This. So many pages. Don't worry. The craziness is coming.


The screams only rose in pitch as crimson splashed onto the walls, the stone beginning to crumble. The sounds of skin being torn, bones crunching, gurgling as though someone was drowning; the sounds of heavy, rapid footfall…

And laughter.

Laughter so chilling, so maniacal, that her blood turned to ice.

"One thousand minus seven. Do you know?"

His voice was the same, but it was so different. It was a blade carving the answer to the crescendo of screams belonging to those who just moments before screamed in laughter.

Now they scream as they are slaughtered.

She could hear it all.

She could feel it all. Feel the violence of his fury, the blood soaking his hands, his teeth burrowing into flesh. Feel his madness ruling him, memories of being sliced, of centipedes crawling in his skull, of his fingers and toes being ripped off over and over. Feel the vibrations of his screams, the anger and agony nearly silent among the symphony of fearful screams.

But it's just a dream.

A nightmare…

Hanami's fingers flinched, curling to dig into something. A soft, plush texture met her fingertips and she could feel her visage twist into a frown. The last thing she remembered was the arena, arms around her, before her vision eclipsed into black. Am I dead?

A groan threatening to bubble from her lips, Hanami forced her eyes open, blinking rapidly to clear the blurry sight. Pain shot through her leg, familiar and foreign all at once and yet it felt stiff. I guess that answers my question, she thought grimly, rightly assured that she was definitely still among the living.

"You're awake," a familiar voice murmured lowly, coming from her left. Hanami turned her head.

Kaneki was sitting in a chair beside her, his elbows resting on his legs as his joined hands were under his chin. He appeared to be freshly showered; his white hair glistened and he was wearing a collared white shirt and blue jeans. Steel irises were narrowed softly, but Hanami could see it wasn't from irritation. She met his gaze, aware of her heart picking up pace and pounding furiously inside of her chest. "Kaneki? Where am I? How did you find me?"

"Tsukiyama saw you. He told me and…" Kaneki trailed off, debating whether to tell Hanami that he had been trying to track her scent since he found her gone. She must have known by now, he thought to himself. He would have gone at any length to get her back. He exhaled heavily, his laced fingers tightening to refrain from grabbing Hanami and embracing her. He had other matters to discuss with her. "What matters is that you're safe. Tsukiyama and I managed to find you and get you out of there," he finished. "You weren't unscathed as I hoped. Your left leg is broken and your head was bleeding."

"So it wasn't a dream," murmured Hanami, propping herself upright with her elbows as support. She observed herself, her eyes moving from Kaneki to the torn, bloodied dress that she was found in and the pristine wrap that covered her left leg. She counted her stars that she wasn't changed again while unconscious. Leaning onto her right elbow, Hanami lifted a hand to the back of her head, her fingers seeking the injury and finding nothing. Had it healed while she was unconscious or did she imagine the injury? "You said my head was bleeding," she said softly.

"That's what I want to talk to you about, Hanami," Kaneki told her in a low voice, drawing her eyes back to him. Getting a good look at him, Kaneki's expression was hard indifference, but his eyes wavered with an emotion she couldn't place. "There was a wound, but it had already healed. I'm not sure if it was before I brought you here or after, but the only beings I know that can heal that quickly are ghouls," he continued, his voice steadier than his eyes.

Hanami couldn't help but push herself upright at his words, her eyes narrowing. Kaneki could see Hanami's guard rising in her eyes, the vulnerability she had shown him disappearing as though it were a drop of water in a desert. "What are you trying to say? You think that I'm a ghoul?" she asked, her voice hard as stone as crimson irises iced over.

Kaneki's own eyes narrowed. "Are you?"

"No." The word was sharp as the crack of a whip.

"Was anyone in your family a ghoul? Your mother, maybe?"

"You have a lot of nerve bringing her up now."

Frustration bubbled inside of Kaneki to where he couldn't restrain himself. He seized Hanami by her shoulders, keeping her steady to face him as he glared into her eyes. In either equal frustration or defiance, she did not look away. He jerked her close, seeing the briefest flicker of pain cross her features as her entire body shifted, including her broken leg. "Why won't you tell me? Why won't you tell me anything about you?" Kaneki asked, his voice soft in spite of his roiling emotions. "Even before this, before all of this, I don't know a damn thing about you!"

"What are you talking about, Kaneki?" Hanami hissed, but he could see a strange emotion flicker in her eyes. It was fear, but not of him or what he could do. It was a fear of a different kind, the kind those who have experienced pain that no human should ever bear that birthed dancing shadows behind their eyes. Those shadows were invisible in Hanami's eyes before; but now that Kaneki glimpsed them, he would not let this go.

