St Edward and The Dragon

Disclaimer: I do not own, nor ever will, Fullmetal Alchemist or the characters within.


Chapter 11: Schism .n. 1.A separation or division into factions. 2. disunity, discord

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and though
We are not now that strength which in old days
Moved earth and heaven; that which we are, we are;
One equal temper of heroic hearts,
Made weak by time and fate, but strong in will
To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield.

Alfred, Lord Tennyson. 1842

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"Yes, I think he does." Roy held Al's gaze for a long moment after he spoke.

"Why?" Al sounded almost disgruntled at Roy's reply.

"Because nothing would ever make him hate or even dislike you," Roy said simply and confidently.

"It would be easier if he did hate me," Al muttered rebelliously.

"Maybe it would, but everything Edward did, he did because of you."

Al straightened up and his face twisted. "And those things he… he said earlier? He did them for me? That's just … No! I'd never ask anyone to …kill, or to … do … what he did to Mum! That's disgusting! I wouldn't want anyone to do any of that!" Al kept his voice low but he shook and as Hawkeye entered with the cold cloths, her eyebrows rose at Al's words.

"And this is why you need to talk to him, Al. To find out exactly what he meant, because I don't know about those instances." Roy nodded his thanks to Hawkeye as she handed him the cloth and placed it along the side of his face.

"You knew about… about…" Al blushed as he came to a stop unable to go on, his eyes flickering to Hawkeye as he took the cloth from her. Hawkeye looked from one to the other and sat down near Al, her face calm but her eyes bright with curiousity.

"I told you earlier that I guessed, Al." Roy looked at Hawkeye briefly and then at Al. He knew he couldn't send her out no matter how uncomfortable Al might feel. Hawkeye had been in the military a long time and had known the Elrics as long as he had. He doubted any of what she heard would honestly shock her.

"You should have told me." Al stared at him.

"No, he didn't want you to know. He didn't…"

"I don't care what he wanted!" Al hissed. "He's supposed to be my brother, I should have been told!"

"Al, he is your brother and he is the one who will tell you," Roy stated firmly.

"Will he? After what happened this morning, will he still tell me?"

"I think he will. Will you still want to hear it?"

Al's eyes flickered and his nervousness was evident in the shifting movement of his shoulders. "That's why I'm here," he said.

"And it scares you," Roy said as he leant back in his chair, shifting the coolness of the cloth over the heated bruise on his face. He saw Al's eyes widen and spoke before the youth could deny it. "I know it scares me."

"Huh?" Al stared at the General. There was nothing in either his face or voice to suggest Roy was humouring him and the dark eye stayed fixed on his.

"In the four years you and he searched for the Stone, I only saw Ed cry once. And that was at the very beginning. After that, if he ever cried again, I never knew. Only you would have known. Yet he's been crying in his sleep. Whatever is in those nightmares of his is worse than that night. And those nightmares aren't limited to his sleep, Al. He gets caught in one every time he blanks out on us. Because the nightmares are his memories. This is the first time he's slept since we brought him back and it's not been restful. Something happened to him and it's tearing him apart, Al. Something terrible enough that can make Edward Elric behave like this, is something that scares the hell out of me."

Roy turned his head to look at Ed. Even though Ed was calm now there was still tension in the sleeping body. Random tremors made his hands or his feet twitch and his eyes moved often beneath his eyelids.

"He said he had bad memories, he told us that," Al said with a frown. "And Brother's never cried much anyway. He always got angry rather than cry. I remember that from when we were kids." He looked over at his brother. The streaks he had noticed earlier were still there and he was aware now of the almost bruised look to the skin around those closed eyes. "How do you know he hasn't been sleeping?"

"Because for the last two nights he's sat in here."

"Why didn't you tell me?" Al demanded and Roy looked at him.

"Why weren't you aware of him leaving your room?" Roy asked gently and Al's hands fisted. "I didn't tell you because it wasn't necessary." Roy looked back at Ed. "In the old days you would have known. You would have known the moment he moved, you would have seen the signs and you would have confronted him about it. And he would have brushed it aside as he always did, thinking to keep you from worrying about him."

Al was silent. 'I don't remember' hovered at the back of his throat and he was very close to letting those words out, but… but it felt like an excuse. An excuse he had used once too often. He had been so focused on finding out what he couldn't remember that he had ignored everything else. Including his brother's state of mind. He couldn't even say he hadn't known about because he did know. He had seen it, he just hadn't wanted to admit that it was as important as his learning about the forgotten years. Maybe it was even more important, because if there was something wrong with his brother then Al was not going to get any answers.

He began to feel resentful again. Everything was deliberately conspiring to make him wait for his answers and he thought it unfair. Even he knew that it was stupid to think like that but he couldn't help it. This impatience kept pushing him and it was becoming tiresome, but he just couldn't seem to let go of it. 'I don't remember' and 'you should have told me' were becoming the phrases that came out before he could think.

