Chapter 12-Better

I was screaming. I was trying to breath and I couldn't. I was struggling with the ropes around my arms. I needed to breath, I needed air. I finally fought my way out of the ropes but still the air was gone. I was reaching up but I couldn't go anywhere. I saw his hand but I couldn't reach it. "Ranger help me please. Don't leave me here alone it's dark, please Ranger." I begged and then suddenly I fell. My eyes came open and I was on the floor.

"Babe." Ranger said gently touching my shoulder.

"What happened?" I asked him as I sat up.

"Are you really awake now?" he paused

"Of course." I sighed

He reached under me and lifted me up and back onto the bed. "I tried to help you before you fell but that didn't work out so well."

"Can you turn on the light? Usually you just leave on the light in the bathroom but it's too dark in here right now." I told him as I sat up against the pillow. I looked down at my hands and they were red... I looked up at him as he turned on the light. His hands were all scratched up and his arms red. "What the hell?"

"It's my fault. You were screaming and rolling all over. I was trying to comfort you by holding you in my arms. I think I made things worse." He sat back on the bed but not close to me.

"I thought they were ropes. I didn't know it was you." when he looked at me the tears came.

"Babe." he reached out and wiped some tears away with his finger.

"What am I going to do? Most of the time I am afraid to go to sleep because I don't want to have this nightmare. I am tired of laying around but Bobby says a couple of more days. I miss my friends and my job." I was full on ugly crying now.

"Relax." He reached out to hug me and then thought better of it and put his hands on my legs

"Jeez! You won't even hug me now. It's torture to be living here. I don't think about Morelli and then when I do think of him I feel guilty for not thinking about him. I don't want him to visit but I do at the same time. I feel like family around your men and then when I leave I will lose them. I have a real friendship with Ella but that too will be gone. I don't want to be here anymore and I never want to leave." he reached out again but I pushed him back. I turned my back to him and scooted to where my legs were hanging off of the bed.

"I am petrified to leave here and bump into Jeanne Ellen, and I have gone against bigger and badder but still she terrifies me more than anyone else I have faced. What she did to me really screwed me up. I still haven't asked you...did she do this because you two were together and I got in the way? Did you cheat on her with me." I turned to look at him and his mouth was open. His face was in shock, frozen and then quickly hurt. He looked so hurt it was as if I had shot him.

"Steph..." he began

"Forget it. I don't want to know. I shouldn't have asked." I couldn't make the tears stop. "You are making it so comfortable to live here and at the same time it's completely uncomfortable. You've only kissed me once since I have been here and you never look at me like I'm lunch anymore. Who picked out the red panties and bra and if it was you then why did you bother? I'm ruining your life." I was near hysterical now "You were right when you said I was a liability."

I could feel him shifting on the bed to reach for me and I stood up.

"Don't. Please. It means nothing if I have to beg for your attention. I can't live like this forever, these nightmares. I am afraid to be alone and afraid to be in complete darkness. And I don't want anyone to know all of these things. I am embarrassed and ashamed that I am so weak. I can't let this ruin my life, I need to be strong and move forward instead of wallowing in this mess." He jumped out of the bed and came to me pulling me into a hug.

"No." I cried trying to push him away but he held me tighter. I pounded a hand against his chest. "Don't do this. Don't comfort me when I am angry and hurting you. You are wasting your days sitting around as my babysitter. Just hire someone and get on with your life." I stopped hitting him but cried harder collapsing against him.

My knees were weak but he never let me go. He walked me back to the bed and pushed me down. He jumped over me and landed on his own side. He grabbed some tissues from the night table and handed them to me. Then he pulled me against his chest and held me there without any words while I cried.

"Are you done?" he asked when I was all cried out, left with nothing but sniffles.

I nodded my head against his chest but didn't speak.

"I don't even know where to start." he took a deep breath.

"Forget it." I sniffled,

"No!" He pulled me back from him and lifted my chin to look at him. "You don't get to just breakdown with all of these issues and not let me comment. I let you get everything out and I let you push me away until I knew you needed me. Now I will talk!"

I nodded my head and laid it down on his shoulder so I could look at his face.

"okay, my hands and arms? My fault. I should have realized what you were dreaming about and found a different way to comfort you. I probably made it worse." I opened my mouth to talk and he pressed his finger gently to my lips. "We can talk to Bobby and see if there is a pill to take or something to do that will take away the nightmares. I won't turn off all the lights again and I will keep making sure to never leave you alone. I will get you a new phone in the morning so you can talk to your friends and family more often. I am sorry I didn't get it sooner, I just wanted you to be able to rest without people bothering you." He moved his finger and leaned over to kiss me.