"You wanted me to tell you what had happened all these months, right?" Kaneki said those words carefully, watching every flicker in Hanami's eyes. "You wanted to know everything?"

"What's the point of that?" whispered Hanami harshly. "I gave you a chance to tell me before and you didn't take it!"

"I'm asking you to give me that chance now!" Kaneki's voice rose nearly to a shout, his grip tightening on Hanami's shoulders. There was a new desperation in his voice, one that didn't escape Hanami's notice. Just as it shook his voice, that same desperation was in his eyes and Hanami couldn't look away. Kaneki bowed his head, his eyes shielded beneath his bangs as he shut them, his fingers trembling against her shoulder that Hanami lost hold of her frustration.

"It isn't fair to ask you to trust me with your scars, not when I haven't told you mine. God, I almost lost you today because of all of this. You were out of my sight for too long and had I been just a fucking second later…" Kaneki's teeth ground together. The image of Hanami, broken, burned into his memory to stay forever. If he had been slower, had been unable to find her sooner…

The image in his head, the one Kaneki feared the most, was burned into his retinas. It glared at him starkly, tormenting him, mocking him for what he could have encountered in his incompetence. Hanami's body lying on the dirtied stone floor, soaked to the bone in blood, unmoving no matter how many times Kaneki screamed her name. You lost her, you couldn't save her. You could hardly protect yourself, how could you protect her, his mind hissed over and over. Kaneki shook his head once to shatter the image, to silence the voice in his mind. He couldn't fall to pieces, not here, not in front of her.

Hanami swallowed, watching Kaneki struggle with himself. Rarely had she ever heard him say such a vulgar curse; he had been worried about her. Or just obsessed, contradicted her mind swiftly, but Hanami forced herself to push that thought away. They were getting somewhere, though the condition was less than ideal. She inhaled shakily, his name barely a whisper on her lips. "Kaneki…"

"You could have died today. You could have died that time in the alley too," Kaneki murmured, the stark reminder of blood coating Hanami's skin, her body being broken, bringing forth a torrent of anger. "When you asked me about leaving you there to die, I knew I…I couldn't. I remembered that time today."

Hanami tilted her head, a soft frown crossing her features. "You're shaking," she mumbled, feeling the tremors wracking his body, just from his two hands.

A dry, bitter laugh fell from Kaneki's lips that Hanami was sure wasn't directed at her. "Even when you try to push me away, you still wear your heart on your sleeve," he told her. Kaneki lifted his eyes then, meeting hers, as his right hand moved to twine his fingers into Hanami's hair, the uneven strands sending a sharp lurch into his heart. Hanami was lucky the scrapper missed her neck, he thought. His hand moved then, without even a thought, to caress Hanami's cheek, his thumb stroking the skin gently.

Hanami opened her mouth, no doubt to say something, but Kaneki cut her off. "Even when I hurt you, even when I've made you cry, you still…" he paused, exhaling heavily. Hanami could feel her heart clenching with dread, as though the very next words he intended to utter would be the most devastating blow to her fragile heart. Don't say it, her mind urged him. I can't hate you if you say it.

Kaneki continued, his words soft as though he had considered them for quite some time, an unspoken anguish shining in his eyes. "I keep saying I need you when I don't even deserve the right to be by your side, nor do I deserve the right to have you at mine."

Hanami wasn't sure when the dam had broken. All she could hear was the beating of her own heart, too violent for this moment; all she could feel was tears scorching down her cheeks. Kaneki's eyes widened, both of his hands on her face now, his fingers catching her tears. "W-Why are you crying?" he asked softly.

"I hate you." The words left her lips in between sobs as Hanami's vision continued to water, but she knew those very words were empty. "I hate you for having me fall in love with you and then saying that to me," she sobbed, her eyes closing in a futile attempt to stop more tears from falling.

Kaneki nearly recoiled at her words. "Hanami…?"

"You don't get it, do you? You said you'd drag me back if I ever became free of you and you're right. You're right!" Emotions Hanami had fought to keep at bay, emotions she refused to allow to overcome her, burst free. She hated herself, despised how crippling emotions she barely processed had made her, and she desperately wished she could blame him for it.

But it wasn't his fault. She knew that. If anyone was to blame, it was herself.

"I can't get away from you," Hanami whispered, her voice shaking as her eyes opened. "I've never been able to since the moment we met."