"It feels like everything I ever was, was all because of him. You know me only because I was his brother. Without him, it wouldn't have mattered if I existed or not. You wouldn't have known, or cared. I remember growing up, I remember playing like kids are supposed to and I remember having a brother to share it all with. But then everything just stops. There's an empty place that I just can't get past. I thought I could be patient, now he was back, I thought I could wait but I can't."

"And if you don't like the answers?" Roy queried and Al felt his face flush. They were back at the beginning again.

"I have to hear them. Even if I don't believe, he does. I'll never find out the truth if I don't get his side of the story." Perhaps Al wasn't aware of just how ready to disbelieve anything that might be said he sounded, but Roy wasn't and he exchanged a quick look with Hawkeye.

"Then we'll wait for him to wake up," Roy remarked non-committally.


On a north-bound train, barely a day out of Central, a tall thin Major leant against a compartment wall near a large portable communications set. A Colonel was replacing the handset with a slow movement.

"There's something wrong, Stone," the Colonel said. "There's no reply again and Central says they can't get through either."

The Major twisted his fingers through the silver chain at his hip. Randall, Stone Alchemist, looked pensively at the other wall. "The last report said the approaching storm was going to be bad. Lines could be down because of that."

"Northern Command has never had a storm take out their lines before. And no storm moves that damned fast. Last night Briggs called it in and by this morning Northern Command is cut off as well? It's a full day's trip from North to Briggs and this storm did it in one night?"

"It does seem unusual," Stone remarked a faint frown creasing his forehead.

Colonel Lilk looked at his friend and almost sighed. "Nothing ever bothers you," he said with a shake of his head. "There's something strange going on. At the speed its travelling that storm could be in Central in two, maybe three days."

"That can't happen. Geography alone says that. And no storm would have the strength to last that long. You worry too much."

"Could alchemy be involved?"

"I doubt it. I can't think of anyone capable of doing alchemy on that scale. Try contacting them again in an hour. It's probably a fault somewhere and it's just coincided with that storm."

The Colonel did sigh. "Remind me again as to why I am always paired with you."

"Because no-one else wants me,' came the laconic reply.

"That's no surprise," Lilk muttered and lifted the handset again to call Central.


Edward drew a long breath and shifted on the sofa. He turned slightly as his eyes fluttered opened a fraction. He was still very tired and sleep was trying to pull him back into its dark silence but for some reason he was resisting it. His eyes opened further and he blinked through a haze to see Al looking at him. It took Ed a long a moment to realise that Al was staring back at him and that not only did his brother look rather unhappy, there was also a large red patch on one side of his face.

Ed shifted and his eyes caught on the dark haired man in the other chair. His breath caught and he pulled back, pushing himself into the back of the sofa. Memories lifted out of the haze of his mind and he had to grip the cushions hard before he could see past them again. His heart pounded even as he felt himself shake but he forced himself upwards as he saw the bruise shadowing Mustang's face. He looked back at Al.

"Did you two fight?" he croaked slightly, his voice rough and still heavy with tiredness.

"No, you're responsible for my bruises, Fullmetal," Mustang replied smoothly. He saw the wariness in Edward and stayed where he was.

"I hit you?" The black eyes widened for a brief moment before Ed recollected himself. "I should have done that years ago." Mustang smirked slightly at the almost to be expected response. Ed turned back to Al and studied the red mark. "Did I do that? I'm sorry Al…"

"No!" Al spoke loudly and abruptly and then stopped short. He took a deep breath and met the surprised look on Edward's face. "No, you didn't do it and you don't need to apologise to me. I… I should probably be apologising to you."

Ed's eyebrows rose high and he stared at Al. His head began to shake. "No, you don't need to do that either. This… it's…" Ed let his breath out. "Things are so different for us both now and we just need to find a way through it, that's all."

"I guess so. I want to ask, I want to know but…I haven't been thinking of you at all. I've only been thinking about me." Al hated saying the words, but felt he had to say them. He could feel Hawkeye looking at him and just knew that she would rebuke him later if he didn't say anything.

Ed's lips turned up slightly. "It makes a change for you to be selfish. Everyone always said I was the selfish one." He kept his words light. Al was having a difficult time and it was showing very plainly on his troubled face. His own state of mind wasn't settled either and it was an effort to keep himself focused. Getting that bit of sleep had been beneficial, but he needed more and he knew it. He could feel it behind every breath, every movement, every thought carried the pain he couldn't escape from yet. And he didn't think he ever would.

But Al was in front of him and silently demanding things that were going to exacerbate that hurt and he didn't know how he was going to be able to control himself. He closed his eyes for a moment. It was another kind of hurt to think he had to be so careful around his own brother. That felt so wrong. Al had been the only person he had been able to be completely open with. Even with…him, there had been secrets he had kept and not shared. But Al, he never had to hide things from Al and when he had, Al had always found out or he had told him. Perhaps he shouldn't try and control himself now, perhaps what he needed to do, not only for Al but himself was to say exactly what he thought. He had always had the reputation of speaking without thinking. Maybe he should re-claim that. Two years of being careful with his words had led to betrayal.

