A/N: REALITY SAYS I DON'T OWN REGULAR SHOW BUT I COULD DREAM CAN I?…NOPE…DANG IT :(
P.S. Let's see, last chapter we figured out that CJ was the new waitress and that she was dating Fives. Rigby almost ruins their relationship by kissing her and now he's slowly losing Eileen. Wait, does it even matter to Rigby? Well, let's just hope that the beating he received from Muscle Man knocked some sense into him
WARNING: Sensitive subject (suicide) is mentioned in this chapter. If this doesn't bother you, you can now proceed with your designated program...I mean story
Plus, you know that when it's BOLD like this, it's me (the creator) talking, right? Just checking
Captain's Log
Chapter 12:
Something's Missing
Fives POV: Next Day
All I remember from this morning was being awoken by a pair of faint lips on my forehead and a sweet voice calling my name. After that, it was all a blur until I fully woke up and saw that CJ wasn't in her house. Assuming that she went to work, I got myself together and headed back to the park
When I made it back to the trailer, I opened the door to find Muscle Man sitting on the couch, drinking a can of Fizzy Fizz [1]
"Wow, I'm surprised to see you up this early?" I told him as I was about to head to my room
"So, you're just going to walk by your best bro and not fill him in on last night?"
"Everything is fine. Things were said and things got resolved" I said giving him very brief details
"So does this mean that you finally 'sealed the deal' with CJ?" Muscle Man asked me with a devious smile on his face
"Muscle Man, it's too early to be talking about this and plus I have to get myself ready for work so…"
"Ok, you don't need to tell me the details. Just give me back the thing I slipped you last night and I'll leave it alone" I knew exactly what he was talking about and I felt myself growing paler than I already was at the fact that I didn't have it anymore "Come on, Fives. Where is it?" He said holding out his hand ready to receive it
"I-I…Alright, I used it, ok" I said turning from him because I didn't want to see his face when I told him this. I heard his beverage drop to the floor as the room filled with silence
'Oh come on. It's not that big of a deal' I thought as I reached for my bedroom door knob but I stopped when I heard him yell
"OOOHHHH! Fives finally popped it" I felt him pat me on the back suddenly which cause me to falter and almost slam into my bedroom door but I caught myself "I can't wait to tell the others about this"
"Please don't" I said really not in the mood to be discussing this right now. I walked into my room and tried to find the clothes I was going to wear today but Muscle Man followed me and still kept talking about it
"But seriously bro, I'm proud of you. You have official shed from boyhood and you did it right which counts. I'll never forget when Starla and I did it for the first time and we didn't use it. Oh God, that was the most terrifying week of my life…" By this time, I went into the bathroom and shut the door while Muscle Man was still talking through the door. Slowly, I was able to drown him out (and those disturbing images) and I was soon immersed in the sounds of the shower being filled with steam from the hot water pouring into it. While my vision was slowing being clouded, my mind was being flooded with memories of last night
'Funny, I sometimes thought ill of this sort of thing. Thinking that it was some sick rite of passage for guys and a stupid love feast for girls but now…I don't know how I feel about it. Sure, CJ and I did the deed but there was surprisingly no trace of passion from it…sounds crazy, I know. It's hard to explain but what I felt was more of a 'need' than a 'want'…After experiencing losing her yesterday, being around her that moment in time didn't have me wanting her…after she said she needed me and that I could have her, not kissing her made me breathless, not touching her made me feel numb, not having her near me made me feel like I was already buried six feet under…that night, she was the air I breathed. Her being near made me feel alive and that's why I say that passion had nothing to do with what happened last night. Yesterday, both of us were carrying heavy burdens of past rejections and disappointments that by ourselves had no chance of being rid of. However last night, liberation happened; a release that erased any trace of doubt or pain that was lingering. Last night, a need was fulfilled; something deeper than Muscle Man or anyone else could possibly understand'
While the water continued to wash the soap off of my body, I couldn't help but feel a smile creep onto my face and it was a smile that I haven't felt in a while. Sure I put on a smile when I'm happy, relieved, or content but this one was different. It was full of assurance and it felt more…complete
###########
When I got out of the shower, I put my towel around my waist and went over to the sink to brush my teeth. As I was putting the toothpaste on my toothbrush, I couldn't help but hear another voice inside our trailer
"Muscle Man"
"Yes, Benson?"
"It has come to my attention that you had something to do with why Rigby is in the hospital…"
'Oh no'
Mordecai POV: Next Morning
The ride home was awkwardly quiet as I picked up Rigby from the hospital. Normally, he would be complaining up a storm on how uncomfortable the bed was or how bored he was because there wasn't anything good on the television but this time he was silent which was almost scary. It was like he was in a daze the whole entire ride. Even when we got to the park house, he just went straight to our room without a word
Feeling compelled to see about him, I decided to go in and see what was up with him but as soon as I opened the door, you could feel this uninviting aura of gloom and despair. The lights weren't on and the room seemed darker than it normally is in the daytime so I could barely see him on his trampoline; laying on his back motionless
"Uh…Rigby?" I said breaking the silence "Since you just got back from the hospital, Benson is giving you the day off so after I get my chores done, do you want to play video games or something?"
I didn't get a reply, a gesture or anything. I know he wasn't asleep because it wasn't that long since I left him in our room so I walked closer to him and the closer I got to the trampoline, the more the figure I thought was Rigby looked less like him
"Dude, are you ok?" I asked while I shook him a little. That's when I realize that wasn't him. It was just a pile of clothes "Rigby?" I started looking around for him but found no trace of him. I was starting to worry a bit until I tripped over something and fell on the floor
'Uhh, Rigby really needs to clean his side of the room'
I was about to get up until I happened to notice something slightly move under Rigby's trampoline. I reached my hand under it and something flinched and hissed when I came in contact with it
"I don't want to do anything so just go and talk with Margaret or something" It was Rigby alright; sounding irritated as usual
"Dude? What are you doing under the trampoline?" I said about to lift the trampoline up but he grabbed it immediately and prevented me from doing so
"Just get out!"
