"Hey, Catnip."

Catherine turned away from the window to see James coming through the door to the port side lounge.

"EDI said you were hiding out in here," he said, coming to stand beside her at the window with his hands in his pockets. "We drinking?"

"I'm hardly hiding," she replied more testily than she'd intended. "No, we're not drinking."

She hugged herself a little more tightly around herself and stared back out the window. She was conflicted. James' company always made her feel better, but she didn't want to move or talk or look away from the window.

"You okay," he said softly, looking at her sideways, not quite turning his head from the view.

She exhaled deeply through her nose. No words came out. Her tongue felt like the dead weight of a fallen body. It pressed against her teeth and her jaw hung slack, her lips glued shut.

"Want me to go?" he asked.

She could hear the note of disappointment in his voice and she closed her eyes, feeling tears prickling. He turned and her arm shot out and she grabbed his wrist. Her head turned like a flower toward the sun and she offered him the warmest smile she could muster, which seemed to convey her affection and grief at once.

"Stay," she said.

James gave her a nod and turned back, standing shoulder to shoulder with her, not quiet touching, the sleeves of their shirts just brushing. For a long time he said nothing and she thought for a moment that he was lost in the dark labyrinth of his mind just as she was. His face was unreadable.

Ready to turn back to her silent and introspective meditation she looked back out at the void. She was wondering if the Reapers really would hunt them to the very last. The galaxy was a big place. So many worlds unexplored and unsettled. One person could easily hide them self away and escape the coming storm. She wondered what she would do if she could fly? Would she take a shuttle and run? Find one of those remote worlds and live out her days in peace, alone, but safe in the knowledge that she had escaped the Reapers?

"You sure we're not drinking?" James asked.

Catherine laughed, her shoulders shaking as she tried to resist to urge. She envied James. His ability to maintain the believe that they would prevail. Through thick and thin his faith in that belief never seemed to waver. Maybe it was because he had actually physically fought Reaper forces. He knew firsthand just what it took to take down a Reaper and so had a basis to judge the odds of their success.

"Can I be you for a while, Jimmy?" she asked, feeling true warmth flowing back into her body as she drew on his positive energy.

"You don't want to be me," he said, his mood suddenly diverting towards gloomy. But he smiled again before it could take hold. "I wanted to show you something. C'mere."

He waved her over to the couch and sat down sideway with his back to her. Tugging at his shirt he pulled it up and over his head, keeping it balled in one hammer like fist.

"Check it out," he said, gesturing to his back.

She came over the kneel behind him and looked down at his back. Between his shoulder blades, just above the triple slash marks to either side of his spine was a new tattoo. In a swollen, irritated patch about the size of her palm was the black and red N7 symbol.

"N7?" she said questioningly. "I didn't know you were a graduate."

"I'm not." He turned to face her but didn't put his shirt back on. "Not yet anyway. I'm a recruit."

"Holy crap, James," she exclaimed. "That's freakin' huge! I take it that means you accepted."

"Well, I can't really." He leaned back gingerly, easing his back down against the cushions.

"Why not?"

"You heard any official Alliance channels lately that I could go through?"

"I guess not, no," Catherine said. She sat back and stared at him. "You really think we're going back, don't you?"

"I sure hope so," he said emphatically. "This'll be a big waste of time if we don't. Besides, better to live in hope right."

Reaching out she ran a hand up his bare chest, taking in the smooth skin and radiating heat.

"Don't tell anyone about this though, okay?" James said. "I don't really want to advertise it yet."

"Jimmy, you got a tattoo on your back." She laughed and pulled her feet up on the couch and under her bum. "Someone is going to notice."

"Only if I take my shirt off, Catnip." Reach grabbed her round the waist and dragged her onto his lap. "So far you're the only one whose managed to get my clothes off."

He nuzzled at her neck and she closed her eyes, enjoying the feeling of his lips brushing against her, but the sensation wasn't the same as before. She leaned into him, willing it to come.

"So, you sure you're okay, Catnip?" His voice vibrated across her skin.

"Just feeling a little fatalistic," she said. "Doomed maybe. Not like we're going to lose, but like nothing will ever be the same again."

"I don't think anything will be the same again."

Their eyes met and the tiny flame between them died. Catherine slid backwards onto the couch, her legs still over his lap and his arm still around her shoulder.

"Well, I know that," she said. "But I mean I don't think the galaxy is going to be run the way it was before. I think every race who helped in this war is going to want a seat on the Council. And I think they'll deserve it."

"What are you going to do when this is over?" James asked.

"I don't know." She sighed wistfully. "If there is a Earth to go back to I might go back to agriculture. We're probably going to have to start from the ground up and food is pretty high on the priority list for most people. What about you?"