"Ella and the guys? You won't lose them. You couldn't lose them. Even if tomorrow I told them all you were leaving and they were forbidden to speak with you ever again, I imagine I would lose some very excellent friends and family." he smiled.

"The Morelli thing I can't help you with, because frankly I just don't care." he let out a laugh. I rolled my eyes at him and smiled.

"You say you don't want to be here but you never want to leave. Maybe you don't want to be here every second of every day but once you are feeling better you won't want to leave for too long." He suggested with a raised eyebrow. "Do you have any idea how it feels to hear you call out my name during your nightmares?"

I shook my head.

"It breaks my heart that I wasn't there for you right away and I let you down. At the same time I am glad it's my name that you are calling. I am having my own terrible time with the guilt." he looked away "This is not something you can take away from me, it's something that I hope will fade in time." he looked back to me.

His face got cold. "As far as Jeanne Ellen. I will find her again she will never go near you and I won't be turning her over to the police." he looked directly into my eyes. "Here's the truth and you may not want to hear it. I am not proud of how I treated women in the past. I was the king of the one night stands. I never met anyone I wanted more from, never even spent the night. I never was in a relationship with her. I was already trying to avoid her before I met you. When she came back to town after I met you she tried of course, but she didn't stand a chance because by then I was so far gone ruined for all other women by you." he smiled as he kissed my nose. "You are not weak, you are one of the strongest people I know. You always push through everything and you will push through this. I am here to support you any way that I can."

He rolled me onto my back and propped himself up on his arm staring at me. "Babe, I could never afford enough hazard pay to get you a babysitter." he smiled and I laughed.

"As far as wasting my days, did you ever consider I might like spending time with you?" Then he sat up and moved closer. He reached his arm around my body and held himself up above me.

"As far as my attention you always have it and never have to beg. Lunch huh? I am using my skills to try to disguise it. I couldn't resist picking the red panty set but then I decided that if I saw you wearing them I might lose control." He leaned down and gave my lips a quick kiss. "I'm really trying here Babe. I am trying to be the good guy. I am trying to give you the space you need. You know how I feel, how I felt before this all happened and how much deeper it has become nearly losing you." he leaned in for another kiss.

"The biggest issue from this whole conversation is" he bent and kissed me again but deeper.

"we both..." he kissed me again with more tongue.

"are having a very hard" he pressed against me and heat surged through my whole body. He meant it when he said very hard.

"time" he kissed me again longer than the last one

"avoiding what we both need." he stopped holding himself up and pulled me to my side.

His arm was around my neck and his other was wrapped around my waist holding my body against his. Suddenly he pulled back "Are you okay? Do you feel dizzy?" he asked while trying to find his breath. "Am I pushing you?"

I didn't answer him, instead I grabbed the back of his neck and pulled him into a deep kiss. His hand was on my ass pushing me against him. Then suddenly everything stopped, he pulled himself away from me and jumped out of the bed. "What's wrong?"

"I didn't want to do this, I am trying to be the good guy." he explained.

"What you were doing was very good." I smiled

"Don't look at me like that, you're making this so hard." he begged

"I can see that." I smiled looking down to his boxers.

"Damn it Babe." he whispered as he jumped back into the bed. I pulled him into me and he was kissing me again.

He removed my clothes without stopping our kiss. Laying next to him like this with our bodies pressed against each other it was like an inferno. He laid back and pulled my on top of him before finally pulling away. He grabbed both sides of my face and looked into my eyes. "Are you doing this because your emotions are overloaded right now?"

"No it's not my emotions that are overloaded." I pushed my body against him.

He kept my face in his hands. "Do you understand how much I love you?"

"Yes" I whispered.

He pulled my face back to his and kissed me more passionately than before. He gently moved me down until he was inside of me and then held me there just kissing me. I tried to move to push him in deeper. He pulled my face back. "Relax, this is going to be very slow. very gentle, and very good." He promised as he pushed himself up and continued to hold me tight against his body while moving underneath me.

Every part of our bodies were touching. He was holding me so tight against him I was sharing every breath with him. He held one arm around my upper back keeping my chest against his and one across my lower back to keep us pressed into each other. "You're ruining me." I whispered in his ear as I moaned out. My words seemed to have an effect on his as he moved deeper and slower inside of me. I felt like I could barely breath. He was just holding me against him doing all of the work from underneath me. I had never experienced something so powerful and passionate.