"Ok, ok jeez" I said getting off the floor and leaving the room. Even though I didn't want to leave him like that because obviously he was going through something in his mind but maybe some alone time will do him some good
So I left the park house and proceeded in doing my chores which started with getting some more sod for the parts of the park that were ruined from the rainstorm a few days ago. Muscle Man was suppose to do it but he was suspended for the rest of the week when Benson found out that he was the one that beat up Rigby two nights ago so now I'm waiting for Fives to get here so we could get started
Eileen POV: A few hours later
I felt my stomach tie in knots as I passed my usual stop. I looked out the window, hoping that seeing people pass by would help relax me but it didn't. It only made me feel worse the closer I got to my destination
'It's only a few blocks back. Maybe I could just press the yellow strip now and-'
'No, CJ is right? You have to confront this now before it eats away at you. You know that he'll find out one way or other and it'll be worse if he figures it out from someone else'
'I know, I know…I just don't know how I'm going to tell him or if he even cares…'
My destination came sooner than I thought and I would have missed it if it wasn't for someone else getting off at the same stop as me. So I stepped off the bus and made my way through the winding paths to his front door
"Well it's too late to turn back now" I said to myself
I rang the door bell and was greeted by a certain jolly fellow wearing his usual top hot
"Oh, Elizabeth. What bring you here?" he said to me
"It's Eileen, actually" I corrected him
"Oh, I'm terribly sorry, Miss. Eileen. Do forgive me-"
"It's alright, really…um, may I ask if Rigby is home?"
"Oh yes. He is in his room right now. Would you like to come in and see him?"
"Yes, please"
"Ok, follow me" He opened the door wider so I could come into the old-style house and I followed him up the stairs. I was glad that I didn't come here for nothing because I just got the news from CJ that Rigby was in the hospital yesterday so I thought that he was still there. So this morning, I went up there just find out that he just checked out a few hours ago. Well, at least my search is over...
'I still can't believe that he had to go to the hospital again. Even though I still feel upset about the whole incident that happened two day ago, I never wanted him to get hurt to the point that he would have to be sent to the infirmary. I just hope that he's ok'
"Oh, I see that your leg is looking better, I'm so glad" Pops randomly told me
"It wasn't that bad" I told him. That little trip-and-fall was about…a week ago. I almost forgot about it "Thanks, by the way"
"It was no trouble at all, Miss. Eileen. After all, kindness can be given or received by anyone; even to my best competition for the next pie contest"
"Huh? Isn't that months away though?"
"True, but when I compete against you, I want you to be at your best and an injured leg simply won't do at all. Besides, you would do the same for me"
By this time, we stopped in front of Mordecai and Rigby's room. That's when Pops knocked on the door and announced our presence
"Rigby, may we come in?" We didn't hear anything come from behind the door "Rigby?"
"Go away" we heard him whine
'Well at least we know he's in there'
"But you have a visitor and-" Pops tried to say but Rigby yelled
"I don't feel like seeing anyone Pops"
"Well, it looks like he isn't in the mood to converse. Would you like to write down what you want to say to him and I would give it to him later when he's feeling better or would you like to come another time?" Pops asked me
Even though writing down what I wanted to tell him seemed easier at this point; this was something you'd tell someone face to face and I really didn't want to tell him later. It took me all of my strength to even come here. I don't know if I could do this again so I knocked on the door myself
"Rigby, it's Eileen. Please open the door…Rigby" I didn't get an answer. In disappointment, I slammed my back against the wall as I held my forehead with one hand; trying to fight back the frustration and the sorrow I was feeling over the situation
'Please Rigby'
That's when I heard a click and I saw the door open
"Ok. I could see that this is a personal matter so I'll leave you two to talk" Pops said as he walked to another room across the hall
As apprehensive as I was, I grabbed the handle of the slightly opened door and let myself in. The room was pitch black minus the little light that was coming from the hallway. I wanted to turn on the lights but I assumed that he had the lights off for a reason so I continued to find my way in the dark
"I don't remembering saying that you could come in here" I faintly heard him say. It sounded like it was coming from the floor. He must be on the trampoline
"Um…I thought that…? Never mind. I'm not going to be in here long so…" By this time, I found Mordecai's bed and sat at the foot of it. As I sat down, I gripped the fabric of my Coffee Uniform trying to mentally prepare myself for what I was about to say. But before any words came out, I heard him say
"If it's about the 'kissing CJ' thing, I don't want to talk about"
"Well, even though that was on my mind, that's not what I was going to talk about, Rigby. It's just all throughout the past two weeks, I've been faced with a difficult decision and last night…uhh, why is this so difficult to say?"
"Why don't you just say that you're going to college so you could get out of my room and out of my life?" Even though that hurt, I tried to think of something logical behind his words but I was drawing a blank…other than the obvious that is
'He knew? Sigh, this is going to make this a lot harder to ask now'
"Rigby, I-"
"Haven't you caused me enough pain already?"
'Pain? What could he possibly be talking about?' That's when I remembered about him being beat up by Muscle Man. Maybe he thought I had something to do with it or something
"Rigby, I never thought that you would be affected like this. That's why I'm here to sort of mend thing"
"Well, you can't so just get out" I got up from the bed but I didn't head for the door. Instead, I walked towards his trampoline
"Rigby, the last thing I want to do is to leave out of this room and have us resenting each other so-"
"Why can't you get it through your thick skull that I don't want you here?!"
While he was screaming at me, I felt a sharp pain hit my nose. It was like a slap of reality as my past thoughts of Rigby were crushed along with some bones in my nose. I heard the steel of the trampoline bounce back down to the floor so I'm guessing that's the thing that hit me. While I gripped my now bleeding nose, a small whimper left my lips as I failed to fight the tears running down my face
Not wanting to be in this room any longer, I ran towards the door but I was stopped by someone grabbing my arm. I could sense that he was about to say something but I cut him off
"No! That's it. I'm done…I'm done. If I cause you so much pain and confusion, if you want me to go so badly, then fine. You don't have to worry about seeing me again"
'I've been a burden to too many people in the past. I don't want one more person thinking so' I tried to shake out of his grip but he wouldn't let go
"Dang it, Rigby…You scream at me to leave and now you're preventing me from doing so? What do you want from me?"