"Let's get some coffee and talk, Al."

"I'll get it," Hawkeye said as she stood up. "If you will assist, General." Mustang blinked. That had been no question even though it had been phrased as one. It had been an order pure and simple and Ed chuckled briefly as Mustang rose to his feet.

"Keep that up and you'll get milk in your coffee, Fullmetal," he said sternly and Ed smirked.

"Don't even try it, bastard." Despite the uneasiness he felt at the likeness, it was easier to slip into the old way of replying than it had been. He watched them leave the room but he was under no illusions that they would stay there until he and Al had finished speaking. They would return and in a way he did owe the bastard the truth. He looked at Al and found himself without words. Just where do I start?

Al watched as Ed sat up straight, pushing his hair away from his face and then reaching around to retie it back properly. He didn't know what to do. The others had gone and Ed was here and willing to answer whatever he wanted and he couldn't think of anything to say. It seemed callous and uncaring to start with what Ed had said this morning. He needed something lighter, something less hurtful and then realised there was nothing. It was all going to be painful to some extent because he couldn't remember and they did.

"This… you said… you said you'd tell me," Al said before the pause became too heavy and his small burst of courage disappeared.

"I said that and I meant it." Ed looked at his gloved hands and then at his brother.

"When we were growing up, you wouldn't tell me things. You'd get angry and go running off and I'd have to chase after you."

"Or we'd end up by the river because you'd go sulking there. I always told you eventually. It was too hard to keep things from you." Ed pulled the glove from his automail and held it up. "Getting this attached hurt. It hurt like hell but you were outside the door when Winry and Pinako did the surgery so I couldn't make a sound. It aches in the cold weather, it gets heavy when I'm tired and you always promised you'd get my real limbs back. Just as I always promised to get your body back."

"I didn't keep my promise." Al looked at the metal hand. He had seen the automail during the long months of Ed's stay in the hospital but he watched it now with different eyes. It moved, the fingers flexed and the wrist turned with an ease and naturalness despite its hard appearance. "You kept yours. Everyone's always said that. I should have been able to do the same for you."

Ed swallowed and his forehead creased. "You did keep your promise, Al." Images of those moments in that underground city when he had found himself whole and alive came back to him. "You gave me back my limbs. I was whole again." Ed paused and was aware of Al leaning forward, questions and nerves alike slipping across his face. He was aware of Mustang and Hawkeye appearing at the door. "But I couldn't accept the price so I drew the arrays I used back on the night we tried to bring Mum back."

"What price?" Mustang walked forward and spoke carefully when Al seemed unable to speak.

"Al was the price. For me to be whole, it cost Al everything." Ed's strange black eyes never left those of Al's even as he replied. "I died Al, and you used the Stone to bring me back. You brought me back and I was whole and I was alive, but you were gone. The Gate took you and the Stone and I was left behind. I couldn't accept that so I used the arrays to get you back. I didn't know what would happen and I didn't care what the price was, I just wanted my brother back. Just as you had been prepared to do anything to get me back, so I did the same for you. I didn't know I wasn't going to see you again, I didn't know it would cost you your memories."

Al listened to the accented voice, the words slipping through his head as he tried to understand them. He didn't know how to react to what Ed was saying. He was finally hearing what he had wanted to know and all he could do was listen to the words and feel empty inside. Because he had no memories, and all he was getting were the words. It was only now that he realised he had been hiding behind another deeper, unspoken hope. That his memories would return with the words. That his brother's voice would unlock all he didn't remember.

"So…I am like this because of you?" Al asked almost blankly as he tried to find something inside that would make the words real.

"I…I don't know, but it's possible," Ed replied, flinching slightly at the almost accusatory words. "The Gate doesn't use Equivalent Exchange the same way we do, if it uses it at all." Ed stopped not sure what to say next. The pale stiffness of Al's face worried him and he had no idea what he was thinking. Al had always been so expressive that this stone-faced youth was a stranger to him. He had a quick look at Mustang and Hawkeye and saw they were watching Al as well. Ed took a breath and spoke, saying the first thing that came to mind.

"For a long time I thought you hated me for putting you in the armour. If I hadn't insisted on us trying, none of this would have happened. I always thought it was my fault. I only lost an arm and leg, you lost everything. I tried so many times to ask you but I could never get the courage up until there was a time when you ran off and got caught up with Scar. You said then that you could never hate me, but back then I guess we thought we'd always be together."

"Al was with Scar?" Mustang asked.

"Yes," Ed said abruptly before he elaborated. "It was just after that Lab 5 time. Al and I had a fight and he ran off and ended up helping Scar with some of the refugees in hiding."

"Scar nearly killed the pair of you. How could you help him?" Hawkeye asked.

"Because Al wasn't a State Alchemist and because even Scar knew the value of compassion," Ed replied.

"I've heard of Scar," Al suddenly said. "I read that he killed State Alchemists."

"Yes he did," Hawkeye responded before Ed could. "There was an incident in East City and then he disappeared. It was thought he had died."