I felt like I was going to pass out from the pleasure. Every time he felt me coming close he would push my lower body so tightly against him, our friction could burn down a forest. I was moaning every time he pushed inside of me and losing control over and over again. Suddenly he pulled my head away from his shoulder and pushed the back of my neck towards him so he could kiss me. This was a hot, sexy, deep, passionate, mind-blowing, earth shattering kiss. I lost control and moaned into his mouth. He held me there moving faster and deeper. Then I felt him throb inside of me as his head turned pressing his cheek against mine and then he whispered. "Babe"

Ranger's phone woke me suddenly when it went off and he leaned over to the table to grab it. I rolled from his arms onto my side and looked out the window smiling at the sunlight. I stretched my hands above my head and he reached over and rubbed his hand against my neck as I moaned. I started to consider the ramifications of last night but then pushed them away to just focus on my happiness.

"Open it up, but move slowly, I need some time." he said before disconnecting. "Get dressed Babe, Morelli is at the entrance to the garage wanting to come for a visit."

"Shit!" I jumped straight up and immediately got dizzy. He quickly reached over and pushed my head down between my legs and rubbed my neck. "I'm okay." I assured him. "Can I just be in the shower when he comes in?"

He leaned over and hit the intercom. "I need you up here for Stephanie please."

"I'll be right there." Ella answered pleasantly

Soon I was in the shower with Ella sitting in the bathroom. Ranger had gotten dressed quickly and left the room. I didn't know what I was going to say to Joe. So many times I had given Joe a chance at a relationship but never Ranger. Maybe that's what I should do. But Joe had been the one to propose to me and offer me the commitment that I wanted first. How could I have done this to Joe? It wasn't fair to him at all. I was beating myself up for losing control with Ranger last night, but still I couldn't stop thinking it was the best I have ever had in my life.

By the time I finally got out of the shower I was sure he would be gone. I assured Ella I was fine and she could go. She said she would get breakfast started. I got dressed quickly and pulled a brush through my wet hair. When I got out of the bathroom I saw Morelli sitting at the kitchen table. He jumped up with a smile when he saw me and crossed the room to kiss my cheek and steer me towards the couch.

"Good Morning Cupcake." he said sitting down next to me.

"I have some things to do, I'll give you two some privacy. By the way Hal is picking up her new phone this morning, same number." Ranger said as he went into the bedroom.

"How are you feeling?" he asked taking my hand in his and turning his body to face me.

"Much better." I smiled

"Ranger said Bobby is coming up this morning to take a look at you. He said I could stay until Bobby had some news." he reached over and stroked my cheek.

"Breakfast." Ella announced as she came into the apartment.

"I'm starving thank you." I told her as she set out a tray of bagels, donuts, yogurt, oatmeal, bacon and fresh fruit. Since I was staying here she always made sure to bring my food choices as well as Rangers.

"Thank you." Joe said as he got up and grabbed a bagel. I walked over to the table to join him feeling secure on my feet, but a little sore from last night. We had moved slow and gently as he promised but it lasted a long time that way. "You are moving kind of slow" he remarked.

"I am trying to do everything on my own and not get nauseous. It still hits me when I get up fast but I am feeling better for the most part." What I said was mostly true.

"What are you doing to keep busy?" he asked me with a mouth full of bagel.

"Board games, card games, movies and whatever keeps me from being bored." Like having earth shattering mind numbing orgasmic sex with Ranger. Damn! I needed to stop thinking about it.

"Bob misses you." He looked at me with his puppy dog eyes.

" I know. I am dying to get back to life and see all of my friends and family. I nodded

"My boys are missing you." he said as he pulled me into a hug. "You're not going to puke on me are you?"

"I don't think so." I laughed

"Which category am I in? Friends? Family?" Joe asked

"Can we not go there right now please?" I asked as Morelly rolled his eyes.

"Excuse me. Bobby is on his way up." Ranger announced as he came over and grabbed a yogurt.

"What fun." I said sarcastically as I looked around at the three of us sitting together at Ranger's table. Everyone sat eating but no one spoke a word. The tension in the air grew with each passing moment. The most awkward breakfast in my life.

"Everything looks really great Steph. I understand you are still having the nausea when you move too fast. That should feel much better from here on out." He smiled looking over the tests he had just done as I sat on the bed. "I understand the nightmares are really bad."

I nodded and answered quietly "yes" so either Cal or Ranger had told on me, maybe both.

"I am going to prescribe you a different anti-anxiety medication to see if that helps. Other than that, you can get back to light duty. I still want you to take it easy. You are officially off of bed rest." he smiled. "I am serious Stephanie I am begging you to take it easy."