"For that long…?" murmured Kaneki, disbelief coloring his voice as though he could hardly believe what he was hearing. Truth be told, he couldn't. He knew Hanami wondered if he was safe, happy, and alive; he never knew the extent of her emotions went so far back.

Hanami nodded, knowing full well she damned herself. She tightened the noose around her own neck for that madness people called love and she absolutely hated herself for it.

Kaneki leaned in, but he didn't kiss her; instead, he pressed his forehead against hers, his own eyes sliding close as his fingers continued to brush at her tears. Hanami could feel his breath coming out in soft, short bursts that she wondered if he was restraining himself from stealing a kiss. Silence hung between them, occasionally broken by Hanami's dying sobs as her tears were beginning to slow.

"Everything went to hell after that night." Kaneki's voice was soft, but it was enough to catch Hanami's attention. He didn't pull away from her and he appeared to not want to either. There was a sadness that radiated from him, one he didn't want her to see—but she could see it just as clearly. "After the…accident. The only ones who know the truth aside from me are my friends at Anteiku," he murmured. "I remember Hide telling Yuna about her after I told him not to say anything…"

Hanami frowned softly before the memory came swimming back into her mind. Yuna had come over to Hanami's apartment after she had missed a few days and then told her. "That night…you went on a date, right?" she asked.

Kaneki chuckled softly, pulling back to look into Hanami's eyes. "Yuna told you. I should have known."

Hanami nodded. "Of course she told me that. She was with me when…when Nagachika called and said you were hurt and…" Her breath caught in her throat at the memory, of Yuna's panicked expression as soon as she had gotten off the phone with Nagachika Hideyoshi. Yuna and Hanami had put on their shoes and made a mad dash to the hospital. The adrenaline spawned from panic and worry had taken over Hanami until the doctors had said Kaneki was going to pull through. The memory, to this day, still had that chilling effect on her.

"What I didn't tell Hide was that the girl who was with me that night…she was a ghoul," said Kaneki heavily, his hands falling away from Hanami. "She attacked me. I blacked out and the next thing I know, the doctor transplanted her organs into me. My body was becoming more like a ghoul. At the time, I couldn't control my hunger, so my eye would turn red."

"The medical eyepatch," Hanami whispered, low enough to barely be on the wind and yet Kaneki heard it. "You wore it all the time," she continued as though she had merely trailed off from her thought. "I thought that maybe something happened, that the accident hurt your eye somehow. But I never thought…" Hanami paused.

Kaneki didn't need her to finish. "You wanted to come see me when I was at the hospital, but I kept refusing. Even when I came back to school, I thought that pushing you away would keep you safe, that keeping this a secret from you, Yuna, and Hide would keep you all safe. I didn't want…" he stopped, the memory of his resolution from back then floating back into him. Back when he was powerless, weak, all he wanted was to protect those dear to him. The circle had widened when he got to know the ghouls at Anteiku, Touka, Hinami, Nishio; he would have continued seeing them as nothing but monsters if he hadn't been made into a half-breed.

Hanami kept her eyes on him, so Kaneki finished his thought. "I didn't want you to get hurt. I didn't want to be the one that hurt you and I ended up doing that anyway, didn't I?" he murmured, his fingers aching to touch Hanami's face again, but he curled them into his palm.

Her eyes averted as her heart lurched at the pain in Kaneki's voice that Hanami wondered how much suffering Kaneki kept inside. "This is why you stayed away for so long? When you disappeared?" she asked softly.

Kaneki couldn't bear Hanami's eyes being away from him. "It's one of the reasons."

"What's the other reason?"

"I wanted to be stronger."

Stronger. Hanami could not doubt Kaneki was stronger. Having one's life turned viciously upside-down must have forced his eyes open, to show him the results of what would happen if he remained the same. "But there were shadows in your eyes long before this," she murmured absently before her eyes widened. I said that out loud.

When she lifted her eyes to Kaneki, his eyes had widened slightly. Yes, there they were; those shadows Hanami had seen in his eyes long before they got to this point. They were there before the accident, on the day they met. It's like Nagachika said, Hanami thought.

She and Kaneki were mirrors.

"Hanami?" Kaneki's voice, its slow register, drew her attention back to him. "Why are there shadows in your eyes?"

It was only fair; he told her what she wanted to know. It was only fair she answer.

Her throat constricted, her pulse racing, a droning in her head that got louder, louder. Water was rushing, her lungs burning as the room spun, as she plunged into a pitch black ocean. She could hear it, sharp and screeching.

"DEMON! YOU ARE NOT MY CHILD!"