"He went to Central and he was there at Lab 5 as well."

"You didn't tell anyone about that," Mustang said.

"No. Scar helped us despite my being an enemy in his eyes. Al said it was because Scar had once had a brother as well. Scar did nothing to threaten us or anyone else at that time, but someone knew he was there. The military set a trap for him and they had no qualms at using little kids to do it. I didn't trust the military at the best of times, I wasn't about to say anything. He didn't deserve it."

"He was wanted by the State, Edward," Hawkeye stated firmly. "Killing State Alchemists can not be tolerated no matter the justifications for it."

"And the State didn't do the same when it went trampling into Liore?" Ed looked at her.

"Liore cost the lives of seven thousand soldiers, Edward. Scar's actions there were deplorable and inhuman and if you hadn't put up that barrier a lot more soldiers would have perished."

"He saved the people of Liore. He got them out of the city and if the military had listened to me, there would have been no soldiers in there either. But that wasn't acceptable because they needed to have people in there and so I was ignored."

"You ran away after Liore, Edward."

"If I had stayed, Al and I would have died. I wasn't supposed to have put up that barrier, Hawkeye. The more dead the better."

Al watched them talking. Everything he was hearing was doing nothing but raising more questions. Hawkeye had been right when she had told him that only Edward could tell him what he wanted to know. He was telling things they didn't know. How many secrets were there? But he still couldn't relate the words to himself. It was the same feeling he had had when he had looked over the old reports or listened to their stories. It was like hearing about someone else, only this time it was worse, because that was his brother and none of it felt real.

"That array at Liore created the Stone, Hawkeye. The Fuhrer knew that and he knew that human beings were needed to create it. I don't think it mattered to them who died, as long as enough did." Ed took a deep breath and looked at Al. "You were in Liore when the array was activated. There was another alchemist there and he… he turned you into a living bomb. You told me that Scar killed him but was badly hurt. Scar hit the array and you were caught up in it. You became the Stone, Al."

Al felt Roy and Hawkeye stiffen but all he could see were the black eyes of his brother. I was the Stone? A bomb? What does he mean? None of this makes sense. Why isn't this making sense? I want this to make sense! I want to remember this!

"I want to remember." Al shook his head. "I want to remember all of this! But I can't! There's nothing there!"

"Al," Ed said as he leant forward. "There's no hurry for this." He shot a quick glance towards Mustang before he continued. "I'm not going anywhere."

"And what if I never remember any of it?" Al demanded. "Then what? I'll have this gap forever. All the words and stories aren't going to make it real for me."

"What do you want me to do, Al? I can't return your actual memories to you. I can tell you what we did, where we went. But there are also things that I don't know about. There were times when we were separated and although you told me some of what happened, I'm sure there's stuff you never mentioned."

"So you're saying that neither of us is going to know everything?" Al shook his head and his lips twisted. "That would still be better than the nothing I have at the moment!"

"No-one ever knows everything. Even if all your memories returned now there would still be things we don't know. And even then you'd probably see things different to me anyway. We don't all remember the same way."

"Ed, Brother, all I want is something. It's as if I didn't exist for those four years. No matter how much I get told it just never seems real."

"You did exist, you were real. Not once were you anything but real to me," Ed asserted, his shoulders twitching. He didn't think it the right time to tell Al of the previous time he had questioned his own existence.

"Then why is it so hard to believe you?" Al almost complained as he stared at Ed. "I remember what it was like to research and work out all those theories and then find out they didn't go the way they were supposed to when we tried them out. We used to believe they'd always work and we were always disappointed when they didn't and we'd go back and research harder. But now it's like what you tell me should be like those theories and I should believe them even without having any practical experience or memory of them. And I can't." Al twisted his fingers together. "All you said just now and all you said this morning… I just can't stop doubting it. Like I understand that it is possible for you to have died and come back because of the Stone, I can see the logic of that. But I just can't believe it!"

Ed frowned and swallowed hard. "Is it because you can't feel anything when I tell you things, or is it because I'm the one telling you?"

Al scrunched his face up. "I don't know!"

"I won't lie to you, Al. We are brothers and no matter what else happened, nothing ever changed that. Nothing ever made us forget that."

Except that I have forgotten it. Al suddenly straightened up as the thought swirled through him. "That's exactly what I have forgotten! We were brothers but now I don't feel that connection anymore. It's like you're a childhood friend I grew up with."

Ed felt himself go cold. He hadn't expected Al to feel that disconnected from him. He hadn't thought the loss of their close bond would mean the end of their brotherhood.

"No." Ed sat up straighter and leant forward. "We are more than just those four years. Just because you can't remember part of our lives does not mean we are not brothers. From the moment you were born you've been at my side. We've fought and argued, but we have never denied being brothers. When everything else disappeared, we always had that."

