Failure
A/N – And you thought Light handled shock badly, heh. The song "Selenite" by Rurutia, the end theme for the first half of Karas, is good for the second scene. It made me cry, at least.
L's fork clanged to his plate, forgotten as his mind snagged on the words and derailed the train of thought he had been pursuing. Light didn't react to the sound other than to move his eyes to the side. He looked unsure and uncomfortable, though not to the same extent that he had when he had been shocked into not breathing.
His heartbeat sounded like a bass drum in the silence, waking him out of his brief but startling reverie. With the return to full awareness came the train wreck of his thoughts crashing together, all clamoring at once to be heard and stepping all over each other in his head.
Everything, everything, had gone according to plan! So why was Light balking at his offer? Why on earth was this genius who so perfectly met L's qualifications refusing to accept... anything? L was so livid that his inner monologue didn't even have his usual intelligence behind it. His thoughts were stuck on repeat, the same statements and questions running through his head in an increasingly agitated sequence. He replayed his mental process though he knew that everything had proceeded as expected, his own need for self-assurance demanding that he review it.
He looks unsure. He's doubting himself, so now is a good time to close the argument.
Ah, he's convinced, completely. Now give him a few moments to think.
Time to step in and make the offer again, throw him a lifeline.
Pause.
"No."
"What?!"
How can he say no? He knows I'm right! What's wrong with him?
You're sorry? Not as sorry as I am, Yagami Light! How... how dare you make me wrong!!
'What', indeed. Such an eloquent word for the world's greatest detective. He didn't need Light to repeat the statement, however. He knew exactly what was said, but surprise the likes of which he had never felt forced the word out instinctively, something in him still hoping he had not heard correctly.
He was the world's greatest detective! His own record could attest that L didn't make mistakes! He only entered arguments into which he was assured of victory, of defeating his opponents with fact and cold reason. L refused to argue with those so far beneath him in intelligence that his words were wasted on them out of their inability to understand logic. Light was brilliant and worth arguing with, and L knew what was wrong with him, crushing Light's own reasoning for suicide so thoroughly that it had shocked him into not even paying attention to such an elementary function as breathing. Light's reaction showed that he knew L was right as well, so why was he refusing him? Why would he not accept something that would save him from dying a wasteful, stupid death?
L's fingers twitched as he reached for his fork, annoyed at his inability to contain his own surprise. He was showing a remarkable similarity to Light's own manner of dealing with shock.
Light glanced back at him at the movement, and L was both pleased and infuriated to see that placid expression that Light had often worn over the course of this evening back on his face so easily. The boy had a masterful control of his body language and expression, but even L was surprised that he could don this mask so soon after what should have been a crippling loss on his part. After all, L had just knocked this genius' feet out from under him. He should at least still be mellowed, maybe even humble, for a time, but already he was so composed, as though he and L truly were on a date and were wearing their happy masks to give each other good superficial impressions of themselves.
L injected nonchalance into every action as he slowly separated a piece of his cheesecake with his fork. His eyes rose to meet Light's just before he brought it to his mouth. There were so many questions raging through him at this perplexing turn of events, but he would not ask anything that would imply that he had any interests other than professional in this matter. He had no personal stake in it other than his own pride, after all.
The dessert was forgotten again as his hand stilled, frozen in place. He had his answer.
Pride.
He had not taken into account the kind of foolhardy arrogance that Light possessed. He knew Light would be shaken when L revealed the inaccuracy of his convictions, and that part had turned out even better than he had expected. He had counted on the devastation, the lost look on the other genius' face, not his mind's complete collapse and shutdown. Playing the parts of both the conqueror and the savior, L had annihilated Light's castle with a few well-placed blows and then offered himself, a proverbial knight in shining armor, as a solution to Light's crisis. He should have been willing to accept help, especially if it appealed to his sense of purposelessness right now.
But he hadn't counted on his pride being stronger than his will to live. Light's pride kept him isolated, untouchable when inside of situations he could control, and he would not give the control to anyone, even if it meant that his inner struggle would kill him. It made him... unhappy.
Foolish, Light-kun. How can someone with your brilliance be so blind? So willfully ignorant?
Light leaned back in his seat, all of his mannerisms now demonstrating an eerie sangfroid. They might have only discussed the stock market in a particularly unconcerned manner, not matters of Light's own suicide and depression.
Forget Light being devastated, L was devastated and humiliated as well. Light had turned his victory completely around by making the whole thing an exercise in futility. L had wasted the breath to explain, the time he had invested in research, the plans he had made to bring about this whole situation, even the money for this meal, everything.
Light's one little 'no' had not only spoiled his mood but given him serious doubts about his own self-assurance. He could not make a living doing what he did if he allowed himself to make mistakes, so he had been detached, impersonal through a computer screen, so that people saw him as a machine incapable of error rather than a human being. The great detective L was inhuman and was always correct in his brilliant deductions.
However, L Lawliet was a human. He had emotions, and things like disappointment and irritation affected him, as well as other things he would never admit to feeling. Most of all, he felt unhappy that Light had made him care even a little about him and this situation and then threw it back in his face, remorseless in the way the truly selfish could be. It made his concern for the other's well-being seem like unwelcome affection, forced on him without his consent. L felt... cheap.
L, the detective, stepped in and took over, crushing L Lawliet's human emotions underfoot and steeling himself so he was as cold as ever, though he doubted any of his inner turmoil showed in his features. He was too well-trained for such a slip, unlike Light. He took the bite of cheesecake, which was now ruined as well, its taste having all the appeal of a mouthful of sand.