This was good news but I didn't feel so happy. "I guess this means I will have to leave Ranger's place now." I realized I had said that out loud.

"I doubt he will be in a hurry for that." Bobby stood and patted my leg.

"Thank you." I smiled

"I think you should follow me out unless you want them both to come in here." He said and I nodded in agreement as he took my hand and pulled me to my feet.

"So, what's the prognosis?" Joe asked when I came out into the living room where they were both standing up waiting to hear from Bobby.\.

"She is doing great. We are going to change up some meds but she is cleared for light duty." both men let out a relaxed breath and Joe reached out to hug me. I looked over his shoulder and saw Ranger forcing a smile.

"This is so great." Joe said pulling away from me to look in my eyes."Do you want the morning to pack up your things and I can come back later to pick you up and take you home?"

I thought for a moment and looked at Ranger as his smile faded. "Sure." I answered as I saw him squeeze his lips together tightly.

"I'll help you." Ranger said quietly as he headed for the bedroom.

"Call me when you're ready Cupcake." Joe said leaning in to kiss my forehead before he and Bobby walked out together. I went into the bedroom and found Ranger sitting on the bed.

"Every time he calls you Cupcake I want to either smash his face in or throw up. Maybe both. And what the hell? His boys miss you? Who says that? " he said staring off into space.

"You were listening?" he nodded "I'm sorry." I told him as I sat down beside him..

"You won't stay?" he asked looking into my eyes as I looked away.

"I need to go home and try to reclaim some of my independence." I explained as I got up to start gathering my things.

"And what about being alone?" he asked

"I need to push through this, I can't have someone beside me every second for the rest of my life." I told him as I pulled my bag from his closet.

Suddenly he was at my side. He put his hand under my chin and forced me to look up at him "And the nightmares?"

"Bobby said he was going to change up the meds and it would work." I assure him as I pulled away.

"Babe." he said and his tone made me flinch. I hated doing this especially after last night but I needed to get back my life and I needed to make this damn decision once and for all. Staying here with him wasn't helping me and it wasn't fair to Morelli. After last night I knew there would be no chance of resisting him again. Even if he was trying to be the good guy I knew it would happen again, and there was a huge part of me that wanted it to. I started gathering my things from the bathroom and he left the room.

When I came out of the bedroom with my bag I didn't see him in the living room or kitchen. Tank came through the front door. "Boss says to take you to your apartment. I will bring over anything you forget and he wants you to have this." he said as he took my bag and handed me a key fob.

"What is this?" I asked following him out of the apartment.

"Basically a panic button. If you feel in danger or you need one of us you just hit the button and someone will be there." He smiled as we got into the elevator and he pushed the button for the garage.

"We're not going to the control room to say goodbye?" I asked

"Ranger had work to do, he already left."

I let out a sigh and let Tank drive me home. He walked me to my door. "Lester already came over and dropped off some groceries and picked up your prescriptions." he told me before he left.

There was a knock on the door almost as soon as Tank closed it. "Here's your new phone." Hal told me handing me a phone. He then leaned in and gave me a quick awkward hug.

I sat down and looked around feeling like a stranger in my own place. This was the first time I had been alone in weeks. I saw Rex's cage on the counter reminding me of him and I was instantly hit with sadness. When I had woken up to find him in the deep sleep I couldn't bring myself to get rid of his cage even though it had been months. I went to my bedroom and unpacked my things and set them up in the bathroom.. I hadn't taken any of the clothes from his place.

I laid down on my bed and grabbed my phone. I sent a text to both Ranger and Joe alerting them I was home safe. Morelli texted back first saying he wished I waited for him. No response from Ranger. I looked out the window and saw a new Rangeman truck in my parking space where my old piece of crap VW bug had been. There was a knock on the door. I opened it to find Cal.

"Ranger said to give you these keys and he said to remind you to look through the peep hole before opening the door." He smiled handing me the keys to the truck.

"Thank you." I told him before he walked away.

I closed my door and I locked it. I was upset that Ranger hadn't texted me back and upset he hadn't said goodbye. He kept talking to me through his men. Maybe he was wrong when he said he could give a relationship a chance, maybe he was finding out it was easier to avoid things or run away when things get hard. I didn't want a man like that in my future. I guess because I decided to leave he must be done with me now. Better I find out this way than later. l tried to push visions of last night out of my mind. I went back to my room and changed from the Rangeman clothes into my own jeans and a t-shirt. I went to the kitchen and took the pills I was supposed to take. I decided to head out and do the rounds showing everyone I was okay now. I grabbed the keys from the table where I had set them and headed out the door.