"I-I don't know" He said it with such sadness and uncertainty that my anger resided for only a second but the pain I was feeling for him still lingered
"I told myself that the point of me visiting you was to leave without you hating me; to still be friends after I attend college. And yet it seems almost impossible. I see that now. I don't hate you, Rigby. I never have and I still can't bring myself to do so. Which is why I can't do this anymore" I managed to peel his hand off of me and I looked in the darkness of the room where I presumed his face might be and said "Goodbye, Rigby"
After that, I didn't look back as I walked down the stairs and made my way to the door
Rigby POV:
'What is wrong with you?!' my conscience screamed at me
'I don't know. I don't know. How many times do I have to tell you?' I told my conscience again as I took my trampoline and threw it across the room; not caring what it broke. I then dropped onto the floor and sat next to Mordecai's bed where my right hand felt something wet. I didn't need to look to know what it was. I looked at my hands which made me remember how she would look at her hands recently when she burned them on our last camping trip
'I'm so confused. This is what I wanted; her out of my life and out of my hair. It's the year of the Rigby…right?…Now that I have that…why do I feel…empty?'
I found myself getting up and grabbing my trampoline. I placed it back where it was suppose to be and plopped my body on it. I didn't look at the ceiling like I usually did. Instead, my eyes were fixated on the one drop blood that fell from my fingers
"I hate you so much [2]"
~Five Days Later~
"Hello viewers. Um…this is awkward. You came a little early. What's it like eleven thirty at night? Besides, there isn't any action going on right now. Mordecai is still waiting for Margaret to log onto Skope and Rigby…well. I'll get to him later. In the meantime, we have some free time until the next scene…so what to do, what to do…oh" I grab a book from under Rigby's trampoline
"Ok, since we have the time, I think you should be clued-in on some entries that I know that Rigby won't get to; considering the depressed state he's in now. There's no reason you guys should miss out on it. Ok let's see…" I open the book and start looking over the pages until I was interrupted by someone
"How dare you uncover the scared secrets of the owner of this book! Prepare to-"
"Shhh! Be quiet. Mordecai will hear us in the next room?" I told the ghostly figure that appeared out of nowhere
"Oh, sorry" the figure says softer "Prepare to-" before she could finish her sentence, I showed her a small card "Oh"
"Now if you don't mind, I'm on a time limit here. Besides, you're not suppose to show up until the final chapter anyway"
"Fine, fine Blue [3]. Just consider yourself lucky that you had your 'Creator's License'" That's when she disappeared in a gust of wind
"Uhh, I hate it when she exits like that" I said wiping some snowflakes off my jacket "Now where was I, oh yes, the diary"
I started looking through the pages for a certain spot
"Ok, let's see um…ok we did Bald Spot…One Pull Up, that was a good one. Too long though. Though I will tell you that if you remember back in chapter ten when Rigby read Death Bear and Fives looked back at Eileen and Margaret with a smile before leaving the park house to watch Monster Trucks; in One Pull Up he has a small conversation with Eileen after Muscle Man leaves the coffee shop to hang more flyers. That's when Fives and Eileen start connecting a little" Flips over more pages
"TGI Tuesday's that was a good one too and also too long but it's was funny when they played the slow song and Rigby was still in his groove that he doesn't notice. So Eileen just went along with it" Flips more pages
"Not that much happened with The Longest Weekend. Just Eileen and Starla's relationship growing into an 'acquaintanceship' by that time" Skimming, Skimming
"Ace Balthazer…the moment in time when Rigby and Mordecai find out that Eileen is a sewing genius…What? You thought that they bought that outfit for Sir Gabelthorp/Ace Balthazer? Nope"
"Skipping, Skipping, we'll get to that later, oh here it is. This entry happened after Margaret left. As a matter of fact, this was a few day before their second camping trip"
Eileen Diary POV:
Dear Diary,
I have been working both shifts for about seven months now. I know I should be getting use to these crazy work hours but after a while this gets tiring. At least something happened that made it worth going to work today…it was almost like déjà vu all over again…
While I was getting food prepared in the kitchen this morning, I couldn't help but hear someone yelling
"Hey, is anyone here?"
I rushed to put some more seasonings in the marinara sauce, turned the fire down to a simmer, and hurried to the waiting customer. When I opened the kitchen door, I saw that it was CJ
'Hm, I usually don't see her in the Coffee Shop; and this early too'
"Hey CJ, what bring you here?" I asked her
"Well, I saw the 'Help Wanted' sign in the window and I was wondering-"
"Hn? I thought you were already employed"
"I was two days ago but I got fired" she said sitting down at one of the tables
"Woah, why?"
"It's this stupid thing with Mordecai. It's crawling up my skin, Eileen" She was covering her eyes with her hands as her elbows rested on the table "It's getting to the point that if I even see a guy in a blue jacket/hoodie, I go crazy" She moved her hands up which made them get tangled in her curly red hair as she gripped it in frustration "Why do I always set myself up like this? He tells me that he doesn't like me that way but he keeps leading me on at the same time. Why can't I get over him?"