"Not any more. We grew up together, we shared everything. But that last memory of the array flaring and someone screaming is where it ends for me. The next moment someone is telling me who I am and asking where you are. I didn't even know I'd lost those years at first." Al's eyes were suddenly clear and the coldness inside Ed settled heavier into his chest. "I've spent two years trying to find you and trying to remember. I thought that it would all be alright when you came back. I thought I just needed to be patient like everyone told me and it would all return. But that's not going to happen. What I've forgotten is what should link the children we were to the people we are now. That link has gone. It doesn't exist."

"I think you're wrong," Ed stated as firmly as he could. "I remember those screams. They were mine. I watched you disappear and I screamed for you. You were gone but I got you back and then two years ago you were gone again and I got you back again. Do you think I would let you go a third time?" Ed pushed as much conviction into his words as he could. Right at this moment, his need to be free to seek the oblivion he wanted was subjugated by his equally powerful need to ensure his brother's happiness.

"You've already let me go," Al's voice was strangely calm and Ed stared at him confused. "For two years while I searched everywhere for you, you found others to take my place. And when you returned, when you woke up you didn't know me. You were like I am now. Only you were worse because you didn't care. And you don't even remember it."

"I never forgot you when I was over there!" Ed protested. "All I wanted to do was get back here. I don't know, I can't even begin to understand why I can't remember those six months that you can. And if the Gate was involved it's unlikely we'll ever find out! But what I can do, what I am doing is to try and fill those blank spots for you."

Mustang and Hawkeye watched the two of them. Both were pale and both were intent upon the other. Mustang realised they had long forgotten that he and Hawkeye were here and he kept quiet as they continued. The memory of Ed's wish to leave hovered at the back of his mind and he had seen the quick look Ed had given him earlier. He wasn't about to say anything, not with Al in the state he was at the moment. Al was behaving decidedly irrationally and Roy wondered at it. He had been so calm up until today. No matter what Edward had done or said he had seemed able to cope with it, but this morning had torn that peace to shreds and Roy could see it getting worse the more they spoke.

Hawkeye watched Al. There was something in him now. A certainty, a calmness he had lacked earlier. Over the last six months she had seen the self-control he had exerted. He had seemed just as she remembered him. Calm and unflustered by whatever mess his brother had gotten himself into. Just like the old days. But now there was a different Al there. Somewhere he had come to a decision, to a conclusion and in the stubborn unyielding Elric manner he was holding to it.

"You're willing to tell me now, but until this morning you said nothing." Al's eyes glittered. "I know I pushed you but you pushed back just as hard. You didn't even want to be near me. You said all those things and made me feel at fault for it. You hit me and you didn't even care, I don't think you even saw me. You were seeing them again."

Ed's breath caught, his chest tightening as his mind wobbled. "Whenever I hit you, you always hit me back," Ed managed to say. "This morning...this morning I was tired. I didn't want to tell you because I knew it would hurt you and it did. After that I couldn't face either you or the other questions I knew you had. I saw the disgust on your face, Al. You didn't like what I said, you didn't want to believe it." His eyes flickered. "I can not… I will not make up some nice little story for you, Al."

"Any one would be disgusted. You dropped all of that on me. Did you think I would just accept it?"

"I don't know. You wanted to know and I told you."

"And then you walked out and left me behind. Roy knew more than I did!" Al said accusingly and Ed flinched at the name.

"He guessed," Ed said as his back tensed. He recalled their long night's talk and he clamped down hard.

"And I didn't. How was I supposed to guess that? Men don't marry other men! You said it wasn't allowed when I asked you once about that ring. That's what you meant wasn't it? That being with another man was wrong."

"It wasn't wrong to us," Ed gritted his teeth as a wave of pain swept across him. He was losing his balance again. Deciding to be open and honest with Al was not going the way he had expected. Al wasn't content to just listen. Al wanted more than just memories from him and Ed didn't know what it was.

"It couldn't have been right if he betrayed you. If your Roy could do something like that." Al spoke the words and Ed couldn't believe he had heard them. They went straight through him and he slipped off the couch falling to his knees, arms wrapping around his ribs.


"Why are you doing this, you bastard?" Ed spun past the pillar avoiding Roy's kick and twisting back to strike the taller man with a quick stabbing punch to his ribs.

"I told you. This is for my future, for the future of the Fatherland."

"That damned Dressler. It won't work, plans like that never succeed."

"Oh I was in it long before Dressler, Ed."

Ed panted hard as he dodged another kick but hissed as the follow-up jab struck at his side. "What are you talking about?"

"I've known about you since the beginning. You and your father." Roy stopped moving and stared at the distraught blond. "You were our targets all along. Making you think you were being hunted and then taking you into hiding. It was all planned out."

"And us?"

"No-one planned for that," Roy replied. "But once it did, I used it to keep you with me. If anything had happened to you, everything would have been lost. Your father was necessary as well. Keeping you safe, kept him controlled."

"Did you really love me?"

"You should know the answer to that one," Roy said as he moved forward again and Ed ignored the burning in his ribs and soul as he turned to kick Roy again.