It seared into Hanami's ear canal, etched onto her skin, draining her as hands wrapped around her throat. She was back in that house, back to an empty existence, her body seizing to get air and failing as fire and ice battled inside of her. The hands that were supposed to care for her, were wrapped around her neck, suffocating her; the pain she swallowed dug into her back, her arms, her legs; she tried to seize those memories, grasp that pain about its neck, and force it down, drowning it-

"Hanami!" Kaneki's voice shattered the memory, his arms around her, jolting her back from brink. Hanami grabbed at his arms, her fingers digging into the sleeve of his shirt. She met his gaze, his eyes steeled with worry, before she realized she was shaking. The dam had truly broken, she realized. She could no longer bury her scars.

"What happened to you? It's like you went somewhere else," muttered Kaneki, withdrawing his arms from Hanami. He scanned her face, at how much paler she had gotten that even her lips went white, at the drops of sweat beginning to bead on her forehead. He frowned, his palm against her cheek. "…Where did you go?" he asked.

Hanami shook her head. "You asked me if I were a ghoul before. I think…where I went back to may have had some merit after all."

"What do you mean? Back to where?"

"My house."

Kaneki frowned. "Do you mean your apartment?" he asked. When Hanami shook her head, ice filled his veins and his heart began to pump faster. If she was referring to her apartment, then…

"My childhood home. Where I was born and where…" The shadows became more pronounced in Hanami's eyes that Kaneki had a feeling about what she was struggling to say, the scars she was trying to put into words. He grabbed a hold of Hanami's hand, twining their fingers and feeling her tense at the gentleness.

"You don't have to say," he murmured. "Not this second. For now, you need to rest."

"Why did you ask me if I was a ghoul?" Hanami's question was soft, lacking the emotional bite moments before. "You said that my head healed fast enough to be…"

Kaneki cut her off, his voice stern. "Forget it."

"I can't." Hanami's voice was just as stern. "I can't forget it because that's the…" She stopped, her words trailing off. That had been nearly her entire life; people were quick to fear her for being something she wasn't. But I never healed like that before.

If ghouls heal that fast, then could her mother have…?

Hanami never had an answer in regards to who her father was. The man was a mystery, merely a charlatan who had impregnated her mother and abandoned her and his unborn child. He wasn't worth remembering, that's what her grandparents had always told her. Yet how could they expect a child to remember a face she'd never seen once she breathed outside of the womb?

Kaneki frowned in concern at Hanami's sudden silence. Her crimson eyes were vacant, unfocused, as though she were lost in another memory. He couldn't wrap his own mind around it. The Hanami of his memories was reserved, curious. He barely saw those shadows in their university days, when things were simpler. In this moment, the illusions they had maintained fell away, shattering to the floor. Her eyes were just like his. Maybe they always had been.

Kaneki stood up, the action breaking Hanami from her thoughts as he went to his desk to get a pair of scissors and then walked to the bathroom to grab two towels. She frowned slightly when Kaneki returned, silent as stone. He placed a towel on the mattress behind Hanami and wrapped another about her shoulder, his fingers gently tugging her uneven hair over the towel as he moved behind her. "What are you doing?" asked Hanami, remaining still despite Kaneki never telling her to.

"I'm evening up your hair. That's okay, isn't it?" Kaneki answered with a shrug, holding the scissors in his hand. Hanami relaxed, unaware of when she had gotten tense, and exhaled a breath. "It's okay," she mumbled. "You've cut hair before?"

"Mostly mine."

"Huh."

"What?"

"Nothing. Just never pegged you as someone who would cut someone else's hair. Or even your own for that matter."

"I don't know whether to be offended or take that as a compliment." Kaneki began to snip at the longer strands of Hanami's hair, aligning the strands with his fingers to keep them even. He felt a sharp sting in his heart as each strand fell onto the white towel he placed behind Hanami. Hanami had kept her hair long; it was one of the constants about her that was changed in her being there with him.

Silence settled upon them as Kaneki cut Hanami's hair, her hair no more than a cap of curls save for the long strands that framed her face. When Kaneki neared the scissors to those strands, Hanami broke the silence. "Leave them," she murmured. "I like them this way."

"If you're sure." Kaneki moved from his spot behind Hanami, watching as she lifted a hand to feel at the ends of her hair. The short, curled strands bounced slightly at her touch before she lowered her hand to the bed. He walked over to his bureau. "We should have you change out of that thing. I imagine it's uncomfortable for you," he said, rummaging through the drawers.