Her skin started to turn a dark gray as her emotions started to race. That's when the room started to get colder as the door opened; letting the wind pick up in here
'Oh no. I better calm her down before she destroys the Coffee Shop again'
"CJ, please calm down. It's not all that bad"
"What do you mean it's not all that bad? The relationship I had with Mordecai is destroyed because of me, I got fired from my job because I attacked this random customer out of anger, and now you're telling me that it isn't all that bad? I feel like my life is over" Her voice started to get softer as she continued to sink lower into sadness "I feel so horrible, Eileen. I said so many dreadful things to him; things I could never take back…and my life is crumbling right in front of me…Damn it, I hate him so much…just because his heart belongs to someone else but I'm so angry with myself for hurting him like that that I don't know what to do-"
"Well, one thing you could do is go to that office and land this job" I grabbed her left shoulder and pulled her into a sideways hug "I know this is tough for you. Relationships are hard and sometimes painful…trust me, I know, but the best thing to do when your broken is to get back up and keep on moving. That's easier said than done, I know that, but dwelling in a painful situation whether it be physical or mental is terrible for anyone and moving on from it is even harder but at least you could take the first step and get back on your feet…"
After calming CJ down, I guided her to my boss's office and waited. Even though the minutes seemed like hours she came out of the office. She wasn't looking as cheery as I thought she would. As a matter of fact, she looked depressed
"CJ, what happened? Please don't tell me that he didn't hire you" I said feeling anxious and sad at the same time
She didn't say anything as she hung her head down; hiding her facial expressions with her hair while she clenched her fists. I walked up to her and stood right beside her. I patted her on the back and told her not to worry
"…I'm here for you CJ and whatever it takes, I'll help you find a job…"
In the mist of me consoling her, I heard I faint snicker. I questioned myself whether I heard it or not but my suspicions were confirmed when I heard it louder. She was laughing all of the sudden. Ok, now I was confused
"Gotcha" I heard her say faintly and then she let out one final chuckle "No need to sweat, Eileen. I got the job but seriously though, you have too much compassion for someone you've only met for about two weeks ago...So much trust and loyalty…thanks Eileen"
Dear Diary,
I'm worried, Diary. Usually, when I plan things, I account for every possibility of failure, but this one, you could see that I didn't think this all the way through…
I was getting off the bus to go to work when I met with a person I haven't seen in a while. He was leaning on the bus stop sign with his head down like he was in deep thought
"Hey Fives" I said calling out to him
"Oh, hi Eileen" He said unenthusiastically with hint of dread
"Is everything ok?"
"It's okay, I guess" He paused for a second but continued "I think, I'm having second thoughts about this. I understand your intentions for doing this but that could also be the reason why we shouldn't go through with this; especially now"
"I've thought of that too but I also think that if we wait too long, she'll do something drastic" That's when I took his wrist and led him across the street to the Coffee Shop
"I wasn't talking about her" I heard him say under his breath
When we got inside, I sat him in a booth by the window "Ok, I'm going to sign in. CJ should be here soon to take your order" He didn't respond back, he just put his elbows on the table and entwined his fingers and brought them to his face under his nose
I made my way to the back and it just so happened that I bumped into CJ who was delivering an order to another customer
"Oh Eileen, great you're here. The rush came early and it was brutal" she told me
"Oh, I'm sorry. I'll assist you as soon as I sign in. In the meantime, I saw that there was another customer by the window. Can you get him for me while I get myself together?"
"Sure"
While I took my time to sign in, I watched from a distance as CJ went to Fives's table to take his order
"Hello sir, welcome to the Coffee Shop. May I take your order?" CJ asked him
"Actually, I'm not in the mood for coffee" He said as he started to space out
"Well, we have other things besides coffee. We have many different iced teas and we have pretty good sandwiches I must say…" CJ stopped in mid-sentence and changed from cheery and welcoming to serious and concerned as she pulled up a chair and sat across from him "Dude, is something wrong?"
That's when I called CJ on her cellphone. I didn't let it ring for long, just enough for Fives to hear the ringtone. As CJ was trying to find the cellphone in her apron, Fives said without looking at her
"Twilight Madness by Ron Android [4]"
"Oh, you're a fan?" She asked him
"Not really. I just know that song because it was in the Blizzard Racers Soundtrack" he said to her still kind of down
"A Blizzard Racers fan, huh? Don't get too many of those anymore" It looked like things were going to go great but then Fives said
"Look, I'm sure you're a nice girl and all but I can't do this" he said getting up from the table "Just tell Eileen-"
"Tell Eileen what?" She said looking back where I was but I pretended to act busy and placed things in the display case
"That…that I'm not interested in dating" Fives told her in almost a whisper
I saw shock flash across her eyes like she was remembering something horrible but then she calmed herself and said in almost a whisper…
Hmm, reading on, I could tell that you're going to get the wrong idea or portray this wrong if I read straight from this diary. Better give you CJ's perspective just for this part so you could understand it better
Just hearing this guy say that just brought me back to a place I thought I got past. But here it was rearing its ugly head… 'Look, I'm not interested in dating…' that's what he said. That's what he said before…
Memories started to pour into my mind like a flood…all of those good times we spent together laughing and joking around, playing video games, and just plain stupid stuff…Just to be dashed because of those words reoccurring not once, not twice but three times…
'Why did he have to lead me on like this? Why did we have to get close again? Why did he have to kiss me again just to take it back and say those horrid words again?'
'And here I am with the same predicament about to happen all over again. What does he think I'm stupid or something? Does he think that I would look into his mystical white eyes and fall head over heels for him just to have my heart stomped on again? No…not this time'
"That was random" I said trying to laugh it off at first but it soon faded away into oblivion "What makes you think that I would want to date you?" Before he could answer I continued to rant "Why do that when you're probably just going to befriend me, make me think that everything is perfectly fine between us, then give me some excuse to just to say those words again"
"Huh?" He said confused
"Don't play dumb with me!"
I felt my body get colder. I hate it when I feel this way. You would think I would feel hot when furious but no. I'd feel cold like a corpse; a corpse whose heart has already stopped beating. But I know that's not the case because if that was so than why do I still feel so much pain
'Damn it! Why do I have to feel like this all of the time? It's like this cycle will never stop. All of this pain and sorrow; it won't leave me alone…'
"So what made Eileen bring you here?" I continued to ask him "Did you pour your heart out to a person and it wasn't enough? Did you get so deep in a relationship to notice that your girl was cheating on you? Or did you get lovesick off a crush that's not even worth your time?" I saw him clench his fist as he tried to make his way to the exit but I didn't allow him. I caused the wind from outside to pour into the shop causing customers to be frightened "What are you leaving for? Can't handle when reality slaps you in the face?"