"Going to start the N7 training," he said without a thought.

"Really? You won't want to just retire?"

"Hell no," he said ardently. "I'm a soldier. This is all I know. This and gambling."

"You do a few other things fairly well," she said with a look of adoration and fondness. "You're a good man, Jimmy. Don't sell yourself short."

"Thanks, Cat. You aren't half bad yourself." He was quiet for a moment and then said, "I, uh, feel like maybe we're not going to... relieve stress like we used to anymore."

Catherine had the same feeling. Like if they tried to take it any further they would either become fuck buddies or ruin their friendship entirely. She didn't want either of those things to happen and from the way James asked the question, Catherine got the impression that he was feeling the natural ending of their relationship as well.

"I'm not closed to it or anything," she said carefully. "It sort of feels like the right time to stop."

"Before it gets weird, right?" He nodded slowly in agreement and understanding.

"I think I still plan to use you as a mattress from time to time though," Catherine said. "Unfortunately the stress probably isn't going to go away."

"You're welcome to be my blanket any time, bonita. I'll probably still make you spar with me so it's only fair."

"You know," Catherine said suspiciously. "I feel like there has been a bit of a spark between you and Morgan."

James shrugged but said nothing.

"Jimmy, don't hold out on me." She gave him a slap to his still bare chest. "There is something isn't there?"

"She's cute. Really my type."

Catherine felt slightly taken aback, struck by the first hint of jealousy she'd felt regarding James.

"And what was I then? Not your type?"

"Easy there, Catnip. Different battles call for different weapons."

Catherine pulled her legs off his lap and scooted back to sit against the arm of the couch.

"I'm not entirely sure what that analogy is supposed to mean, James."

He unwound his shirt and pulled it back over his head, standing to tuck it into the waist of his pants. Sitting down heavily he turned his head to look at her.

"I'm not exactly a master of words or anything, Catherine. Cut me some slack," he said with annoyance. "I didn't mean you aren't my type. I meant that she is more my type for something more... romantic."

"Sorry," Catherine said repentantly. "Gut female reaction, you know."

"No worries," James leaned closer to her, her knees taking the weight of his body. "It was good while it lasted."

"You're still my rock, Jimmy." She put her hand on his large head and gave him a pat. "I've got to get back on duty now. Find me later."

He sat up and gave her a slap on the ass as she walked by him. Outside the lounge she told EDI that she was going to work from the life support deck rather than the CIC and the AI confirmed. Inside LS she leaned against the door and took a deep breath, trying to collect herself.

Her drive was gone. She felt no motivation, no will to continue. It all just felt so hopeless. Even with everything they had done, it didn't yet feel like they were nearing victory.

Pushing the feelings aside she went deeper into the room. To her surprise she found Commander Shepard sitting at the table in the back corner.

"I'm sorry, Commander," she said quickly. "I didn't realise you were in here. Should I leave?"

"No, it's alright, Hogan," Shepard said. She gestured to the chair across from her. "Have a seat."

Nervously, Catherine eased herself into the chair. She didn't know if she had walked in on the Commander or if Shepard had been waiting for her.

Shepard sat with her chin resting in one hand and her eyes downcast. Her dark hair fell across her face. Her shoulders were slouched and her body seemed heavy, defeated. She looked how Catherine felt.

"Are you okay, Commander?" Catherine asked carefully.

The Commander sighed and sat back in her seat. "Just thinking about a friend. Thane."

"The drell?" Catherine asked. She'd seen a news report about a Thane Krios who had saved the salarian councillor from an assassin. Liara had later told her that Krios had been a squad mate of Shepard's when she took out the Collectors.

"Thane was... a good friend."

The deep sadness on Shepard's face made Catherine's heart strings twang discordantly. This was the first time Catherine had seen her show just how much this war was getting to her. Her friends, those on her squad saw it, but for the rest of the crew she always showed a brave face.

"He had Kepral's Syndrome and was dying anyway," Shepard told her. "But this is worse. I thought I had more time."

"It's always hardest when they're taken from us suddenly," Catherine said.

"You were close with Mordin, weren't you?"

"I wouldn't say close, no," Catherine replied. "But I was fond of him. We had some good arguments."

Shepard gave a little laugh through her nose at that.

"To lose both of them so suddenly, so close together... I kept them alive through the Omega 4 Relay on what was supposed to be a suicide run. I feel like I failed them."

"You can't think that way, ma'am," Catherine said, reaching out to the Commander. She pulled her hand away at the last second. "Maybe the reason they survived was so that they could help you now. If you believe in that sort of thing, that is."

Shepard looked at her and the ghost of a smile haunted her lips for a moment.

