Chapter Twelve

Wondering if you're gay isn't really the type of thing you discuss with your family. To me, Liz and Patty were family. They were like two really annoying sisters you couldn't help loving. If I was going to ask anyone about this, it would have to be a friend.

Maka was out of the question; she was already too involved, too nosy, already convinced I was madly in love with Crona (which I'm not, by the way.) I wasn't that close with Tsubaki, but I could already guess her corny movie quote answer, like "follow your heart, it's never wrong" or "believe in yourself, because you are all you have". And Black Star . . . yeah. No.

So there was really only one option.

"Are you busy after school?"

"Yeah," said Soul, "Why?" He shoved a couple French fries in his mouth.

"I want to . . . talk."

"We're talking right now."

"Yeah, but . . ." I moved my tray closer, lowered my voice. "I mean, in private."

"Is it something serious?"

I shrugged. "I guess."

"We still have ten minutes of lunch," he said, "We can like, go outside."

"Sure." I stood up and threw my half-eaten food in the trash.

We threaded through the tables of noisy students and made it to the quiet of the hallway. I shut the cafeteria door, feeling nervous at what I was about to say. I clenched my hands into fists, willing myself to stay calm.

Soul stood with his hands in his pockets, looking at me expectantly.

"Um," I said.

"You said it was important," said Soul. His eyes darted back at the cafeteria, like he was thinking of getting dessert.

"Yeah," I said, "It's important. Sure. Okay. Well, ah, do you think . . . um . . . do I like, look gay to you?"

He stared at me blankly. "What?"

"Like, say, right now," I said, "Right now, do I look gay."

"Uh," he glanced at my shoes, my pants, my shirt. "I mean, your jeans are kinda tight . . ."

I looked down at my outfit.

"Is that all?" said Soul.

"Yeah. I mean, no," I said, "No. That . . . that wasn't what I meant to ask."

"Then what?"

I cleared my throat.

"I think," I said slowly, "That there's . . . a small possibility . . . tiny, almost . . . that . . . well, that I might be . . you know."

". . . I know . . . ?"

"You know."

"What?"

"Gay," I said. "I might be gay."

A short silence followed.

"You're gay."

"Maybe. A little."

Soul sucked in his breath, dug his hands deeper in his pockets. I waited for a reply. My insides were shaking.

"So?" I said.

"Um." Soul looked at me, awkwardly. "Are you like, confessing to me?"

"No!" I said, "God, no! What the fuck!"

"Sorry!" he said, holding up his hands, "It's just that I thought -"

"Dude, I'm telling you because you're my friend," I said, "Not because I want to go out with you."

"Yeah, okay, I get it," he said, "I just . . . thought you were trying to tell me you were interested."

I covered my face with my hands. "That is the most disturbing thing I've ever heard," I said.

"So you don't like me."

"No."

"Okay, good, just checking, you know, 'cuz I don't swing -"

"Stop," I said. "Just stop."

"I think one of my friends is gay."

"I'm regretting ever mentioning this to you."

"I can hook you up with him."

"I am now regretting my whole life."