Chapter 12
Mr. Sir told me that I would be released in four weeks. I was happy, but also sad, but also relieved. I hadn't talked to Ricky since Monday, which was difficult since we were in the same tent, sleep right next to each other. He left me alone, though.
Stanley was sort of neutral, so I had inside information on what was going on with Ziggy and X-Ray. X-Ray had decided that since he had known Ricky the longest, he should be loyal to his buddy. I had no objections, because that meant I could be alone most of the time.
I sat outside of the mess hall, playing cards by myself, which was some-what impossible. Stanley walked over to me.
"Hey, Zell." I looked up.
"Stanley." He sat down next to me and took the cards out of my hands, shuffling them so that he could play. He eyed me as he mixed the cards.
I looked up angrily. "What?"
He looked down quickly. "Nothing." He sighed and looked back up. "Zella? If I tell you something, don't get mad, alright?"
I nodded. "Alright…"
He sighed and put the cards down. "Zig-Zag's really sorry."
I shook my head and stood up, Stanley right behind me.
"Zell! He had to! He knew that Ryan was going to... try something." I walked back to the tent in a huff, Stanley right on my tail.
I stopped and turned around. "I don't care. He played me. This was just some bet to him! And the worst part." I sighed. "He made the bet with Ryan."
I turned around, but Stanley grabbed my hand. "Zell, he's a mess. He… he had a panic attack on Tuesday."
I turned around furiously. "What?"
He shook his head. "He didn't want to tell you, because he knew you were still really mad at him."
My eyes widened and I looked toward the Dining Hall.
I pushed the doors open and stomped inside. Everyone stopped and stared once they saw I was headed for Ziggy.
He was laying his head down on the table when I looked at him. "What the hell is your problem?"
He shot up like a firework and turned around. "Zella?"
I shook my head. "Why didn't you tell me you had a fucking panic attack on Tuesday?"
He stood up as I continued to yell at him. "First you pretended that you cared about me, just to get in my fucking pants and win a bet, then you don't tell me you had a fucking panic attack."
He looked down, ashamed as I cursed at him. "You act like I was never even your friend! Like I don't care about you!"
Stanley grabbed my arm, trying to hold me back. "No! Stop!" I pushed him off of me. I looked at Ricky.
"Just tell me one thing." I stopped, tears now running down my face. "Were we ever really friends? Or did you fake that too?"
He looked up at me. I saw them. His eyes. All the hurt, and pain, and regret.
He nodded. "Of course. Zella, I did-"He stopped. "I do care about you. He was going to hurt you Zell. He's the biggest perv here and I couldn't let that happen." He stepped toward me, his hair going in different directions. "I couldn't let that happen, because I was already in love with you."
I held my breath. "What?" I squeaked out.
He nodded. I shook my head. "No. No you aren't."
He nodded more. "Yes I am."
I stepped back. "No. You can't be. I'm… I'm a mess, and I'm a horrible person."
He put his hands on my back. I put mine on his chest. "No. No. You can't be. No."
He was leaning in. I pushed him back. "I don't love you!"
I shook my head and ran toward the showers to hide. I left him there, shocked and empty handed.
I sat there, crying. Just crying. Stanley found me. He sat down next to me, and I crumbled into his arms.
"You don't love him." He asked, holding me.
I shook my head. "I am! So much in love with him."
He pulled me back to look in my eyes. He smiled a little. "You are."
I hugged him harder. "He can't love me. He can't."
He put his arms around me. "Why? You love him, he loves you! What's the big deal?"
I shook my head and cried. "Because I didn't steal a car. That's not why I'm here."
He shook his head. "What?"
I nodded. "I can't… I can't tell you."
He ran his hand on my back. "You can tell me anything. I'm your friend."
"It's so bad." I cried.
"It's not that bad."
I sighed. "I… almost killed someone."
He pulled back. "What?"
I cried into my hands. "I almost killed my stepdad. After he rape me." He looked at me. "I didn't know what to! My mom wouldn't help me!"
He hugged me tighter. "It's ok."
I shook my head. "No it's not!"
I couldn't let him love me. No way in hell would I let him love an almost killer. I wasn't a virgin. He would hate me once he found out. He would call me a slut and a whore and that I was asking for it, just like my last boyfriend and my ex-best friend had said. And anyways, I was leaving in four weeks. What would it matter?