"I don't know that I do believe in fate or destiny, but Thane did."

Catherine felt like Shepard was about to say more but the door hissed open and Major Alenko came around the corner.

"Sorry, Commander," he said, his voice like cool, silky waters. "Didn't realize you were busy. We'll talk later."

Shepard stood. "It's fine, Major. Carry on, Hogan."

The Commander walked away and Catherine couldn't help but see the way the Major's hand came up and touched the small of her back as she passed him. It wasn't the way one should be touching their direct superior.

Changing her mind all of a sudden, Catherine followed them out and went for the elevator. Maybe losing herself in her work on the CIC would help. Maybe there she would feel her usefulness return.

They were heading out to the far reaches of the galaxy, the Valhallan Threshold to be precise. Shepard had received intel that pointed to significant assets in that cluster and others in that galactic quadrant.

With no specific mission at hand, exploring was their best option. Shepard's luck never seemed to run out. The Reapers chased them, but never even got close to catching them. Cerberus plagued them, but Shepard thwarted them at every turn. Catherine should have felt better about their odds, but the attack on the Citadel was taking its toll on everyone.

Catherine buried herself into her work. For a week Joker hurled them through relay after relay, exploring the most remote and untouched systems. She saw little of James or other members of the crew. Working until she was half blind from exhaustion, she threw herself into a sleep pod for four or five hours at a time and slept the sleep of the dispirited.

They returned to the Citadel twice and both times James tried to get her to go with him, but she steadfastly refused. Morgan stayed with her on the ship, but they talked little and Catherine could feel her good nature and optimism slipping away from her.

When they set out from the Citadel again they were headed for the Far Rim and a rendezvous with the quarians who were apparently ready to talk. They arrived only to discover that they had made the imprudent decision to go to war with the geth and were engaged in all out hostilities above their home world of Rannoch.

Catherine had never seen a quarian before and felt her curiosity stir for the first time in weeks. She made sure she was in the CIC when the Admirals boarded and watched them as they carried themselves with a dignity and pride unlike any other species Catherine had seen.

She was surprised when Joker got out of his seat to greet and hug one of the quarians, a woman in a purple and gold suit with hips of the like Catherine had never seen before. Though the quarian spoke professionally and kept her distance after the initial embrace, Catherine could tell that she was thrilled to see Joker and the Normandy as well.

After a brief conference in the war room, Shepard had Joker fly them into the thick of the battle heading for dreadnought of immeasurable size and fortitude. Catherine barely had time to think before they were docking with the vessel and Shepard was on her way out to disable it.

As melancholy as she was, Catherine's need to question everything brought her to Liara's quarters to ask about the quarian Joker had so affectionately greeted.

Liara invited her in, not something Catherine had expected, though it didn't entirely surprise her now that the knowledge of Liara's covert actions were well known to the crew.

Catherine sat down on a couch like the ones in port observation and Liara sat down on the bed across from her.

"Thanks for letting me come in, Liara," Catherine said, trying to smile.

"You seem rather distant lately, Cat," Liara observed. "What's troubling you?"

"Same things as everyone else I expect." Catherine shrugged nonchalantly, hoping Liara wouldn't try to delve any deeper. "I actually just wanted to ask you about the quarians. I figured you would be the one to know about the woman in the purple and gold suit."

"Her name is Tali'Zorrah nar Rayya vas Neema, sometimes vas Normandy," Liara said. "She's been with Shepard since the beginning. Even longer than myself. Tali is a good friend."

"Joker sure seems to like her," Catherine said.

"Yes. Yes, he does," Liara said with a smile. "Tali is a clever, kind and compassionate woman. If she stays you should talk to her."

"I hope I get the chance. The quarians have always fascinated me," Catherine said. "What do the nar and vas mean?"

"Nar indicates the ship they were born on," Liara explained. "Vas is a title they earn after their pilgrimage and tells others which ship they are crew of."

Catherine had other questions she wanted to ask about the quarians, but she got so few opportunities to talk to Liara that she wanted to broach a subject that she didn't feel comfortable bringing up with anything else.

"Liara, I totally understand if you don't want to say anything about this, but I'm really curious." Catherine forced herself to make eyes contact with Liara, even though she was slightly afraid the asari would see the feelings beneath her veneer of gloom. "Major Alenko and the Commander... What's their relationship?"

Liara smiled gently and Catherine knew right away that Liara's intuition told her there was more to the question.

"Kaidan and the Commander have been something of an items for some time now. They became very close during our hunt for Saren. Why do you ask, Catherine?"

"Curious is all," Catherine said, trying to be casual. "Just noticed some more than friendly contact between them and wanted to know the story."

"Are you and James no longer an item?" Liara asked.

