The title of this chapter was inspired by Snow Patrol's: Run.
11 - I'll Sing It One Last Time
ASHLEY
There are simple things in life that you would normally take for granted. A certain taste of food, or a smell or the smaller things like a look you receive from a friend and yet it matters more than anything in the world.
I took Spencer for granted. I allowed her to give me her heart and never gave mine back in return. I know a part of me did but I never let her know that.
I wanted to get closer to the blonde even though I knew I shouldn't. She was in a good place and I couldn't take that away from her. I just wanted to be friends, keep in touch, maybe if I were back in LA, we could go for a coffee. But I also knew things weren't that simple, not when it came to us anyway.
Carmen was perfect for her. She was beautiful, charming and most of all, she showed Spencer that she loved her and never gave her a reason to doubt that. I watched as she danced on the dance floor in her white buttoned up shirt with her suspenders hanging slightly off her shoulders. Her brown hair was down and flowing with every move she made. Spencer's hand occupying her slim waist was the one thing that caught my attention. It squeezed and relaxed as they moved their hips together; laughing together.
"Are we going to dance or what?" Kyla stepped beside me and I tore my gaze away from the couple.
"Sure." I smiled weakly and Kyla noticed it. "What?"
"Where's Aiden?" She asked, looking around the hall where a lot of drunk people were dancing.
"He'll be here." I nodded and stood up.
"He already missed the dinner, Julian's not exactly happy about that." Kyla frowned and glanced at her new husband, waving at him shyly.
"I don't have him on a leash," I shrugged and looped my arm through hers, "come on, let's show these ladies how it's done."
Kyla smiled but I knew she wanted to ask me more about Aiden. We really did try and hide the tension well in front of people, Aiden and I, but sometimes the bitterness of the divorce prevented us from doing so. I was rarely home when he was and vice versa.
Aiden came clean about his affair with Cora right after it happened. I was upset but not because I loved the guy and felt hurt, I just knew at that moment that everything I had decided to do with him was a mistake. I was angry at myself for marrying him in the first place when he knew I didn't want it. He also knew I had a lot of money and didn't want to give that up.
We were both pretty petty and selfish in the relationship. I wanted to try and make myself believe that I did want to be with him and that I was in love with him, but I knew deep down that wasn't true.
There wasn't a day that went by that I didn't think of Spencer. I'd ask Kyla if she talked to her and for a while there, she would give me some insight in the blonde's life. She never did tell me about Carmen though. I guess I really didn't have a right to know.
Not after how everything ended.
"It's a slow song!" Kyla smiled and noticed her husband was dancing with one of her cousins. "Dance?" She held out her hand and pulled me forward, glancing at Spencer and Carmen, who were right beside us. "You have to let her go." She whispered.
I frowned and shuffled us away from the couple a little more. "What?"
"I see the way you look at her, Ash," Kyla sighed and played with my hair, "you have to let her go or else you'll confuse the poor thing."
"I'm not doing anything." I hissed and scowled. I wasn't doing anything, not that I was aware of.
"May I cut in?" Carmen's voice broke us out of our silent staring contest and Kyla smiled as she took Carmen's hand. "Spence would like to dance with you." She looked at me and I immediately found Spencer's eyes. I nodded my head towards her girlfriend politely before stepping up towards the gorgeous woman in front of me.
"Hey," I said nervously and we stood there looking at each other before she shook her head with a soft laugh and pulled me into her arms. I found my arms draped around her neck and her warm hands on my hips. "Enjoying your night?"
Spencer smiled and ducked her head slightly. "I really am."
"Good." I smiled as we swayed in silence. The instrumental music filling in the awkward space of air.
"I'm sorry Aiden never made it for the dinner." Spencer said sadly and sincerely. I shook my head and gave her a soft smile.
"It doesn't bother me Spence," I clasped my hands behind her neck and raised an eyebrow, "I'm not hurt over it."
She pulled back slightly, "really?" I nodded and she made a face. "Your husband cheats on you and you're okay with that?"
"It's not about being okay with it, of course I was upset about it at first but I get it." I sighed.
"You would." Spencer swallowed and I pushed that deep down, trying hard not to feel the sting that her two words caused. Her fingers dug into me a little more and she breathed an apology. "I didn't mean that."
"You did," I smiled sadly, "but it's okay."
"So…" she gripped me tighter but let her grip go just as quickly, licking her lips.
I subconsciously started to play with the fine hairs the on the back of her neck, remembering just how much she loved that. Her eyes fluttered closed briefly before they opened again, a darker blue making an appearance. "Spence?" I frowned when she let me go and shook her head.
"I can't." She said more to herself then me or anyone else near us. "I need fresh air." She breathed and then she was gone.
I captured Carmen's eyes on me and she didn't look pissed. She looked concerned and then she was out the door following her girlfriend.
"What did you do?" Kyla asked, pointing towards the exit.