"Stop it, Al!" Ed ground out as images burned through him and he had to clench his hands tight. He could feel sweat on his forehead and he struggled against the rising wave of memory. "Fuck, this hurts!"

"See how unfair this is? You can hurt, you can feel and I can't. Words don't mean anything if there's nothing behind them." Al's face was pale, unnaturally calm as he looked at his kneeling brother. "You can tell me everything and it means nothing!" Al's voice lowered and he shook briefly. "You want to know what really hurts here, Brother? It's that you can talk about what happened to us and everything we did so calmly and controlled and yet the mention of his name makes you fall apart. That's when I know what hurting means."

"You think this is something to envy? Being able to feel like this? Knowing that that one word is going to tear open every scar I have? You have a gap, you have a time that you can't remember. Do you know how much I want not to be able to remember? How much I want to forget him? You may have forgotten that four years but they were honest years. We set out to do something and we did it, despite all it cost us. I have never regretted them." Ed took a deep breath as the words tumbled through his mind. "But I regret him. I regret that I ever knew him, I regret falling in love with him and I sure as hell regret trusting him."

Mustang held himself back, resisting the urge to move forward and lift Edward up from the floor. The pain in Edward was almost physical in its intensity. The memories he had seen Edward get lost in were behind the words he spoke. Ed's self-control was paper thin now he realised as the blond began to lift his head. His face was tight and his black eyes slipping in and out of focus.

"Feeling like this is a living nightmare, Alphonse. Two years ago I found myself in a place where there was no alchemy, no automail and no you. All I had there was Dad, that old bastard. Only with him could I even mention your name. I nearly killed him when he told me I could never return here. You want to feel like this? Nothing in our four years ever hurt this bad. Betrayal back then was something we could use to make ourselves stronger. We used everything we could because we were going to succeed." Ed straightened up further and his breath was shaky as he looked at his brother. "You want to feel this? I'd rather be dead than ever have you feel like this."

Hawkeye swallowed and looked from one brother to the other. It was painful to watch. Ed looked as if he was tearing himself apart a single strip at a time with every word. She had never seen him brought so low. Nothing compared to pain she could almost see radiating from him. And Al seemed to be the only one unaffected by it. He sat there almost impassive as Ed seemed unable to get higher. But she could see the pulse at the side of his throat and knew he wasn't as indifferent as he was appearing.

"Being dead would solve everything, wouldn't it? You wouldn't feel anything and I'd be like this forever," Al said slowly, unable to stop the words coming from him. Ed was hurting he could see that. And he was just making him hurt more. "This is the real betrayal, isn't it? You're going to deny me the right to feel anything you didn't want me to feel."

"No!" Ed denied it and was stopped from saying more as Al stood up.

"I don't want to stay here anymore," Al said and looked away from Ed to Roy.

"No!" Ed cried and stood up, nearly falling as his knees buckled. He reached out and Al stepped away from his hand. Mustang and Hawkeye stood up as well and exchanged quick and worried glances.

"This hurts, doesn't it Edward," Al said carefully. "All I wanted was you and my memories. I didn't think I would get one without the other. I just never realised that I would end up with neither."

"I am here," Ed whispered as his throat closed at the look on Al's face.

"But you're not here for me," and Al turned away as Ed froze.

"You can stay with me," Hawkeye said quietly as she met the hazel eyes. They abruptly filled and Al frowned, his face scrunching up as he refused to lift his hand up to wipe at them. He left the room and she shared another look with Roy.

"I'll keep him safe."

Ed looked at her, his eyes sunken and his face bleak. "I want my brother back," he whispered, his voice breaking.

"You'll get him back, Edward." She smiled at him and he tried to smile back but failed miserably. Roy moved a step closer but kept his distance.

"Let me know if you have any problems, Riza."

"I will. And I will expect you in the office tomorrow."

"I'll be there." Roy smiled slightly and then it disappeared as Al appeared in the doorway, suitcase in hand.

"Thank you Roy for everything," he said in a stilted voice, looking straight ahead and avoiding Ed.

"Take care Al. You know where we are if you need us." Roy spoke deliberately and saw Al flinch.

"Thank you," Al nearly mumbled and turned away. Hawkeye followed him and only when the door closed firmly behind them did Ed drop back down onto his knees and wish that he had done everything differently.


It was a short drive to Hawkeye's apartment and Al stayed silent the whole way there. He stared out the window and his shoulders shook occasionally. Something had gone horribly wrong back there and he couldn't figure out where. He had hurt his brother, he had thrown everything back in his face and he just didn't know why. He had denied them even being brothers anymore and it was starting to hurt.

He stumbled up the stairs in a daze and when Hawkeye led him into her apartment he stood in the middle of the room as she took his case from him. He stared unseeing as the tears he had refused to let fall earlier overflowed. His hand lifted and gripped at his shirt and he twisted the material hard.

"Al?"

"I betrayed him. I told him he wasn't my brother." The words were a rapid monotone. "I hurt him because I wanted to know that I could. Because they hurt him and I can too. I don't know why I did that. Why did I do that? Why did I have to do that?"