"Sadly that's over now," Catherine said with a sigh. "It came to its natural end and now we are just friends."

"Don't let yourself lose heart, Cat." Liara came and sat down on the couch beside her. "We have not lost yet."

Catherine thanked her for talking and left, heading for life support and the quiet isolation it offered. She wasn't on duty but sitting in the middle of a battle with the ships stealth capabilities active meant that every system required a little bit more attention than normal.

She was still there when Shepard returned to the ship in a geth fighter. The dreadnought exploded sending a shockwave through the inner solar system that buffeted the Normandy and sent more than one crew member to their knees as they struggled to keep up with Joker's wild piloting.

That night, while Shepard was in the war room plotting their next move, Catherine and Morgan went down to the shuttle bay together for the first time in days. James greeted Catherine as if nothing had changed between them and she was so happy to know that she still had him as friend that she nearly cried.

She and Morgan sat side by side on his cot while he did what was likely his third or fourth work out of the day. Catherine felt the need to finally vocalize what she'd been holding in for so long. How she knew Major Kaidan Alenko.

"It was almost twenty years ago," she said, looking out across the deck as she spoke, her eyes blank as her mind saw into the past. "My mum and I were in BC for the summer. We were staying in the interior where all the apple orchards are. I met Kaidan at the beach that day. He was such a show off too. I'd never had a boy pay so much attention to me."

James rolled his eyes. "Sounds like a sappy love story already."

"Shut it, James," Morgan said sharply. "I want to hear this."

"He invited me to come back to his uncle's place where he was staying, but my mum wouldn't let me go," Catherine continued. "She said I was too young to be alone with a boy. So I waited until she went to bed and I snuck out. I nearly didn't go. But even though I was two hours late he was still waiting for me."

Morgan gave a dreamy little sigh. "I'm already jealous. I don't have any stories like this. My first time was like having a live fish thrown at me. Lots of sloppy kissing and flopping around."

James snorted, but the two women ignored him.

"I didn't sleep with him, Morgan," Catherine said, slightly offended. "I was fourteen!"

Morgan blushed and looked away.

"Oh my god, Morgan," Catherine exclaimed. "You were fourteen?"

"Forget about me. Tell your story."

Filing that little tidbit away for later, Catherine continued.

"I stayed up almost all night with him. We sat on the roof and listened to classic Earth music that my dad used to listen to when I was little. It was warm and starry and beautiful and he was just so cute, I thought I was going to die from romance overload."

"I think I might die from romance overload," James said, grunting a he did one armed chin ups that neither woman was watching.

Catherine continued as if he hadn't spoken. "He was impressed when I knew the words to this old song. It was my dad's favourite and he used to play it on the guitar. There's not a lot I remember about my dad, but that song on the guitar is one of them. Anyway, when I was done singing he leaned over me and kissed me. It was my very first kiss and it was... Morgan, it was just magic. I compare kisses to that one to this day."

"And how did I stack up, Catnip?" James asked, winking at her around his punching bag.

"Different weapons, Jimmy," she said snarkily.

"Oh, it's that way is it?" he retorted.

Morgan looked between the two of them and asked, "What am I missing here?"

"Never mind," Catherine said with a wave of her hand. "So, that's my story. Do not breath a word of it to anyone else though. Seriously."

"Does he know it was you all those years ago?" Morgan asked, still absorbed by the story.

"No, and now that I know he and Shepard are a thing, I would rather he didn't remember," Catherine said, pointing at both of them and giving her sternest stare. "There's no reason he should remember it. He was sixteen at the time and I doubt I was his first or last kiss that summer. I don't really want to find out how unmemorable I was. Let me live with the fantasy."

Morgan promised right away, but James teased, drawing it out for as long as he could before Catherine jumped off the cot and lunged at him, threatening him with the worst purple nurple of his life if he didn't swear to keep his lips sealed.

In the end he promised and he and Catherine spent a night together for the first time in weeks. Something about that conversation had sparked their friendship alight again and she slept soundly and well finally, fully clothed and using his chest as a pillow.

They stayed in the orbit around Rannoch, Shepard ran several missions in an effort to aid the quarians, though she made no secret of the fact that she thought their war with the geth was folly. She even had a geth aboard the ship. EDI said its name was Legion, and Catherine tried desperately to gain access to the war room so that she could meet him, but she didn't get a chance before he left the ship for the last time.

They were there for days before Shepard was finally able to take her squad out and bring an end to the war. Catherine was on the bridge with Joker and EDI when the shit all hit the fan on Rannoch and they found another Reaper destroyer guarding a geth facility.

Having a thresher maw do the dirty work was one thing, but what Shepard did on Rannoch, Catherine was left thinking about for days...