He could think of no questions worth asking anymore. Light continued to sit there, that serene expression on his face. He was back to feeling nothing, sunken back into the depression that had gotten him into this situation. The same eyes that had shone with embarrassment, indignation, and so many other amusing things in the short time that L had known him were dead. L had to look away as those doll-like eyes continued to mock him.
Even though he had been victorious in this argument, only the bitter taste of failure remained in his mouth when it was over.
Something had changed in Ryuzaki, but Light could not tell exactly what was different. His shadowed eyes continued to meet his every now and then, but neither of them had said anything since Light apologized. Ryuzaki's face was blank and inscrutable as he continued to mechanically eat his dessert. Since Light had already finished his meal, he sipped at his coffee to give himself something to do. He really didn't want to start feeling awkward with the silence, so he put on his unfeeling mask, the same complacent one he had worn with his father earlier this evening.
It did much to hide the wreckage his inner self was right now.
With the revelation he had just had, all he wanted to do was leave this beautiful, pristine hotel and the person who had just destroyed him. He wanted to wander down the crowded streets, letting the garish lights blind his tired eyes and the mindless chatter dull his hearing just to remind himself that there was life around him. He wanted to feel the energy that flowed between so many people, tentatively trail his fingers through it, touch it to remind himself what it felt like. Even though he had nothing to give back, no life inside himself, he could vicariously feel it through others, whatever he thought personally of their faults.
On the heels of that came something he never thought he could feel, something that stopped an often aloof genius like himself in his tracks.
He felt so alone.
And he knew it was his own fault. He was surrounded by people, and he made himself invisible, untouchable by their petty human concerns. It wasn't normal for him to want company, but right now all he wanted was the reassurance that there were people around him. Being so lifeless was frightening without the knowledge that he could end it.
Right here, right now, he was dead inside, yet still so vulnerable even though he felt there was nothing inside him to hide anymore. Ryuzaki had seen down to his soul with frightening ease; did he have anything more valuable than that to conceal?
What could he do now? All he could see as the precipice, the cliff before him. He was at a standstill, not a crossroads. There were no options left to him. The brief false joy he felt since his decision last night had come from knowing that his emptiness would end after he confirmed the details of his pending death.
Now, he didn't have anything.
He stood at the edge of the cliff, clutching his tattered cloak, the embodiment of his pride, the only thing left to him after his conviction had been shattered and he was overwhelmed with uncertainty.
What do I do now?
There was no answer within himself.
He wanted to take Ryuzaki's offer, in a way, if only it didn't involve surrendering control to the other man, for there was no one in command of Light's destiny other than himself.
Dammit.
He wanted to get away. It was suffocating to be around Ryuzaki. The man could probably see everything he was thinking even though he could feel no change in his expression. He had never thought himself an open book, but it was like Ryuzaki was reading his thoughts off a teleprompter. The man was good at what he did.
All the more reason for him to leave. It was ... creepy? Threatening? Intimidating? So many words and none of them fit the turmoil he was in right now. Getting away was his only goal, but he would not lose his composure again or be impolite. He could wait the time it took Ryuzaki to decide they were done.
"Is Light-kun finished?" Ryuzaki's unaffected voice drifted over from the other side of the table, jarringly real in the midst of his musings. He had one index finger bitten between his teeth, but his face was blank in defiance of what would normally be a nervous gesture. Light nodded in reply, setting his napkin to the side of his plate. His stomach was in knots as to what exactly to say to diffuse the tension he could feel even if Ryuzaki wasn't showing anything.
"I believe so. Ryuzaki," he inhaled, making it look like he was pausing to breath rather than figuring out exactly what to say. "I'm sorry you went to all the trouble-"
"What does Light-kun intend to do?" He continued to detach himself from Light by speaking to him in the third person, which didn't sound so much amusing as cold this time. His eyes were half-lidded, his voice suffused with ennui, but Light knew this much had to be a front. Ryuzaki's time was surely worth too much to invest casual time in something that had yielded no results for him, but why would the man be trying so hard to hide any reaction to Light's refusal? His question alone contradicted his studious disinterest.
Light smiled a little, not concerned about hiding it. It didn't mean anything, after all. "I don't know, Ryuzaki."
"Do you still intend to go through with your decision?" Now Ryuzaki was avoiding the word 'suicide', strangely. Light waited before answering.
"I don't know about anything anymore." As much as it might have bothered him in the past to admit that, he had nearly passed out from shock and fear in front of the man who apparently read the inner workings of his mind, so how much worse could things get? He felt the smile melt away.
Ryuzaki set down his fork, placing one hand on the table as though to brace himself to stand, but he paused.
"Please don't be foolish, Light-kun." The words were meant for him, but his eyes were elsewhere. When they returned to Light, his expression was neutral. "Let us go. I'll have Watari take you home." His attitude, however slight, differed between the two statements, reminding him of Ryuzaki's desire not to look interested in Light's affairs.
It wasn't worth contemplating right now. He'd damned himself, anyway.
Light had thrown away the second lifeline in one night, turning away his own father's request to help him as well as a professional's strangely personal interest in keeping him from self-harm.
He knew that continuing this pattern would only isolate him further and make him even more miserable for the rest of his existence, but... something stopped him each time. He could not open his clenched fists to take the help.
Perhaps that, more than his depression, was likely to kill him.
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A/N – Don't hate me for the long wait and the comparatively short chapter! There's a storm rolling in and I'm afraid of losing what I have or not being able to post because I lose power! I figured it was a good stopping point too. Expect more in only a few days this time.
That song undid me. I was also planning to incorporate more scenes, but playing it on repeat was emotionally exhausting and draining. If you listen to it, let me know what you think!
Thank you for your interminable patience and for reading!