"Al, come and sit down."

"What did I do wrong? Why was I so mean to him? Why isn't he my brother?" Al shook as his voice rose. "Why does it hurt so much now?" His voice broke and he fell to his knees in front of her. "Hawkeye, am I so bad?" he whispered before he covered his face and began to cry properly.

Hawkeye knelt down and wrapped her arms around him. "You're not bad, Al," she murmured as she felt him hold on and cry harder. It took a long time before they moved from the floor and she managed Al get into the spare bed and then sat beside him, because he refused to let go of her hand as he fell asleep.


Mustang looked at the young man kneeling on his floor and stepped over to sit on the couch near him. He ignored the flinch Edward gave at his proximity and settled into the chair. He stayed silent as Edward kept his eyes firmly fixed on the carpet.

"I did it all wrong." Edward suddenly spoke and Mustang looked at him.

"I don't think there was a right way," he replied.

"I could leave now," Edward said thoughtfully and Mustang stiffened.

"You'd give up so easily?" he queried, hiding his dismay.

"There's nothing to give up. I can't do anything and we all know it. He doesn't even see me as his brother anymore."

"You've had arguments before."

"Not like this." Ed looked at his hands. "It's as if we both had preconceived ideas of how this should go and it didn't and we just made things worse trying to get out of it." He sighed and dragged his hand over his face. "I'm just so fucking tired," he murmured as his head dropped back down again.

"More sleep would probably help," Mustang said easily. "Although I hope it's less unsettled this time."

Ed looked up and his eyes scanned the bruise. "I'm sorry," the words slipped out before he could stop them.

"Don't be. I know it's hard for you to be here with me because of him, but I am not him." Mustang stood up and extended his hand to Edward. "You were under my command for four years, Fullmetal and apart from the brief moment in the car that last day we never openly acknowledged that we both understood what pain and purpose meant. So I tell you again, I do understand it and I know that it hurts like hell. So get up off the floor, get some sleep and help me find a way to make you stay here. Because that takes more courage than leaving ever does."

The black eyes stared at him and he waited.


"Hohenheim," Ed said with a heavy sigh as he looked at the tall man in the doorway.

"Edward."

"You'd better come in," Ed said without inflection as he turned away and headed to the kitchen. He heard the door close and careful footsteps followed him. He busied himself with boiling water as his father sat at the table and looked around.

"Herr Pferd isn't here?"

"No. Roy went out to give us some privacy."

"That was considerate of him."

"Yes, it was," Ed replied as he brought over the coffee. "He'll be back later, if you're still here."

Old gold eyes met vibrant young ones. "We're not ones for small talk, Ed. I won't waste my breath or yours by pretending otherwise. You want to know why I came." Hohenheim sipped his coffee as Ed nodded.

"Of course. It's been over a year and I've had two, three letters from you in all that time. We agreed that any contact between us would be minimal. It hasn't really been long enough for people to stop looking for us, especially if they're determined."

"I know and although no-one has said anything, I still get the feeling of being followed occasionally. But that's beside the point. This is too important for you not to be told."

"What is?"

"I may have found a way to open the Gate from this side."

Ed stared at the old man, his eyes wide and his heart thumping. "How?"

"With alchemy."

Ed was stunned. He had given up thinking of going home, of trying to configure an array that would do the impossible. "It can't be done," he stated flatly.

"I think it can. There's a group of people interested in the arcane sciences, like alchemy, and they are convinced they have found a way to make it work here."

"How do you know this is true?" Ed asked, trying to work through the shock.

"They got in touch with me a few months back and from what they said, there is a method to make it work that they claim they found in some very old manuscripts. I'm still a bit sceptical and they have invited me here to prove it to me."

"When are you seeing them?"

"Tonight."

"I want to come too."

"No. I don't want them to know about you. If there's something wrong with this, I do not want you caught in it."

"I know how to take care of myself, old man. I've been doing it for quite a few years now," Ed retorted and they stared at each other.

"I know, and I'm not saying you can't take care of yourself." Hohenheim frowned. "There's something that worries me about this and I'd rather know that you were completely out of it."

"If it worries you then why are you doing this? Do you really think they can make alchemy work here?"

"The theory they sent me seems feasible, although there are some strange references in the material."

"I want to see it."

"No. You have a life here, Edward. If there is trouble, I'd rather you were kept safe."

"I know that living… here, working with Alfons – and I haven't forgiven you for not telling me about his looks either, has given me a place here. But it's not home, nothing will ever replace that. You can't deny me the chance to look at this research."

"You're content here. Stay here and stay contented."

Ed stared at his father before he sighed. "I accept that this is how it will be. Whether Alfons' rockets hold an answer or not, I have accepted being here." He shrugged. "If you want to call that contentment you can."

"I do. You've found something here and you don't want to lose it. I don't want you to lose it." Hohenheim leant forward. "Do what I never had the courage to do." Ed frowned slightly at the earnest sound of Hohenheim's voice.

"Stay."


