance far from proper and orderly. There was a compulsion in her to walk here and she would like to pretend she knew not the reasons why she has decided to take a stroll through the flora but she knew all too well why. Liu Shan was here. She could sense it, a feeling in her gut that told her he was here. Xingcai had to talk to him. She needed to tell him her feelings now, before the time is up and romance became too complicated.
The gravel underneath crunched with every step yet the flowers framing the path paid it no heed, swaying to the wind's silent song. Birds chirped quietly above as they made their way home. Xingcai continued through the path one slow step at a time, her thoughts going through every possible wrong outcome that she could make but she reminded herself over and over that it would go alright. She already had made a plan on what to do, what to say, what to expect. Everything should be fine.
It was from talking to Wang Yuanji and Guan Ping that told her that what she felt should not be a secret. Even if it was fleeting, even if the two of them were not meant to be, she could not keep her feelings bottled up and wait like a damsel in distress for Liu Shan to make a move. She will confess, as nonchalantly as possible, and Xingcai can move on with life. She was almost certain he will say no but at least she will come clean and for once in these chaotic few weeks, life could become easier. Confessing should make it easy. There was no other way.
She found her emperor asleep under the shade of a tall tree at the centre of the gardens, just as she suspected. He lied asleep, back propped up by the tree, a hand on the grass below and the other over his chest. Her eyes were fixated on the rise and fall of his chest, up and then down. His crown was by his hip, leaving the loose and messy bun Xingcai had become rather fond of visible once more. Sound asleep, Liu Shan's face was serene. Peaceful.
Xingcai giggled quietly as strands of his hair embedded themselves on his upper lip, giving the emperor the appearance of a pencil thin moustache. She knelt down beside him, stifling another giggle as she gently guided the strands back to their natural place, taking care not to actually touch his skin. Making physical contact, she thought, would surely wake him. It did not however stop her from playing with his hair lightly, the ebony strands twirling around her finger before releasing like a spring. Her finger glided under the strands, pulling them away from his face and releasing, gently cascading down at its own leisurely pace. His hair was soft and it fueled her guilty pleasure in playing with it.
When she tired herself of playing with the strands of hair in front of Liu Shan's face she turned her attention to the bun on top of his head. Come to think of it, she never saw his hair down. It was not like it was improper, Liu Shan could wear other hats that would allow him to wear his hair down and yet he chose not to for some reason. She could see the red hair tie he wore, loose and barely keeping his hair together, just a small tug away from seeing the emperor's hair in its splendor. It tempted her, teased her, but Xingcai made no attempt to undo it. How was she to explain herself if he woke up?
"You probably would look good with your hair down." Xingcai whispered.
The sleeping Liu Shan did not respond.
With a sigh, she leaned back on the tree herself, head turned skywards, watching the light dance through the leaves above. She could see why Liu Shan liked to nap here. Nobody really came here. It was quiet, solitary, and the shade blocked out the sun from your eyes. Here was a place you could rest undisturbed but for her, it was Liu Shan's presence that was the true calming influence in these idyllic gardens. With him by her side, she too could feel the draw of sleep here.
But Xingcai stayed awake and waited for her lord to stir, distracting herself with the falling leaves floating in the air. As she watched the world in front of her she grew faintly aware of a pressure on her shoulder. Liu Shan laid his head on her shoulder, his breath faint but warm, his expression dreamlike if squished slightly due to the angle his head had taken. This was already a breach of conduct, allowing her lord to sleep so intimately close to her—not that she'd already broken that rule a couple of days ago—but this was public. Anyone could come here. Xingcai would not deny there was something rather nice about having her lord so close, the warmth he generated was always welcome. His hand on the grass, between their bodies, was prone and so very close. Her hand tentatively reached for his and she was met with such gratifying electricity, a current so strong it shot up her arm before going down her spine and fading deep in her stomach. A small smile crept up on Xingcai's face. Perhaps it would be better to just pretend she did not notice him at all.
A moment later, Liu Shan shifted suddenly in his slumber, his head violently moving left and right in an effort to rouse himself from his sleep. He blinked groggily as he lifted his head off Xingcai's shoulder.
Xingcai retracted her hand with a jolt. "My lord! You are awake." Xingcai tried to hide the disappointment in her voice.
Liu Shan rubbed the sand from his eyes. "Xingcai…? What time is it?"
"It's afternoon. You've been asleep maybe two hours, possibly three."
Liu Shan nodded weakly. Both of his arms were held over his head and stretched. Two small pops could be heard. "But what are you doing here?"