"I think that you better stop acting like you know me, like you know what I went through" the guy in the white hoodie said almost as cold as I was talking to him
"And you should stop talking like you know what true heartache is! Have you ever looked at a couple and wondered, how? Have you ever lost a night's sleep teary-eyed wondering, why? Have you ever had friends tell you that the pain will go away and you wondered, when? Have you ever been told that there is always someone out there and wondered, who? Have you ever looked in the mirror and wondered, what's wrong with me?"
"Have you ever drove across a bridge thought, soon?" He said in almost a whisper "Have you ever held a knife thinking, where this time? Thinking that if you get pass the pain that you'll never have to feel it again?…Just as I thought" and with that, he walked out of the shop
~Fast-Forward to that night~
I looked at the horizon as the colors danced across the sky. It was getting dark as the temperature got colder. But despite how cold I was, I just sat there listening as the cars rolled behind me but it was nowhere near as loud as the turmoil raging inside my head
'I can't believe you did it again, CJ. You didn't even know the guy and you ridiculed him. He was hurting just like you were, possibly even more, and you caused him pain that he didn't need. He didn't deserve any of the words you said…'
'Uhhh, why can't I just get over Mordecai so I could stop hurting people? I hate it when I'm like this…and the chill it gives me'
I stood up from where I was sitting at and closed my eyes as the wind started to pick up more and I was taking in the scent of the salt that lingered in it
"I need to stop this"
Without another thought, I kept my eyes closed while I felt the ground soon leave my feet and all I felt was the rush of air passing me while the car noises slowly died down. I found myself smiling as I thought that soon I wouldn't hurt anyone again and soon this would be the last pain I'll ever feel…
"Gravity, take me"
After seconds of falling, my joy was short-lived when I didn't feel myself come in contact with a freezing end. I expected to be wet as the river below would consume me with its airless embrace. A befitting end to a person as cold as I could be…but no. I felt something warm wrap around me as the rush of air stopped completely; but I still felt this sensation of floating. I was about to open my eyes to see what was going on but they closed instinctively when I felt myself bounce on something
I laid still for a minute as I felt like I was rocking on water. I opened my eyes to confirm this but it was pitch black so I relied on my other senses to answer the major question going through my head. The first thing I noticed was the faint sound of breathing which corresponded to the rise and fall of something moving on my back. That's when I realized that I was on top of someone
Before I could analyze the situation any further, the darkness dissolved and my eyes were opened to the night sky. I looked around and somewhat saw the shore I washed up upon but I clearly saw the lights from the bridge I was on not too long ago
After I took in my surroundings, I felt my body being pushed so that now I was laying on my side. Questioning who did that in my mind, I flipped myself over so I could look behind me and what I saw had me stunned
"You" was all I could muster out while I watched as the guy behind me sit up. That's when my eyes happened to see marks on his arms and only one word flashed in my head: self-infected
I found myself scooting next to him and I looked in the same direction he was which was the cityscape with its lights shining in the darkness. As beautiful as it was, I couldn't help but feel a sadness consume me; mainly guilt. And I found myself saying to him
"I'm so sorry…I'm sorry I'm such a mess. I don't even know you and I lashed at you like you caused all of this…It's just that I've been through so many bad experiences with this thing called 'love' that-"
"I know" he replied kind of harshly without looking at me still "You spelled it out when you were flaming me"
"I see you're still hurting about the things I said. I don't blame you. But if that's so then why did you rescue me? Why did you just let me-"
"Because-" He said as he looked at the water flowing past his feet. I watched him while his white hoodie climbed upon his shoulders all by itself [5]. He then zipped his hoodie up and stood to his feet. He only stared out into space for a second before turning around and walking a little bit until he was behind me with his back toward me "-you haven't found genuine happiness yet which makes your abrupt end pointless"
Ok, back to Eileen's Diary POV
Dear Diary,
For the past few days, CJ has been acting strange lately but not in a bad way. She hasn't made a complete turnaround but I see that she isn't hovering guilt and resentment like she would at certain occasions. Well, whatever happened, I'm glad it did because she seems almost content…well she was until someone stopped by today...
It was close to the end of CJ's shift and the rush was starting to die down. I was in the front, waiting on a customer to come while CJ was in the kitchen checking on the desserts we put in the oven. As I let out a sigh of boredom, I heard CJ open the kitchen doors and go in the locker room
'Must be time for her to sign out' I thought as I walked over to the display case to see if there was anything we were getting low on. That's when I heard the front door ding and I turned around with eagerness because finally there was something to do. Little did I know that I would be greeted by someone I didn't see in a long time
"Margaret?" I said in shock
"In the flesh" she said back to me
"Oh my gosh, I can't believe it" I said running to her, giving her a big hug "When did you get here?"
"This morning. I thought that since I have a week off from school, why not visit the best Coffee Shop in town?"
"So does anyone else know that you're here?" I asked her while releasing her from my hug so she could sit down
"Besides, my parents, no. So I would appreciate it if you didn't tell anyone yet, especially-" that's when we heard a loud thud from the behind us. We turned around and saw CJ in shock and a duffle bag at her feet. Her hand trembled a little bit but she soon regained some of her composure and grabbed her bag off the floor. She made her way to the door but stopped and said without looking at us
"So you're back, huh…I'm sure Mordecai will be so happy to see you" She sounded so sincere but I couldn't help but think that she was faking her feelings. Well at least she took the high road and…
"I saw a Coffee Uniform sticking out of her bag. Is that moody girl working here?" Margaret whispered to me
"What did you call me?!" CJ yelled as she turned around and walked down the stairs to us
'Oh no'
"Look, I was just asking if you worked here" Margaret said back to her
"And what if I am? Is there a problem?" CJ said leaning on the table that we were sitting at
"CJ, I'm sure that Margaret didn't mean anything rude by her question" I said trying to calm the situation down but it didn't seem to help
"I think she did mean something by it. If she didn't mean it, she wouldn't have said like that, now would she" CJ said to both of us
"Look, I'm sorry ok" Margaret told her because like me, she didn't want things to escalate
"I don't need your phony apologies" CJ told Margaret "Especially from a b**** like you"
"What did you say?"