Edward looked back at his hands and slowly lifted the right one. He placed it in Roy's hand with a drawn out breath and let himself be pulled up. He looked into the dark eye.

"This doesn't mean I'm going to stay," he said rebelliously. "I'm just tired."

"Of course," Mustang said blandly and Edward almost glared at him. "I'll wake you in a couple of hours for dinner."

Ed grunted and pulled his hand free before leaving the room and heading up the stairs. He went to the bathroom and stared at his streaked face before wiping it clean and going into his bedroom. He paused in the doorway and looked at the half opened drawers. Al hadn't closed them in his rush to leave and Ed had to swallow past the lump in his throat.

Every time he thought he had reached a new height of pain something always showed him how little he knew. While this didn't hurt as much as Roy's betrayal did, this hurt him in places he hadn't expected. This struck right at the basis of who he was. Al had defined him for those years. Everything had been for Al. With the bond gone he had still known that. But Al didn't have that knowledge and because of that everything was all wrong.

He looked at his bed. Apparently he'd slept there before he'd moved into... before when he'd been in that half-dead state that he didn't understand and didn't want to think too deeply about yet. He hadn't slept in it the last two nights and he wasn't going to sleep here now, not without Al there. He would take the couch again, except … Mustang was down there. He opened the other doors along the passage and puffed his breath out as he stood in the doorway to Mustang's room. Apparently he had slept in that bed. He chewed at his bottom lip. It was the only other bed. With a muffled curse he entered the room and dragged the covers down. He paused for a long moment before he almost jumped into it and pulled the covers up.

He took a careful breath, irrationally expecting to smell Roy's scent on the sheets, but there were no spicy aftershave aromas here. In fact there was no smell at all and Edward realised it was because Mustang hadn't slept in his bed for the last two nights either. He had spent them on the couch with Edward.

Edward almost sank with relief into the pillows and turned onto his side. "So damned tired. Sorry, Al," he muttered as his eyes closed.


Roy Mustang put the phone down with a frown and began to climb the stairs. No-one had been able to get through to Northern Command all day and there were reports of a huge storm clouds hanging over the area. Tomorrow was going to busy as they tried to figure out what was happening. Maybe he could persuade Edward to come in with him. It would give him something to distract him from all the other problems. Although he knew Ed would see what he was trying to do.

His eyebrow rose as he looked into the empty bedroom and he turned automatically to his room. The golden head nearly buried under the covers and the slow rhythmic breathing drew him closer and he looked down at the sleeping man. He was reluctant to wake him, but dinner was nearly ready. His hand hovered over the blanket-clad shoulder.

"Dinner can wait. Sleep as long as you need, Edward," he murmured and pulled his hand away and left the room as quietly as he had entered.

Edward opened his eyes and blinked slowly. He thought he had heard Mustang's voice but a look around revealed an empty room. He ran a hand through his hair. He must have imagined it. His sleepy eyes studied the clock. He'd slept for a few hours and he could hear noises from downstairs suggesting that Mustang was in the kitchen. He thought about staying here and going back to sleep but his stomach reminded him he hadn't eaten since breakfast.

And if he got out of here now the bastard would never know he'd been sleeping in his bed. He stretched and got out of the bed slowly. A glint of silver caught his eye and he walked over to the bureau against the wall. Mustang's State watch was there and Ed looked at it. He'd rarely seen it although he had known that Mustang always kept it in his pocket. It was worn and smooth. Not like his that had been dented and scratched. He ran his fingers over the engraved lines, barely feeling them with his flesh fingers. He took his hand back as he realised what he was doing and left the room.

He began to walk towards the stairs when he stopped and went back to the room he was supposed to have shared with Al. With a hesitant step he entered and went to the dresser. He pushed in the opened drawers and then stared at it for the longest moment.

He took a deep breath and opened one of the other drawer. He pushed aside the single shirt and looked at the small bag laying there. He wasn't sure why he had suddenly felt the need to check on it and he looked over his shoulder almost certain he had felt someone there. He lifted out the bag and let its contents fall into his left hand. The wedding ring – his wedding ring, glinted at him and he swallowed as he let it drop back into the drawer before looking at the other item from the bag. A slender band, a bracelet of a snake eating its own tail. The metal was cold even through his glove and he shivered slightly.

Can you feel it now, Edward?

Edward went still as the words echoed in his head. He looked at the slender band in his hand and his fingers tightened around it as the voice spoke again.

Your brother's gone now.

Edward stiffened and his breath caught. He had to force his ribs to relax before he could breathe again.

I'm coming for you.


Ulysses: Lord Alfred Tennyson (1809-1892)

Author's Note: A year ago I posted the first chapter of this dragon and I have become very fond of the irritable, stubborn and downright frustrating beast. Being able to indulge my love of poetry along with tormenting Ed has been a great pleasure.

Thank you to everyone for supporting this beast. I really have no words to express my gratitude and appreciation for the way you put up with both this dragon and me.

And a special thank you to Spirix who recommended this poem.

silken :)