"I've been waiting for you."
His arms plop down beside him. "Then why are you waiting for me?"
"I needed to talk." She tried to keep her tone as matter-of-fact as she could muster.
Liu Shan shook his head. "No but you never wait for me. When you find me napping, you always wake me up. You've never just…waited for me." Liu Shan bit his lip as a thought entered his head. "Have I kept you waiting very long?"
Xingcai gave a soft reassuring smile. "Only a few minutes. Not long at all." She lied.
Liu Shan nodded as though the answer should have been obvious from the start. "Right. I suppose that makes sense."
A leaf fell on Xingcai's lap and she brushed it aside, leading to Liu Shan to brush his clothes off with his hands albeit in a more hectic pace. When he was done, Liu Shan smiled sheepishly at her. Xingcai giggled. Though it was a short nap he already appeared rejuvenated slightly, his smile more relaxed. Xingcai herself could not help but smile slightly at his bright countenance. There was a charm to his smile unlike any other.
"So is there anything urgent? Am I needed somewhere?" Liu Shan asked.
"Nothing of the sort. I just…found you." Xingcai just hoped she sounded convincing enough.
Liu Shan smirked knowingly. "So it is merely a coincidence that you are here? In the middle of the royal gardens at what must be mid-afternoon, just before training?"
Xingcai paused. When he put it like that, her excuse did not sound very convincing at all. "…I may have been waiting for an opportune time to talk to you privately." Xingcai admitted with a blush. "It's not something I want to talk about in public."
Liu Shan laughed, warm and heartily. "And here I thought someone for once was seeking me out because of my good looks."
Xingcai's blush reddened at the comment. Liu Shan may be critical about his own appearance but the more she looked at him, the more she realized that he was indeed a striking man, if in an unconventional way. Better to confess your feelings now, her own words rung in her head.
Xingcai turned her head away from Liu Shan. "I really do need to talk to you, my lord. It's…not that important, I admit, but I need you to hear it."
"Your brother said something very similar." Liu Shan remarked. "Do go on."
Xingcai shifted uncomfortably. She had words prepared but for the life of her she could not remember what to say. Her throat suddenly felt parched and she gulped in order to relieve her of some of the discomfort. "Are you…going to attend my betrothal party?"
"Me?" He rubbed the back of his head, just a bit to the side of his hair bun. "Surely it would not be good if I was there. I'd take all the attention away from your special day."
"Come now, that will not happen."
"It is not just that, Xingcai. If I were to arrive, people will assume I am there as your suitor. We make no secret that we are on friendly terms with one another; people who do not know better will think I am after your hand in marriage. And I realize it is foolish to listen to what others think of you but I do not want to give that impression." Liu Shan paused before adding, "I won't be surprised if your mother already thinks I am romantically interested in you."
It disheartened Xingcai to hear him say he was not interested, she had hoped that he would be there at least to impart some guidance before she made the biggest decision of her life. "Is the idea of being married to me that repulsive?" She asked, her tone bitter.
Liu Shan's eyes widened, incredulous. "No! No, I—" He sighed, his cheeks burning with shame. "Let me rephrase that. It's not that I don't find marriage with you appealing, it's just…I do not deserve anyone as magnificent as you, Xingcai. You should be married to someone who deserves you."
The cheerful thrill Xingcai felt from his compliment was eclipsed by the mournful self-depreciatory tone in his voice. He was growing more confident, that may be, but sometimes comments like that saddened her. It reminded her that the potential she saw in Liu Shan could be wasted, swallowed by the guilt he had created for himself.
"I assume you have a reason to ask me about the betrothal. Is there something I should know?" Liu Shan asked.
Her head turned to the gardens. The flowers always looked so full of life and yet just like her, they were constrained by their roots. Whatever confidence she had had suddenly left her. "I mentioned yesterday there…might be someone I was interested in."
Liu Shan's face sunk. "I remember." He muttered.
Xingcai raised an eyebrow but continued on despite the doubts growing in her heart. "W-well I was thinking of maybe confessing to him. See where things lead. And so I wanted to ask you, well…" Her hand went up to cover her now burning cheeks. "…What should I do?"
Liu Shan stared at his feet. His face was cold and impassive as he thought. "I'm assuming you must feel strongly about him. He must be someone special to have captured your interest." He turned to her. "What is he like?"
She stared unwaveringly at the flowers ahead of her. If she dared look into his eyes, she was almost certain he would know she was talking about him. "He's different. Or at least, around me he is different. It's like looking at two different souls in one body and one of them emerges for my eyes only. The soul I see—the one only I can see—is cunning, and brave, and kind. When I am around him, I feel happier. More open to my feelings."