"You heard me. And hearing from Mordecai how many boyfriends you had before him, I think b**** is an understatement" I could see Margaret tense up in anger as the tension grew between them
"CJ, please calm down" I said trying to warn CJ but she interrupted me
"Why should I? Here I was trying to be nice about things. I tried to let go of the hatred I feel for that viper over here and leave, but she had to go and starts something. And now you want me to cease just because little Miss. Perfect is getting mad? Well, she should be. After what she put Mordecai through, I would like nothing more than to have her feeling this way" That's when Margaret stood up from her stool. I watched as Margaret's fists clenched but she didn't raise them, however they were shaking like they were aching to
"I don't know why I'm even letting your words get to me?" Margaret laughed a little "You don't know everything. You don't know the whole story. Your words are nothing but trash to me coming from a tramp who can't go ten minutes without going through a hissy-fit"
"There you go again talking like you know everything damn thing. I may not know the whole story but I don't need to know the whole story to know how he is feeling right now. Do you know that he is laying in his bed depressed? Do you know that he is shunning everyone out because of the emptiness you left him? Do you even know what you put Mordecai through after you left? You didn't even bother to communicate with him until like a month ago. That was six months, six months that you held his heart and left him broken. How cruel can you be to do that to him and think that its fine? Do you know how much pain he went through, over you? On and off he would get over it and then go right back into depression just because you're playing him like a video game 'Oh I could press pause and come back to it' well it doesn't work that way, princess. He's a f***ing human being that loves you so get off your pretty a** and treat him like one"
"I do love him" Margaret said faintly
"Well, you could have fool me and everybody else" CJ snapped back at her, giving her no sympathy
"Whether you believe it or anyone else, it doesn't matter to me. There is only one person's opinion that really matters in this issue and that's Mordecai's...So why don't you stop looking back in our business and move on with yours, you jealous little-"
"Jealous? That would have been correct a few days ago but you're too late with that one missy, as well in other matters. So don't get it twisted, I'm not lashing out at you because I'm jealous of you for still having Mordecai's heart. No, I'm angry with you because I still care about him. I may not be able to have him like you do but I still care whether he's happy or miserable" CJ grabbed her duffle bag and made her way to the door "I know he is happiest when he is with you and I'm fine with that now so all I have to say is when you see him, make him the happiest man on this earth...And if I find out otherwise, I can't be positive if you're going to make it back to your college in one piece" With that, CJ left the shop
There was a long silence between Margaret and me as thoughts roamed through my mind. I know where CJ is coming from so I know why she said all of those things and so harshly too but I also know Margaret and I know that she would never be heartless like CJ kept implying. She had a reason for leaving and why she did it that way but even now I know from resent Skope messages that she is regretting it
"Why didn't you tell me?" I heard Margaret ask as she sat down on her stool again "Why didn't you tell me that he was hurting to this extent?"
"I thought that you'd knew since you're talking to him now" I told her
"But he hasn't told me this. He always acted like he was happy to see me and he always had a smile on his face; wishing me luck on my studies and making sure I was ok when I was feeling down about things. Why didn't he tell me?"
"Maybe because he didn't want you to worry. Maybe he felt like his problems would only burden you or even make you drop out"
"Damn him! Always putting me first. I feel like an idiot thinking that he was fine when he was really suffering while putting on a fake smile. And here I was thinking that he had probably gotten over me and found another love interest. I feared that every day since I left but I tried making myself believe that it was for the best and that long distance relationships rarely work. He deserves someone that would be able to give him the time and love that he needs, why can't he see that? I saw it…and even now I can't stop thinking about him. How our last weeks were, how I felt safe around him to the point where I could actually trust him...he made me feel wanted in a way that family couldn't do and yet I have to deal with the fact that we're twenty-two hours apart now. I want to be with him so badly but-"
"But what? You said you loved him, right? Then why not be with him?" I said getting tired of her making excuses when she was obviously yearning for him
"But long distance relationships-"
"I don't care what statistics say! All I'm hearing is quitter talk. At least try and make this work. It doesn't take a genius to see that both of you still love each other so why put yourself through this. I'm not saying drop out but there is Skope and cellphones to keep in contact and you always have your breaks. It's not like you're overseas. You're still in the same state for Pete's sake. You can make this work, especially since you're not going to be in college forever. Margaret, are you seeing where I'm getting at? Margaret?" She looked like she had spaced out. I waved my hands in her face and she blinked like she snapped out of it. She then took a deep breath and rested her head in her palms. She stared at the table and said softly to me
"I want to see him"
"Ok, that's mainly what happened before this story began with Margaret and Eileen devising a plan for them to meet up so I think that's enough briefing for now"
I then started to feel a slight tug on the diary. I couldn't see who it was but I knew who it was
"Alright, alright, I'm done it. You can have it, sheesh" I let it go and the invisible person left with the book at hand
'I guess it's about time that we start the next scene then. So…hm, where is Rigby now…'
Rigby POV:
I watched as the flames danced in the fire I just made (using a lighter of course). My eyes stared as I slowly became mesmerized by it, and it soon reminded me of her and how she danced full of energy
'How was that?' I thought as a split-second memory flashed in my brain
"Damn it, even staring at fire reminds me of her. Why can't I get her out of my head?" I said to myself in frustration
'Because you miss her' said my stupid conscience
"No, I do not"
'If that's the case, why haven't you slept in five days?'
I knew why I didn't sleep in five days. It was because every time I closed my eyes, I would see her. My mind would overflow with memories I've desperately tried to forget. If I wasn't thinking about her tempting eyes, I was thinking about her dorky smile and laugh. If wasn't thinking of pleasurable things, I was thinking of things most horrid…like her scars…from the bruise I gave her when we head-butted each other, to the marks that psycho rapist left her, the gash on her knee when she fell in that Leukemia run, and the one that I could never forget…her burnt hands
'I just burned them with the pot I was using. Nothing major. It's only a first degree burn…'
I looked at my hands and saw my right hand still stained with her blood from when I accidently hit her with my trampoline
'That's it. I'm done, I'm done…Goodbye Rigby...'