Hanami narrowed her eyes at the male. "I can do that on my own."

"Let me help you, Hanami." Kaneki's words were concise, sharp, leaving no room for a debate. Just as easily, his voice was soft. Tender, even. Despite the power he exuded, Hanami could see the remnants of the Kaneki she fell in love with even more than the moment they had met again. When Kaneki turned around, a pair of jogging pants and a long-sleeved shirt in his hands as he walked back to her, Hanami exhaled to calm herself. Of course she was going to need help. All he did was offer to do so.

Kaneki set the clothes beside Hanami, moving carefully behind her to find a zipper or fastener on the dress. Heat fused in the white-haired male's cheeks when his eyes caught the glint of the zipper on the back of the dress. His thumb and index finger were around the zipper, the metal cool to the touch, and Kaneki swallowed dryly. He knew that, though he was willing to help Hanami, he had never assisted in undressing a girl before. Much less a girl he lusted for with every cell in his body…

Kaneki shook his head violently. Now isn't the time, he chided himself before he pulled the zipper down, freeing Hanami from the ripped dress. The off-shoulder sleeves inched slowly down Hanami's arms and she visibly tensed as though feeling his eyes on her. Kaneki averted his eyes as he drew the zipper to its end; Hanami shifted to hold the top of the dress to her chest in his periphery as she reached for his shirt, pulling it over with one hand as she left the top of the dress fall. Kaneki's eyes flickered to Hanami's bare back, beginning to internally curse himself for doing so—before he stopped himself.

It was for the briefest second, but it was enough for him to see it before the shirt covered her; Hanami's back had faint scars, as though caused by a whip. It sent chills down his spine. She glanced back at him, her red eye trying to glimpse him in her periphery. "What?" she murmured.

"Nothing," Kaneki responded immediately, averting his eyes again with flushed cheeks. Hanami was silent before he heard the rustling of fabric and drew his attention to her shimmying the dress from her hips to the best of her ability. Kaneki moved then, his hand curling into the skirt of the dress and gently tugged it, minding Hanami's broken leg as the article glided down her legs. He grabbed the sweatpants as soon as he tossed the dress to the floor and looked at Hanami. She looked fluster, her crimson eyes on him. "I'm going to help with this, okay?" he murmured, uncertainty catching in his voice. When Hanami nodded, Kaneki began to insert Hanami's injured leg into the pant leg first, keeping his movement careful.

Hanami barely flinched as Kaneki managed to get her broken leg into the sweatpants. He had often switched between rough and gentle in the warehouse, but this time he took extra care in being gentle with her. When he made a slight motion with his head for Hanami to pull on the bottom, she did so herself, gently pushing Kaneki's hand from the fabric as she shimmied the sweatpants on. Hanami exhaled, the comfort of the clothes easier on her than the dress. They were a bit big on her, but she didn't mind it at all. "Thank you," she whispered to Kaneki.

Kaneki nodded, his eyes darting to the floor. "You're welcome. Do they fit okay?"

"Mhm."

"Good."

Silence hovered between them, patient as they considered their next words, their further questions. Hanami broke the silence first. "I didn't ask, but, Kaneki, those…people. What happened to them?" she asked softly. Kaneki's eyes went back to Hanami, at the red eyes that now studied him, waiting.

The mask had return, the stone covering his face as Kaneki allowed ice to coat his voice. "They're dead."

"…Did you kill them?" Hanami's voice was soft, her eyes tearing away from him. She was patient for his answer this time, less like a frightened animal in the warehouse. There was no sign of fear in her eyes, no horror at what he could possibly admit to. There was a resignation emanating from her.

Kaneki answered her. "I did. Because they hurt you."

Hanami looked at him, her fingers curling against her lap. "You killed because of me."

"It isn't the first time. It won't be the last."

"Kaneki-"

"I refuse to continue in a world where you don't exist." His confession startled even him, but Kaneki wasn't going to take the words back. He watched as light pink dusted Hanami's cheeks, the rush of her blood calling to his. A strange connection between us, he thought.

He reached for Hanami then, the palm of his hand against her face, his mask softening now. "There are things about you that I don't know, but it seems you aren't sure either. We can find out, Hanami," he added softly. "We can both find out, together, if you would let me stay with you..."

Hanami's eyes were at half-mast before she slowly nodded. She was mad; she had to be, to go back to him this way.

But Kaneki was also right. The moment he asked her if she was half-ghoul, it brought questions into her own mind; questions she didn't have the answer to and questions about her blood.

Was mother right about me…the entire time…?