"Handsome?"
Xingcai paused. "His appearance wasn't what attracted me to him initially but I suppose you could say he is handsome." She confessed.
"He sounds perfect." Liu Shan remarked dejectedly. Was he…jealous? Xingcai turned to look at Liu Shan staring at the ground. He bit back a jealous flush but his face contorted into his true displeasure regardless. She felt oddly happy for someone who just found out that Liu Shan was capable of jealousy.
"No one is perfect, Lord Liu Shan," Xingcai said. "Every man has faults that they must conquer. It's what you do with your faults that define you as a person. That man has changed himself to conquer his faults. I feel like with him by his side, he can help me conquer my own faults too."
It felt so weird to admit it when she was talking about him and yet it felt so liberating at the same time. This was not the confession she wanted but maybe for today, this was enough. The real confession could be done later. Her chance to confess today was already gone.
"You really like this man." Liu Shan concluded.
Xingcai bashfully moved a hair strand away from her face. "W-what makes you say that?"
"When you talk about him your eyes light up. You talk of a spark and I see it in your eyes. You're always so distant to everybody, so rare to compliment someone and yet you have no doubt, no hesitation in your voice right now."
"But I have complimented you in the past, my lord." She stated.
"I-I don't count, surely." Liu Shan said quickly. "All I am saying is if you are waiting for some true love to sweep you off your feet and take you to the happy marriage you want, this man is it. And if you are thinking of courtship then it is best to do it now, before the betrothal party."
Xingcai nodded slowly. It was an unpleasant truth to hear and only added to the nervousness she felt. "I guess I should." Xingcai said more to herself than to him.
The two sat there watching the world revolve on its axis. The clouds above them shifted in shape, morphing with the wind. They were a reminder to Xingcai of the duality of man, how a cloud can both bring relief to the flowers and chaos with the floods, how mankind could be so kind yet cruel. Liu Shan however was invested in making out shapes in their ever-changing form, trying to get Xingcai to spot what he was describing. It was not difficult to find but provided some entertainment.
After some time, the two of them stood up and walked into the training grounds. The exchange between them was telepathic, wordless. A small nod from Liu Shan was all the confirmation Xingcai needed. It was just as grey and dull as it looked when she left but with Liu Shan around, a bit of life seemed to spill back into it. The two of them grabbed a practice sword each. Liu Shan swung his sword experimentally. Xingcai's training earlier today had already given her plenty a feel for her sword so she instead watched Liu Shan warm up. He, seemingly satisfied with the weapon, approached the centre where she stood waiting.
"So what is it this time?" He asked eagerly. It was hard now to imagine that this was the same man who just weeks earlier would use the most inane excuses to get out of training.
Despite her arms and legs still feeling the fatigue from her earlier spar with Guan Ping, Xingcai couldn't help but feel a little bit excited. Sparring with Liu Shan was always entertaining. "Fortunately for you, we're only doing a few sparring rounds today. Take into account my current fatigue today and this might hopefully even the odds for you."
Liu Shan snorted, "Do not bring my hopes up. You could be missing an arm and leg and you would still win against me." He waved his sword lazily before getting into fighting position. A cocky smile came up on his face. "Shall we dance, my lady?"
Xingcai giggled behind her hand before taking a position of her own. "We shall, Liu Shan. We shall."
In the ensuing skirmishes, their bodies danced around each other, their blades playing with their opponent, teasing their way through whatever opening they had. They would be far, then, in a flash so awfully close. They jump, dodge, and spin with grace, following an unspoken choreography. The battle was no longer a test of strength but a waltz in tune to the rhythm of clashing blades and their own beating hearts, a dance born from sweat and blood. Their blades locked together, faces drawn closer, their cheeks burned with heat and passion. Despite the chaos of battle, Xingcai's eyes stay focused on Liu Shan's and suddenly the world seemed to slow to a crawl. Fire smoked in his irises, the corners of his lips breaking into a smile. She was drawn in, mentally, physically, a small laugh creeping out from deep within her. A part wished she could remained locked in this position with Liu Shan forever, she could look into his mesmerizing eyes forever. Soon she is trapped in her own world, the only other occupant being Liu Shan, smiling broadly at her.
Their blades stay locked in place, the two frozen in their own world. Neither noticed Guan Ping watching in the shadows, a frown forever stricken on his face. The bodyguard and the emperor were drowning in each other's eyes, their bodies gliding around each other for a performance meant just for the two of them.