I grabbed the nearest thing which was a random twig and threw it on the fire and watched it spar
"Damn it! Just damn it…Why do you still have a hold on me?" That's when I bend over and rested my head in my palms but when I did that, I felt something poke me in the stomach. I didn't remember putting anything in my hoodie so to rid myself of this slight discomfort, I reached into my front hoodie pocket and pulled out…that damn diary
'Now I know I didn't bring this along, how did it get there? Well, I can't even remember when I left the house so…'
Having no purpose this time, I found myself opening the diary and I started to flip randomly in it
Eileen Diary POV:
'Neither of them show any interest in me; especially Rigby. All he does is push me aside when I try to be nice to him…...I can't help but wonder if there is any possible way to look beautiful in Rigby's eyes…...You know Mordecai, it's called Ursa Major, not Orsela Merger. Besides, that's not even it, it's Orion…Ooooh and she didn't even have to look up…...just consider yourself lucky to be skilled enough to be my competition…...Who is tasting defeat now, Mordecai. Just admit it, you can't stand up to our greatness…...Just give up now. I'm so going to break this tie and totally bury you're a**, the shovel…Ha, you're the one sweating bullets right now. If there is anyone being buried, it's probably going to be you, Rigbone…...What? All is fair in love and war and Eileen, this is war…...Rigby, even though you weren't exactly courageous. I still think that you were pretty cool…...Come on Rigby, this is a tender moment for them…Uh, sick. That's it. If you need me, I'll be in the bathroom bleaching my eyes out…...I think the correct term you're trying to say is stalagmites. Even though stalagmites are these beautiful cones of calcite right here. Stalactites, are the ones on the ceiling…Ooohhh, wrong again Mordecai. Two for Two…...What happened to your hands!…'
Rigby POV:
As I was meditating on the past events, I paused when I got to that part. I knew this would be when we had that awkward moment in our second camping trip and I didn't want to rehash it; knowing the consequences. However, I still got this curiosity to whether she actually knew what happened that morning so I looked for the last written page
I flipped one page and I saw the pages were filled, I flipped two more and they were also filled
'This is weird. How much did she write about it?'
I continued to flip through pages like crazy because it seemed like it wouldn't end until I finally found a blank page
'Damn, how much was that, like forty pages? Ok, what does she have to about…' I read one random sentence on the last written page and it shocked me
'You better not post that…Too late, I already did…Oh come on…Did you already sing that tune…Rigby'
"Wait a minute, wait a minute. That happened a week ago which was way past the time when I snatched this thing. How did this get in here?" Before I could question this any further, a small glowing dot showed on the top right corner of the next empty page. It moved across the page like it was writing and it engraved today's date on the corner "What the hell! It's writing in itself!"
Eileen Diary POV:
Dear Notepad,
I'm sorry for not writing in you, but so much stuff was happening; so much that I don't know where to begin
First, you're probably wondering why we're not in our apartment. Well, as I said, there was so much stuff going on that I…had to get away for a bit. You may not recognize this place but my old diary knows; wherever it may be now. It's a forest area that I found three years ago. I camped out here for about a month until I was able to find a place to live. I still can't believe that my tent is still here after all of these years. Even though it's not that much of use now it still holds back memories from when I was first on the verge of a breaking point…when I had something to burn. However this time, I just need some time to clear my brain because right now, I'm so confused
To start with, I find out that Rigby kissed one of my good friends and if it wasn't heart-wrenching enough, he totally hates me now. I don't know what I did to make him recent me enough to hurt me but…ok maybe it was because he found out that I was going to college but he didn't seem to care when he was locking lips with CJ. Dang it, I still don't get why he did that
Well I should have expect this. Through the three years, I've known him, he has always been throwing me for a loop. One moment he would be acting nice and we would get along and another moments he would shun me and treat me like a pest. As years progressed, the differences in his feelings towards me only escalated in both extremes. There have been times when he would show he actually cared for my welfare and wasn't afraid to touch me and there would be times when he would do and say the most hateful things. You would think that knowing him for three years, I would know where I stand with him but it's been nothing but a rollercoaster for me that I don't even know anymore
Then there was the incident with Chad that happened the same day Rigby and I had our little fight…
Rigby POV:
"Chad? What the hell did he do?"
Eileen Diary POV:
I had known that he had an interest in me and it showed when he asked me to dinner after the astronomy meeting we had. It was nothing special, just some food from a building two buildings from the Student Center; plus Tuck and Jeremy came with us. I guess it was to make it less suspicious but it couldn't be more obvious since Chad and I sat at one table and Tuck and Jeremy sat in another, but I just went along with it
Throughout the whole 'dinner', I saw him try to make pleasant conversation with me. He even placed his tablet aside and didn't pick it up the whole time; shocker. I feel bad that despite his efforts to make me feel comfortable and impress me, I didn't warm up to him. I couldn't with a certain someone plaguing my mind still but somehow he got me laughing at something stupid
That's when he did something I wasn't really expecting
"Eileen, do you enjoy my company?" Chad asked me
"Well, I don't hate being around you" I answered him
"Well, I enjoy being around you. So much that I want to ask you to be my girlfriend…"
Rigby POV:
At that moment there was a gust a wind that blew so hard that it extinguished the fire I made. Thus, darkening my view of what the diary was telling me
"Sh**" I said as I tried to get the lighter out of my pants pocket. I ran to the fire pit and desperately tried to get a spark but it wouldn't light "Damn it, no. I need to know what she said"
'Why would you need to know? She probably said yes and has totally-' my conscience said
"Just shut it! I won't accept that until I see it"
'Just face it. You took too long, and she has gotten over you'
"I said shut up!"