"Nothing!" I hissed back and bit my nails. "We were talking and then, God Ky, I don't know!"
"Let her let go!" Kyla stormed off and I felt eyes on me.
Let her let go.
I made my way off the dance floor and found my seat next to Julian's brother. We sat there, nothing was said between us.
It seemed like forever had passed before I spotted Carmen and Spencer walk back in, hand in hand. They broke off and I stood up abruptly, watching Spencer walk towards me as Carmen went straight towards the bar.
"Spencer, I'm so sor-" She stopped me with two fingers on my lips.
"That wasn't your fault." Spencer shrugged and grabbed my wrist, tugging me outside where the air was warm. "I can't do this with you," she confessed, jumping the gun. Her voice wavered a bit and all I wanted to do was hold her.
"What do you mean?"
"This!" She waved her hands around us. "This Ashley, you and me, I can't. I thought I could but," she looked defeated, "I can't."
My heart was on the floor and I knew it deserved to be there. "What do you want me to say?"
"That you don't love me anymore!" Spencer cried and started to pace back and forth.
"Spencer," I watched her feet as the shuffled against the pavement and then they stopped. My eyes slowly dragged up her fitting jeans, her toned stomach that was defined beneath the tight tank top she was wearing, up her gracious neck and into the bottomless blue eyes that held me forever.
"Ash," she put her face in her hands and her shoulders shook, "just tell me you don't love me, please?" Spencer looked at me with pleading watery eyes and I closed mine, taking a deep breath.
"I," I swallowed and clenched my fists together tightly, biting my lip as I watched her watch me with desperate eyes. I could lie to her and make it easy for her. "No," I lied, choking out the answer, "I don't love you anymore."
I heard harsh footsteps coming closer before I felt a hard sting across my cheek. Her sobs were deafening and I stared at her as the side of my face stung. Her blue eyes were clouded with her tears; pain that I had caused yet again.
"You lie!" Spencer shook her head. "You love me and once again you can't even admit it!"
"Fine!" I yelled back and glared at her but not in a mean way. My glare was one of longing, one filled with mistakes I've made and are living with. "I love you okay? I've never stopped loving you, Spencer. Every night that we spent apart it was great because you were in my dreams but every morning when I woke up it sucked because you wouldn't be there!"
Spencer's bottom lip began to quiver and she ran her fingers in her hair, tugging as if she were highly frustrated. "Ahh!" She screamed as she looked up towards the sky, her chest heaving. "Do you know how long I've wanted to hear you say that you love me? How many nights I've dreamed of those three words falling from your lips?" She laughed hysterically and glanced around the parking lot before her shoulders fell. "Carmen is in there right now," she pointed with tears streaming down her face and all I could do was stand there, staring at her quietly as she let it all out, "she is in there right now knowing exactly what we're doing out here."
"What are we doing?" I whispered, scared to raise my voice again.
"I want you to finally leave me alone!" Spencer sighed heavily. "So much of you is inside of me and I just want it all to be gone. I want to be happy with Carmen, I really do. But when you're the one I think about, when you're the one that shares my dreams, it's hard. You haunt me Ashley, you haunt me and I-"
"Then go." I nodded towards the door. "I'll leave and you go back in there, enjoy yourself and forget about me."
"Cause that really worked out well the first time!" She shook her head and wrung her hands before blinking back a new set of tears.
I wasn't holding back anymore. My own tears flowed freely as I watched the one woman I was in love with, crumble in front of my very eyes. "Spencer," I choked out and enveloped her in my arms. "Spence," I whispered again, cupping her face, "I think it's time we just go our separate ways for good," and she nodded, "as much as it'll hurt for me to walk away from you again, if this is what you need…"
"I just can't handle this heartache," Spencer clutched at my shoulders, her forehead pressed against mine, "I can't."
"I've caused you enough heartache." I sniffled and wiped the tears from her cheeks. "I won't be that person again."
"You know what sucks?" Spencer whispered between hiccups. "That I'm still yours." Her long eyelashes flicked upwards and I felt my heart skip a few beats. "No matter what Ashley, you'll always have a part of me that no one could ever touch."
I didn't know what to say. I licked my lips and she proceeded to mirror my own actions by brushing tears away from my cheeks. "So," I breathed shakily, "this is it."
Spencer nodded and wound her fingers in my hair, pressing her lips against mine. They parted but the kiss never deepened. Her bottom lip rested between mine as they moved so gently, so slowly and I knew it was nothing more than 'goodbye'. But it felt so fucking good to kiss her again. I clutched her face in my hands, following her own actions. I didn't want to let go.
But I knew I had too.
Her eyes were closed tightly as her forehead rested against mine before she took in a deep shaky breath and pushed herself away from me. She couldn't bring her eyes to look at me as she walked away.
I watched as she walked away from me. No words needed to be said that already weren't. She was gone. And she took my heart with her.
Again.
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