'And what would it matter if you figured out that she did said no? It's not like she'll take you back after what you did to her. Can't you see, you're finished? Your only reason for living is gone now, so why press on?' I stopped sparking the lighter and paused at that last thought; remembering back to that horrid dream I had a while back
'Let go, you know you want to…Shortbread'
That's when I heard a faint scream and in it's direction I saw a tiny light. I found myself dropping the lighter and walking towards it. The closer I got, the more the light got brighter and the more a woman's voice got more familiar. At this point, I was running until I came to a cave opening with a campfire burning inside and what I saw broke me
"Why can't I hate him?! I don't want to love him anymore. I don't want to hurt myself anymore thinking that he'll finally come around. I don't want to feel this constant pain I have for him knowing that he doesn't feel the same way. I know I'm killing myself by doing so, so why…why can't I just let him go?"
I continued to watch as she poured out her heart and all of the pain that came with it. I watched the tears run down her face; staining her cheeks
'I never thought I would see her cry and it'd effect me like this'
I found myself leaning on the cave wall entrance where she couldn't see me as all of this was starting to sink in. I was being filled with so many conflicting emotions; some wanting to go in there and comfort her while others were full with fear of doing so
I slide down so I was sitting on the ground and I pressed my head in my palms as they covered my eyes. I didn't know what to do because this pain I was feeling wouldn't allow me to think despite how quiet it got. Even the wind stopped and all you could hear was the sound of the crickets. But soon, the silence was broken when I heard faintly from inside the cave
"What do you want from me, Rigby?"
Mordecai POV:
I went on Skope simply to ask some advice about Rigby and the depression he was having because two days of locking himself in our room is way too long to wallowing over anything…but I wind up being bombarded with an even greater problem
"Did you hear anything from CJ?" Margaret asked while we were talking on Skope
"She says that she hasn't seen her at work for the past two days and we all tried calling her cellphone but we just got nothing but answering machine"
"Damn it. Tuck said that he dropped her off after the astronomy meeting. Where could she be? It's been three days now"
"Margaret, calm down. We'll find her"
"Calm down? How can I calm down when I'm over here and she's nowhere to be found? What if something happened to her-"
That's when the computer room door opened; no knock, no nothing
"Mordecai?" It was Rigby. He still sounded depressed and he looked worse than when I last saw him in clear lighting two days ago "I need your help with something" He sounded so lost and as his best friend I wanted to help him with whatever it was, but I also wanted to help Margaret with her problem as well
"Any other time, I would help you bro" I told him "but while you locked yourself in our room, Eileen has gone missing and we're trying to-"
"I know where she is" He said in the same glum voice while pulling out a small trig from his hoodie
"You do? Where?" Margaret and I said at the same time
"She's in the forest on the outskirts of Twin Peaks. It was the same place where we got lost trying to get quesadillas wraps to Benson. She's camping there to…get her mind off of things" Rigby told us
Remembering the fight that Rigby and Eileen had, I'm not surprised that she took some time to think. But it's still kind of rash the way she did it
"I saw her, Mordecai" Rigby continued to say in his soft, stuttering voice "I saw her crying and…I feel so stupid!" Out of nowhere he started hitting the wall repeatedly "I let it go. I let it all go. Her cheeriness, her intelligence, her sense of loyalty…her tempting eyes [saying that part soft], all of it! And now she's hurting because of me. I keep causing her so much pain…How could she? How could she be so nice to me all of the time and still see potential that doesn't even exist in me; especially when I treat her like sh**!" At this moment, I heard something crack and I don't think it was the wall that he was hitting. He stopped hitting the wall and gripped his wrist tightly. He then placed his head on the wall so we couldn't see his face and said in almost a whisper "I hate you so much"
He sounded like he was on the verge of tears. Both Margaret and I were speechless that we didn't know what to do so we sat there silent for a minute so Rigby could get himself together
"So what do you want me do, Rigby?" I asked him finally "Do you want Eileen back? Is that what you're trying to say?" He took a long time to speak as if he was really thinking about this. But then he broke the silence and answered
"No"
A/N: Didn't expect that did you? That was way too emotional, even for me and I'm the writer. Well, there is only one chapter left to see what happens to our little couple here…
Plus, that argument with CJ and Margaret…oh man, I know I was treading on thin ice there because of the different opinions people have between the two but oh well, I don't hate CJ or Margaret so they get equal thrashing in this story (even though you could probably tell that I slightly favor CJ more…as a person though, not really as a pairing for Mordecai)
[1] Fizzy-Fizz= Coca Cola
[2] When Rigby says "I hate you so much", he wasn't saying that he hated Eileen. For clarification, he was saying that he hated himself (both times he said it). I know, you're probably thinking, "Oh, why couldn't you have just said 'myself' and not 'you'?". Well, for people that know how it is to hate yourself, sometimes you just don't say 'myself'; especially when you're look in the mirror…
[3] While chatting with RegularShowFan1592, he decided to call me 'Blue' so I thought, why not
[4] Twilight Madness by Ron Android = Dragula by Rob Zombie…which is also in the soundtrack of Sled Storm (which Blizzard Racers is based off of in this story)
[5] Back in the episode 'Gut Model', I saw that Hi-Five Ghost could make himself into a bubble force field when he protected Muscle Man from being burnt from the Fry Monster. So this got me thinking, Fives is technically a 'human' and not dead in my story, but I still want him to have powers like CJ still has hers…and that's where the magical jacket came into being
P.S. I'll be making a lot of corrections in all of the chapters before I post the last chapter and there will be slight changes that won't change your view of the story so don't worry, you don't need the re-read it (you could if you want)
P.S.S. I finally made a cover for this story so if you see this story and wonder why you don't see my usual profile picture of the rose, that's why
P.S.S.S. LISTEN TO MUSCLE MAN, 'WRAP IT UP' PEOPLE, SAFETY IS ALWAYS BEST
Still looking for reviews, comments, and suggestions guys. Oh, and thanks for the ones I got in the last chapter. Well, onward to the final chapter
